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Old 04-08-2004, 06:45 AM   #1
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NotEven50Cents HB User
Thumbs down Unable to commit

Looking for advice. So I was in love with this man who gave me a lot of mixed signals. We didn't exactly have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but it was certainly more than friends. We did sleep together. In the end I found out he started seeing someone and that completely traumatized me. I'd spent quite a few years hovering in the background waiting for something to happen and he always gave indications that it would but in the end, it was more or less have a nice life goodbye. Since then I have had several guys show interest in me, one in particular, I feel like I'm get feelings for men and then it goes. I lose interest very quickly. I feel like I'm over it although everyone says that I am not. I would be the first to admit I am scarred totally by it. In fact it has made me quite a nasty person in some respects. Maybe I am over him but not over it. Is it that I am not over it or that I just haven't met that person to light my fire? I do not know if I am capable of actually having feelings now.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:51 AM   #2
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Unable to commit

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotEven50Cents
Looking for advice. So I was in love with this man who gave me a lot of mixed signals. We didn't exactly have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but it was certainly more than friends. We did sleep together. In the end I found out he started seeing someone and that completely traumatized me. I'd spent quite a few years hovering in the background waiting for something to happen and he always gave indications that it would but in the end, it was more or less have a nice life goodbye. Since then I have had several guys show interest in me, one in particular, I feel like I'm get feelings for men and then it goes. I lose interest very quickly. I feel like I'm over it although everyone says that I am not. I would be the first to admit I am scarred totally by it. In fact it has made me quite a nasty person in some respects. Maybe I am over him but not over it. Is it that I am not over it or that I just haven't met that person to light my fire? I do not know if I am capable of actually having feelings now.
Unfortunately, there are men like this everywhere. Women, too, I'm sure, but mostly men. First of all......you don't say how recently you found out he was seeing someone else, but you DID say that
Quote:
I'd spent quite a few years hovering in the background waiting for something to happen and he always gave indications that it would but in the end, it was more or less have a nice life goodbye.
Note to self......If sleeping with guy and NO committment has been made yet...usually no committment will BE made. Why would he? He's getting what he wants without the "hassles" of a relationship.

I don't know if you are over him or not...not knowing how much you were invested emotionally, but it couldn't have been THAT much because he wouldn't let you get that close! Probably you are mad at yourself AND at him. At him for taking advantage of you and yourself for letting him. Give it time......

 
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Old 04-08-2004, 07:02 AM   #3
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NotEven50Cents HB User
Re: Unable to commit

I agree with most of your points and it is not anything I have not already told myself or heard from friends. I think I invested a lot over the years, not just emotionally but a lot of other factors too. He always knew I did want a commited relationship and many times gave me the impression we were heading that way and I believed it. I've given it time, it's more than 18 months now. I think that is enough time. I am not quite sure what to do next.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 07:05 AM   #4
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Unable to commit

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotEven50Cents
I agree with most of your points and it is not anything I have not already told myself or heard from friends. I think I invested a lot over the years, not just emotionally but a lot of other factors too. He always knew I did want a commited relationship and many times gave me the impression we were heading that way and I believed it. I've given it time, it's more than 18 months now. I think that is enough time. I am not quite sure what to do next.
Decide that you have wasted enough time on this a$$....remember what you have learned from this (What HAVE you learned??) and move on! You have to give yourself permission to feel better!

 
Old 04-08-2004, 07:19 AM   #5
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NotEven50Cents HB User
Re: Unable to commit

It is that easy? I do not think so.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 07:27 AM   #6
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Unable to commit

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotEven50Cents
It is that easy? I do not think so.
I NEVER said it was "easy." If it was easy, you wouldn't be asking for advice, right?? You are already at least halfway there. If you are able to date others, whether or NOT you have feelings for them, you are well on the way to bouncing back. After being hurt like that, at first you can't even look at anyone...then you can look, but not date. Then you can date, but not touch. Or you can touch, but not Feel!! It's a PROCESS. There is no magic switch or magic "easy" answer. If there was, I'm sure you would have flipped it by now.

Do you know why you were drawn to this guy who treated you so poorly? Have you thought about what aspects of him should be "warning signs" should you see them in another person in the future? Do you know what parts of him you really LOVED, so that you know to look for those? Or was he just crap and you know to stay away from anyone who reminds you of him? LOL

 
Old 04-08-2004, 07:34 AM   #7
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NotEven50Cents HB User
Re: Unable to commit

I did not see those outward signs initially. He had a very magnetic personality and I was drawn in by that. Over time I got to see that he was not as I had initially interpreted. Other than that you are right.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 07:51 AM   #8
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Unable to commit

That's the Catch22 about dating those "magnetic" men!! Yeah, it draws you to them....but how many others, too? It is their other personality traits though that will tell you how receptive they are to the "others."

I dated a "magnetic" guy. He felt the need to "make friends" with everyone....I mean, we could be out of TOWN & stop to get coffee and he would STILL be trying to cut up and Schmooze. It could have been the chick ringing up our coffee....it didn't matter. We didn't get serious, needless to say! I don't trust people like that. Anyone who has that much need for attention? I'll never be able to give them enough to curb their appetite. And for that matter....who wants to even TRY? And doubt yourself all the time? No thanks.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 08:07 AM   #9
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NotEven50Cents HB User
Re: Unable to commit

I agree with everything you say. I just want to know how do I mentally turn back the hands of time so that I can go forward without hurting someone (deliberately or even not deliberately) because I was hurt.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 11:39 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Unable to commit

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotEven50Cents
Looking for advice. So I was in love with this man who gave me a lot of mixed signals. We didn't exactly have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but it was certainly more than friends. We did sleep together. In the end I found out he started seeing someone and that completely traumatized me. I'd spent quite a few years hovering in the background waiting for something to happen and he always gave indications that it would but in the end, it was more or less have a nice life goodbye. Since then I have had several guys show interest in me, one in particular, I feel like I'm get feelings for men and then it goes. I lose interest very quickly. I feel like I'm over it although everyone says that I am not. I would be the first to admit I am scarred totally by it. In fact it has made me quite a nasty person in some respects. Maybe I am over him but not over it. Is it that I am not over it or that I just haven't met that person to light my fire? I do not know if I am capable of actually having feelings now.
I am seeing here you did no wrong...Its not your fault that this guy decided to play you and be an a**. He is the one that caused your emotion like this.
Eventually these emotions will leave but I am sure that it stink having these feeling when trying to get in a new relationship.

It sux that it takes one person to ruin it.

 
Old 04-13-2004, 01:56 AM   #11
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Unable to commit

I dont have much to add except this story rings true with me and possibly millions of other women too. I sooo feel ya.

However, here's a glimmer of light. Happened to me, probably happened to every other woman on this board in some way....but even though you don't feel like it now, one day you will look back and think hell was I on crack with that dude? Because for the life of you, you won't see in him what you once saw. My life, my head, my whole world is better off without the guy who played with my feelings once upon a time. I couldn't give two craps about him and neither will you one day. Admittedly, it usually takes meeting a far better guy to make you sit up and realize you just wasted a good proportion of your life on someone not worth a toss.

Last edited by hbguide1; 04-13-2004 at 07:03 AM. Reason: If the word is offensive without asterisks, it is still offensive with them. Please choose other language than this.

 
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