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Old 12-28-2003, 11:29 AM   #1
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wannabehotguy HB User
Why is this considered normal?

I run across people 80% of the time that poo-poo my ideas, opinions, jokes, or just about anything. I've read several communication books and worked out my issues in therapy for 2 years now and still I feel like attacking those people who poo poo what I say.

I could say something like "I had a really great teacher this semester. He really taught chemistry really well for me. I liked his sense of humor and he always came in with a smile and had patience even for the tricky questions. I'd love to have more teachers like him."

And the friend or family member will say "Well isn't having good teachers just a part of school life??" And then they will quickly change the subject to something else. This happens for every topic I bring up. When they bring a topic up I gladly listen to them and talk friendly with them. If I don't leave the conversation this type of crap will go on for hours. Everything I say will be poo-pooed with some fecious comment, sarcasm, an attacking question, silence, irate tone of voice or an attack on my decisions. And that example I gave was one of the nicer examples of how people really don't care for what I say.

The problem is that my entire family is that way and a lot of my classmates are that way. And therefore I feel angry about 80% of the time. I want some peace in my life ok. I want a decent social life, real friends that I can joke around with and talk with. My therapist thinks that I was really shy person and that caused me to be that way. I was like NO way, shy people don't go up to people with excitement to shake their hand and a smile on the face. I do that!

And if for any reason that I was shy or backing down on meeting people is because the majority of the time it was like that. Very uncomfortable for me to put up with these people poo pooing everything I say. I'd rather be by myself that put up with that crap. And if I bring up the problem they calmly insist that it is my fault. Basically turning the tables of me.

Basically I feel like a cornered dog for the love of god! How could anybody with self respect put up with that crap on daily basis?


Can anybody help me? I think I want to do group therapy. Does that work good for my issues.

 
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Old 12-28-2003, 01:11 PM   #2
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Want 2 B Well HB User
Re: Why is this considered normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabehotguy

I could say something like "I had a really great teacher this semester. He really taught chemistry really well for me. I liked his sense of humor and he always came in with a smile and had patience even for the tricky questions. I'd love to have more teachers like him."

And the friend or family member will say "Well isn't having good teachers just a part of school life??" And then they will quickly change the subject to something else.

Can anybody help me? I think I want to do group therapy. Does that work good for my issues.
What do you expect (exactly) someone to say to that?

Lets say I said to you, "I love cats. They are great animals." What response would you give to that?
I would expect someone to either agree or disagree and then move onto another subject.

Now I could say instead to someone, "What animals have you had and what was your favorite?" Make it more general in a question form.

Therapy might help. I might give it a shot.
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Last edited by Want 2 B Well; 12-28-2003 at 01:12 PM.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 03:13 PM   #3
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

What you just did was invalidate me and you lacked empathy in your response. That will get you NO WHERE! OK Mr. Perfect Pants. You obviously have never studied communication. People can express MANY other responses other than "yeah well that is how school life is what did you expect??" with rude tone of voice. They could say "Cool I am glad to hear it. Would you recommend that teacher to another student? Would take that teacher again for another class?" In a NICE tone of voice.

Communication isn't one dimensional. It is multideminsional which ALSO involves making the person we are communicating with FEEL comfortable. If I hear a rude snapping judgemental tone of voice and then the person changes the subject every chance they get then WOULD I feel comforabtle talking with them? Heck no. And you are probably so self absorbed that you dont' even know the difference. Everybody is unique and different and people want to hear different things, especially people like myself who think outside of the box.

If you are OK with somebody no caring about what you have to say then good for you because you probably don't notice and don't even KNOW the darn difference. Your insensitive suggestion has been expelled from my mind.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 03:44 PM   #4
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

I did not mean to invalidate you but I was actually asking what do you think their response should be? That is a reasonable question.
You asked for advice and I am trying to help. I am sorry that you are offended at my response.
__________________
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I am a work in progress...

 
Old 12-28-2003, 04:00 PM   #5
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Lindarella HB User
Re: Why is this considered normal?

Quote:
And if I bring up the problem they calmly insist that it is my fault. Basically turning the tables of me.
Iím not going to use the work ďfault.Ē It would appear that others believe you have unrealistic expectations. If your observation that 80% of people you talk to donít communicate in a way that you prefer, the problem may be in your expectations. Itís unlikely that 80% of the population is communicating in the wrong way.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 04:33 PM   #6
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

Wannabehotguy: I've come across people in my life who are somewhat like this. They'll talk about themselves or their experiences and I'll listen, make some comments, but when I talk about something in my own life, it seems the other person changes the subject back to something about themself. People tend to like talking about themselves or their own lives. A good way to have a conversation with someone is to start by asking them something about themself or how things in their life are going. Hopefully that person will then ask about you. As far as your example about having a good teacher and the response you got, it does sound to me like the answer, "Well isn't having good teachers just a part of school life?" is not the best response. Not everyone has great teachers all the time and there's nothing wrong with talking about a special teacher you had and really liked. I would think if someone told me about a teacher they liked, it would turn into a discussion about possibly whether or not I have also had a great teacher or maybe something else about school. I don't know. I've come across some people in my life who are very self-centered and during conversations don't seem to care too much about what I have to say. I try not to socialize with people who make me feel unimportant to them. That goes for "friends". With family members, maybe they just don't understand what they're doing by making you feel this way. Maybe what you could have said is that, "true, having good teachers may be a part of life, but didn't you have a special teacher you raved about?" and then ask the friend or family member about their personal experiences with teachers.

I'm sorry to hear that people are making you feel this way. It probably happens so much that you're expecting it. Try not to take it personally. I hope you meet some better friends who you can be yourself around and not worry about this when you're with them. Good luck!

 
Old 12-28-2003, 05:35 PM   #7
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

wow, ok then i really don't know how to respond to this. kinda sounds like my dad, its not a bad thing its just the type of person you are and how you think. There is nothing wrong with that. ILl say something and my dad will think that im getting an attitude, or i get in trouble for not saying the right response, he sees it as immaturity and lack of proper language. Not everyone poops on you or what you have to say, its how your hear it. And yes ill be harsh, you need to understand that people say things differently and act differen'tly liek you said not everyone is alike each person is unique. U can't always have what you want especially when u want something said, most people answer the question and move on to another subject, thats what happens. If you want to have a conversation keep going then u do ask it another sort of way, or go "i was wondering" or have you ever, and such, just ask a question that someone can reply to in a sentance form. Don't think there is anything wrong with you, its just how you are, but give other people credit and don't alwways put them down because they don't asnwer how you want them to, how are they supposed to know? just give people a chance, it'll work easier, sorry for being harsh, i hope this helped-chrystal

 
Old 12-28-2003, 10:37 PM   #8
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

I think you just need to find your place in the world where there are more people like you, who you can communicate with you on your level.Being around people that you can be comfortable with can be a very important contributer to ones happiness.You just need to keep searching for a place where you will fit in.You will have to put up with some BS for awhile but eventually you'll find that place.Good luck.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 10:50 PM   #9
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wannabehotguy HB User
Re: Why is this considered normal?

some of you guys have good points. I am currently working on my communication skills. Maybe my percentage was off. It could be 50% of the people I meet are like that. The point is that they are coworkers, boss, family, or a friend I started to trust and now I am starting to not trust. I do ask questions and genuinly act interested in other people. I guess I expect others to act that way towards me. I just tend to notice really well when people tend to get really loud and they change their tone of voice to an astringent sting and they start questioning my opinion or decision infront of other people or to my face ( I feel that is a direct attack and an attempt at upstaing me and trying to humilate me) How do I cope with that? Sometimes it feels like a hard slap in the face!
I am a guy who loves to laugh, joke, poke fun, and just have a great time and really a lot of the time that is my goal with my friends, family and sometimes classmates.

I learned in my communication class that if I choose to share some personal things with a friend and that friend makes a could not care less remark and quickly changes the subject then that is considered communication breakdown and rude on that persons part. My teacher called that behavior the Subtle attack. That is what I find to be very annoying.

Main idea: I just want to have a good time with people. Little if any conflict, debate, arguements, bitter sarcasm, fecicious joking, up staging, etc. I want a good time. I express that continously with people and maybe it just of their nature to be drawn to conflict and debate and to enjoy it. I am not one of those people.

The one quote I typed had to do with a certain situation I have with my Dad and sometimes with other people. In which I will say something anything and they will find a way to minimize or poo-poo what I have said. A lot of times I do not like to start conversation with my Dad because he will give me a pompous redundant speech about how great his life was. And believe me he will go on and on and on for hours. And do I believe that his life is great?? Heck no, my Dad is a loud mouth bipolar weirdo. I dont' believe him for a second.

Of course I go into deep depressions feeling like I have failed and that society is completely rejecting my putrid self because of my communication skills. I just don't get it. I want people to be interested in me for once, as I am to them!

Last edited by wannabehotguy; 12-28-2003 at 11:02 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2003, 12:57 AM   #10
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

I have noticed the same thing you're noticing, but people would say that I was too sensitive or overeacting. I also just want to have a nice conversation everyday, but people often don't they have time to really do that. They are preoccupied with their own thoughts and they are worried about what they need to get done by 7pm etc...It seems like there is always a motive behind talking anymore, not just to have a good conversation or to share ideas or laugh together. I notice that this is a cultural/social difference and that this does not happen in other countries AS MUCH as it happens in America. I think that part of the reason it does tend to be this way in America is the fact that there is so much day to day stress and people don't have time for others, but I think many people are not neccessarily happy with this. I think a lot of people feel alone for this reason, and all of this may explain their tendency to talk but not listen or give thoughtful feedback. These are just my obsevations and I may be wrong, but I'm not trying to put Americans down.

 
Old 12-29-2003, 11:15 AM   #11
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Re: Why is this considered normal?

Leanea sounds like your perception may be correct. I never thought of that way and I think a lot of it is true.

The thing is that have been ill with who knows what over the last 5 months. I've been losing weight, lacking appetite, having stomach bloating, and sometimes pain that is often chronic. I was able to get out of bed every morning and go to college classes and pass all my classes and I still made time to try to talk with people and not project any hatred or prejudice onto them. I see a person and I say this is a person of God and he or she is of value (doesn't matter what they look like) and I want to talk and listen with this person and have a good time. I managed to still do that (on my part) even when I am sick and preoccupied with very difficult college courses.

My Dad and therapist always make the excuse that the other people are just self absorbed and they have their own problems and I have to not take it personally. Well there is a difference between somebody not having the time and excusing themsevles and people being rude and indifferent. I understand other people loud and clear and if they express that they are really busy or stressed out then that makes it easier for me to understand. If the person I am talking to acts perfect, snobby, and rude then I feel really put down. I like to be validated on that because NOBODY Can honestly say that they like to be treated in a snobby and rude way after they just made the effort to listen or talk such as I.

 
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