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-   -   Resurfacing Memories - Molested by Father. (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/rape-sexual-abuse/902934-resurfacing-memories-molested-father.html)

companioncube 05-30-2012 11:11 AM

Resurfacing Memories - Molested by Father.
 
Hello everyone-

I need some help.

I was molested by my father at the age of 9. My parents got a divorce when I was around 7, and he got visitation rights with my brother and me. We had to stay with him at his house on weekends. I always looked forward to going to his house. I looked up to him and I always wanted to make him proud and happy. What daughter doesn't?

After a while though, things started getting weird. He had a separate room that had his computer in it, so it was easy for him to distract my brother with computer games and big headphones in that room while he and I were in the other room. I remember some of what happened, but not a lot. I remember once, he said my skin was dry and said he would put lotion on me, but he made me lie down on the floor and take my shirt off. The whole situation was odd. Another instance, he made me sit on the kitchen counter and kiss him, several times. He always wanted me to sit in his lap. This was when he would put his hand down my pants and say incredibly inappropriate things to me that I didn't understand at the time, but I understand now. This took place over several weekends. That's about as much detail as I can handle typing out.

There is a lot more that I don't remember. I have small flashes of different things, but when any memory comes up I have to try as hard as I can to push it out of my head. After a few of these horrible encounters, I knew that I had to tell someone, so I told my mom one weekend after we got home from his house. She remained calm about it and contacted whoever she needed to. The case went to court and he was found guilty was put on probation.

I was put through 5 years of counseling, from age 10 to 15. The only reason we stopped going was because my mom decided 5 years was an excessive amount of time to see a counselor, and they determined I was "okay" enough to stop going. I was alright after that...for a while.

My dad is still in my life, as much as I wish he wasn't. He talks to my mom on the phone every day. I guess they're still friends. Not sure, and I don't really want to know. He has attended my high school and college graduation, taken us out to dinner for special occasions, given me birthday money, etc. But in all honesty, I wish he would just disappear so I wouldn't have to see him anymore. My mom even made me go over to his house with her once last year. I didn't know we were going, she just drove over there one day while I was with her in the car. I couldn't get out of it, and it really freaked me out having to sit on the same couch and see the same room that all those things happened in when I was younger.

The reason I am posting on here is because I'm having problems keeping the memories from popping up randomly. It's really become a problem recently. Sometimes I break down and cry if I'm alone in my room. It's the worst when I'm trying to go to sleep. I'm in a serious relationship right now with a Marine, and I want him to know why sometimes I am uncomfortable and why I have such a negative attitude toward my father. I have never been able to tell any of my previous boyfriends what happened.

What's holding me back, aside from being uncomfortable pulling the words out of my head and having to hear myself explain to him what happened, is the fact that I don't want him to have the burden of knowing. I don't want his mind to be corrupted with thoughts of my bad experiences, and I don't want him to think of me any differently. I also don't want this to mess up our sex life. I'm pretty comfortable around him sexually, but I'm worried that, in telling him about it, I might cause those horrible thoughts to run through his head while we're in bed together.

So...now that I got all of that out, does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might help me? I would appreciate anything, really. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this, which is why I have turned to a forum.

Chrissy26 06-18-2012 06:22 AM

Re: Resurfacing Memories - Molested by Father.
 
I'm so sorry.

I cannot even begin to imagine what you've gone through. Everything that has happened to me, has happened by outsiders. If it were a family member, especially my own father, I don't know how I would have ever gotten through it. You are incredibly strong and I am so happy you told your mom. I'm sure that was very hard to do. I can't begin to understand why your mom is still friends with your dad. How can she associate herself with a man who molested you? I don't know what's going on inside her head but I'll be honest with you...you need to part yourself away from your family. I know she's your mom but if it was MY daughter who told me something like this, the cops would have to hold me back from doing something so crazy. I do believe you should tell your boyfriend because you stated you guys are serious. If you guys happen to get married in the future, you want your husband to know because if any flashbacks occur you're going to have to explain to him where they're coming from. He's going to want you to be open and honest with him no matter how hard it's going to be.

I've gone through a lot myself and when I had flashbacks during sex I told my husband when we were just engaged years ago. He helped me through it all. He understood. But honestly he did have some issues himself. He would imagine one guy doing something to me when we were in bed together. Yes it could affect the relationship sexually but if it does you guys can always go to counseling. If this is someone you're serious about then you owe it to yourself to be honest with him about it.

I suggest distancing yourself from your family. I think being around your mom isn't going to make things better because it's only going to remind you of what happened. And yes, 5 years is a long time to be in counseling but you know what? if you need it, then you go back to it. You don't need anyone telling you "you've been at this for so long. Get over it." It's not that easy and I know that firsthand. You go back and maybe you should go with your boyfriend so he can hear from someone else too how serious it is and what an impact it can leave. That way there are no surprises in the relationship later.

This is your life and you have to take control of the situation. You're remembering bits and pieces little by little and the only way to address it is by seeing someone about it. I'm telling you, I think you'll feel a whole lot better. They will help you face the bad memories, talk through the negative feelings, learn how to deal and accept and then push them so far away that when you have these bad memories again they won't bother you so much. Little by little as you learn to accept what's happened and face it, you will be able to talk about what happened without feeling the way you do now.

I remember in one incident, I kept thinking about what happened to me and I heard voices in my head saying it was all my fault or that nothing happened and I was making it up. It was my own demons. It took me 6 months to knock those voices out of my head but they did cause me to try and take my own life many times. I couldn't face it and I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was all alone. I know how it feels to be all alone. I do believe if I had a counselor to talk to, I would've dealt with it a lot better.

Good luck to you and I hope you take my advice into consideration. You are strong and brave. Don't let what your "dad" did to you ruin your relationship and your whole life.

Aprilhaylee 11-21-2012 08:56 PM

Re: Resurfacing Memories - Molested by Father.
 
Hello darling. What a horrible story. One I can relate to, in similar but also different ways... The pain of it being from your father, I cannot even imagine how the feels. The person who is suppose to PROTECT you more then anyone, has BETRAYED you. I went through this experience when I was 8 for two years. I am now 19 and the last year or so, flashs have been coming back into my memory. This is because it is post traumatic stress disorder. And these flashes will come back into your life whenever something else may be getting you down. Some days you will deal with it better then others, it will be a constant roller coaster and burden on your life (at times). If you have lost your job or can't pay the bills or there's another emotional issue going on in your life, this issue will rear its ugly head too. Because your brain goes back to other times when you have felt distress and remembers those feelings too. You need to take control of your emotions in your OWN head. One technique my psychologist taught me, was to actually block out these emotions (obviously not in life in general, but just when they occur at times that are most inconvenient, like when your sitting on the bus in public or something) Say to yourself in your head 'NO, I AM NOT GOING THERE TODAY'. Obviously this is no long term solution, but this helps me sometimes on a daily level. But then there are the days where nothing will help to block the pain. I think you should tell your partner... This will make you closer (depending on how he reacts, as I have had some pretty insensitive and unemotional responses from past lovers, and then I had one who was absolutely shattered) BUT it made him understand ME more... This will not destroy your sex life by telling him... The sex is about YOU TWO, and how much you love HIM. Don't give your father the POWER to ruin something so beautiful between you and your man. Your mother does not sound like she is very supportive, or maybe deep down, she is in denial because the pain hurts too much.


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