i miss my kinda-sorta b/f...going insane w/o him...
forgive me, this is very long, i dont expect anyone to read or reply to this however...
it has been almost a year now since i met my significant other [not officially dating], andrew...
i think he is the only man i have ever truly loved. i have never felt as much ecstasy as i have with him, nor have i felt as much pain as when i'm without him. i have been constantly on the brink of tears for the last month or so, grieving for him even though i know he's probly okay. he's gone away...he's gone away, yeah...ever since i saw that video [drain the blood, by the distillers] the pain has been that much worse. it's...our band. but he isn't here. i don't even know if he wants me to die or wants to marry me. thing is...
my baby [again, not official, but i can still use pet names, right?] hasn't called me in 5 months. when he first started calling me last jan., i was on the bring of suicide [body image], but i would go from tears to, well, tears of joy when i would wake up to "i love you" on my phone. he promised he'd call me more often, but...
he got kicked out of the house, lst his job...i left him a message and his mom called me back and told me all about it. she knows his number, but "doesn't know if she should give it to me!!" we are in love!! we have done stuff together!! why can't i have it?!? it wasn't a me-personally thing, she just won't give it to anyone...i am worried to the point of bipolarity, tears and nausea...god i hope he's okay. because...a guy who i used to refer to as "the other andrew" cause they look so much alike...was murdered last summer...and it sounds like andrew is living on the streets...
...and that's why i haven't heard from him in so long. his last convo w/ me, he said "maybe you can spend the night [where he was staying] sometime." looks like that wont happen anytime soon...my heart is breaking, my chest is cold and numb...just like skylar's funeral. oh god please let andrew be okay...
he doesn't have my number, cause i got a new phone...but my old one can still get messages and i haven't got anything from him since june...i really think he lost it though, moving from place to place so often, and he doesn't have a cell phone that i know of.
"i miss pinky [another pet name for him ]...i haven't seen him in so long..."
"well, you two should get back together, i mean, if he means that much to you..."
**blushes hard**
^ convo. between me and my friend from school a month or 2 ago
--update--
i just called his mom...she loves me and yet we've never met ~_^;; she said she'd give him my new number. now all i have to do is pray that he'll call me. because i am going insane without him. but at least i know he's still alive, thank god...now for the moment i can breathe......
Last edited by xxFreakOfNaturexx; 11-08-2003 at 06:59 PM.
[COLOR=Magenta][SIZE=2]Youre right that is sad. but maybe its time for you to move on. i know that sounds hard but it seems to me like you are dependent on this guy for your total happiness, which is never a good thing. try to spend some time getting to know you, the real you as in the the"you and him" you. maybe once you are a stong and independant person he will come back to you
remember, if you let a person go, and they come back to you it was meant to be. sometimes you just gotta give it time.look to yourself for answers and everything will turn out okay
You are pining over a guy who you never really dated?
Never officially considered you and him a "couple"?
Is posibly "homeless"?
And doesnt call, write or contact you in any way in over 5 months?
I hate to be the one to turn the switch to on, but all signs read "he does not want to see you".
I mean it is that simple.
So please stop pining for someone who does not want to talk to you. Put those memories to rest. Besides, think of all the people you are missing out on, hoping for this guy to come back into the picture.
I know what you are going through, I have been there myself. It is hard to admit the truth at times, but the sooner you get over this the sooner you can live life again.
Best of luck.
Last edited by peoples_champ; 11-09-2003 at 04:29 AM.
um...actually...all signs point to 'he lost my number' or 'he has a girlfriend' if we wanna be that negative about it. and i *have* tried looking for other people, but almost got raped in the process. and all i can think of when i'm with other guys is andrew.
...he's the only one who has ever had at least *some* feelings for me, with the exception of a pedophile who dated me when i was 14 and he was 18, and talked about 'how i'd look good in anything...or nothing' over the phone. f***ing creep. right after he said that i made it damn clear i didn't want anything to do with him.
-another guy wanted to be friends with benefits...i came over to his place to hang out w/him and he ended up ripping my clothes off and asking me about 'my biggest fear about sex' and asking about my non-existant 'fantasies.' made up a curfew and left...i was 14.
-only other guy besides andrew i can remember having real feelings for treated me like s***...he was ok with me, then all of a sudden we liked each other, then for no reason he hated me...slept with junior high girls [both of us are in h.s.]...and that repeated 2 more times. look, *points to left arm* i even have a memento of him. *flashes scar that says 'F*** U RYAN'*
-i've almost been raped by a junior high kid......he talked about 'making [a Penthouse] of our own' if he got his camera...::shudders::
see, andrew is the only guy that i have ever cared about that actually has/had feelings for me. or was damn good at pretending, but either way my time with him was the happiest time of my life. sounds cheesy, but...all i ever feel is fear, sadness, anger, hate, guilt after eating, 'why won't anyone listen to me?!?',depression, and knowing i'll never be andrea. [anorexic girl at my old school; perfect body; stole every single guy i wanted--about 6 of them--away from me]...andrew...made me feel like i was good enough to be loved. like my body was good enough as-is. christ, i looked pregnant when i met him, but he didn't care. FINALLY, a guy that doesn't refer to me as 'less pushin for the cushion.' and i know he WILL call me someday, cuz his mom loves me so she'll probly give him my # within the next day or so if she hasn't already.
first off, don't start saying i don't have confidence when i say this, that is BS i always act confident unless someone like my stepdad is around to tear me down. but...no one will take a 34AA, round-stomached goth girl with moles all over her entire body and a big forehead slashed with scars from a car accident, thinning hair, back&chest acne, yellow teeth, borderline personality [pretty damn sure i have it but i stay away from shrinks and their pills...seen 'em from age 7-15, never again...20 lb. gain in a week, harrassment, and crippling 14-day withdrawal to name a few reasons], fat cheeks (on my face!!), and eyebrows that always make me look ****ed [not the shape, but how they push down on my face]...over a perfectly-perfect cheerleader or a damn lucky paperdoll.......
so who is attracted to me? hmm...from my experience: little boys, pedophiles, perverts, people who just wanna f*** everyone, and people who think i'm a hooker just b/c of how i dress.
now, isn't andrew better than those? yes. don't tell me he's not, because you don't know him and you don't know me.
i have a feeling if i tell my age people will stop listening to me or tell me it'll all get better in 2 years, then 4 years, then 10...i'm just gonna say i am not old enough to live on my own. but i will be in 10 months. i can't drive. i don't have a job. so when people tell me to just travel more and meet new people...fraid that's impossible. i am definitely NOT a people person...i'll take my ps2 over being social ANY day. i hate people in general. so i have 2 friends [in iowa], and only 1 of them can drive, but she lives with her parents 1/2 an hour away from me and can rarely leave home.
make more friends, you say? i already told you what i look like. most people are scared i'll kill them or something. i can't be around cigarette smoke or i get stabbing chest pain...SO that severely limits the places i could go or who i could be in a car with, IF i could make friends with ppl that i actually want to be friends with. you say to look for other guys...but its not that easy!!
Last edited by xxFreakOfNaturexx; 11-09-2003 at 07:24 AM.
um...actually...all signs point to 'he lost my number' or 'he has a girlfriend' if we wanna be that negative about it. and i *have* tried looking for other people, but almost got raped in the process. and all i can think of when i'm with other guys is andrew.
...he's the only one who has ever had at least *some* feelings for me, with the exception of a pedophile who dated me when i was 14 and he was 18, and talked about 'how i'd look good in anything...or nothing' over the phone. f***ing creep. right after he said that i made it damn clear i didn't want anything to do with him.
-another guy wanted to be friends with benefits...i came over to his place to hang out w/him and he ended up ripping my clothes off and asking me about 'my biggest fear about sex' and asking about my non-existant 'fantasies.' made up a curfew and left...i was 14.
-only other guy besides andrew i can remember having real feelings for treated me like s***...he was ok with me, then all of a sudden we liked each other, then for no reason he hated me...slept with junior high girls [both of us are in h.s.]...and that repeated 2 more times. look, *points to left arm* i even have a memento of him. *flashes scar that says 'F*** U RYAN'*
-i've almost been raped by a junior high kid......he talked about 'making [a Penthouse] of our own' if he got his camera...::shudders::
see, andrew is the only guy that i have ever cared about that actually has/had feelings for me. or was damn good at pretending, but either way my time with him was the happiest time of my life. sounds cheesy, but...all i ever feel is fear, sadness, anger, hate, guilt after eating, 'why won't anyone listen to me?!?',depression, and knowing i'll never be andrea. [anorexic girl at my old school; perfect body; stole every single guy i wanted--about 6 of them--away from me]...andrew...made me feel like i was good enough to be loved. like my body was good enough as-is. christ, i looked pregnant when i met him, but he didn't care. FINALLY, a guy that doesn't refer to me as 'less pushin for the cushion.' and i know he WILL call me someday, cuz his mom loves me so she'll probly give him my # within the next day or so if she hasn't already.
first off, don't start saying i don't have confidence when i say this, that is BS i always act confident unless someone like my stepdad is around to tear me down. but...no one will take a 34AA, round-stomached goth girl with moles all over her entire body and a big forehead slashed with scars from a car accident, thinning hair, back&chest acne, yellow teeth, borderline personality [pretty damn sure i have it but i stay away from shrinks and their pills...seen 'em from age 7-15, never again...20 lb. gain in a week, harrassment, and crippling 14-day withdrawal to name a few reasons], fat cheeks (on my face!!), and eyebrows that always make me look ****ed [not the shape, but how they push down on my face]...over a perfectly-perfect cheerleader or a damn lucky paperdoll.......
so who is attracted to me? hmm...from my experience: little boys, pedophiles, perverts, people who just wanna f*** everyone, and people who think i'm a hooker just b/c of how i dress.
now, isn't andrew better than those? yes. don't tell me he's not, because you don't know him and you don't know me.
i have a feeling if i tell my age people will stop listening to me or tell me it'll all get better in 2 years, then 4 years, then 10...i'm just gonna say i am not old enough to live on my own. but i will be in 10 months. i can't drive. i don't have a job. so when people tell me to just travel more and meet new people...fraid that's impossible. i am definitely NOT a people person...i'll take my ps2 over being social ANY day. i hate people in general. so i have 2 friends [in iowa], and only 1 of them can drive, but she lives with her parents 1/2 an hour away from me and can rarely leave home.
make more friends, you say? i already told you what i look like. most people are scared i'll kill them or something. i can't be around cigarette smoke or i get stabbing chest pain...SO that severely limits the places i could go or who i could be in a car with, IF i could make friends with ppl that i actually want to be friends with. you say to look for other guys...but its not that easy!!
K i tried to be nice. but you need help. you really do you need counselling. there is no reason to be so down about yourself. who cares if you are a little over wieght, i bet there is a good quality for ever bad quality you listed. everyone thinks something is wrong with them, but really youre more beautiful than you know. not every guy wants a "perfect cheerleader" most guys that are worth your time just want a girl who is there and who loves them.
if you think people are not talking to you because of the way you look maybe you should change. i know its never good to change for other people, but you cant blame them for not wanting to talk to you if you look like you will rip thier heads off. a good idea-still do the whole goth thing but tone it down a little. if you need a job, go out and get one. dress nice and get an interview. as for the not driving thing. dont worry i dont have my licence either. and god i live like 10 min out in the boonies, its not the end of the world. it gives you some great time to walk, which will help you lose the wieght you dont want.
its okay not to like people. i infact hate people. ive got 2 girlfriends that i hang out with. and thats from a girl who used to be everyones friend. if you feel like you need to make more friends try to join a club or an organization of people with similar interests to yours.
bottom line,
you need to like yourself before anyone else will. change your own life if you want it changed. no one is just gonna come to your house and say "hi im the magic life changer where do you want me to begin" while ur sitting there with your ps2 or whatever. get out there.
]...i haven't seen him in so long..."
remember, if you let a person go, and they come back to you it was meant to be. sometimes you just gotta give it time.look to yourself for answers and everything will turn out okay 
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