I am looking for some immediate advice to a huge problem in my life. I have been married to the same man for the last 13+ years. He is a wonderful husband and father to our children. One of the problems seems to lie in the "intimacy" department. I truly love him but am not sexually turned on by him anymore. I don't know if this normally wears off after being married to the same person over a certain length of time. It seemed like the "spark" was there early on in the marriage. Then after children, sex was not as big a part of our marriage to me.
A little over a year ago, an old boyfriend from high school (he is also married)(and my first true love) and I reconnected over the internet. It was great at first, basically catching up on the last 20 years of our lives. During this time period, my husband and I hit a rough patch and separated. My ex was great and listened to me at a time that I really needed a shoulder to cry on. My husband and I decided to get counselling and try to put the pieces of our marriage back together. I informed my ex that I would no longer be able to communicate with him, since I needed to focus my time and energy on my marriage. He was very understanding and hoped that everything would work out for me.
Flash forward to a month ago. I emailed (probably mistakenly) my ex to let him know that my husband and I had worked things out and he had moved back home and that I was doing well. What happened next totally surprised me. He sounded extremely depressed and said that it had felt like I "dumped him" when I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me anymore. He was even out of work for a period of time. He continued to say that he had spent the last 20 years thinking about me and still does all the time, and constantly asks himself "What If"? He said if he hadn't made bad choices he would have married me and had children (this man has claimed he never ever wanted to have children, even with his wife) and said he believes that there is only one woman for every man, and that woman was me. Keep in mind he has never, ever said anything about us being together in a sexual manner. To say the least, I was totally blown away. This is a man I will always love and he knows that. We still have the same chemistry today that we had 20 years ago. We continue to email each other and talk but he knows that I'm in a committed relationship.
My questions: Should I continue to keep in touch with him, knowing the way he feels for me and the way I feel for him; is it wrong for me not to feel the energy/passion I use to feel towards my husband? Is it possible to love two men at once? I am so CONFUSED! Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you.
I am looking for some immediate advice to a huge problem in my life. I have been married to the same man for the last 13+ years. He is a wonderful husband and father to our children. One of the problems seems to lie in the "intimacy" department. I truly love him but am not sexually turned on by him anymore. I don't know if this normally wears off after being married to the same person over a certain length of time. It seemed like the "spark" was there early on in the marriage. Then after children, sex was not as big a part of our marriage to me.
A little over a year ago, an old boyfriend from high school (he is also married)(and my first true love) and I reconnected over the internet. It was great at first, basically catching up on the last 20 years of our lives. During this time period, my husband and I hit a rough patch and separated. My ex was great and listened to me at a time that I really needed a shoulder to cry on. My husband and I decided to get counselling and try to put the pieces of our marriage back together. I informed my ex that I would no longer be able to communicate with him, since I needed to focus my time and energy on my marriage. He was very understanding and hoped that everything would work out for me.
Flash forward to a month ago. I emailed (probably mistakenly) my ex to let him know that my husband and I had worked things out and he had moved back home and that I was doing well. What happened next totally surprised me. He sounded extremely depressed and said that it had felt like I "dumped him" when I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me anymore. He was even out of work for a period of time. He continued to say that he had spent the last 20 years thinking about me and still does all the time, and constantly asks himself "What If"? He said if he hadn't made bad choices he would have married me and had children (this man has claimed he never ever wanted to have children, even with his wife) and said he believes that there is only one woman for every man, and that woman was me. Keep in mind he has never, ever said anything about us being together in a sexual manner. To say the least, I was totally blown away. This is a man I will always love and he knows that. We still have the same chemistry today that we had 20 years ago. We continue to email each other and talk but he knows that I'm in a committed relationship.
My questions: Should I continue to keep in touch with him, knowing the way he feels for me and the way I feel for him; is it wrong for me not to feel the energy/passion I use to feel towards my husband? Is it possible to love two men at once? I am so CONFUSED! Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you.
My knee-jerk response is that you had a chance to decide whether or not to pursue something with him when you and your husband were on the rocks. Now you have had two.
You say you are in a committed relationship, but I don't know how "committed" you are when you are still corresponding with your ex. You have apparently made a lot of effort to save your marriage, so why would you want to jeopardize that?
I don't know the background of you and this man (the ex) but I do know that we often harbor "what-if's" about past relationships. Especially when the one that we are currently in is "if-fy" itself. I also know that if you want your marriage to work, you cannot continue to have such correspondence with your ex.
What you love in your ex is the memoies of 20 years ago...He may or may not feel the same way about you...BUT 20 years is a long time, alot has happened to you and him...DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW?
Your falling back in love with a guy your talking to over the internet...Gzzz
where is HIS wife while he is doing this? Instead of focussing on your marriage...your playing the field over the internet with your long lost love
and your ex is giving you that drama you are missing from your own marriage.
I don't believe you accidently emailed your ex....If you worked it out with your husband and you are going to stay in the marriage then you don't owe your ex anything but a goodbye...good hearing from.......
Is it possible to love two men??? Yeah, I do my boyfriend and my son..I don't give out my love to just anyone............Why would you want to keep in touch with him? Did you forget your husband? How would you feel if he posted your thread and was emailing his ex girlfriend/love of his life/instead of working on the marriage?
I think all marriages get dull after a long time. It's certainly difficult to know how to keep things spiced up. I don't say that the love necessarily goes but I do know where you are coming from.
Basically there are two elements to this. You are bored and this guy is showing you the attention you are lacking. Secondly, he's bringing back to you a part of your youth. Makes you feel young, vibrant, giggly again. He remembers YOU, the real you. Not the mother, not the wife, because she didn't exist then, but the real person. However, that was you THEN and she doesn't exist either anymore. Because you are older and all the experiences you have had since then have changed you. So all you really have in common is your past.
I don't know what happens to a woman between the ages of around 32-37 but something definitely seems to snap in her brain. For some reason (happened to me and everyone I knew) women start to really re-evaluate their lives, particularly the attention/love in their relationship.
You have two choices. Tell your husband how you are feeling and try to put some spark back into the relationship and try and get back what you once had. You obviously did have it once otherwise you wouldn't have married him.
The other choice is to do what I have advised above and set a realistic time frame in your mind that if he isn't able to respond to your needs then you will probably have to leave.
Everyone deserves to FEEL loved. But don't be fooled into thinking it is this man. He is someone else's husband right now and you don't know each other anymore. If you spend time with him I guarantee you won't feel the same as you did whilst corresponding online.
Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 03-19-2004 at 03:40 AM.
I think all marriages get dull after a long time. It's certainly difficult to know how to keep things spiced up. I don't say that the love necessarily goes but I do know where you are coming from.
Basically there are two elements to this. You are bored and this guy is showing you the attention you are lacking. Secondly, he's bringing back to you a part of your youth. Makes you feel young, vibrant, giggly again. He remembers YOU, the real you. Not the mother, not the wife, because she didn't exist then, but the real person. However, that was you THEN and she doesn't exist either anymore. Because you are older and all the experiences you have had since then have changed you. So all you really have in common is your past.
I don't know what happens to a woman between the ages of around 32-37 but something definitely seems to snap in her brain. For some reason (happened to me and everyone I knew) women start to really re-evaluate their lives, particularly the attention/love in their relationship.
You have two choices. Tell your husband how you are feeling and try to put some spark back into the relationship and try and get back what you once had. You obviously did have it once otherwise you wouldn't have married him.
The other choice is to do what I have advised above and set a realistic time frame in your mind that if he isn't able to respond to your needs then you will probably have to leave.
Everyone deserves to FEEL loved. But don't be fooled into thinking it is this man. He is someone else's husband right now and you don't know each other anymore. If you spend time with him I guarantee you won't feel the same as you did whilst corresponding online.
I just don't get it...If a marriage becomes dull after some many years..or they feel unloved why????? Do woman and man look to another person to fullfill that lost love feeling towards someone else? Can't they find it within themselves? I'm not trying to be VAIN if that is the proper word to use.
I can understand if there is abuse or neglect in a marriage or relationship but damn...These man and woman who feel their life is DULL look to another person??? They can't find a hobby, volunteer their time, get a pet, go shopping, hang with their children or family and friends? Do they lose themselves so much that they think having an affair is the answer?
I just hear these people not only on the boards but in everyday life. I have a friend who just can't seem to stop herself from having one affair after another. She has no other life but to cheat 1st on her husband..who she is now divorced from and now she cheats on her boyfriend...It makes me sick!
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