shockedandawed

Hello All,

Thought I would just update a little since my last saga during the fall.I really appreciated all the responses.

I'll briefly recap for the newbies. I am a 39 year old male who has been with his wife 20 years this month, 18+ of them married. We have two children, 11 & 13 and have maintained a pretty normal relationship. Her high school boyfriend tracked her down through Classmates in August. They began e-mailing extensively which led to a day at a local hotel in October. They have seen each other only once more since, a couple of hours at a mall halfway between our cities on Thanksgiving weekend. However, the daily calls and e-mails continue.

In November, she had filed for a legal separation. After a worhtless hearing, we agreed that additional legal expenses to "spin our wheels" was foolish. If the end result was going to be divorce, then lets work it out ourselves. An agreement was worked out that night on basic custody, 50/50, the house etc..She then refinanced her auto and I did the mortgage. She even signed the quit claim deed without any money yet. We had also agreed to hold off through the holidays for the children. December was obvioulsy stressfull and tense at times. We had a few fights but we continued to stay in the same bed and were even intimate one night. Christmas, for the first time, we had planned for her parents to come down and stay with us. They did, in addition, she invited my family over as well and we had a wonderful holiday. She really knocked herself out. Not the type of behavior you would expect of someone who is planning on dumping her 20 year relationship for an old boyfriend.

Well the holidays are over and she has intensified her search for a duplex or townhouse. When asked about all the holiday festivities, she simply says she was faking it. We have had horrible fights lately with a ton of emotion on both parts.

My questions are as follows. She has shown no willingness to try to save the marriage, however, her actions of still being in the same bed and sluggish commitment on new place indicate there may be some reluctance. I have waited to file anything on what we agreed until she has at least signed a lease. Maybe its part hope of a reconcilliation along with not wanting to push her out too fast. However, I do have the advantage on what we agreed to. I am afraid if I wait she may change her mind. We have also not told our children although I am sure at least the oldest has a pretty good idea. Should I wait for her to sign a lease or go ahead and file. I really feel once I file or we tell the children then it is deffinitely over. It probably is anyhow.

Also, as far as the children, how much do you tell? I don't want to pit them against her but I do feel they should know who is driving this and somewhat why. Not the gory details. Or am I better off playing the its in both of our best interest game?