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Old 11-16-2012, 11:03 PM   #1
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How do I know

I have never told the whole story to anyone. I talked to my mom and a therapist for one session but never the whole story. When I was 17 I got my second boyfriend, he was 30 and he was a family friend. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend after being dumped by my first boyfriend. Everything was great the first couple of months but soon he started pushing me. When I told him to stop he would get mad and call me a tease.

Eventually we got to the point where we had sex. I had planned on it but decided that I didn't want to go through with it after all. He got really upset and put a gun to his head. (I haven't told anyone that.) Even though I didn't want to I said yes. Even now I can't say the word 'rape' not even in my head. Everyone told me it was rape and I realize that it was wrong what he did but I said yes. I know now I should have just called his bluff. I also know from reading posts on here that I got off easy compared to others stories.

I'm 21 now, after I broke up with my second boyfriend not too long after the incident I went out with a few guys but never got passed kissing. I can't stand too close to a guy or be alone with a guy I don't know without freaking out a little but it's never been anything I couldn't handle. I've had a few flashbacks but they never last long.

It's even gotten to the point where I really hate guys even though I'm still attracted to them but the idea of sex disgusts me. I have finally found someone that I really like, even love. It's not conventional because we met online. He lives in a different state right now and we have been talking everyday for 9 months, his family lives not too far from me and he's trying to move back. I haven't told him what happened because I thought that it should be a conversation to have in person. How do I know if I'm ready to take the next step with him when he gets here. I know I won't immediately jump into bed with him but he's the first man I can actually picture having sex with. (I've always been skeptical of online dating but I've checked this guy out and I know he's the real deal and isn't some kind of creep)

I'm sorry to unload all of this but I really need some advice I don't know what to do.

 
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Phoenix (11-18-2012)
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Old 11-17-2012, 12:40 PM   #2
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Re: How do I know

You really need to talk to your Therapist about this.. that's what they're there for!! It's confidential, and I really think you could benefit from getting this off of your chest. It may seem hard. But after those words come out of your mouth you will feel a sense of relief. And she or he, will know what to do and talk to you about how to get through it.

 
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Phoenix (11-18-2012)
Old 11-18-2012, 04:56 AM   #3
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Re: How do I know

Hello DixieRae and welcome.

Your previous boyfriend's tactics to coerce you into having sex with him wreaks of desperation. To be put in a situation like that is unfair on so many levels.

There are a few things to consider,before even contemplating sexual advances.

You can always test the waters by asking certain questions,to see his take on things.
This is one of those catch 22 type of moments.

In most cases,it's better to let him know now,than for him to travel miles and explain it all to him at once, in person.
You must consider how explaining it to him will make you feel. Does the thought of telling him give you knots in your stomach?
It would be better to explain things to him so he doesn't have any pre-conceived notions on how the visit might turn out.
The unfortunate thing with this is that neither of you will know how one feels afterwards,until the conversation is brought up.
As you know,online,as compared to in-person are two completely different mediums entirely.

You have to ask yourself the question,look at all the possibilities and make a decision.
Are you truly prepared for a relationship such as this(which currently is long-distance)?

There is no simple answer for this particular situation.I truly wish there was.
The only thing I can say at this point in time is that you need to protect yourself,which includes feeling safe and secure.
Please also consider ekr37's words of wisdom.Two points of view are always better than one.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 11-18-2012 at 06:40 PM.

 
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DixieRae (11-18-2012)
Old 11-18-2012, 10:55 AM   #4
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Re: How do I know

I can not thank you enough for your response. You have given me a lot to think about and reflect on. So thank you for your time and your words.

 
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Phoenix (11-18-2012)
Old 11-19-2012, 04:17 AM   #5
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Re: How do I know

DixieRae

You're welcome.
If you're up to it,please feel free to unburden yourself of some of the load(metaphorically) you are experiencing here.

We're here for you;to provide advice, support and opinions in a non-judgemental manner.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 11-19-2012 at 04:18 AM. Reason: spelling

 
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