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Old 03-26-2004, 05:30 PM   #1
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Kattie43 HB User
What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Hi guys! I'm new here obviously.


Got a problem......I've been married 20 years and in the past couple of years the "sparks" are SO gone for my husband. We've haven't been intimate for a REAL long time.

But we have kids in high school and college and a lot tied up in retirement plans, 15 years from now.

We live comfortably, taking a big trip once a year, etc.

But we're so-o-o-o not happy living this lie but yet we don't ever confront any of our down deep issues.

What to do???

 
Old 03-26-2004, 09:04 PM   #2
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Katyana HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

I can't stress the word "Communication" enough.

Sit down and talk to each other. Find out what's inside each of your heads and hearts. Then go from there. Decide between the two of you if you want to salvage your marriage (remember there was something about each other that you guys liked enough to marry each other). Get marriage counselling if needed. Romance each other again. And if neither of you want that, then go your separate ways.

I've never understood why people stagnate in a relationship when they aren't happy. Either work on the problem, and if after having given it your all, and it's still not working, then leave and move onto something better.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Kattie43
Hi guys! I'm new here obviously.


Got a problem......I've been married 20 years and in the past couple of years the "sparks" are SO gone for my husband. We've haven't been intimate for a REAL long time.

But we have kids in high school and college and a lot tied up in retirement plans, 15 years from now.

We live comfortably, taking a big trip once a year, etc.

But we're so-o-o-o not happy living this lie but yet we don't ever confront any of our down deep issues.

What to do???

 
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Old 03-27-2004, 10:46 AM   #3
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kattie43
Hi guys! I'm new here obviously.


Got a problem......I've been married 20 years and in the past couple of years the "sparks" are SO gone for my husband. We've haven't been intimate for a REAL long time.

But we have kids in high school and college and a lot tied up in retirement plans, 15 years from now.

We live comfortably, taking a big trip once a year, etc.

But we're so-o-o-o not happy living this lie but yet we don't ever confront any of our down deep issues.

What to do???
Well, what is it that you want to do? Do you want to continue the lie?
You do have alot of years vested, your still young so you could divorce and start living a new life...As for your retirement plan that can be split when you go to court...

Your post Headline is: "What do you do when you don't love your husband"

Well, I divorced mine when I didn't love him..and I had a 1 yr old baby, broke, no place to live...I struggled for 5 years to get back on my feet and I'm doing very well now 14 yrs later...But I only vested 5 years in my marriage...

Life is too short to stay in something you are not happy with. If you are happy with your husband and it's just stale...There are ways to fix that..
If you soooo unhappy, you don't love him, when he walks in the door after work and you dread to see him and run to another room...That would look like a time for a divorce...

But, you have to decide what to do, you live in your house not us on this board, you know how much you can handle, you and only you can really determine how long you want to live in your lie?

 
Old 03-27-2004, 11:31 AM   #4
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promisez HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kattie43
But we have kids in high school and college and a lot tied up in retirement plans, 15 years from now.

We live comfortably, taking a big trip once a year, etc.

But we're so-o-o-o not happy living this lie but yet we don't ever confront any of our down deep issues.

What to do???
Big trip once a year. I have a few suggestions. A few smaller trips, just the two of you. Someone to watch the kids, dinner, hotel with a hot tub, trade massages....etc. Just the 2 of you.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 06:45 AM   #5
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granny HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Hmmmm. I am there too. Hubby and I just "aren't" there anymore. He pouts when he doesn't get his way, and I hate that. I cannot stres the dating before marriage enough! HUbby was a very strong-willed man and pushed his way right in there! ACtually, I don't even think we are legally ,married due to the fact that he is a licensed preacher and has done weddings before. (Just wish he acted the way with us like he does for everyone else!)
He pouts, whines, calls us lazy (even though HE takes a 3 hour nap every day and is in bed by 8p faithfully! and I work full time AND got to college full time...), is cheating the government by receiveing disability and working on the side (but says THAT's not cheating....)
*SIGH*
It's a big fat mess......A hard, big fat mess......
I am also working on a way out. He complains that the kids are in too many activities because he has to take them to a couple practices a week. (Ballett and softball)*WHATEVER*
Good Luck to both of us!

 
Old 03-30-2004, 08:39 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

As looking at this post and seeing other post it has come to my assumption for some reason sparks lose after many years of a relationship. Why is this???

Is that couples just get board of each other?

Why can't you or others out there in the same role just find some ways to spark up the relationship. Why not plan a trip away, start doing new things such as taking walks around your neighborhood, cuddling, marriage counselor.


I never been married so I don't have any knowledge to why this may be but in my view there are many ways to get the sparks going again. If they have the energy to make it work then the sparks can fly again...Am I right or wrong?

 
Old 03-30-2004, 09:37 AM   #7
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zeft HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

I cannot speak from personal experience but I have seen my sister go through this exact same thing and I was very involved with the situation.

Let me share this with you. After 5 years of divorce, the overwhelming majority of those who have divorced with children say that they were better off when they were married. Initially they are happier but once things settle down they are not.

You did not indicate that there were any major problems in your marriage but that the spark is gone. Well, just know that it is no picnic out there either.

Now a days everyone is only looking for an upside, this is because we feel little need and that is exactly why the divorce rate is over 50% and climbing. Think about how it was 100 years ago. The choices were not sparks in marriage or new romance after divorce. The choices were stay married or die. Practically speaking it was not possible for either party but especially for women to live without being married. Even for the men it was not that easy; it would take hours to make food. You could not just go through a drive through.

People had the same exact problems in their marriage that they do now but they were forced to work it out somehow. And it was very very difficult. But in fact it was during that process that a new deeper relationship would be created. I look at my parents and their love is so deep and in so many layers that it makes romance glorified in the movies look like a joke. And God knows they had their problems.

Of course I am not suggesting that we live in the past; life now does give us more options and that is reality. But I think it is natural to think that the grass is greener on the other side. Initially it may be the case but over time realities of life will certainly force their way in.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 10:12 AM   #8
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Zeft, I think your post has become one of my favorite posts on this board of all times!! Right on!!!!!

 
Old 03-30-2004, 11:06 AM   #9
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JLKH HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Is it just the "spark" that's gone? Are you two still friends? Do you get along and have a good relationship otherwise?

If it is just the spark then that can be rekindled. Take a trip just the 2 of you as others have said. Maybe get some counseling or start doing Marriage Encounters. There are so many ways to get back into being "in love".

If there are other issues then I would even more strongly recommend counseling. 20 years is to long in my opinion to just say "see ya" without at least trying to work things out.

Marriage is about for better or worse, not about sparks and sex (just my opinion of course) so I highly encourage trying to work things out. Talk to your husband tell him how you feel. And be honest with yourself about it. Do some soul searching and see what you are wanting out of life now.

But of course, never ever stay in a bad relationship just because you have kids and retirement money and all that. DO DO DO try and work it out and don't be in a rush to dumb the marriage but also don't force something that isn't there. The trick is to know when it's time to fight for your marriage and time to let it go. I don't know you personally but judging just from your post I'd say it's time to fight for your marriage.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 03:36 PM   #10
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cowgal HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Kattie, chances are that your husband may be feeling the same exact way that you do. And then again, he may be so absorbed in his career right now that he hasn't noticed. And then further, he may be having his mid-life crisis and giving his attention to himself rather than to those around him. We've been married 25 years and even though I still love my husband, I am not IN love with him. I care about what happens to him and still try to be a good wife but he goes and does his thing and I go and do mine. I don't give him grief and for the most part he reciprocates. He's a very picky eater and I try to cook to suit him. I'm terrible in the mornings so he leaves me alone for a couple of hours. He rides motorcycles, I don't. I love to watch movies, he doesn't. He has his friends, I have mine, and then we have mutual friends. It's tough to keep the sparks alive after so many years. Transitioning from the lust of newlyweds to the spend time together after the kids are taken care of first and then into kids are almost grown and you both are getting older can be very tough.

Don't really have any advice to give but I do understand. A lot of us are in the same type situation and just living our lives the best we can. There's so much water under the bridge after 20+ years of marriage that I think we reach another transition period. Good luck. cg

 
Old 03-30-2004, 06:57 PM   #11
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Sauceboy01 HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Do Not Consider Divorce!!! Communication is Key!!

 
Old 03-30-2004, 11:38 PM   #12
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zeft HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Thank you Newlywedgurl.
Zeft

 
Old 03-31-2004, 02:28 AM   #13
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Wow a lot of unhappily married women out there....are you taking note men??? It seems to me that quite often it's a big ole disappointment to us emotional, romantically inclined females. Because there are so many similar posts to this, I'm going to repeat a reply I put to another one recently because I still stand by this.

I seriously cannot believe that in this day and age of accepted promiscurity, illegitimate children, gay relationships and so forth that we are still encouraging women to stay with useless, lazy, often irresponsible and abusive men simply because of a bit of paper called a Marriage Licence. If two such mismatched people were in a dating relationship and one was immensely unhappy, the first piece of advice we would give is RUN. Yet when someone says they are married, continually, despite all odds being against them we continue to encourage them to make it work. WHY????

I've been married and I agree it's a whole different ball game to dating or being engaged and it should continue to be viewed as that. But bear in mind that people grow up over the years, additions come into the family and at the same time others leave. Life has bumps along the road, traumas, pleasant little surprises; so it's little wonder that often you will find that you both end up totally different people to the one you originally married. It's not always the case that you end up growing together, more than often, you end up growing apart. It's how both parties handle that event which is the fundamental point.


Moral of the story? Don't put up with bs. You know your partner INSIDE OUT after 20 years and if he's making you unhappy, find someone who will make you happy. After all you don't want to waste another 20.

For all those who say...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Make it work....I say she's done 20 years....She's TRIED to make it work. Woman, if it aint happening, move on sista.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 06:29 AM   #14
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cowgal HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

MSG, I really do find your opinion refreshing but believe me in some instances it's just ain't all that easy. We've got a multi-million $ business that has to be sold, neither of us has the resources on our own to buy the other out, neither of us wants to walk away from the business, and the bank that has us financed has strongly suggested that there be no divorce, i.e. you divorce, you find alternate financing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of starting over and from scratch but why should I have to? And the same goes for him, why should he have to. The longer a couple stays together sometimes the harder it is to extricate one or the other financially. cg

 
Old 03-31-2004, 06:40 AM   #15
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: What do you do when you don't love your husband anymore?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cowgal
MSG, I really do find your opinion refreshing but believe me in some instances it's just ain't all that easy. We've got a multi-million $ business that has to be sold, neither of us has the resources on our own to buy the other out, neither of us wants to walk away from the business, and the bank that has us financed has strongly suggested that there be no divorce, i.e. you divorce, you find alternate financing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of starting over and from scratch but why should I have to? And the same goes for him, why should he have to. The longer a couple stays together sometimes the harder it is to extricate one or the other financially. cg
Only you know best what is appropriate for your ccurcumstance. In all truth, no one on this board has a clue as to what is right for you. We offer opinions that only have as much worth as you see application to your own very complex situation.

While divorce may be the answer for some, keep in mind a few stats:

In the UK, the divorce rate for first marriages is about 37 percent. The divorce rate for second marriages is about 63 percent. The divorce rate for third marriages is about 78 percent. - Your odds of succeeding are far greater if you stick it out with the one you got. The odds for US marriages are very similar. So, if you think you may want to remary, keep in mind the going, statisiticlly, gets harder, not easier.

A couple of interesting and amusing quotes:

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.-- Cervantes

So many people think divorce a panacea for every ill, who find out, when they try it, the remedy is worse than the disease.
Dorothy Dix (1870-1951)"Dorothy Dix, Her Book," 1926.

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.~Zsa Zsa Gabor


In the end, you will do what you think is best for yourself. Whether it actuallty turns out to be best is another thing.

 
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