Hey all... I've basically been crying all night because me and my boyfriend decided to break up last night. He basically said he could not imagine ever loving my children the way that he needed to for us to 'be together'. I knew what his feelings were and actually, was ready to talk to him and for us to make that decision but It has hit me so hard that I just don't know what to do.
I'm in shock that this is someone I've been with for over a year now, who has accepted the fact that I'm not drinking anymore as well as my weight gain and now it's just over... it's as simple as that. It's just over.
My heart is breaking terribly... I mean, to the point of extreme. It hurts so badly... I'm supposed to be having my 6 year old's b'day party today at my house with just family and a friend and I just don't think I can get through it without breakup out into tears. I cannot let my children see my cry.
I can't believe it actually happened. I realize that if he doesn't care for my children, then I know in my mind that it's the best thing because I could never put my kids in that type of a situation but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. This is just killing me.
How in the world am I supposed to find someone now that I'm an addict? I just cannot imagine me going on a first date and saying 'oh, by the way, I take a maintenance drug for opiate abuse which does not allow me to drink with it so I won't be having a glass of wine, but thanks'. Guys - this is killing me and i don't know what to do. I'm very, very scared.
And what am I going to tell my kids? I know they weren't in love with him but they were certainly used to him coming around. I'm just in complete shock.
Banker. Gosh I have not read the boards for about a week and yours was the first I saw. I am so so sorry! I know your hurting right now, but you are a STRONG woman and you too can beat this. Look back at all that you have been through and have come out ok. My goodness addiction alone is a killer. If he couldnt accept your kids then hes not worth hanging on to anyway! Dont let the fact that your an addict scare you from future relationships, remember you are in recovery, and that does account for something. You should be so very proud of yourself. It may take some time, but I really believe things happen for a reason. Try to be strong today for the party, and take it on day at a time. Maybe go to some meetings and keep very busy, that always helps. Again I am so sorry you have to be going through something like this.
My heart just lurched when I read your message, I feel soooo sad. How do get through this sort of thing?
When I suggest, right now--to first deal with the awful shock....and then just let yourself grieve for awhile...it sounds as if I'm describing how to deal with a death. But...losing someone you love, when a relationship ends, IS a sort of death. And it involves such similar emotions. No matter how prepared you've been to face this problem with your boyfriend and the children...there's a difference between knowing it has to be resolved....and seeing it suddenly, with no warning, be resolved for you. This has caught you so unawares. You will feel real shock for awhile.....then anxiety, pain and grief. And, from my own experience with a failed relationship, I learned to let myself just feel those things until they stopped raging. Not to try to stop them...not to try to convince myself, during that initiial period, of ANYTHING--that I'm strong, that I'm right, that I'm better than him, etc, etc. I just had to give myself a chance to FEEL--not think.
And, when the time comes...when you feel quieter within yourself, then THAT is the time to analyze what happened....and to think of the future. All these thoughts of "who would want an addict, etc, etc." are just coming at you right now in such an unstoppable, panicky way....at this point, your mind just cannot deal with these thoughts calmly. Everything is bound to seem just impossible for you right down. As you feel better...you will be able to assess the future more clearly...and realize that there ARE good men who will love your enough to listen to and accept your story. And...men who will love your children.
But at this moment, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is just let these feelings rage through you....all the rage, the fear, the anger, etc, etc. These feeling will definitely pass, though I know it doesn't seem possible at the moment. But, by acknowledging that they exist...your mind can heal more quickly. You'll feel awful for awhile...but then the strong things about you will take over and help you see things more clearly and more optimistically. This is the time to rely on your best friends to just listen to you when you need to talk.
This man was not right for your children....and I don't see how that could have changed. At least he has the honestly to admit it....because you may have spend a lot more time just "hanging on" if he hadn't. Breaking up a close relationship is so hard to do. I found it near impossible to take the initial steps.
As far as what you should tell your children...I don't have an exact answer to that, other than to suggest that both you and your boyfriend, ensure that they know how much you both love them....and that nothing they said or did caused your breakup. They will see it in terms of themselves...and will want to feel secure emotionally..to know that they are still just as loved...and not to blame.
I don't know HOW you can survive this 6 year old party today!!! What timing!! Can you rely on your friends to keep things rolling along, while you hide in your room and deal with your own feelings??
I am SO sorry you are having to go through this. There are just no comforting words for me to say that don't sound like chiches. All I do know is that you WILL come out the other side...and you WILL heal in time. And there are others out there who will love you, addictions and all! And right now is the time for you to gather up those you feel the closest to, so that you can feel all the emotional support and help they have to offer you.
I'll be thinking of you. Don't hesitate to write.....love, Lynn xxx
From all your posts I can tell that you are a very strong woman!!!! They always say that the right man/woman is out there for everybody. You are very smart and know that this is what is best for your children. The next one might love them unconditionally.
Get all your crying out for the day, wash your face and put makeup on. Grin and bear it at the party and when it's done you can continue to grieve.
You say that nobody will like you because your an addict. You do not have to disclose this on your first date or even the second one. Tell when YOU are ready to tell. Just say you don't drink and that you get sick from it.
I hope you day gets better. I know from experience as you probably do that things get better with time. {{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you Lynn.... but you know my instinct is to do ALL of the things you said NOT to do... such as to think well, there were times when he would 'direct' my children and I would disagree with what he would say. One example is I was sick recently and he had to take care of the kids... They were trying to come in my room and talk to me and he wouldn't let them. There were so many times when he would say things to them or ABOUT them regarding their behavior, etc. that I would dislike. It would make me so uncomfortable and angry.
I actually told my oldest this morning and he was sad at first (I think because he wants me to find someone to marry) but now he's just being wonderful. I told my 6 year old and he was actually happy. I just told them that he and I could not see each other being together forever. I also told them that I did not agree with how he treated them sometimes. My 6 year old started bringing up examples of how he was 'ulgy' to them. I mean, he was never abusing or ANYTHING of the sort. It's just as a mother, you don't want anyone 'fussing' at your children, especially when they don't/didn't deserve it.
Anyway, I'm sure I screwed up by telling them but I just had to. It's almost as if I needed them for support and let me tell you, it worked. They are being so sweet to me and I actually feel closer to them right now. I guess that's a 'it's us against the world' type of feeling. It's very odd... but it's almost as if I have gone from deeply depressed to almost a relief... at least, right now.
I know my feelings are going to be like a roller coaster, especially this next weekend when I don't have the kids and I'm ALL by myself. I used to just pray for alone time because he required ALL of my time when I didn't have the kids and I was starting to resent that as well. I just needed ME time because I was either at work, with the kids or with him. Anyway, I guess I'll have all of the ME time I can ask for, now.
The last time I was single, I used to just go out with friends to bars and drink and play pool and I had the time of my life. Now, I can imagine going out to bars and NOT drinking but it's going to be so different. I mean really different. I've actually thought about coming off of the Sub so I can start to go out again (on the weekends that I don't have the kids) and drink with friends. Not to mention I KNOW that if I came off of Sub, this weight would DROP off of me. Isn't that rediculous??? I hope I can stay strong.
Anyway, again, my instinct is to 'just forget him' and realize that my life is devoted to providing the best lives for my children and he absolutely did not 'fit' into our future. I do realize that... I can be very good at denial and just 'moving on' without dealing with it. Honestly - I pray that I can do that again. I've just had so much rejection which I should say NO SECURITY in my life... I mean honestly - my first marriage there was never any security in it. I was the one who provided my ex husband w/security. My second one doesn't even count since we were only together just a few months total (2 weeks actually married, which I know... it's a long story) but anyway, I have never had security in my life and I crave that desperately.
On the other hand, I don't want to 'need' someone either. I know I have friends and relatives but I just want to only have to depend on ME because basically everyone that I have ever loved has let me down and rejected me. Gosh, I need my counselor really bad right now!!!
If you know anything about me (I'm sure ANY mother) is that I'm not going to let anyone be ugly or mean to my kids. And there were times when he was 'borderline' ugly to them. Anyway, like you said, my emotions are all over the place but I really do think there is a hint of relief that it's over. I never told him I was an addict... I knew I would have to if we stayed together.
Well, I'm going to run and take a shower and put some makeup on, maybe that will make me feel better. I tell you, I know exactly what's going to happen - because of this, I KNOW I'm going to starve myself so this weight will drop... I know myself and I know It will happen. That's good though... at least I might gain a little self confidence. I mean, I'm a VP at a bank that makes pretty good money, and I'm pretty. I mean, I have a lot of guys that take second looks. I should not have a problem finding someone else... But the question is, WHY do I need someone else? Why can't I be happy on my own? I was at one time... I really was.
I did not even want to get serious with anyone and I told my EX boyfriend that. I told him I didn't want to get married again but I just fell so hard for him so fast. I'm an idiot. I even waited several months before I allowed him to meet the kids because I didn't want them to get hurt. I wanted to be sure about him before I allowed that. I'm afraid my 8 year old might be a little hurt. I don't know.
I'm sorry for going on and on about this. This is just going to be really, really hard for me. I rely on you guys more than you know... I'm serious. I look forward to checking the board and reading about ya'll. Please be there for me during this. I just don't know how much more rejection I can take. It's happened my whole life and it just continues. I'm sorry for writing such a long post and thank you to whoever is reading this. This will be one of the hardest tests for my sanity and sobriety (of which, I don't really have but you know what I mean)... K, thanks again.
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