It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-05-2004, 08:04 AM   #1
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: kansas
Posts: 31
confused4005 HB User
Not sure how to tell him its over

Can someone please help me. I know in my heart that it is over but I can not get it out of my mouth to tell him. I know it is because I don't want to hurt him. I can think through it logically and know that I would be better without him but I can't bring myself to tell him. I feel like a abused woman who refuses to leave her man. And no I am not abused. Some times I wonder if I am not mentaly abused. Do any of you have any suggestions for me on how to handle this. I would apreciate any responses. Thanks

 
Old 04-05-2004, 08:06 AM   #2
Inactive
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 838
newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused4005
Can someone please help me. I know in my heart that it is over but I can not get it out of my mouth to tell him. I know it is because I don't want to hurt him. I can think through it logically and know that I would be better without him but I can't bring myself to tell him. I feel like a abused woman who refuses to leave her man. And no I am not abused. Some times I wonder if I am not mentaly abused. Do any of you have any suggestions for me on how to handle this. I would apreciate any responses. Thanks
You're just going to have to tell him. Be gentle. But that's really all you can do......

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-05-2004, 08:16 AM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused4005
Some times I wonder if I am not mentaly abused.
Don't go there. Make a decision and follow up on it. The process is no more complicated than that. It may be tough emotionally to do, but don't make it more complex by dragging in victimization. Just do it. Feel bad...then move on.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 08:25 AM   #4
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Life is based on making hard decisions. Sometimes it hurts others around us on our decisions but if you not happy then you'll have to do somthing about it. I am sure its hard and he may not take it lightly but he has to know so you don't lead him on.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 08:27 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

It's going to hurt either way, so do you want to continue feeling the way you are? Or do you want to move on with your life and end this relationship you no longer feel you want to be in?

Call him or see him and let him know you care about him but you have decided you want to be single again, don't want to be in a commited relationship, you have chosen a different life's path and he is not in it, you have been giving this alot of thought and you want out of the relationship and it something for you, your moving out of state/country...(just checking if your paying attention)...
Just tell him the truth, maybe he will be hurt or maybe he won't? Maybe He wants the same thing...

Good Luck!

 
Old 04-05-2004, 09:20 AM   #6
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: kansas
Posts: 31
confused4005 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Thanks for the replys. No he doesn't want me to go. He knows he has messed up and says that he is going to change. This weekend he said that wasn't for sure about how much he can change. I asked him to stop smoking in the house he did okay for a while but he's back at it again. How can I believe that he will change when he cannot even go out side to smoke. I am so tired of it all. He says that I need to go on "happy pills" I think he believes that if I do I will stop thinking about leaving him. I tried to tell him that they won't do that.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 09:27 AM   #7
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused4005
Thanks for the replys. No he doesn't want me to go. He knows he has messed up and says that he is going to change. This weekend he said that wasn't for sure about how much he can change. I asked him to stop smoking in the house he did okay for a while but he's back at it again. How can I believe that he will change when he cannot even go out side to smoke. I am so tired of it all. He says that I need to go on "happy pills" I think he believes that if I do I will stop thinking about leaving him. I tried to tell him that they won't do that.

Maybe you may just need to leave for a bit. He will finally realize that your words and feelings are for real and he will stop if he truely cares.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 10:34 AM   #8
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 551
Salinas1 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Maybe you may just need to leave for a bit. He will finally realize that your words and feelings are for real and he will stop if he truely cares.
Very unlikely. A leopard shows its spots and, however discomforting to hear, they rarely change. In most people, what they do is who they are. One may stick around longer in a marraige to try and work through this, but why go through the drama and frustration in a bf/gf relationship. He is what he does. Address it on that level.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 10:44 AM   #9
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Very unlikely. A leopard shows its spots and, however discomforting to hear, they rarely change. In most people, what they do is who they are. One may stick around longer in a marraige to try and work through this, but why go through the drama and frustration in a bf/gf relationship. He is what he does. Address it on that level.

Parden Me but people can change. In my case I was a heavey drinker before my current relationship. She wanted me to slow down or she will leave becuase she didn't want to be around that.

I didn't want to loose her so I stopped drinking. I am only drinking on special occasions and that lightly. She also stopped me from being smoker. So as you see one can change for love. Its rare but worth a shot in her case.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:20 AM   #10
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: kansas
Posts: 31
confused4005 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Hey thanks eightball. I know people can change but how do you know if they are really willing to? He says he will try to change but he shows little effort. He use to drink alot that was before me. He smokes he says that he quit drinking but he's not sure that he can quit smoking. All I have done was to ask him to not smoke in the house. Yes I would like for him to quit and have told him so. He enjoys smoking so I am not sure that he is willing to change that habit for me. To me he is up to his old tricks. Change for a little while until I stop complaining about it and then back to the old way or his way. How long should someone put up with that kind of childish ways?

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:28 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused4005
Hey thanks eightball. I know people can change but how do you know if they are really willing to? He says he will try to change but he shows little effort. He use to drink alot that was before me. He smokes he says that he quit drinking but he's not sure that he can quit smoking. All I have done was to ask him to not smoke in the house. Yes I would like for him to quit and have told him so. He enjoys smoking so I am not sure that he is willing to change that habit for me. To me he is up to his old tricks. Change for a little while until I stop complaining about it and then back to the old way or his way. How long should someone put up with that kind of childish ways?

LOL, had to laugh at your last sentence, he'll change for awhile till you stop complaining...Men don't do well with change as we woman....takes them years of practice....Their brain cells are smaller then ours...Takes awhile to register and THAT IS WHY THEY CALL US......NAGS! Start throwing the STONES!

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:40 AM   #12
Inactive
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 838
newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

OK....I'm sure I'll get flamed for this.....but was he a smoker when you two started dating?? I'm a smoker; it's my only vice. And please don't lecture me how bad it is for me (because you know, smokers can't read and don't watch tv....i.e., the "Truth" commercials) because I already know that! All I'm saying is that I have dated guys that didn't smoke and have wanted me to quit. Prob is...YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE. He should compromise and smoke in either a designated room in the house (like the bathroom--there is a FAN in there for a reason!) or go outside. As for just flat-out wanting him to quit.....he might not WANT to. It has nothing to do with you, though. I have been a smoker for TEN YEARS!!! And I really don't want to quit. I know it's bad for me and I know I should. Sometimes I do want to.....but it's hard and NOT something that you would allow someone else to decide for you. I think that if that is the only gripe that you have about him--count your blessings girlie!!

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:42 AM   #13
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused4005
Hey thanks eightball. I know people can change but how do you know if they are really willing to? He says he will try to change but he shows little effort. He use to drink alot that was before me. He smokes he says that he quit drinking but he's not sure that he can quit smoking. All I have done was to ask him to not smoke in the house. Yes I would like for him to quit and have told him so. He enjoys smoking so I am not sure that he is willing to change that habit for me. To me he is up to his old tricks. Change for a little while until I stop complaining about it and then back to the old way or his way. How long should someone put up with that kind of childish ways?

Well his willing will be up on his doing. His love for you will make him change, and if he doesn't well you know right then what he cared for most in this relationship.

It is hard to make someone chang and I will say that but if that is going to hurt the relationship then I am sure he will do anything to save it.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:47 AM   #14
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Also, the smoking issue maybe somthing you want him to hold on to but he should go outside upon you request. But she should cut the drinking down also. Basically he should help you out in any way he can to stay with you. Its tuff giving up smoking and I am sure he can't do that over night.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 11:58 AM   #15
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: kansas
Posts: 31
confused4005 HB User
Re: Not sure how to tell him its over

Yes he was a smoker when we first got together. I told him that I would not marry him until he stopped smoking. He promised that he would well he didn't and I married him any way. I did tell him from the begining that the rules were that yes I would like for him to stop smoking. And that if our house started stinking like smoke he would have to do somthing differnt. Like smoke out side or quit. I also told him that I would not live in a house that smelled like smoke and he was not willing to go outside then I would not live with him.
This may sound funny but something about the smell has changed over the last few years. I don't know if it is him or the cigerettes(no he has not changed brands) something is different. I try to spray frebrez to help with the oder but it does not help when it is in everything. I could clean every hour of every day and it would help but it would not be gone. I wish he would have told me in the begining that he would not quit then I would not be going through all of this. I would have never married him if he had been honest about not wanting to quit. I know everyone has the right to to what they want but I feel that after nine years i should get some respect to.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Not sure what to expect?!!? mlcallender Back Problems 8 11-23-2009 01:59 PM
Ex is pregnant but not sure where I fit in NEWABQ Relationship Health 23 06-04-2009 04:16 PM
Pretty sure these are hot flashes... 2manyhotflashes Menopause 2 01-13-2009 03:23 PM
Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her Branman Relationship Health 65 08-13-2008 12:41 PM
About 70% sure I have MS Anthony666 Multiple Sclerosis 7 11-26-2007 08:14 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (254), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (96), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1177), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (903), Titchou (847), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (753), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:54 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!