rain on me - Relationship Health Message Board

nixie · 11-11-2003, 10:43 AM

I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I may be losing my true love.
My ex boyfriend and I dated for 5 months- things were so nice when we were together; we fell in love and really enjoyed each other’s company. But I grew restless because I was lucky if I saw him once a week and if he called me at least once a week. ( we live an hour apart) I am not high maintenance but I really felt like he wasn’t pulling his weight and it made me feel like he wasn’t so interested.
After another brush off I broke up with him. It was very amicable I said he must not want a relationship right now and he seemed relieved- but he said it was just that he was busy starting a new business. It is true that he is a workaholic but I also know he spends all of his extra time hanging out with his boys, leaving zero time for me. Anyway that was a month ago and I really miss his personality and intimacy.
I got a call last night from him for the first time since. It was obviously an accidental call, he must have had me on speed dial still and accidentally hit it on his phone because it is like 5 minutes of him & his friends chillin, listening to music and talking, and I think the conversation was somehow related to me. He said “ She called me a f#!*g di*%k“ and he laughed kind of sadly. That is true, but that is the meanest thing that I said to him.
It was very strange because it happened on a day that I went to a very special event that he was supposed to accompany me. And I was fondly thinking about how sweet it would have been to have him there. I don’t usually reflect like that- I usually tell myself to forget him- but at the moment I thought of him and really loved him- then I was suddenly inclined to looked at my phone and I got to that weird message.
I know this post is probably stupid and annoying but I want some objective advice. I honestly felt like some divine power, or something sent me that message at that time. I miss him. But he was not a good boyfriend (not bad either, I’ve had those before).

This is the catch-I feel like I am a total freak who can’t have a normal relationship (for medical reasons) and everything was good with him. He was a negligent boyfriend but at least I didn’t have to worry about being uncomfortable.
I did break up with him for a reason but I thought he’d try to fight it.
Now I want him back but I don’t want to look desperate and compromising.
Should I contact him to be friends again (or will I appear desperate) or should I try to forget him & maybe he’ll call me? Also I am thinking it is a good thing that he still has my number in his phone and maybe he appreciates what we had now that I’m gone, maybe he wants me back but doesn’t want to try because I dumped him. Help if you can please.

atlantalady · 11-11-2003, 11:40 AM

Hi:

I don't think you should call him at all. It doesn't sound like he did a whole lot in this relationship. You barely saw one another, and he could only find the time to call you once a week? When two people love one another, or are in a committed relationship, they make the time to call or write. I don't mean to sound cruel, but he sounds like a loser....he probably did make you feel special, but in the little amount of time that he did that, and you felt this good, just think what it's going to be like for you when you finally do meet someone who falls deeply in love w/you. Please, unless it's too personal, what are the medical reasons you spoke about?

I think the phone call was accidental. I've had my phone in my breifcase many times and a book or something pushed against it and I accidentally placed a call and didn't know I had. The other person could hear me talking etc. I think this is what happened in his case....oh, and I don't have #'s programmed in speed dial and this would call #'s....he could have met someone else that called him names and thought he was a jerk.

You sound like a giving person. Leave this guy alone and get out there and try again w/someone that deserves your love.

aphelion · 11-11-2003, 11:56 AM

If there is one thing i have learned from relationships is that, u should view people based on their actions and not their words. This might sound kind of pompous, but in the end anyone can say anything to you, and it takes a person who truly cares to act upon something they've said. Gauge his actions when u went out, and see if u can see the same pattern happening now, and then decide what your path is.

aphelion

sunflwrst · 11-11-2003, 12:47 PM

Hey Nix,

I don't think you're going crazy..and I don't think you've lost your true love, either. I think you're just missing him like crazy, right now...painful, but temporary.
Reasons I don't believe he is 'the one' :
1. Distance; an hour away..that's tough on any relationship...
2. He's a workaholic; it may seem temporary, esp. when starting a business..but if that tendency is there, he'll always log long hours...
3. He prefers spending time w/his friends before getting around to you.
So, the long hours and friends compounds the distance problem = very little time for you.
Again, the above mentioned are obstacles and would make any relationship difficult.

You broke up w/him in the hopes that he'd come fighting/begging for you...what you were hoping to get was some indication or proof of a deeper love for you AND more of his attention.
That said; he hasn't chased you..the fact that he hasn't is the 'Real Sign' to you, here...not the fluke phone call from him.

What I don't understand is your willingness to settle for so little; you said he's a negligent boyfriend, but at least you're not uncomfortable around him....and you want to go back to that? What I hear, is you blaming yourself: ..'He's not chasing me, so I must not be as worthy as I thought..and maybe I was too demanding ..I'm lonely and I miss him and I could do alot worse.'

I don't know what keeps you from having a 'normal relationship'..but I imagine you have a lot more to offer someone than you realize.
If you keep settling and selling yourself short, you'll never have much self esteem, or a healthy relationship. Self esteem enables you to be picky, even when your choices seem limited...because you know you're better off by yourself, than with someone you're not happy with.

I have a suspicion that even if you were 'normal'--this guy would still be a workaholic, hang w/the boys, negligent boyfriend.

Resist the urge to make contact..it will get easier..and you will get over him.
Give yourself some well-deserved attention for a change.

nelzun · 11-11-2003, 01:50 PM

I agree sunflwrst. Your words are so true and I've been there almost exactly as the original post so this post hit close to home.