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Old 04-04-2012, 12:21 PM   #1
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nahla HB User
Unhappy Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

These are the reasons why I question whether something happened to me (1) certain smells make me feel funny. The smells give me a stomach ache, and I feel dirty when I smell them. (2) I gave myself my first orgasm in Kindergarten and continued to give them to myself throughout my childhood. (3)I fooled around with one of my friends at a young age (I canít remember when but before the age of 10). (4) The way I acted as a teen was out of control and I never knew why -- I continued to spiral out of control with drugs. I felt emotionally crazy, with no reason why. (5) One night when my mom drank a little too much wine she asked me if my father had ever molested me when I was younger. This shocked me because I had always wondered the same thing. (6) As a child I went missing and the police were called. They found huddled in the corner of the closet naked.

The thing is I have no memories of my childhood, and have always thought this was really weird. I can remember trips to Disney world, and Hawaii as a child, but the memories are very random (which I am certain is fairly normal). My brother and sister remember everything, and will remind me of certain things that I canít recall. The only consistent memories I have start in high school. I tormented myself in high school, telling myself I wasnít good enough. I had extremely low self esteem. I began seeing many boys who I slept with in attempts to gain approval.

Currently I crave sexual approval from my husband. I never feel good enough, although he convinces me otherwise.

I know none of those reasons automatically mean I was abused, but I guess I wonder why all the problems if my childhood was so good. Why am I the only messed up one out of my siblings? Is it normal for someone to go through these things without being molested? Why can I not remember if I was? If it did happen wouldn't I remember enough to know that it really happened? I am sure if it did, then I am lucky I donít remember. But I canít heal or change if I donít know why I am the way I am. I have been to different counselors with no improvement. Now I just want to know the truth!! Or at least I think I doÖ.

 
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Old 04-30-2012, 09:16 PM   #2
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

I have no answers for you, but believe me when I say you're not alone. I too have been questioning myself about whether or not I was molested as a young child. My reasons are: 1. I can't make eye contact during sex, unless I don't enjoy it, then I can sort of like an act of defiance, 2.my best friend at the age of 6 and her 4 yo brother were molested by their father I spent a lot of nights at her place and can't ever remember her having a father figure in the house (I can remember things from before this time and after this time but not her father), 3. I remember watching said friend play "doctors and nurses" with her brother and then performing oral sex on him, I took part in this (except I didn't engage in oral sex) several times. 4. Any suggestion of role playing makes me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach and 5. As a child I used to scan the news papers for articles on children who had been abused. I've always felt that having sex with people was the fastest and best way to gain acceptance and love.
I too am scared to find out what happened. is it better to have no memory of being molested but having these personal hang ups, or should we seek to find the answers and begin a proper healing. I've been researching repressed memories and it seems that if you engage in hypnosis to gain the answers youcould provide false memories because you believe down in your heart it was possible it happened. I know I haven't helped much, but I hope you find out what happened and start to heal.

 
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nahla (05-02-2012)
Old 05-02-2012, 11:51 PM   #3
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

Honestly I think just knowing I'm not alone helps the most. I have avoided this board since I posted and i even tried to delete this post once (ha). I guess I'm scared of both knowing and not knowing.... i know people say "what you don't know cant hurt you"; I'm not too sure if that's true. Would my hang ups go away had I start remembering? Would my counseling sessions be more effective, being able answer more questions? Possibly my life would be harder to handle had I started remembering.....
I cant tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and your story. I think for now ill let it go. I'm happy and life is good. I do hope you find peace and healing in your life as well. Take care and thanks again

 
Old 05-04-2012, 12:15 AM   #4
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

It's not totally uncommon to block traumatic events when you are a child, and they can stay blocked for a long time. My father started molesting me when I was 9, 6 months after he got out of prison for molesting my older half sister. Like yourself I don't really remember much of my childhood. I have some scattered memories of age 5 and 7 and then it skips to high school. My mind unblocked itself in 2006, it was like a terrible movie playing in my head, all these smidgens of things that I thought I'd seen before were now all there. My psychiatrist doesn't know what triggered the memory to come back, he thinks that I was just at a place in my life where I was finally able to deal with the trauma. But once it's out there you do have to deal with it...you can't just say, okay now I know, so I can forget it.

Personally for me, knowing and dealing with it was better than having random thoughts and clips of memories and blanks where my childhood years should have been. I still don't really remember much of my childhood, but I've just come to accept that.

Take care,

 
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nahla (05-06-2012)
Old 05-04-2012, 03:27 PM   #5
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

This actually happened to me as well. When I was younger there was this new military man at our church. He was in his late 20's maybe, and I was younger than 12. I completely had no rememberence of him, or what he did to me until a few years ago. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend, and something came on tv. I cannot remember what came on, but all of a sudden everything came rushing back. His name, he played trumpet, some of the things he said to me, how and when he touched me, everything, it was like a dam burst or something, it was absolutely crazy! I remember thinking it was all my fault because all of my little friends and I thought he was so cute, we all had a crush on him!! But I need to tell myself that I was probably only 10 years old, and he was a grown man. I have never talked to anyone about this except maybe my boyfriend, I dont think I ever even told my mom, because she was the one who took him under her wing at church, and allowed me to be alone with him. I also used to give myself orgasms at a very young age, 6 or 7 maybe? And definitely remember playing "doctor" and other dirty games at a very young age. And I too, dont remember a lot of my childhood, just some vague memories here and there.

Hang in there honey, you are definitely not alone.

 
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:56 AM   #6
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story, it cant be easy. I have a question...did you both have absolutely no memories of anything bad until they suddenly appeared? I wasn't sure if it was really possible for me to completely have no recollection. Also before you remembered did you ever suspect something happened at all?
Again thanks so much. You'll never know the the extent in which you've helped me.

 
Old 05-06-2012, 04:52 PM   #7
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

Nahla,

I didn't have memories of actual events, just things that were weird without reason. I was very uncomfortable around older men. I was terrified of taking showers. And nothing had happened that I could remember that gave a reason for feeling that way. From the age of 9 through the time I left home for college, I would memorize my mother's work schedule, she was a waitress. It was a family joke. It used to drive me nuts, I couldn't not do it, but couldn't figure out why I did it.

Turns out I memorized my moms work schedule so I'd know when it was safe to take a shower or when I had to go to a friends house until she got home. Alot of stress for a 9 yr old.

By the time of my college years I'd become aware that my father did these type of things to my step sisters and he'd gone to prison for it. My mother was pretty screwed up to, she sent him to prison, but then dragged the kids to the prison every weekend to visit him, so I'm told. The after 3 years she moved him right back home with 2 of us girls still living there. What kind of sick, selfish, screwed up idiot does that??? Everybody assumed I was safe, I was his only biological child and they figured he wouldn't cross that line. They were wrong. I blame my mother just as much as my father.

I'm glad that I don't remember my childhood and all the crap that happened. Dealing with these memories for the last 5 or 6 years has been bad enough. I've dealt with it through therapy, I've confronted my father and let him know that I remember what he did. I've also noticed the things in my life that it effected. I try very hard to not let if effect anything else, I don't want to let him have any more power over me or my life than he already has.

Kat

 
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nahla (05-06-2012)
Old 05-06-2012, 09:51 PM   #8
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

Kat -

Thanks again sharing this information with me. You sound like a very intelligent and strong women and deserved much better as a child.
I have found a strange peace of mind after posting and reading the responses. I didnít expect to get anything out of this site, but for some reason I have found more than I was looking for.

Bless you for helping me

-Nahla

 
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:27 PM   #9
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

Nahla,

I'm glad to help if I can. And I'm glad you've gotten some peace of mind. I know the frustrating and fearful feelings can just about drive you mad.

I'm always around if you need to talk.

Hang in there,

Kat

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-07-2012 at 02:56 PM. Reason: Please follow the Posting Policy. Thanks.

 
Old 05-07-2012, 10:54 AM   #10
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

For me. I had no memories of it, until that one night laying in bed with my boyfriend watching tv. For the life of me, I cant remember what it was we were watching, but it was crazy, all of of sudden like a light switch being flipped on, or a dam breaking, all of the memories, pictures, his face, everything came rushing back. I just broke down and started bawling, and told my boyfriend everything. It was crazy, I hadnt thought about it, or had any recollection of it until that point. It was like I was protecting myself or something, and hid it deep away.

 
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Old 05-12-2012, 01:28 PM   #11
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Re: Possibly molested as a child and cant rememeber...

Wow, the human body/brain is an amazing thing. I just cant wrap my head around the fact that something like this could happen, and we would'nt remember the fact that we don't want to remember it (if that makes sense).
Thanks for sharing your story

 
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