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Old 11-09-2003, 05:01 PM   #1
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courtneyclv HB User
Live-in boyfriend not responsible with money, how to get out of this mess.

Here is the short version. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I do love him but he just isnt responsible. I mean, he never really worked and I always paid for everything for two years. He is working now but it just isnt enough.

There have been times when he takes $20 from my hidden stash of money. He never tells me about it until I find out and ask him. then he says, "I thought I told you, its just $20." In the past he has used my credit card and bank card to take out some money (usually $20) from time to time. I know it is $20 but that doesnt matter. I feel like I cant trust him anymore. I shouldnt have to hide my money or write down how much is there so I know when a twenty is taken. He says we live together and should share. I just feel so used though. He says I care about money too much and I am greedy. Its not that I am greedy but I think things should be fair in a relationship. If I make more I should pay more for bills, but he isn't doing his part.

I just got a new car and I have a lot of bills. If he leaves, it will be hard for me to pay for everytihng myself. He says that he should continue to live with me just to help out because his few hundred dollars a month is better than nothing.

He has won money in the past gambling (we live in Las Vegas) and I suggsted opening a checking account or putting some in savings for when we have bad weeks at work (we both make tips) but he won't. He is 28 and I feel like I will never get him to be responsible with money. I feel like I am a mom to him, I use to actually give him an allowance and now that he works, I have to make sure he pays his bills (all in my name) on time. Gosh this story sounds patyhetic!

I have tried ultimatums to kick him out, that doesnt work. I dont want to call the police and get an eviction. I wish we could solve this money problem.
What should I do? I know there are a lot of issues here...

 
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Old 11-09-2003, 05:24 PM   #2
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Want 2 B Well HB User
Well I would start by getting new cards so he doesn't have access to them. Then I would cancel cards/bills he uses in your name. I would get his name off of everything of mine. Then I would NOT have a hidden stash of money where he can take it. He should not be able to get a penny of your dough, cash, credit or otherwise.

If he is not responsible then you must be. (Sounds like you are doing a great job so far) You make it too easy for him to not be better. Unfortunately when you do these things he will not like it. You have to be prepared for the outcome. When he can't "grab" a $20 out of your stash or account he might get ugly. The person that is "greedy" is the one taking what they shouldn't. NOT YOU!

Threats, ultimatums, won't work but action will.

 
Old 11-09-2003, 06:03 PM   #3
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Location: henderson, nv
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courtneyclv HB User
I did get new cards and changed the passwords. So he doesnt use them anymore. That did work. Its not that I have to hide the money from him, Its that i need him to be responsible with money and I cant teach him now..he is too old. What can I do about this though? He does help out when he can with bills but when he has cash he spends it. He doesnt want to save it, put it away for a rainy day, or even open up a checking account of his own. I have a savings account and it is all mine. I want US to have a savings account.

 
Old 11-09-2003, 06:15 PM   #4
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HoosierBj HB User
I would imagine that the truth is that you will have to accept that he will never change. This would mean, of course, that your financial footing would remain shaky for as long as you live.
I lived with a guy for 3 1/2 years who didn't work. I ended up gathering every ounce of self-esteem that I had left and started life over again.
It's 30 years later and he's still never held a job. Gets disability. Lives in subsidized housing. Mooches off his parents.
He also had an alcohol problem.
Guess what? I can admit that I do still love him to this day. I just couldn't live like that. My health was getting shaky and the stress of the fianancial instability was really hard on me.

If you accept that you can't change someone, and you really can't, then it is only you that can either change yourself or the situation...
I wish you the best...

 
Old 11-09-2003, 06:32 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Huntsville
Posts: 559
Monday1954 HB User
I agree with Hoosier. You have solved the problems about him using your cards but it still sounds like you provide most of the support.

Advertise for another roommate, someone to split the rent, utilities. phone and cable bills with. That way you could afford to chunk him out. As you might can tell I have no patience with people that don't pull their fair share of the weight. Tell him he must find another place to live in 30 days, that gives him a chance to find someplace else and you time to replace him as a roommate. If you still want to date him, fine, but you need to think about long term. Do you ever hope to have a family, buy a house? Would you be able to depend on him to help you meet those financial obligations, or would he just be another dependent?

You can't change people, he is who he is, the question is, do you want to be attached to him for life?
Monday

 
Old 11-09-2003, 08:47 PM   #6
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 382
Ms Harriet HB User
You are not his mommy. If he needs someone to take care of him tell him to go back to his mommy. You dont need to be counting your money and stuff. it shouldnt be that way. and about the whole sharing thing-sharing works two ways, if its just you"sharing" with him then its not sharing is it? the whole"its just20" thing will really add up, 5 times and thats 100 bucks. theres a lotta things you could buy with a 100 bucks of your OWN money.


telll him to pull his wieght or get out plain and simple. you should be able to leave your money whereever you want to without it getting stolen.

 
Old 07-19-2010, 07:20 PM   #7
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Scher HB User
Re: Live in boyfriend not responsible with money, how to get out of this mess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by courtneyclv View Post
Here is the short version. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I do love him but he just isnt responsible. I mean, he never really worked and I always paid for everything for two years. He is working now but it just isnt enough.

There have been times when he takes $20 from my hidden stash of money. He never tells me about it until I find out and ask him. then he says, "I thought I told you, its just $20." In the past he has used my credit card and bank card to take out some money (usually $20) from time to time. I know it is $20 but that doesnt matter. I feel like I cant trust him anymore. I shouldnt have to hide my money or write down how much is there so I know when a twenty is taken. He says we live together and should share. I just feel so used though. He says I care about money too much and I am greedy. Its not that I am greedy but I think things should be fair in a relationship. If I make more I should pay more for bills, but he isn't doing his part.

I just got a new car and I have a lot of bills. If he leaves, it will be hard for me to pay for everytihng myself. He says that he should continue to live with me just to help out because his few hundred dollars a month is better than nothing.

He has won money in the past gambling (we live in Las Vegas) and I suggsted opening a checking account or putting some in savings for when we have bad weeks at work (we both make tips) but he won't. He is 28 and I feel like I will never get him to be responsible with money. I feel like I am a mom to him, I use to actually give him an allowance and now that he works, I have to make sure he pays his bills (all in my name) on time. Gosh this story sounds patyhetic!

I have tried ultimatums to kick him out, that doesnt work. I dont want to call the police and get an eviction. I wish we could solve this money problem.
What should I do? I know there are a lot of issues here...
First off i would like to tell you that you aren't alone in these issues, we have all faced them at some point or another in our lives. I think the only thing you can do is sit down and make a list of his good/bad qualities and see if they are even worth your time to try to fix. If you really love him and want this to stop i would suggest putting your money in a bank and not letting him know that either, change your passwords and get a new pin number that way he can't steal from you anymore. Also from what I see he is a selfish user and sees you as nothing more than money. And hopefully you can tell him this and high tail it out of this negative enviornment and go back to the people who really care about you that's where you should be I hope this helps! Good luck to you!
~<3 Scher

 
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