Sweet~Rebel

I have been with the Love of my life for about 11 1/2 months, as of November 15th 2002. I met this guy and after a few months of dating he proposed to me and I said yes because I had actually felt something with him that I had never felt before. So we continued dating for almost half a year when I had came to the decision to actually lose my virginity to this guy. And so since I believed that I truely loved him, and he had proposed to me and told me that he truely loved me, I went along with it and I lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me one night. So then our relationship from there only seemed to get better and better. My Fiance' was always talking about how much he loved me and could never ever see himself making love to another girl, and how he couldn't wait to get his place this summer so we could live together, and how he can't wait until we get married and get to have children with me. Until after about a little more than half a year went by, we were still engaged, and all of a sudden my Fiance' decides to break up with me over an arguement. Then after a few hours he calls back to apologize saying that he didn't know what he was doing and he's so sorry, he really does love me so much and he doesn't know what he would do without me. So I excepted the apology and I was sposed to act like things were just like normal again. And I did... until a few weeks later after the first incident, whenever we would have a serious discussion about something, it would always be me doing the talking and trying to come up with solutions, while my Fiance' would ALWAYS withdraw practically 100% from communicating with me. And I mean literally, he would not say ANYTHING in regards to what i'd be bringing up as an issue to solve. So therefor it would only make things seem like i'm "naggin" or what the heck ever about crap, when in reality it was always just that he would never actually go through with the process of listening to me, then helping come up with a solution that is fair to both of us and then actually trying that solution. Instead he'd be quiet and say nothing and i mean nothing, meaning he wouldn't say if he thought i was wrong, or right or what he wanted to do about it or anything, so it only made things impossible for us. So anyways back to my point, he would keep breaking up with me one week to say that he is sick of us arguing all the time and that he met some other girl who is closer to his age or w.e. and is not controlling. Then in a day or two he'd call me back up, or write me a e-mail saying how sorry he is, and how stupid he was, b/c he truely loves me and doesn't know that he was thinking. And so he did that to me at LEAST 7 different times within 5 months. And I just kept letting him too... because I can't help loving him, and i just don't understand what he is trying to do then, by telling me of wanting a family with me, then saying its over, and then saying he's sorry and then doing it over and over again. I just don't understand what he wants/wanted from me in the first place then. Because now after he broke my heart so many times and apologized, I finaly tried to make sure that he wouldn't ever do it again otherwise i wasn't going to give it another shot with him. So I made him promise, and made him promise my dad, and he did, and i made him tell me so when we made love b/c to me making love means everything to me, just like he did, and he promised me he would never hurt me again b/c he truely loves me and is sorry for everything he'd done. And so he promised me, and i believed him, and i let him live in my home with me even. Until when we had an arguement about him leaving to baby-sit his brother for a day or two in his home city. The argement was about the fact that I keep on asking him to please let me know what his plans are before he sets them up because that wasy I feel like I do matter enough to actually run things by me first so that I can check and see if maybe i could give him a ride, or maybe i'd like to know first so that I could realize how much time we'll have to spend together, so I only think that it is curtious and not like I am controlling him, like he acts. He thiks that b/c I am telling him to tell me first about say having ot do something on friday with friends that if he tells me before actually making sure the plan is set up w/ other people, he thinks i'll be the on to decide if he can or not. But I only want to know before **** is set up so that I can inform other people or rearange plans and to know that at least he thinks of me even when planing things for himself. It's not like i'd ever tell him he can't do what he wants just because he decided to let me knwo what it was first just liek i always ask. And so he set up plans with is mom on thursday without telling me first so I was kinda' upset about that. But then so he tells me before he leaves that he promises me that he'd come home on Friday, the day before our first anniversary of a whole year being together and instead he decides to call the day before to tell me hes not coming back now on our ann. b/c hes spending the bus money to see a movie with his friends instead. Now talk about a real nice guy huh? So I cried and got mad at him for lying to me adn not even caring about his relationship with someone in the least. Not to mention the fact that the day he left to see his little brother and mom, he goes and e-mails this girl that he was always using in the past as the chick he had when he was breaking up with me, and he e-mails here the day we seperated to write him back b/c he misses her and really needs to talk to her about something. Then the day after e-mailing her he tells me on the phone that he's not coming home on our ann. like an *******. So as of that day we prety much were seperated without even saying it. b/c after calling me about the b.s. news he e-mailed the girl agian and was saying about geting to know each other and maybe starting a relationship soon and that was what he wanted to talk to her about the dahe left form my house. which meant he thought that he was gonna' play me basically. :'( which was sad b/c he don;t knwo that i know his password to his email address. and I saw that while he never said anythign to me about being broken up he was emailing that other chick about starting a relationship. So when he called me back the day after our ann. would have been he acted like everythign was ok, until i said about him not living with me no more, then he went into being broke up now adn he wants his stuff back. so I said w.e. come get in on wed. adn so he did try to come and get it and the same day before he came over to my place and talked to me, he goes and emails this girl that he is going out with now who he hasn't even met, he told her that he lvoes her, adn cant wait to make love to her and wrote these poems for her which were actually some of the poems that I wrote and some of the ones that he wrote for me. So on wed. he tells one girl he's going with her, and she thinks so, but then after that, he came to get his stuff at my place, adn when he did instead he starts pulling the same ****, of how sorry he is, and he's been thinking about me lately, and he really does still love, me he just needs to get his life on track for awhile adn he kisses me and everything, just like we were still together, when I knew that he was going and telling some other girl that he loved her. So I told him he aint gettin his stuff until i get the money he owes me for rent form living with me and for some other stuff. So then he just left and said i love you and it was just so much tortore to see him acting like he truely loves me. When after he left without his stuff adn telling me all of that, he goes and emails the girl again saying that he loves her and is with her and everyhting pretty much the same, her thinking he's only with her and him thinking that I think he's still with me. In reality I don't knwo what the hecks going on anymore really... because he is my true love adn I can't get over him after doing so much wth him that I did. I just really need help either, realizing what this guy is trying to do, or help getting him back, or help getting over him.... b/c I am very lost....

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