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Old 03-21-2012, 06:23 PM   #1
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Never can live with myself

I am a 19 year old male who half the time wishes I was not on this planet anymore, just gone. Horrible things have happened to me.. And influenced my actions.

I now feel as if I am the scum of the earth, and that I don't deserve to live.

Here is my story,
When I was probably around 10 or 11 my brother who is 5 years older started acting really weird towards me.. And always wanting to hang out, when we didn't usually get along. We grew closer, and eventually he convinced me to come stay in his room and play video games and just hang out all night.

This was the first time anything happened, and he had me touch his penis and had me just play with it. He wasnt forceful, or demanding, he just kind of suggested it, and I didn't know better and was starting to like our new found relationship, so I did it.

That went on for a while, an then one night he suggested that I give him oral sex. I knew when he wanted me to do something cuz he would all the sudden be very nice to me in the day, and suggest I sleep in his room that night. I felt strange about it, but didn't even close to realize what exactly was going on. This went on for about a year, and has never happened again or been talked about again since.

After that happened my life was fairly normal for about two years. My family was extremely close with this other family, and we are still best friends with them today. I was probably 12-13 at this point, and I started staying over at their house, and their kids stayed at mine.

One boy from that family, was three years older than me . And started to do things to me during the sleep overs..

He would wait until everyone was asleep and then roll over to me in his blanket, he would start sexual acts. . I was so scared and didn't know what to do.

That just went on and on, and I just started avoiding these sleep overs, but sometimes I couldn't .

And now on to the worst part of the story, how awful I am, and how these experiences affected my life.

Being 13-14 and so confused , and that two older guys I loved and trusted did that to me, I followed the example set.

On a few occassions I was left alone with my girl cousin who is 4 years younger than me.. I started to touch her and play games with her slowly, until one time I touched her private parts . I'm honestly not sure if she touched me, as this is all I recall, but I am 100% sure there was no penetration. I am so bad, deserve to be dead.

Around the same time, this only happened a couple times, I was at the same good friends home sleeping over, and I did what the older brother did to me to the little brother.. Once everyone was asleep I reached down his pants and played with his privates..

Neither of these things lasted long for me as I quickly caught on that they were definetly wrong, and that I infact had been wronged by my brother and close friend.

I have never talked about any of this, I have forgiven my brother and my friends, for they know they did wrong, and we have never talked about it again, but we have good, normal relationships now.

But my little cousin, who is now 15 and I am 19. We have never talked about what happened, and we seldom speak to each other. I have a great relationship with her parents and brothers and I feel so bad.

Sometimes I feel okay, but when I'm alone with my thoughts I feel I deserve to be dead. I want to know what people think of me, as I'm pretty sure I have damned myself to hell I want to see if anyone agrees or has any advice. Don't be light on me, if you feel I'm the worst scum to ever walk the planet, tell the truth. I deserve that.

 
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:10 PM   #2
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Re: Never can live with myself

[
Hello Low,

I am not the moral majority or minority here and this board remains non-judgemental.

Plain and simple,you began exhibiting behaviors that were forced upon you.
I can see how this can psychologically scar another individual and cause them to later act upon others.

You were traumatized and did so to others;I get that;my question to you is do you still have these tendencies and/or thoughts inside of you?

If so,I suggest you receive some counseling to help you process all that has transpired.
You can't make up for the past but can surely try to enhance both your life and that of others going forward.
I do appreciate your candor and will tell you that the answer doesn't hang in you wanting to take your life but in realizing that deep down there are redeeming qualities in each of us;your journey begins or can begin now,if you so choose.

Carefully and cautiously stated with respect
Phoenix
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Old 04-01-2012, 04:55 PM   #3
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Re: Never can live with myself

I know how you feel....I started sexual acts with my younger brother when I was a little girl, and at times he did sexual acts on me that were unwanted, but I did the same back to him. I told him when I was a teenager that I deserved to die for doing that to him but he told me to shut up and he doesn't hold anything against me. Him and I got raped in the same room by the same people and I was held immobile and forced to watch. I was glad when they caught me alone the second time. Our parents caught me and my brother one time, and boy were we punished.

My brother and I are very, very close. We don't do any sexual things to eachother anymore, we ask eachother for sexual advice sometimes since we are of opposite gender, but that is what normal best-friends do. We have a very healthy relationship. I stopped feeling like a monster when I revealed what I did to a group of women and none of them thought I was a horrible person. I came to terms with it, and you should too. Just talk to the ones you abused and tell them how you feel and that you're sorry about everything that happened. It'll make you and them feel much better.
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