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Old 08-21-2001, 11:38 AM   #1
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Jen G HB User
Unhappy Control Freak

I think I married a "Control Freak". Only he can do everything right. I never do anything right and I am always the bad person in this marriage, according to him. He tells me how to do everything. Everything has to be done "his" way only. I need to know how to live with him. This problem is ruining our marriage. Help, please!

 
Old 08-21-2001, 04:16 PM   #2
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One word...LEAVE...either you deal with it, or you don't.

 
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Old 08-21-2001, 05:52 PM   #3
quest2001
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Run, and don't look back.....

 
Old 08-22-2001, 06:25 AM   #4
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Unless you are prepared to put up with it, leave. And if he comes running after you promising to change, don't believe it.

 
Old 08-23-2001, 03:02 PM   #5
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it's too bad you didnt know this before you got married ...or did you......anyway...
i went through something like this myself. if you hear that you are wrong enough times you start to believe it. Don't. get out now before it gets worse, because it will. i know that is easy to say and hard to do but believe me you will be so glad that you did!! You ARE a good person, and you can do what ever you want to do, no matter who says what!! And don't listen to his pleas for you to come back, he will change, it is all BS...you can't change a person like that, all they want is someone they can push around. the truth is, people like this are not happy with themselves, so they try to make themselves feel bigger and better by making you feel small and crappy. I've been in your shoes, i know it sucks.....best of luck to you and let us know how things are going ok? Take care of yourself, because you can...................K http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
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Old 09-02-2001, 03:46 PM   #6
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MIKESGIRL, SOMETHING YOU SAID STRUCK A NERVE. I CAN BE PRETTY CONTROLLING TOWARDS MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I AM A TERRIBLY JEALOUS PERSON. BUT IT'S TRUE, I'M VERY INSECURE WITH MYSELF SO WHAT YOU SAID MAKES A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE. MAYBE THE HUSBAND HAS SOME INSECURITIES THAT HE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH. DON'T SAY HE'LL NEVER CHANGE CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW. I'M NOT SAYING HE'S RIGHT BUT I KNOW I SURE WANT TO CHANGE AND QUIT ACTING LIKE I'M MY HUSBAND'S BOSS. GOTTA SAY THOUGH, MY HUSBAND'S A SAINT THOUGH CAUSE HE PUT'S UP WITH A LOT AND EVERY DAY HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVE'S ME AND HOW BEAUTIFUL HE THINKS I AM. ALL THE MORE REASON FOR ME TO CHANGE I THINK. ALSO, HE'S ONLY 28 AND I THINK MOST GUY'S IF THERE THAT YOUNG WOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER STAYING. BUT IF YOU TRULY LOVE SOMEONE YOU'LL FIND WAYS TO WORK IT OUT.

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STEPHANIE :-)

[This message has been edited by ILOVEARIZONA (edited 09-02-2001).]
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Old 09-02-2001, 10:10 PM   #7
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Some words - read "the Surrendered Wife" Not saying that you should become a simpering little subservient wife but might give you some techniques for allowing your hubby some control over his own destiny instead of you feeling like you have to control everything!

 
Old 09-02-2001, 10:26 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ariadne:
Some words - read "the Surrendered Wife" Not saying that you should become a simpering little subservient wife but might give you some techniques for allowing your hubby some control over his own destiny instead of you feeling like you have to control everything!
Did you not read what she had to say? This is about her husband controlling her....He has control over his destiny, hers included...She has none. The book The Surrendered Wife is looked upon even by conservative women as appalling....A good relationship is not about obeying your husband, shouldn't it be about helping each other grow....This book sends women right back into the dark ages....

 
Old 09-02-2001, 11:37 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by quest2001:
Did you not read what she had to say? This is about her husband controlling her....He has control over his destiny, hers included...She has none. The book The Surrendered Wife is looked upon even by conservative women as appalling....A good relationship is not about obeying your husband, shouldn't it be about helping each other grow....This book sends women right back into the dark ages....
I was actually referring to the post above mine by Ilovearizona...this is not about reverting to the dark ages, but gaining power over your own actions, and learning about equality in relationships. I say equality but I don't mean "you clean the house this week and I do it next week" - the fact is some relationships work better where the partners are happy to take the traditional gender roles defined by society over the decades! For myself - I would be quite happy to take care of children, do the shopping and cooking etc, and allow my partner to work to support the family - if that's what we agree on. Or I am happy to work and look after the finances of running a household, while my partner raises kids and does the "traditional" wife role. Agreeing on your roles is part of an equal relationship. It's called compromise! And *both* partners must compromise for the relationship to work.

I have recently ended a long term relationship with a controlling man, who, although he wouldn't work (I provided for both of us) still insisted on being in control of all the money, food, housework, transport, home decorating, whether the toilet lid was up or down, my friends, my family...you name it. I felt like my life was spinning away from me, and I was very unhappy. It is abusive and it does destroy self esteem. Fact is - it was making me miserable, he wouldn't change, so I had to leave. We were together for 6 years and I was in love with him, and that's why I put up with it for so long!

I agree that a good relationship is not about obeying your husband, and those words will not be included in my marriage vows, but if these people don't stop abusing their spouses they will have no relationship. Control in a relationship is mental and emotional abuse no matter what people say. The problem must be addressed by the person who recognises that one exists! In ilovearizona's case - she recognises she has a problem, she must - with her husband's support, address her problem. Her insecurities don't stem from his actions, she can see this, so she is in a position to discover and address the source of her insecurities.

In Jen G's case, she recognises her husband has a problem. Letting him know this will be difficult for her, and her marriage may not survive, but if she can get him to understand how his actions are hurting her, she can help him get the problem under control! Woops there's that word again!

Anyway - I do hope that whatever the outcome for both of them, that it ultimately makes them happy.

 
Old 09-05-2001, 02:21 PM   #10
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I just want to thank everyone who responsed to my dilemma. It was all very good advice and it will give me something to think about. At this moment my husband is being wonderful. I have even spoken to him about his belittlement and controlness. He tells me that he had no idea that was how I truly felt about some of his actions. So I guess we will see how things go from here. Thanks everyone, again!
Jen G

 
Old 10-02-2001, 02:15 AM   #11
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Well how often does this happen, Hi everyone I am the controlling husband. I want to say to all that thinks not trying to work out problems in a marriage is the way to go, IS NOT THE WAY TO GO!!!!.

My wife copied some of the comments yall made and brought them home and put in a old notebook, she thought I would never find them I guess. I needed a piece of paper yesterday. She had only printed the ones that said to leave me. This made me mad

Seems to me with not knowing any more than she told how can you call it good advice to just pack up and leave. There are people in this world that are up on a fence not knowing witch side to fall to, and they will listen and do any thing they hear or read. This seems like a good place for get advice. Don't give the easy way out first try to help them through it. If yours and others advice does not help, then maybe go to last resorts. Thanks too all that tried to help!
>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>> >>>>>>...

I don't think that I am that controlling, but I guess an alcoholic does not know he/she is an alcoholic. If I could see a problem her it would be that I am to helpful, I can hear some of you now LOL but it is true. I would never do or say anything to hurt the wifes self-esteem. (seems that I do though) She does not like to be helped and she dose not like to know if some thing is not its best.
For example I might say your hair looks better another way than the way it is now, Or the other pair of shoes might be better to where today then those. I only say these things because I think it might help her look her best and feel her best or do her best, not just because I think it should be my way. AND MORE THAN HALF THE TIME SHE DOES NOT TAKE MY ADVICE ANYWAY.
EXAMPLE- This is a big on: when she cooks she does not want me to tell her how to do anything even if I know a better way. I have a swelled head when it comes to cooking and anyway she only cooks for me she does not even eat most of the time so what is the big deal if the food is the way I want it.

The way I see it we are both bullheaded she want it done the way she has always done it and I want it done the way I have always done it.

controlling her would be telling her what she can and cant wear, where she can and cant go, telling who she can talk to or look at and who she cant. I DO NOT DO THIS!

I have decided that sense she has found her way here this really bothers her and I don't want her self-esteem any lower then it is. I guess I should let her have her way more often.

constructive criticism is what I would call it and she does not take it well.
How do you deal with someone like this do you just stand back and watch them fall or fail when you could have helped. Just don't seem right to me. I love her very very much and want nothing more then for her to be happy

I am not shore if she checks this site often or sense this was posted and I don't plan to tell her that I have replied if she finds out fine. But the problem is still there and maybe not as bad at times but still there. By finding this it has allowed me to know how bad this has bothers her and hopefully yall will have some input for me as to how to deal with myself and my wife. THANKS


<<<<<<<<<< <JASON>>>>>>>&gt ;>>>>

 
Old 10-02-2001, 10:39 AM   #12
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Jason,
I am so glad you care enough to ask for help. You didn't say how long you have been married. But from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like very long. The first few years are always the most difficult trying to lay the ground rules in how to get along & talk to each other.
It is so important to not be critical of your wife ( or her of you ) when she does something for you. Even innocent suggestions when said at the wrong time hurt feelings. The time to suggest things you like to eat aren't when she is in the middle of cooking but casually brought up another time. That way she doesn't feel personally attacked about what she is preparing for you.
There are so many wonderful books out there, you should try to get some and read them. My favorites are by Dr Phil that is on the Oprah show a lot & getting his own show soon.
My best to both of you & you are on the right track just acknowledging there is a problem and trying to fix it.
God Bless you both,
Barbi

 
Old 10-16-2001, 08:45 PM   #13
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Girl you are wasting your time with this man. Don't let him control you. Get out if you can. No man tells me what to do.

 
Old 10-17-2001, 09:14 AM   #14
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Hmmm..I see a bit of myself in Jason. I have a tendency to want things done MY way. I'm very anal retentive when it comes to certain things. I'm not jealous or insecure within my relationship, but I've inherited the tendency to be a control freak about certain things, namely cleaning the house. I don't like how other people clean, just the same as Jason does not like the way his wife cooks, or at least he feels that there is a better way. I can't say that my neat freak side is ruining my relationship, since my fiancee has given up cleaning and allows me to do it all. I prefer it that way; I know it's done the right way. Perhaps Jason should cook for himself, that way he knows it's done his way, and as he said, his wife does not eat it anyway.

I've learned that personal insults do not work in a relationship. I would say to my fiancee, "Did you grow up in a barn?" everytime that he did not clean the "correct" way. After he explained to me that those comments hurt his feelings and it altered the way he felt about me, I made every effort to calm down and hold back the comments.

Jason, talk to your wife about how she feels. Perhaps she came from a family that she felt belittled or perhaps she had a family member that was controlling. Telling her that you prefer one pair of shoes over another in and of itself is not insulting or controlling, but taken in the context of how she feels about your other comments and actions, she feels controlled, belittled, and criticized. I don't know either of you and I don't know your relationship, but something larger is going on here for her to feel this way. Talk to her or lose her.


It's taken me years to get past the constant criticism that I felt from my perfectionist father. We get along beautifully now, but growing up was the hardest thing under his roof. Leaving the cap off of the toothpaste meant that I was stupid and sloppy, but coming home drunk was well, fine and forgivable. I'll never forget getting vacumning lessons from him because I was leaving dog hair behind. Rarely a thank you, only a "do it better next time." I realize now why he acted the way that he did, but for years I felt like no matter what, I couldn't do it right. I spent years trying to get some words of approval from him, and only now as an adult I do. I guess through all of this babbling I am trying to tell you to talk to your wife in a non-critical, non-defensive way or risk losing her.

 
Old 10-26-2001, 02:44 AM   #15
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Reminds me of the movie 'Sleeping with the enemy' Anyway, it can't be as bad as that. Brtter to give a try at adjusting.
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