BlueSprite555

Ok I am posting here because I want to know what you all think about my mother and whether or not she has BPD. I think she may, but she has never been to a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or anything, and she’d refuse to go.
Anyway, since I was about 3 she was abusive verbally and physically to my brothers and I. She always said that we didn’t care about her. She would scream at the top of her lungs 24-7 and said she couldn’t stop. She would scream at us so much that she’d lose her voice for a few days. She would scream and her face turned blood red and veins would bulge from her forehead. She would scream at us that we were “users”, and “selfish”, and that “no one gave a ****” about her. My brothers and I did all we could to be good children. My one brother was school president, captain of track- we all were honor students, and we all were in varsity sports. We never cause trouble and always tried to please her. She was never satisfied. If we did well in school, it wasn’t #1 in her book, if we did well in sports, we still didn’t “hustle” enough. She was embarrassed by us. When she and I would go shopping together, if I didn’t comply with her completely in her decisions she would threaten to beat me in front of everyone in the store. I couldn’t have friends over the house as she screamed so loudly you could here her up the street. At school the counselors asked if I had problems at home, and they said a jogger heard screaming coming from the house and asked my brother if everything was ok, he lied and said it was. We, as children, always wanted a “normal” life so we hid everything going on at home. I never told a soul. She would come into my bedroom while I slept and would wake me up. She would start whispering to me how I was a selfish, son-of-a-b**ch just like my father. “Just like your father” were her favorite words. It would escalate until she was screaming at me and it would last hours until morning and I had to go to school. I could never sleep. When I would try to cover my ears with my pillow she would scream “don’t ignore me!!!” When she would drive me someplace, she would roll up the windows and scream at me, at how horrible I was, how she wished she never had me or my brothers. I would be trapped. I used to dream about jumping out of the car just to get away from her, but I never had the guts to do it. She threatened suicide a lot. She said that one day I’d come home from school and she’d be hanging from the rafters. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom and would run the water, and wouldn’t let anyone in. I was always scared then that she hurt herself. She would sometimes cry and cry, and beat herself until there were bruises on her arms. She said that no one loved her, and that she sacrificed everything for us “kids” She said my father was a butcher, and that he “F**cked” her…she used to scream that over and over and over again. There were moments when she was “normal” though. She held a job. And when the phone rang, she could answer it and sound fine. But then when she would scream on the phone to my father, in the morning before school, and I said I was having a friend over and asked if she could stop, she would say “ok”, but then when I came home from school I could hear her screaming up the street. Eventually she kicked me out of the house, when I turned 18. All my brothers and I. She divorced my father when I was 13 (that’s when things got really bad because she took her anger out on me most). When we recommended that she see a therapist, she would yell that we wanted to “lock her up” and that she would never see one, and then she’d say that I needed one instead. Well, I have and still go to a therapist. I have no objection to it. I see one because of the 16 years of constant abuse I sustained while living under the same roof as her. When she kicked me out, she gave me 2 hours to leave, and didn’t care what happened to me. Oh, I could go on and on, and already this post is too long. When I tell therapists about her, they ask me if she drank, because her behavior mimics that of an alcoholic. But she never touched alcohol or any other drug, she didn’t want to ruin herself. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her dad was a gambler. Sometimes, my mom would sit in a dark room and just mumble things over and over to herself. Sometimes, she never crawled out of bed. But she could always pull herself together when strangers came to the house if she wanted to. And she could “snap” out of it. The weird thing was, she would say she couldn’t stop. Anyway, she got stranger and stranger with age I think…. organizing things, keeping everything in such control. I haven’t seen her in 8 or 9 years now. She doesn’t try to contact me or any of my brothers. She said she always wanted us gone, and so now we are. What do you think is her issue because I still think about her. I wonder what she is doing, and if she’d ok. I am conflicted because I seriously loathe her, but I also sort-of love her. I used to love her, when I was younger, but all the abuse just made it unbearable. And she would play mind-games. She would tell me I was a “loser” and then ask for a hug and my forgiveness…she would say she was “sorry” and that she couldn’t help it. But then two hours later she’d be screaming at me again. I don’t know, thinking about her still freaks me out…I always worried I’d end up like her or act like her. I think my going to therapy has helped me a lot, I know it breaks the cycle…I don’t want to ever be like her or like that.

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