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Old 06-04-2002, 12:52 PM   #1
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Christine-MA HB User
Post Would love some opinions....

I wasn't really sure where to post this, but you guys are so nice, so I'd like to hear some feedback on my current situation.
I wrote before, if anyone read, about my 16 yr old sister being pregnant, and me being everywhere from jealous to outraged. Now my aunt is having a baby shower for her. I want to protest. Not really protest, I just like to use that word when I'm discussing this. I see no reason to have a party to celebrate a 16 year old (who dropped out in 9th grade, the father is in jail, neither of them have a job...) being pregnant. Now, my mom had me when she was 16, but it was a totally different scenario...so I'm not saying it's always a terrible thing. But in this situation, it is. Another aunt of mine has a problem too, with bringing her 14 year old daughter to the shower to see the nice party and gifts that you get if you get pregnant at 16.
ALSO...my other side of the family is HAPPY about this, not all of them...but some. They say it will change her. And it very well might, but I'm not sure I can go to this shower, and see the stuff she gets, and how happy everyone is, when I thihk the whole thing is a BAD situation. I totally admit some of it is jealousy, but I'm sure you can see why I'm upset as well.
Don't get me wrong, I'd get the baby clothes/diapers...whatever she needs, I just don't see a need for a celebration.
Opinions anyone? =O)

 
Old 06-04-2002, 01:02 PM   #2
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hi i can understand some of the things you said but remember that little baby growing is innocent http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif even though its not here yet why should it miss out? maybe everyones coming to terms with the pregnancy and there just doing the done thing, one day you will too sorry its upsetting you take care

 
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Old 06-04-2002, 01:03 PM   #3
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Hello,
No matter what the circumstances are, there is a person who is about to begin their life and I think that the shower is sort of like a pre-birthday party for that person. The mother of this new person is the honored guest at the shower. That's the way I see it.

Dannyelle

 
Old 06-04-2002, 01:09 PM   #4
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Christine-MA HB User
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Thanks guys. I totally want to be involved in my first niece's life...and I guess I'd be missing out myself to skip her first celebration. =O)
But I can still see myself saying something to someone if they tell me what a great thing it is! I'll try to bite my tongue

 
Old 06-04-2002, 01:21 PM   #5
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Don't worry about it. She might as well enjoy the shower and the fun while she can...until she finds out how hard it is to take care of a baby! That's when the party is over.

I just loved my children to pieces, but I remember how hard and time-consuming it was to take care of infants. However, I had it easy compared to most; I was an adult(didn't have to worry about school) and my husband's salary managed to carry us, so I didn't have to deal with work too. However, I did without alot of things I wanted to stay home with them and provide them with what they needed I was extremely lucky, and yet remember it was still hard at times.

Obviously, your sister will have to deal with school and work for a number of years...and the costs associated with having a child these days is staggering. Unless she comes from a rich family, she will have to do without many things after paying for her childs' needs; clothes, diapers, medical checkups, etc.

Babies are like puppies...the new wears off when they become dogs. I hope your sister will love her child as much as I did because then the sacrifices will not seem so bad. If I were you, I would never envy anyone having a baby so soon in life...although they fill you with love, they are such hard work, alot of responsibility and extremely costly.

Best to have them when you are more ready and able.

 
Old 06-04-2002, 03:00 PM   #6
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YadaYada HB User
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I can certainly understand and empathize with your feelings. I had a similar situation in my family, but it was a different time and the girl who was pregnant was shunned socially and by her family. Her school booted her out and it was a horrible stigma. Times have changed and sex is casual and society as a whole doesn't seem to see anything wrong with a 16 year old child having a child.

However, what's done is done. It's certainly not the babies fault and you can express your disappointment with the situation without alienating everyone. If someone says "it's wonderful" you can counter with something like "I'm thrilled to be an aunt, and I'm happy everyone is healthy, but I'm disappointed that it had to happen this way" or something like that. Maybe that will help you keep from exploding, but won't anger whoever you are talking to.

It's sad that it has to be this way -- but I'll bet you will be a terrific aunt and will help teach this child a good morality and value system, and about being responsible and about love too.

So, to keep the focus positive -- gulp! -- Congrats on being an aunt!
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Old 06-04-2002, 06:57 PM   #7
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if i were you, i'd get my tail to that shower and keep my mouth shut even if i had to glue it shut! i understand where you're coming from but this is your SISTER, for pete's sake! how do you think she would feel if she knew that you were trying to put a damper on the shower? i agree with the other posts, it's not that little baby's fault and with your sister being only 16, i'm sure she could use as much help and support as she can get right now. if you really don't think you can keep a lid on it, then speak with your sister privately and let her know how you feel instead of just not showing up. don't let petty jealousy get in the way of your relationship. good luck.

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Old 06-04-2002, 11:32 PM   #8
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I listen to Dr. Laura Shelsinger's radio program every day, she's the one that's always talking about having high morals. She would have a field day with this post. She doesn't believe that unwed, underage, girls should have a shower either. You don't have to like it, but always do what you believe to be right in the long run. The only one you can control is you. I think I would have a discussion with the
'parent' of the unwed teen mother, to explain to the 14yr. old that this is not the way to start a family. And is not acceptible behavior. You can be polite, but you don't have to agree with it. I don't, I agree with you. It sets a bad example for the 14yr old and the soon to be mother. Chances are pretty good she'll get pregnant again. Why not, that's when she gets all the attention http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif There's not much else you can do at this point, it sounds like that baby is going to need an aunt with a good head on her shoulders. So at least keep the piece enough so the baby will have you in it's life. Diana


 
Old 06-05-2002, 06:38 AM   #9
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Christine-MA HB User
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Thanks everyone, I've pretty much made up my mind to go the shower. The aunt that is throwing it called me yesterday to ask if I wanted to help with the decorations, etc, and I tole her I really wasn't too fond of the idea, and she said she just didn't NOT want to have one, and regret it down the road, which I understand. So yes, I'm going to go, for Isis's (that's what she wants to name the baby *sigh*) sake.
Flyfskm, I understand what you're saying, and in some situations, I agree. But I'll tell ya, my sister cares about herself, and herself only. I can't remember when the last time she came to a family function was (Xmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, cookouts, birthdays, etc). So why she would expect everyone to come celebrate her, I would have no idea. She has said things to my younger sisters about being upset because everyone's buying things for the baby, and no ones buying her anything. Mind you, the girl (and the father) don't have $1 in their names, so where they think food, clothing, and diapers come from is beyond me. My sister has also said that no one is allowed to touch her baby except to change diapers, because she's not changing a diaper.
Anyhow, yes I'm going to go, and hopefully all goes smoothly.

 
Old 06-05-2002, 09:29 AM   #10
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Christine -- my heart goes out to you. I can tell this is really hurting you because you care and love your sister. I am so glad you will be there for Isis (hey, I've heard MUCH worse, such as "Dweezel" and "Moon Unit" Zappa (Singer Frank Zappa's kids)

Your sister has a LOT of growing up to do.

I have a sister who is an arrogant, spoiled, BRAT, and has always been that way. She's in her 50's now & still has a teenager attitude (I'm always right, my way or no way, what's in it for ME? ) but she did manage to raise 3 kids and they turned out just fine.
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Old 06-05-2002, 10:36 AM   #11
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Denise F HB User
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I know how you feel. I had to go to one for my niece.
My pre teen daughter was invited too. I debated about taking her. But, decided to bring her after we had a
long talk about how goof ball the celebration was to
celebrate a young girls unfortunate circumstance, and
celebrate a child coming into the world who would not
have a father and a child for a mother. My daughter
understood that we were standing by a family member-not
condoning what she had done. This happened about five
years ago and my sister-in-law who thought it was
so exciting to be getting a grand child is now raising her granddaughter and another out of wedlock infant,
since my niece learned nothing the first time. My
sister in law is wore out all the time but it's too
late to do anything now. She loves her grandkids but
it sure would have been better for the kids and her if they had been given up for adoption.



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Old 06-05-2002, 03:50 PM   #12
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nanbob1 HB User
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Support your sister and the baby,not the act,you are correct that a shower seems to be rewarding her for what she did ,and on its face seems wrong.Well it is wrong by the stanards we all should have to live by,but todays world will already put enough obsticles in er path,she will need all the things she gets.The child is innocent,and will need a good Aunt to,which you will be.So go with it and be sure you have the message also,sex out of mariage never works out,if you give it up,8 of 10 guys will take it,talk about it and walk away,save it for the right man...
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Old 06-05-2002, 04:54 PM   #13
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Lady02 HB User
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The best thing you can do now, is not judge your sister. Everyone makes mistakes. I know you've made mistakes that you aren't very proud of. Maybe this will make your sister a better person. I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong for your 16 yr. old sister to be having a baby. But do your best to give her your support. Try to encourage her to finish school, or get her GED at least. Don't allow her to use you, but be there for Isis if nothing else.

After all, everyone's situation is different. Some can handle it, and some can't. My best friend had her first child when she was 15 approaching 16. And she had the second the following year, right before she turned 17. Sure she had to put a lot on hold. But she is doing what she has to do to provide for her children. After we graduated high school, she went to school to be a Medical Assistant, and is planning to go back to become a Physician's Assistant. It also helps that both her children have the same father, who helps her with the responsibilities.

So don't discourage!! There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Go to the shower, and be the mature woman that we all know you are http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif Congradulations "Auntie" on your new addition to the family.

 
Old 06-06-2002, 05:40 PM   #14
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memehegan HB User
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I have seen several teen age pregancies and weather or not to go to this shower in the long run maybe just a speck of an issue for you, while it is certainly true that many teenage mothers are wonderful, loving and devoted, it doesnt sound like she has the character or moral fiber to be that, there fore the well being of that baby may very be in jeapordy in the future, she may expose it to inappropriate teenagers and adults -including predators that look for exactly this type of situation to sexually abuse a child, she may neglect it, verbally abuse it or even physically, the end result being that she may lose custody of this child- and if this child doesnt have warm, strong loving support and protection it will grow up with similar life issues. it is a neverending cycle and very painful for all involved. How old are you? How involved are your parents and how committed are they to raising this baby with her?

 
Old 06-10-2002, 08:30 AM   #15
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Christine-MA HB User
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Well, here's what's going on now...

I was at my parents on Friday, and my sister hadn't been home since Tuesday (I guess her bf got an apartment, so she was just hanging out there)...now...
she missed her Dr's appt on Thursday! So my mom said she doesn't know if she's going to have the shower, because she will probably just skip it. And the fact that she missed her Dr's appt really pi$$es me off! She's due in 5 weeks, she needs to be checked! And then, it's Friday, around noon, and she says...I haven't eaten anything today besides a cookie! I said, don't you understand that the baby gets it's nutrients from what you eat?!
I'm 23, btw...and my mom has already said a million times that my sister is NOT going to take the baby to her friends houses, like she does now, just takes off and stays at friends, or her bf's for days at a time. And the first time that she leaves the baby with my mom to "take off" my mom is getting the courts involved to get custody of the baby. So yes, my mom is very well aware that she is basically having another baby, without actually being pregnant. She works 3rd shift though, so she's not going to be around in the middle of the night...I do have 2 younger sisters 12 and 10 who I'm sure are going to have to take on a lot more responsibility. And I'll do anything I can too, if I was in a better financial situation, I'd take custody of the baby if I could.
I'd love my sister to get her GED, I know she's not actually going to go back to school, so at least I want her to get that. I'm going to buy her a study guide, seeing as she does nothing else with her life right now, she can prepare to take the exam.
Oh, and the worst thing is, she's actually told people that she got pregnant on purpose because she had nothing else going for her (not in school, no job...). I just pray she delivers a healthy baby girl, and I'm sure with all the family support she has, everything will be fine from there...

 
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