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Old 04-25-2013, 10:17 PM   #1
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34 and a mess :(

I dont even know where to begin... When I was younger, about 8ish I was molested. I was made to do horrible things, I was never "raped" but was made to do other things. I had terrible anxiety as a child because of this, and never told my mom as my mom had her own mental issues and would tell me how she thought about just taking off and leaving the family, and one of the things I was threatened with as a child was not to tell or my mom would leave, and that scared the crap out of me as I felt she was the only person in my life I trusted.

I was made to do sexual stuff to other friends/kids etc while we were watched through the bathroom door, it made me sick and embarrassed. but I did it cause I didnt want anyone to make my mom leave the family. This happened until I was 12ish and I finally had enough and said I was going to tell my mom, and although I didnt tell, the abuse stopped and I was happy enough that it just ended. The person who did this to me died many many years ago, when I was 15 and I THOUGHT I finally had some closure and could move on with my life. I always had it in the back of my mind, but all in all I led a decent life, got married and kind of swept it under the rug, not wanting to dwell on it or let it ruin my future.

Now for some reason this has been all I have been thinking about, dwelling on it I am unable to sleep at night, I lay in bed re living it over n over n over. I have suffered from Depression and sever anxiety for years but its getting alot worse due to these memories I can not shake. My Dr. has me on Prozac(She knows about anxiety,not abuse),Prozac doesnt help and I am scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist, but the waiting list is 6 months I was told as it is a referral. I haven't told anyone, except my ex hubby which I blurted it out once that I was molested, he didnt say a thing and it was never talked about again, I also told a Dr that gave me a pap(she asked why i waited till 33 to have a pap and I was in tears and told her how i was afraid cus of the abuse). I cant tell my mom, because even at 34 Im scared she wont believe me, in fact I know she wont, she has a messed up way of thinking(Again she suffers from her own mental issues)

I would like to have children, and I do have a BF who I have been with for 8 years, but I dont trust men, any men and Im scared if I have a girl he will molest her, as I would think the same of any man I was with(my BF is great and Im sure he wouldnt do it, its just a fear). In my head I know not all men are animals, but I cant help but be scared. I dont know how I will talk to a psychiatrist about this as I am so embarrassed by the things I was made to do, I feel guilty about "letting" it happen, not telling anyone, and being made to do things with other kids.

I need advice on how to shake this, Im tired of it being all I think about, it causes me severe stress and anxiety and Im tired of it. Will opening up to a shrink help? any meds that might help? Im at my wits end, I dont know where to turn, so Im hoping others who have gone through the same thing can offer advice.

 
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Old 04-26-2013, 01:01 AM   #2
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Re: 34 and a mess :(

Hello cndnchick and welcome.

Abuse of any type isn't easy to share,so please know that I applaud your efforts.

Your lack of trust in the male species is understandable but with time and therapeutic intervention,you may once again be willing to trust our gender.

If you can't see a therapist for at least 6 months,then medication may be of help.Your primary care physician may be able to point you in the right direction.

Another thing to consider is support groups;those who share similar experiences.There definitely is strength in numbers and it sometimes helps to reinforce the notion that you are not alone.

You will be in my prayers and please know that help is possible if you are open to it.

Sincerely stated
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Old 05-01-2013, 01:10 PM   #3
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Re: 34 and a mess :(

i am 33 i was raped at 6 an it went on for a few yrs i to havent told my parents an to think about it everyday i share your pain. Maybe we can help each other.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-20-2013 at 03:27 PM.

 
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Old 08-25-2013, 12:19 PM   #4
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Re: 34 and a mess :(

I am so sorry that this experience happened to you. It is devastating to the sou. I was molested and raped over a period of many years and I too kept quite with the fear that my mother would not believe me and my family would split up.

When my father passed away, I was 32 years old and well with that I crashed. Everything about my passed came flooding out to the point that I had no control over my emotional state, anorexia was severe and I nearly died. I was living in turmoil and fear that the same would happen to my daughter.

Today, after almost dying from what was literally, 'my fear' I have been sort of balanced over the last year.

I have been consistently in weekly therapy for three years now and it has helped significantly. I had blocked the molestation and rape from my mind and thought I could just move on and let the rest be the past. The reality, my past bit me in the butt and I had to face it and deal with it.

I would like to suggest that you do find a therapist to deal with it. Going through therapy has helped me significantly and I will say that there are times I do still hit a downward spiral emotionally but I know I have my therapist that I can let all out to and if I feel like the little child, she is there to talk through with me. When these things happen as a child we forget to forgive ourselves because we were just children then and do not have the complexity of mind to understand at that time what wrong it was that was being done to us.

I think it will be good for you to seek help and advice in this before you consider children. I wish I had because I think I would not have tried to kill myself out of fear of what would, could and might happen later down the line and fears for my daughter. I was paralysed with fear when I found out I was having a girl and I guarded her 24/7, my anxiety levels were through the roof with fear and dread, I trusted no one and today I realise that my fears nearly killed me.

I am grateful for the help and advice I have received and still do get to help me cope with my fears, insecurities that my past has inflicted upon me.

Please, I do ask that you consider seeking a therapist.

Thank you for listening to my story too.

Take good care and go gently on yourself
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Old 10-21-2013, 04:40 PM   #5
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Re: 34 and a mess :(

Just wanted to stop in and say hi. I'm a few years older than you, but sort of dealing with the same thing. For some reason, it is only now becoming apparent to me why I have insisted on adopting children (don't want to share my body with anyone or anything) and only adopting boys (don't want to raise a girl in this world knowing what her future will likely entail). It has also just recently dawned on me why I am always afraid of all of my male bosses (triggers) at work and avoid being alone with them and end up greatly underperforming in my job, but when I work for a woman I get glowing reviews and do really well. I haven't seen an action movie in 10 years (can't handle the startling noise) and I won't even let anyone watch them in my house. How did I become that avoidant? The list goes on for pages. Now that I am realizing all of this I am falling apart. I don't like the person I've become and I don't understand why now in my late 30s this is all falling on me after over 20 years. I guess I'm not the only one.

 
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Old 03-31-2014, 07:43 PM   #6
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Re: 34 and a mess :(

I want to begin by saying that my heart breaks for you and i am so terribly sorry that you forced to experience something so terrible. I am 24 years old and am beginning treatment for PTSD anxiety/severe depression related to past rape/sexual assaults and I, too, suffer from many of the same issues you do, especially the anxiety and trust. I definitely believe that you are on the right track as far as seeing a psychiatrist, it is a shame that the waiting list is so long, though. But recognizing the problem and seeking relief really is the first step of the recovery process, and you should be proud of that. Although, you must understand that this is a process, and a very difficult one at that. One that you, your family, your boyfriend, and your psychiatrist must play an active role. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most common therapy, but there are a wide variety of other treatments as well such as group therapy, hypnosis, EMDR, Neurolinguistic Programming, and even art and music therapies. There are also many medications that can help ease your symptoms as well. The most popular being SSRI's, mood stabilizers, and benzos..however there have been some promising results from the use of certain hypnotic and anti-convulsant drugs. I just began treatment for my PTSD with the anti-convulsant Neurontin, coupled with Ativan for anxiety, and Celexa for depression. There are a lot more treatment options available than one would think, and medical science seems to be making some very legimate breakthroughs in the causes and treatment of trauma related disorders. Again, I am so sorry that you have been subjected to such atrocities in your life and I wish you nothing but the best on your journey towards recovery. I hope I have been able to help point you in the right direction. Good Luck and keep fighting...you can beat this!

 
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