chiron

Ignorance is the mother of devotion. -- Robert Burton

My readings took place over a three to five year period of independent research and study. Each book I read in one way or another gave me an angular perspective of the destructive narcissistic pattern.

Often I could relate directly what I read in a familial way. In a search for personal understanding I read a number of professional books on the destructive narcissistic personality pattern:

"Narcissism and Character Transformation: The Psychology of Narcissistic Character Disorders" by Nathan Schwartz-Salant; "Alcoholism, Narcissism, and Psychopathology" by Gary G. Forrest; "Individuation & Narcissism: The Psychology of Self in Jung & Kohut" by Mario Jacoby; "The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern" by Nina W. Brown; "Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism" by Otto Kernberg; and, "Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications" by Elsa F. Ronningstam, Editor.

A more personalized account was given in: "Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists In Their Struggle For Self" by Elam Golomb.

After reading Gary G. Forrest's narcissistic profiling within the military environment I understood the general nature of the narcissistic personality: "Entitlement Deprivation," "Gender Identity," and "People Problems."

Several years earlier I shared similar observations with a school psychologist, speaking of "Functional Unsanity." Forrest discourse confirmed my observations to a great extent. I was somewhat dumb struck at all the time I had wasted in my life following a parental program of "Empty Promises."

At the same time I felt a lightness of being for several days as I reclaimed my energies. Unless you experience a casehardened narcissist first hand, you really cannot understand how "Rigid and Stubborn and Determined" they are to have their own way over others.

Cleverness and deception seem to be the order of the day. I know how frustrating the whole experience can be and I can relate to the human and economic problems realized therein. My own organizational parent was eighty-one when his health problems began with his second wife and her neurological deterioration.

She was younger than he was and he had more or less expected her to be taking care of him in his aging years. They both were of the old school and difficult personalities to be around, family included. He wanted to be King Of The Hill in his own castle for as long as possible.

They were in all ways fighting for a dominant position. Some discussion and consideration was given to a nursing home and an assisted-living environment, but a trusted professional family member discounted such a move, and in so doing completely alienated and undermined his own privileged position.

Estrangement was always part of the general status quo. "The Old Man" was determined to "take care of her" in every way, not wanting to leave her out of his sight for a moment, because "she might hurt herself." I had heard and experienced this before in the medical complications of the first marriage.

Allegedly, he did everything until his death some five years later. He progressively took over the cooking, cleaning, washing, feeding, dressing, and the maintaining of her personal functions of toiletry and bathing. It was really more than anyone could handle, including him. He was an enigma of personality, a walking contradiction of personal intentions. All the financial planning was for naught.

His life was about accumulation and investment and success; yet, paradoxically, he could not use his wealth to his or anyone else's advantage in a realistic way. It was always for the children, who were by and large grown adults. In personal and money matters, no one could get close to him without feeling emotionally abused.

He saw to it that she had more than adequate medical care, but his efforts were not enough to win her children over to his Will (To Power Over Others). Imitatively, they were just as determined to be as arrogant, stubborn, and ignorant as he was akin to be. I doubt they realized this, but I now believe they unknowingly mirrored his behavioral patterns as a family gamesmanship and one-upmanship.

There were alternative agendas involved as a highly competitive family game of economics began over who was going to die first. The extended families became involved in major conflicts of interests and positioning, emotionally and economically.

It is a very difficult story to tell honestly and judiciously, since no one could influence otherwise. He had to be in complete control of everything. He was always right, even when he was clearly wrong. Such behavior was in all ways an outrageous denial of any response-ability on his part.

When he finally fell ill, he went to the hospital and died within a week of doing so. She was placed in a nursing home, and a battle over a first and second Will came into play by a divided family, a family that was never really unified from the beginning.

The conditions of her care and treatment and the diagnosis of her having Alzheimer's disease were used as a leverage to undermine the will and the estate affairs. The complications were catastrophic and tragic in every way, but no one could leave “Will” enough alone in these antagonistic family affairs.

In hindsight, I often think that the only course of action that could have been taken would have been to take over his personal affairs legally by declaring him incompetent, but he was not incompetent. Rather, he was extremely functional, but in an unsound way.

As for myself, I kept my distance and pursued the path of knowledge as a wealth of understanding in these family affairs. I tried to keep it “in house.”

The family matrix is much deeper in psychological complexity; however, the above synopsis is a thumbnail sketch of what I have basically realized in the last few years.

How does my synopsis compare to your own experience?