Hmm...where to begin. About two years ago I was in a long term relationship of about 3 years. The relationship had its ups and downs but overall it was good. No major fights or arguements, no physical or emotional abuse just your average couple with everyday problems. One night about 2 1/2 years into our relationship we were having sex and he kept mentioning having anal sex. We had had discussions about it before and he knew I was completely opposed to the idea but for some reason he decided to bring it up. At first I was taking it lightly and just being nice and saying no and then during sex he kept insisting we try it and that it wouldnt hurt. After so many times of me turning him down you could tell he was getting frustrated, so we stopped having sex. After we talked we started kissing and getting sexual again this time he started tickling me and trying to get me to roll over to my stomach. I kept laughing but I was telling him NO! He then proceeded to push me over to my stomach and have anal sex with me even after I told him no and attempted to roll back over. He was a lot heavier than I was so he pretty much could force me to stay in that postion until he was done. Afterwards I was bawling and in pain and told him how mad I was at him and asked him why he didnt stopped. Like the guy that he was he pretended to laugh it off.
Fast forward to a few weekends ago. I had completely forgotten about that night. I remember I was so upset at the time but we ended up breaking up 6 months later and I havent been sexually active since so I havent had much thought about that incident. The other night however, I was fooling around with a guy who I have been seeing for several months now. We have had sex once before and it was great. This time however was different. When we were switching postions during sex he inserted into my anus. I stopped completely dead in my tracks and started bawling. I had no control over my emotions but the first thing that popped into my head when I felt the pressure was the night that it had originally happened. I felt awful because I had no idea why I felt that way after two years. I dont' blame the guy I am seeing now at all because he had no idea how I had felt about the subject and he was kind enough to not get upset and just lay there and hold me apologizing after what had happened. When I explained to him the first night with my ex he had told me that I needed to realize I was raped and I need to figure out a way to talk to someone to get over what I am feeling.
So thats why I am here...I guess I just need clarification to know that what I experienced that first night was indeed rape. If so I am looking for ways to get past that memory and the emotions that come along with that experience. I felt horrible that I had a break down and I didnt know how to even control or acknowledge what I was feeling. I wonder if this is common in the situation I had for a memory to just spring up on you like that and create such a highly emotional experience. If anyone could just shed some light on the situation, it would be greatly appreciated! Sorry it is so long
