mindscape

Well I would like to help.
But to begin with what i hear from your post is that one of your problems is post traumatic stress disorder. When you want to go farther then a kiss then you panic. PTSD typically creates panic attacks when you are in a situation that starts to remind you of what happened. But eventually you need to find some one you trust to talk about the FEELINGS. I know that is hard. But the point is until you take at least a baby step in that direction you will not be able to start to "surgically" remove the experiences from the feelings. At some point you need to separate the violent intrusive act and see it for what it is. Rape is not sex. It is violence. It is just violence against your sexuality and your self. You may even be dealing with some guilt , not that there is anything to feel guilty about but it happens. I am sure the feelings of shame are strong too.Sex is supposed to be a LOVING act. So I would say that it will take time. And you need to find a very sensitive partner who has a lot of self control. The secret is you have to decide some time soon to make some effort no matter how small it maybe. Also the longer you put it off the harder it will become. If this helps I would like to help in any way I can. Good luck.