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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:14 PM   #1
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I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

I was a desperate lonely person for years not that I am not now the only difference is that I avoid sex like the plague. For the past 20 + years I have fought with myself to determine if three specific occasions would be what others consider to be rape or not.

The first was with a guy I had been secretly seeing on and off for over a year. I had lost my virginity to him nearly a year before but had refused to have sex with him again because afterward he made me feel so horrible about myself that I couldn't do it. One evening however, I was over at his house for a visit before I had to go to a school event I was 17 years old. When I arrived he happened to be in the process of cleaning his handgun as he had just returned from weekend training. We would sit there talking and every now and then he would pretend that he was sighting in the gun to make sure he hadnt messed up the sight and would point it at me. As much as I liked him it scared me to have him point the gun at me. After awhile during our conversation he began to tell me that we were going to have sex. I really didn't want to and I tried to tell him that but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He became very insistent and as I sat there all I could think of was this gun he had within reach, what if I didn't give him what he wanted? Finally, I gave in out of fear, I hated myself and still do but I didn't know what to do. A part of me thinks that is was rape but most of me blames myself for putting me in that position, for not being more careful and stronger.

The second incident occured not quite a year later, it was New Year's eve my senior year of high school. I was in an extremely depressive state and not looking forward to spending this evening with a bunch of couples as I was single. So instead I decided to drink to bury the pain and embarrasement of being single and unwanted. Me and a few friends were all getting very drunk. I went outside to get some air and was followed by a guy that I knew from school. he was definately not someone I was interested in. He convinced me to go for a walk and next thing I knew we were in his parents RV. he was kissing me and telling me how good I felt and that I was going to enjoy it. I told him NO several times I was not having sex with this guy I didn't like. Eventually he got the picture that intercourse was out so he grabbed me by the head and forced me to perform oral sex on him. It was awful and something I had never done before. Again I blamed myself, after all it was my actions that had landed me in this position, I am the one that got drunk, I am the one that went for the walk with him, I should have known better.

The last incident I was in college a few years later. I was not known as someone that was the most sober person, I would hide behind a bottle of what ever alcohol was availble so as not to thing about what a horrible human being I was and how I deserved everything that happened to me. In this incident I had transfered schools to try and get away from my reputation as a drunk and I was trying to start new. Then two of my guy friends from the first school called and need a place to stay when they were in town for fraternity business. I told them they could share the couch in my living room as I had two other roommates and no spare space. We all went out drinking and one of the guys hooked up with someone else. D. and I well we got drunk and I really thought he was just my friend. I was good friends with his girlfriend. but drunk is stupid and we started to make out. I told him several times that I was not going to sleep with him, I thought that he understood. We finally went back to my place to go to sleep. He on the couch me in my room. I don't know how much later I woke up and he was kissing me, it felt good but I kept telling him no we were not having sex, but I was so drunk I couldn't have pushed a blanket off of me. I remember telling him no so many times, I also remember the minute I knew he had penetrated me. I was paralyzed with fear, drunk, really incapable of defending myself and then it was the moment that changed my life forever. in an instant I knew I was pregnant. I know that it is impossible to believe but I did, I knew and 8 weeks later I scheduled my appt at a clinic to terminate the pregnancy that came from my rape by my girlfriend's boyfriend. I blame myself for this event as well, after all, If I had been stronger, smarter, less naive about why he wanted to spend the night at my house rather than the fraternity chapter house he was visiting. If I could hold my liquer better at least two of these situation would have never happened.

In the legal defensible definition of rape yes I have been raped three times all by men that I know, twice while under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. The person I blame is me.

 
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Old 01-10-2012, 08:01 PM   #2
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

Tearsandfears, you have no reason to blame yourself. You should NOT have had reason to expect that taking a walk with someone you knew would end that way.

Please, please get counseling. I can feel the distress in your words here.

Sure, you can say, "If only I hadn't" but if someone doesn't take no for an answer, that's his fault, his crime, not yours.

 
Old 01-11-2012, 12:08 PM   #3
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

How can I not blame myself? I put myself in the position to be taken advantage of. I am the one that drank, the one that didn't leave. I am the one that didn't learn to be smarter after the first time. I am the one that had to live with the consequences. Its been over 20 years why can't I just get over it? Why can't I move on?

 
Old 01-11-2012, 09:28 PM   #4
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

You may have made a mistake by trusting his good intentions, but he committed a crime. There's a major difference.

Please seek help. I can tell this is really bothering you.

 
Old 01-12-2012, 02:05 AM   #5
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

i can relate..i'd been in the same situation as you 3 years ago..i did not go for any counselling or consultation.. u could talk to your closest friend that wont judge u for what u been thru,it really help..im really sorry to help that

 
Old 01-12-2012, 08:29 PM   #6
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

I really have no one I consider to be a close enough friend that I would tell them something like this. I haven't been able to trust people since I was very young so I am friends with them but they really know very little about me. I hide behind the mask of acceptability.

 
Old 01-13-2012, 10:40 AM   #7
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

Just an update, I have made an appointment with a therapist, I guess part of the reason I started coming to this board and another is that I have in recent months begun some very self-destructive habits as I have felt that my life was out of control. I am going to try and find healthier ways of coping with my past and see if I can finally move forward.

 
Old 01-13-2012, 08:02 PM   #8
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Re: I blame myself but, would you call this rape?

I pray that you are able to find some peace and improve your mental health, and I'm glad you are seeking help.

 
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