Does he REALLY care? - Relationship Health Message Board

IsabellaC22 · 01-08-2004, 08:55 AM

Last night me and my boyfriend were hanging out...just laying around not really doing anything....and his friend calls and tells him that a bunch of people are hanging out there. I could tell from the time he got off the phone with him that he wanted to go but I didn't want him to go because I was having fun hanging out with him even if he weren't doing anything. Well he uses the excuse that if we aren't going to do anything but lay around he wants to go hang out there. He is a very sociable person. Well I had to take him over there because he's car is in the shop while on the way over there I was upset that he was just kinda ditching me to go out with his friends but he kept saying your going to have to go home later (because I have to get up for work) and plus we weren't doing anything. It really upset me and I was crying and you could tell by the way he was acting that he didn't care I was crying he thought I was crying over something dumb. So he gets outta the car at his friends house while I am crying my eyes out and says "think about the big picture." He thinks I was being selfish. So the whole night I thought about it and I just don't think I could have EVER just left him alone while he was upset. He calls me this morning and still doesn't see that he done anything wrong? Has he?? Am I just overreacting??
It just hurt me soo bad that he would leave me alone while I was that upset??

Want 2 B Well · 01-08-2004, 10:47 AM

Sorry but I have to side with your boyfriend. I understand that you wanted to hang out with him and were hurt by that. But getting THAT worked up about it was a little overreactive.

mouse62 · 01-08-2004, 10:54 AM

I'm not going to side with you or your boyfriend, but I want to point out that years ago I was in a similar experience, with a man I'd been dating for a few months . . . it was around a group of friends, and I don't even know what I was crying about, but he quickly exited with his male friends! Then I was more upset and felt abandoned. The next time I spoke with him he said that he saw that I was upset and so assumed that I didn't want to be bothered by him or anyone else. There is even a generalization about men vs. women (& I usually hate those things but in this case it did apply) that when men are upset they want to be alone to work it out. When women are upset they expect someone to be there for them. I see now that he actually thought he was being respectful of me by quickly exiting when he saw I was upset. Now we have been married for almost 9 years!

JessieD · 01-08-2004, 11:21 AM

I think he was being insensitive. I would feel abandoned if my guy thought that hanging out with me was "doing nothing." I think you got more upset than the situation warranted, but since you WERE that upset, he should have stayed with you until you calmed down. On the other hand, relationships do better when one or the other person doesn't feel trapped (in an evening or something else), so kudos to him for doing what he needed to do. Good luck.

Leanea · 01-08-2004, 12:38 PM

No. He doesn't REALLY care. Not about you crying anyway. He cares about having fun, being social, and all of that stuff. He wants you to see "the big picture", meaning his picture. You should be happy for him, not crying, for the sake of the big picture of course, not because you're ruining his fun or anything lol! Does he see the big picture when he wants to have fun even if he hurt's your feelings? No, he see's his picture, not to be confused with the big picture! Anyway, the next time he comes to you to listen to his problems just tell him that he needs to lighten up and see the big picture lol! And by the way I think you REALLY saw the whole picture when you were crying. I don't know why, but I get that feeling. Take care!

PS. Don't let anyone rationalize you're feelings. They are what they are.