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Old 06-02-2013, 09:54 PM   #1
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mgoo HB User
Question Can't remember if I was raped.. HELP DESPERATELY PLEASE :/

Ok so I don't really know where to start.. So I'll just say everything.. It's long but I'm sorry. I just need some help.. :/

My mum and dad split up when I was two years old. The relationship was a kinda-violent one. My mum often tells me of things my dad did, he used to shake her and threaten to shoot her etc .. And when they split up it didnt change.

So when I went to my dads on every second weekend I used to get collected from my mums friends house. I do remember sitting on a car bonnet crying one day when i was about 4 because i didnt want to go to my dads. I always used to share a bed with him which i remember not liking, and he used to wear these white top and shorts to bed... he was big and he had this smell about him.

Then my mum told him I needed my own bed as I told her i didnt like sharing his so he made me just sleep on this little couch in his room. Every morning he would tell me to hop in his bed to have morning hugs which I really felt uncomfortable doing. He only had a small place on top of a shop - a bedroom and a kitchen. (used the toilet in the shop). He never had much money, ate pies basically every meal.

At the age of about 9 or so I told my mum I didnt want to go to my dads house and she said that I was old enough to make that decision so she let me stay home. My dad didnt like this though.

None of this really bothered me until recently when i had this weird flashback/vision....

I remeber vividly one night that I was standing in his room kinda at the end of his bed and I even know what I was wearing (my pink minnie mouse boxers and top). He told me that I should take my knickers off to let myself air 'down there' at night. That's all I remember. Thinking back now I know I wouldve done it as Parents are always right when youre younger.

Ok.. so that's not too bad right? But then here comes another thing that makes me more confused. I have HPV Genital warts. I remember finding one near my vagina when I was very young (about 5-6) but thought nothing of it as you don't really know much about your body then. At the age of about 9-10 I realised that I had developed some more around my anal area. At about age 13-14 I realised this want normal and researched it online - and self diagnosed.

At age 16 (Im now 17) I decided I needed to do something about it as I had just got a boyfriend (who I'm still with...more on that later) so I went to the doctors for the first time. She advised me they were HPV genital warts and we started a process of liquid nitrogen which freezes them. It got rid of most of them so I was happy.

My doctor also told me that you can only get them through sexual type activity which I know I hadnt had as I believe I was still a virgin. I told her that and she asked if I had been touched as a child but I didnt answer. THAT made me question everything...

How could I have got them? I felt disgusting. especially with that vision/flashback in my head all the time.

ONE OTHER THING THAT MAKES ME WONDER... My dad was accused of sexually assaulting his ex-partners young daughter (she wouldve been about 7 or younger) but no legal action was taken. I'm his only daughter by the way. Ive also heard that they dont stop at one, theres usually many more.

Me and my boyfriend (who is older than me by a few... years - more than 8) were getting serious and I knew he wanted to have sex which I wanted too (please dont say we are too young as this post is not about that issue). He used to always put his hands on my butt when we hugged which i didnt like and used to push them away. He wondered about it but I said nothing. When we talked about having sex I felt uncomfortable though I wanted it.

One night I ended up crying at his place and he wanted to know what was wrong. I told him I was just a bit uncomfortable... He wanted to know why. I hate myself for what I did next. I told him my dad had done some things to me when I was younger. He laid there holding me while I cried. He asked if I had told anyone.. i said no. He was so angry and wanted to hurt my dad.

But why did I tell him I was basically raped when I dont know if that's what actually happened??? I hate myself for that. I thought it would bring closure and stop me wondering and thinking all the time - like it would erase it from my mind. He also knows about my HPV Genital warts too which I thought he would freak out about as he can get them from me but he was alright with it, comforted me and also said that I could tell him anything that he would never be disgusted by anything as he loves me. I asked if he would leave me and he said never cuz I'm his soulmate.

Right now I'm really wanting to tell him that I lied but Im sure he'll be hurt badly as he believes Im so honest... this is the only thing ive lied about though. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. This is why I really want to know if I was raped or not as a child.

I told him when we weren't too serious but now we are and I really just want to be truthful but Im so scared that he will be hurt and leave me.

I have read online that young children can block stuff from their memory to prevent themselves getting hurt in future, maybe my brain did that? I'm really not sure but please help me.


Thankyou so much in advance, any response would be great - but please no negative ones.

mgoo

 
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:06 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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2ndarysurvivor HB User
Re: Can't remember if I was raped.. HELP DESPERATELY PLEASE :/

Hello mgoo

I'm really sorry you went through this. I'm only 17 years old so I don't know if I'll be much help when I say this. My girlfriend was raped when she was younger around 8 or 9 and she's 15 now and it just recently happened again by the same guy. She doesn't want to get any help because she feels embarrassed and down when ever she talks about it so I understood and I'm just there for her.... well anyway cert for getting side tracked but from what I'm experiencing that maybe you should look into getting some counseling or get professional help... they can give you good advice and help... it sounds to me that you have a good guy in your life and that's good because he can be with you every step of the way... I hope this helped a little bit and I'm sorry you your going through this... you don't deserve to go through this... no one does... if you have any further concerns or questions I'll be more than willing to help and I wish the best for you

Sincerely, 2ndarysurvivor

 
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