DonDonDon

When i was 4 my parents took us on a vacation in a small province. There my grand mother always ask us (Me and my brother) to sleep at noon.
Then i have this vague memory of when we are sleeping at noon at uncle who is still a teenager that time 13-15 i think was on top of me while i was laying. I think it happened a lot of times. Then one time i was crying but he asked me to shut up and sleep.

Then i remember there was a time when i cried cause so loud cause it hurts when i pee. I remember as a child there were times when i cry at night cause my vagina hurts.

For so many years i tried to forget that and i did forget it although it always crossed my mind every now and then but i try not to think about it.

I always made my self believe that i am still a virgin. I tried not to do anything that would require me putting anything inside me. Just thinking about it made me feel dizzy and weak. I couldn't even go to a gynecologist because i am scared it will hurt me and i know it will hurt.

I had a boyfriend before but i had to break up with him cause he wanted to make love with me but i am so scared about it i couldn't even let a finger in. Just thinking about it makes me feel so weak. I am 23 now.

So how do i know if i was raped?