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Old 11-16-2007, 07:10 AM   #1
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GatorGirl27 HB User
Unhappy How's your day?

How is everyone doing this Friday morning? I myself have been better. I moved to a new location with my fiance after getting recruited for a great job that had the bonus perks of being close to my family, in a much better climate for my RSD and better pay.....but he hates the area and we had a huge fight yesterday and I'm exhausted today and feeling horrible. My pain has been doing well- very manageable -but after our fight that lasted until the wee hours of the morning, followed by my getting up early for work- his getting up early with me to continue the fight while I ate breakfast and then he could go back to bed after I left to work....I'm not doing so hot. I'm confused, I'm exhausted - I'm up against a big deadline at work and I just feel emotionally and physically drained.

So folks, how has RSD affected your relationships? Has it made you stronger? Has it pulled you apart? How do you cope with stress and what do you do to combat it? I'm guess I'm just tired, sad, frustrated and worn out. I hope you all are having a better day than me. I'm now contemplating calling off a wedding - I need support not conflict.

 
Old 11-16-2007, 08:52 AM   #2
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Re: How's your day?

Hi Gatorgirl, sorry to hear you're having such problems with your fiance but at least you are close to your family. I do hope they support you or at least better than my family. As far as my husband and childern are concerned they're my support system, if it wasn't for them I don't what I would do sometimes. My second husband and I have been married close to 4 yrs now and he has been there every step of the way. If anyone even tries to upset no matter if it doctors, nurses or my family, he is there to let them know they're not gonna mistreat me in anyway. Because RSD left me totally disabled because I lost the complete use of my left arm and have only about 30% use of my right arm. So he helps me out whenever I need it especially if I haven't a bad day. I try to stay away from anyone who stresses me out especially my mother who acts like I some kind of junkie. Because for some reason she doesn't believe I'm as bad off as I am. So the only other person who can stress me out is my youngest daughter when it comes to her sorry boyfriend. But there's one thing for sure you don't need someone who is not gonna to support you and wants to argue with like that. My first husband was like that, always wanting to argue with me. Finally, after 10 yrs of it I got out of the marriage and swore I would never get in another relationship like that. My second husband is just so wonderful, I wouldn't take nothing for him. The one thing he can't stand is to stand around and argue about something and he won't argue with you. If I were you I would take a good look at this relationship and ask yourself if it worth it. Just imagine spending the next 10 or more yrs with this person and sometimes it only gets worse. There are some good men out there and sometimes it worth the wait to find him. It took me 8 yrs before I find the one I'm married to now and I'm so glad I waited. I wish you all the luck in the world and believe RSD is enough to worry about everyday. So just take the time to really think about it and ask yourself do you really want to add more stress in your life with someone who is not going to be there for you.

 
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Old 11-16-2007, 08:58 AM   #3
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Re: How's your day?

Aw Hon,

I'm so sorry about the fight. Maybe with time he will come around. If not, I don't know what you want to do. I know what I would do, and I'll tell you if you promise to understand that this is my opinion, and what works for me should not be instructions for anyone else. Deal? OK..here goes. If I moved to have a better job, more money, better hrs, and #1, to be closer to my family, that is where I would stay. I feel I deserve someone who stays with me when things are good and bad. I've been married to the same man for 30 years. He wanted to move to fla and go to work for Disney, after getting out of the military. I went with him, and even tho it isn't my location of choice, I stayed, and aside from complaining about palmatto bugs (big phobia), I was just glad to be with him and our kids. When you love someone, being with them is more important than where you are. Now that I have rsd, hubby takes care of me. I also have horses, dogs , and cats here at the house, and as of Tues. I'm getting my perm scs implanted, and that means several months of not being able to take care of the animals. He will have to do that, in addition to, driving to work, (on way takes almost 2 hrs), working 10 hrs days, and then coming home and starting over again. Will he complain, maybe a little, but more in joking that being mean. I would never settle for less than I deserve, and I've been married before, not a good choice, got divorced and landed this gem. As I said, it works for me, but I tend to be a very independent person, and I am happy and pleased with myself. I also have a very high opinion of myself, therefore, I would quite while I was ahead. Again. Just give it some thought. there are a lot of great guys out there.

Hugs
Mary

 
Old 11-16-2007, 10:12 AM   #4
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GatorGirl27 HB User
Re: How's your day?

Mary & Rayefaye,

First, thanks for the advice and the words of advice. Trust me - I'm taking the very seriously....I use to always be the person that put everyone else in front of my own needs....but RSD has changed me. I am focused on what will keep me healthy, what will keep me happy and what will reduce the stress in my life. Work - some stress but that's unavoidable and over all I love what I do, Emma (my dog) - is a joy and I wouldn't trade her for the world, even when she stresses out b/c I am and eat a pair of mommy's comfortable shoes, my family- not really a stressor- my mom is my best friend. My fiance - a good guy- usually very protective of me and quick to step in to do whatever it takes to relieve my stress -but then some days it seems he gets tired of it. And honestly guys - I understand. He recently lost his grandfather on the anniversary of losing his younger brother and he doesn't deal well with the grief...and I think things just sort of imploded. Luckily- our wedding is not for a while - so it will give us time to sort out these issues and see where the chips fall. As my dad reminds me - 2 things in life you can't change- death and taxes...everything else is under your control. So, this wedding will happen -if it's right. And if we are just too far apart with our lives...it will not.

Mary- I too am a very independent person. I'm not moving. I love the area, the job, having my family near by....there is nothing to not love (except love bugs -yuck!). So, this is where I'm going to stay. I've been on my own and I can support myself -I don't need him to do that for me. So, I will just have to really calmly talk this out with him.

Thank you both so much for listening and responding. I just feel like....I get totally overwhelmed by life sometimes....I'm still trying to figure out who I am now...b/c I'd be lying if I didn't say that RSD affected me to the core. I was a professional athlete and now I stumble up steps and couldn't run if you pointed a gun at me...well, maybe but I'd stumble. It's hard to have that athletic person I've been my entire life fall away.....it's how people identified me..."oh, she's the figure skater"....which is one nice thing in Florida - not too many rinks to have to avoid! I guess....things are just still very topsy turvy for me at times...and I've got some serious thinking to do.

Sorry to go on and on...it just feels good to have a place to talk to people that know what I'm going through.

Speaking of- when you're having a flare up -does anyone have problems with really blurry vision? I have that - after getting stressed I always end up with the zingers and blurry eye sight - and hopefully it'll stop there. It's so weird, it's like I have the wrong glasses on or something - and my fingers don't want to cooperate.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone. *hugs*

 
Old 11-16-2007, 11:34 AM   #5
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Re: How's your day?

I am sure you will make the right decision. sometimes when they are stressing, it just seems easier to pick on the one the love. I know I do it now and then. I really had to laugh at you mentioning that your fingers don't work. I am really a very good typist. Now tho, I'm happy if people can kinda make out what I'm trying to say. Even after proofing what I type, I still can get it wrong.
I to used to be an athlete. I ride horses. I spend over 7 years in Germany riding and training. I used to be good. I even brought one of my horses back to the states with me. He is my soul mate. I now have a total of 3 horses, and they live on our property with us. beautiful barn and riding arena. I also have 3 doxis. and 4 barn cats that don't know that they are suppose to be feral. At least with getting the perm SCS unit this Tuesday, my doc has said that he didn't see a reason why I couldn't ride again in about a year. That is what keeps me going. That and going into NYC for Broadway plays.

hugs
Mary

 
Old 11-18-2007, 07:15 AM   #6
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Re: How's your day?

Gatorgirl,
Iam sorry to hear your going through all of this.. I had experienced problems with my boyfriend through all of this.. Iam not going to lie.. Its been almost 7 yrs now.. We still have problems on and off.. Having a chronic condition will affect a whole family in differant ways. For us I had to stop working which meant all the financial burden was on my boyfriend.. I don't collect disability.. All I get is childsupport when he feels like paying.. I try to think how I would be feel if I was in his position.. He's probably thinks to himself sometimes. what did I get into too.. There are times where he fully understands and other times I can see the frustration in him.. Has never said its your fault.. He just says it is what it is and we have to deal with it... We've had problems with being imtimate. I was wondering why he wasn't giving me affection and attention.. He felt like I didn't want him.. He said he was afraid to hurt me.. cause afterwards I would always be in pain for days. Or if he did try, I would always turn him down.. So he felt rejected. We did work it out.. I said, talk to me.. don't ignore me.. I will tell you if I don' feel good.. Let me be the judge. I don't know your personal problems but he maybe feeling something like that.. Give him a chance. Its hard on his end too.. I bet you if you asked he would say that...
For my kids, it was hard at first.. Expecially my oldest who is 18 now.. Taking these meds makes me very tired, grumby. Having pain makes me irritable. Alot of our fights were from me being a little touchy.. He once said to me.. Just take your meds.. Your alot happier when your on them.. right there showed me the frustration that he had.. When I spoke to his councilor.. She had told me he spoke of fear about me.. He was worried how I would be in the future.. Kids don't tell you that.. You just don't know what goes through their minds..
Iam sure your fiance loves you.. You both made a big change.. Its going to take time to adjust to it all.. Not only are you battling a chronic condition but your also adjusting to the move.. For him.. its probably alot.. I mean think about.. You have your family, your new job.. Does he have any family out there? Does he have any friends out there? He's probably feeling alone. Men won't come out and say that.. Just him moving out there with you shows that he loves you.. Give him time.. Remember, I know your the one going through the pain.. but he is experiencing it from a differant view then you. When your together with someone.. Both of you have to meet in the middle.. physically and mentally.. Don't take away that he feels this way.. Its what he feels.. and he's being honest with you.. What you need to do now is say.. Ok I know he feels this way.. What can we both do to work this problem out.. Talk about it.. Not while your fighting though.. wait until things calm down.. If you can't talk and it just ends up in arugments.. Try going to therapy.. You are not alone.. Chronic conditions will affect all families in some way or another... Its all a matter of adjusting.. Iam not sticking up for him all the way.. I just see how hard it was for my boyfriend.. You are fairly new in this relationship.. Its differant compared to a couple who has been married for yrs.. I was in that postion too.. I know the differance.. Your building a relationship and memmories and dealing with a chronic condition.. Thats alot for a new couple.. I'll stop now.. Just give a chance.. work through it.
Good luck..
Michelle1

 
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