If I was scared, lonely, afraid or hurt I ran to my mother. My Father taught me how to fix a car and plumbing, my mother taught me how to fix everything else in life, emotional as well as physical. The values I learned, my interaction with and my duties to society I learned from her. My dad suggested I join the Marines during the Vietnam war but it was my mom who made the trip down south and stood watching me graduate from Parris Island those many years ago. My Dad asked if I had strength, my Mother asked if I needed anything. My mother stayed active into her 70's, always making sure the seniors in her building got to the meals and if they couldn't, she made sure they were fed. She didn't have to know you to respect you, it was just a given. She did for others, taking a lady to the meal center one morning and falling to the ground as three aneurysms blew in her head at the same time. We had to make the decision to pull the plug, the Dr said there was no hope and he couldn't understand why she didn't die immediatly. I like to believe in my heart she was making sure that last person got to be fed before she left to be free and fly. Mothers hold us, nurture us, correct us and love us. I love my mother of course, but I have to love all mothers. They are so precious. They sacrifice so much of themselves for others. They form society as a whole, the beliefs and wisdoms that are passed down to their daughters (future mothers) and sons. Mothers are the ones that help to set the values that form future relationships. Mothers Day is coming up, that one day where we typically send flowers, a card and maybe say "I love you". She's your mother, she went through hours of excrutiating pain to make sure you got here. Maybe, just maybe we don't need to wait for that one day to express our love and respect. Maybe we could just tell her we love her tomorrow? In case you forgot, here's a few of the things she said.
Always change your underwear; you never know when you'll have an accident.
Close that door! Were you born in a barn?
Be careful or you'll put your eye out.
Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been!
You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes!
What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
Don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position.
Is it just me or is the a Hallmark moment??? I would love to have my son say that about me some day! What a wonderful mother you had and what a son she raised. I wished for this all my life, it wasn't to be, so it's my turn to make it that way for my children.
My Grandpa was the same way. He was an oncologist who also had cancer. He made house calls because he knew how very awful they felt after treatments and was a wonderful man! He too died after taking care of his last person. I didn't know her but I met her daughter about 7 years after my Grandpa passed away. I was doing door to door sales of all things...gotta start somewhere. This lady answered the door with tears in her eyes and I couldn't help but ask what was wrong. She found out she had a brain tumor that day and was waiting at her dad's house...him and his new wife were on vacation and she had no one to tell or to talk to.
So, we spent the next few hours talking and she cried. Somehow we got talking about how her mother also had a form of cancer and I mentioned my grandpa was an oncologist before passing away from it. She asked his name and I told her...she started bawling again. She told me that even though he had quit his practice a little over a month before he died, he still kept coming to take care of her until she passed away. She passed away two weeks before he did and the day before he became bed-ridden. She was his last duty on Earth before going home. He slipped away two weeks later....and not once did he lose his sense of humor. A truly great man. I wish I had more time with him...especially now that I have kids of my own.
Thankyou for sharing your story...definately a tear jerker and heart warmer.
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If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!
OK promisez, as tears are rolling down my face. What a beautiful life your mother not only taught you but showed you. What a beautiful person you are because of that.
I like Angel77 want to be like your mother for my son too!
I did not have a mother like yours and I prayed hard that she could become what Your Mother was..But for me as well as Angel77 it was not to be.
I have come to peace with myself over my mother. But there are days when thoughts come to my mind but they are never happy thoughts..
I work hard to be the best mother and like the mother you had to my son so one day he will write such a beautiful post as yours.
You have been blessed with all the true elements in life thru a powerful woman.
You're both doing exactly what my mother did. And its really not about the giving, its about the getting. Happy Mothers Day to you both and I love you for the way you are giving the values to the children. After all, I'm only 51 so they'll be making decisions for me when I get old in about 30 more years. Your children are also blessed.
Thank you, promisez. My mom passed away last fall after a VERY long fight with THE BIG C. As I left that last day she was awake she gave her usual "Drive carefully, luv ya!" I hear it every time I pick up a set of car keys. Her birthday just passed a few days ago and now Mothers Day is coming. Not easy. We all miss her something awful.
I have to stop now because I can't see the keyboard anymore.
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"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do." Dale Carnegie
I have never appreciated my mother as much as I have in the last week.
My Mum passed away 12 years ago from cancer. I was not told she was ill until 2 days before she died and always felt cheated and angry because of this. I was 19 years old at the time, totally self obsessed and I have always felt that I made her final years a complete misery. I thought that I should have been told, had a right to know and I could have changed the way I acted ... last Saturday my sisterinlaw's father passed away which brought up all those raw emotions and I spoke to my sister about it (she is 12 years older than me). She explained that prior to her passing, my mother had a radical vulvectomy which basically removes everything 'down there' which is on the outside .. vulva/clitoris .. traumatic to say the least, I cannot imagine what she went though.
Only today after a week of conflicting emotions, I have realised that my mother did not want me to be tip-toeing around her, she just wanted to enjoy watching me be myself for as long as she had left and protected me, her baby, as only a mother could. She was not the most loving parent physically due to her own loveless upbringing but now, all this time later, I have seen how SO MUCH she did love me. I am now a mother myself to two beautiful boys and totally respect the decision she made.
I did get to talk to her before she passed away and you know - in my most precious memory I can remember sitting by her bed in hospital and she was in and out of consciousness not making any real contact with anyone and I was crying and whispering to her 'I love you, I love you' and suddenly she looked at me, held my hand and said 'We love you too babe' then slipped back into unconciousness. I think now she sensed how much I needed her and she wanted to comfort me one last time - she loved me.
Wow, ALL of you!! How beautiful! Promisez, I left work yesterday with puffy eyes from your post and come in to find several more that are just moving me to tears.
Happy tears, we get so few and they are a blessing. Out of all these wonderful memories we have so far not a one shows a parent trying to jeopardize a childs emotions. They hid illnesses, let us make our own decisions on how to act emotionally and not once complained. I believe they know when its time, maybe even told its time to go and they are given those last few moments of clarity to say their goodbyes to friends and family as Ally can attest to. They give us those little things we can hang onto forever and remember, like the car keys for SuperTrooper. Some of us even try to emulate their selective wonderful behaviours, finding the positve points and knowing which points not to pass along. Not all parents are great it seems but we not only learn what to do, we also learn what NOT to do for the kids. Those parents kids will be truly blessed with huge Easter Egg baskets
Dads always say "One can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".
Moms say "Maybe not, but we can sure as heck make him thirsty".
Thank you for all your responses, you have truly made my day teary eyed yet soooo beautiful.
Last edited by promisez; 04-16-2004 at 08:23 AM.
Reason: spelled jeopardize wrong..and its probably still wrong :)
and don't forget all us mum's out their that lost our only child...makes me sad sometimes cause not many people send me cards...just cause my child is in heaven doesn't mean im not a mum anymore....
promisez, this post was just awesome...i'm very close to my mother...in fact, she thinks i have died if i don't call her twice a week
and don't forget all us mum's out their that lost our only child...makes me sad sometimes cause not many people send me cards...just cause my child is in heaven doesn't mean im not a mum anymore.
I know the feeling, I lost my son too. People tend to shy away from us when we lose someone as precious as a baby. I'm sure they wonder what they can possibly say to console us yet have a total fear of saying the wrong thing. In a way they are grieving also, they see how much pain and anger we have yet they feel helpless, watching a friend hurt so much. Very few know all we wanted was someone just to be there, maybe go to the store for us and no, they didn't have to say a word. A hand being held can be so much more. I'm sure our kids are looking down at their mothers saying "Hapy Mothers day Mom, I love you and miss you and we will be together one day. But until then, thank you for loving me for the time we had together, I couldn't have been blessed with a better mommy". Happy Mothers day Rach.
this board makes me cry so much.......thanks so much for that post...i lost a lot of friends after this happened...my dad told me to let them go...if they were real friends, they'll come around again some day...and some have...
we cannot forget fathers either...my mom didn't deal with all this well...it was my dad who took me to the support groups and joined the sids board...it was my dad that holds me tight when i need him (before i moved of course) and it's my dad who makes sure to call me at her angel and birth days...dads out there are important too...
Last edited by excaliburgrl; 04-16-2004 at 10:35 AM.
Yup, we dads are ok too but its Mothers day thats coming up, I just felt we should think about it more then one day a year. This has turned into a most beautiful thread, lots of wet eyes, happy tears and beautiful memories.
ps:excaliburgrl, call your mom
Yup, we dads are ok too but its Mothers day thats coming up, I just felt we should think about it more then one day a year. This has turned into a most beautiful thread, lots of wet eyes, happy tears and beautiful memories.
ps:excaliburgrl, call your mom
Thanks Promisez
and to excaliburgrl...Have Very Speical Mother's Day to you...
Excaliburgrl, please don't let the Ignorance of people let you down. I'm not trying to diss your friends, but some people just don't know how to deal with death and a death of a child is such an unbearing loss that they too don't know how to express themselves. It is up to us who experience such a great loss to make them feel at ease that it is OK to talk of Death to bring back the life that once was.
This post particularly touched me because my own mother died exactly the same way as yours five years ago. She was only 53 and at the time the hospital told us they had only seen such brain trauma in people who had literally gone head first through a wind screen in a car accident. We were told 12-24 hours, she lasted five whole days bless her. I like to think it was because she knew that my sister and I would be so traumatized by the suddenness of it all that she hung on as long as possible so that we would have time to get used to the situation and learn to let go.
We had no idea nor indication that this was going to happen but the night before it did happen I was at my mother's house as I popped in to say hi every evening before I went home to be wife and mum again. One of the last sentences we said to each other were.... Her: I just wanted you to know that despite the fact you may think I don't notice, I do, and I couldn't have wished for a more kinder, loyal and loving daughter as you. I know that if I had even the smallest problem, all I would have to do is pick up the phone and you'd immediately be there.
I replied: you're bloody right I would and you know why? Because if you weren't my mother I would have chosen you as my best friend anyway because even though you know I love you, I want you to know that I actually like you too.
I may not have had a chance to say goodbye to my mum as such, but I've thanked my lucky stars a million times since that we had the chance to say that at least to each other.
That's why I always say to my own kids....I'll never be your friend. I am YOUR MOTHER....you will have a thousand forgettable friends in your lifetime, you will only ever have ONE MOTHER. And no matter, where in the world we may be, you'll never forget my love for you.
This post particularly touched me because my own mother died exactly the same way as yours five years ago. She was only 53 and at the time the hospital told us they had only seen such brain trauma in people who had literally gone head first through a wind screen in a car accident. We were told 12-24 hours, she lasted five whole days bless her. I like to think it was because she knew that my sister and I would be so traumatized by the suddenness of it all that she hung on as long as possible so that we would have time to get used to the situation and learn to let go.
We had no idea nor indication that this was going to happen but the night before it did happen I was at my mother's house as I popped in to say hi every evening before I went home to be wife and mum again. One of the last sentences we said to each other were.... Her: I just wanted you to know that despite the fact you may think I don't notice, I do, and I couldn't have wished for a more kinder, loyal and loving daughter as you. I know that if I had even the smallest problem, all I would have to do is pick up the phone and you'd immediately be there.
I replied: you're bloody right I would and you know why? Because if you weren't my mother I would have chosen you as my best friend anyway because even though you know I love you, I want you to know that I actually like you too.
I may not have had a chance to say goodbye to my mum as such, but I've thanked my lucky stars a million times since that we had the chance to say that at least to each other.
That's why I always say to my own kids....I'll never be your friend. I am YOUR MOTHER....you will have a thousand forgettable friends in your lifetime, you will only ever have ONE MOTHER. And no matter, where in the world we may be, you'll never forget my love for you.
I may not have had a chance to say goodbye to my mum as such, but I've thanked my lucky stars a million times since that we had the chance to say that at least to each other.
She sounds like a really wonderful lady. I hope my mother has met her along with a few others. I remember I said goodbye to my mom as she lay in her casket as I kissed her forehead but almost the instant the funeral was over, I started talking to her in a more close and loving way, a way I never had when she was with me physically. Maybe we are only saying goodbye in the physical form to grow into a more loving spiritual relationship, a love of the heart. Maybe you didnt get a chance to say goodbye but you did get a chance to say "I love you" to her as only you could convey it, from the deepest part of your heart. Happy Mothers Day to you and your mom... and thank you so very much.
We also brought our mother home before the funeral. We did a 24 hour vigil with the coffin and quite a few family members and close friends were coming and going during the early hours. I remember knowing that they too had some form of grief but I felt quite resentful and 'invaded', selfish I know but my take on it was that these were truly the last moments we would physically share together and apart from my sister I wanted no one else there...well besides my dad. After all she had seen us into this world alone and I wanted the moment to see her out of it alone.
Touching and kissing her was harder than I ever imagined. Others were able to do it freely but I couldnt. I managed it but it caught my breath every time. It wasn't the fact of a dead body because I've been to several family funerals...this was MY mother and I knew I'd just lost the one person in the world who would love me inside out and merely just for me.
When I was very young my mother made me a very confident person. She'd made me feel like there was no one quite as beautiful, funny or intelligent as me. Therefore it came a bit of a shock to me when I ventured into the outside world, that maybe she was alone in this thought!! Of course, life knocks you back, and this was one of my major knocks and you tend to lose any confidence you may previously have had because you don't have that one person behind you who believes 100% in you.
If and when it's my time to leave this world, I want the final thought to be with my kids. I want them to be as secure in the knowledge as I was that the only people true to my heart were them. Because they are MINE, and no matter I may not physically be in this world no more, they will always be MINE and because they are mine, there really won't be anyone as beautiful, intelligent and special as them. I just hope they won't be as torn up when I go as I was when my mum went, although I suspect they will.
Promisez - I cannot thankyou enough for staring this post, adding my own post yesterday was the best therapy I could have asked for ... I must have cried for an hour when I finished and watched my kids sleeping in their beds for another hour. And also thankyou to everyone else who shared.
Anyone own stock in Kleenex??? I haven't come back to this thread until today because April 15th was the 23 anniversary of my dad's death. We joke now that it was his final kiss off to the IRS! He never did like them much....anyway...this is probably the first time I haven't cried...unusual enough for me. It made me cherish moments with my children and the few I have of my dad. He was a wonderful man. He left me with good memories and a great guardian angel. I still wonder what he was thinking when he was watching us at his funeral. I was four, and we used to play a game where he would pretend to be asleep and then jump up and scare the heck out of me! So, there he lay, me waiting for him to jump up...he never did. So, I tippy-toed and whispered in his ear, "Daddy, do you know you're wearing make-up? You have lipstick on." Then I bounced off to play in the water fountain.
I was told just a few years ago, at my uncle's funeral, that I still made a lady tear up by what I said to her. I was confused to say the least, but I guess she had a sleeping baby in her arms and I told her that it was nice to see her baby sleeping like my daddy was.....yup, nuther tissue. I still struggle with the what might have beens, but I know he's up there watching me and my boys. My son was 4 (yup, same age I was when my dad died) at my uncle's funeral and told me he wanted to see grandpa Brian. I thought he was talking about my mom's currant husband...same name, differant spelling.....I started to bawl when he walked my past my step-dad and towards my dad's grave!! He knew him all along. When I had my second, he used to watch things that only babies can see and smile....his grandpa was doing a fly by!
Now...on the subject of parents who lose their children....first of all...you are still parents! Even if it was the only child you ever had. It was not your choice that things were not to be, therefore, you don't lose the title of mom/dad to grief...you already lost a child, I think that's more than enough. But, to take that away from someone is to say that the child never was. It's just not right.
For those of you who don't know what to say....better to stick to the basics than stick your foot in your mouth. When I was pregnant, my best friend finally became pregnant. We were both so happy, then she miscarried. I was devestated and so afraid to show my joy around her...I didn't want to "rub in" her pain, with my joy. So, after a long time of thinking, it hit me and I called her. I told her that just because I didn't bring it up, didn't mean I didn't care. I didn't bring things up because I didn't want to bring pain to a day that she found sun in. But, if she was ever wanting to talk about it that she was free to bring it up any time. I thought that was that. A few weeks later, she called in tears and wanted to talk. It was the first time she could bring herself to address the reality of it all. We talked and cried for a long time. She finally became pregnant, successfully and no complications, a few months later. We both were scared, but knew she would be okay. She wanted to tell me, but wanted to wait because she wanted to get past the first trimester...but joy overwhelmed her and I found out earlier! I couldn't have been happier.
I could somewhat understand what she went through, but it came full term when I miscarried on my husband's birthday. I knew I was pregnant, it wasn't planned and my second was just a year...but I was devastated none-the-less. It wasn't the right time for my angel and now with my current health, it probably isn't to be....but He has His ways and I will know what is to be when the time is right.
For those grieving, realize that people say stupid things, without thinking about how much it hurts. You will at times feel you need "permission" to grieve by the attitudes of those around you. Know that grief is individual, has no time frame or consideration for your life and heart break and crops up when you least expect it. Moving on is a myth. You never "move on" but you move passed it. You will never forget but will one day know what it's like to laugh at your happy memories, rather than cry. It does happen. Your life will change, not necessarily for the worst, but it will be different and will be a struggle. You will learn a new path, maybe walk hand in hand with someone else and may still cry years down the road. You never get all your heart back, but you know you'll be okay because they took the pieces you can't find with them and will cherish them forever.
If someone is telling you it's time to get over it....they aren't trying to be mean, they don't know how to watch you hurt and feel helpless, so this hurtfull approach is the best they can find. You may have only had minutes or maybe you had years, but you're not going to just snap out of it over night. The best they can do is love you and let you share how you're feeling. Feeling like you have to hide your feelings only prolongs the pain and the "healing" process. So find someone you can share all your feelings with....if not in real life, hey, cyber space can be wonderful. You also don't have the guilt of sharing a feeling that may be painful to another. Gently say, "I understand it's hard for you to see me hurt, but it's my loss and mine to grieve. I don't know when it will be "over" or lessen, it's something I can only find out by waking up one day after another and one day, I will know that I made it. If it's hard for you to see and you feel the only way to help is to tell me to move on, please understand that it only adds to my pain and is not helpful. If you are unsure of what I need, it's okay to ask. No one expects you to know all the answers or right things to say, but knowing you care will help me." It lets them know they're hurting you, but hopefully, will avoid an emotional blow up that may serve to further separate you from that person.
Also, for those who want to help but don't know how....things that are helpful are bringing meals that are easily re-heated (many are grieving so much, remembering to cook something to eat is near the bottom of the list), offer to help with household chores or the children...maybe carpooling or homework....writing any thankyou notes they may want to send, help them with yard work...but be careful not to intrude. Ask them what they need and respect their wishes. Also, don't offer something that you can't or don't intend to honor. Don't offer to be available in the middle of the night if they have a breakdown.....because nothing is worse than calling someone, in tears and hearing in their voice that they didn't mean what they said. So, don't offer something because you feel obligated, on the spot or don't know what else to do. Just hug them and let them know you care. If something comes up afterwards that you think will help you can always offer later.
Also, remember that at first, they may be surrounded by people and seem to have enough help...but that drops off quickly and they will need someone there to lean on when the others have gone on with their lives and they haven't yet been able to "move on" with theirs.
I know that was off topic, but it was so prevalant in most of the posts, I thought it beneficial. Grief is something so common, yet so ignored. It profoundly effects those who suffered the loss and those who can't handle it and walk away from that person, causing another loss to grieve. It's better to step back a bit than run away completely. If you're uncomfortable with talking in person to them, drop them a note or maybe quietly leave something on their porch that will let them know you care....maybe a nice fluffy bathrobe, slippers, favorite candy, favorite movie, favorite plant, or make one of the meals you know they love. It may not seem like much to you, but to that person, it means the world. They know that even in their sorrow, they are cared for and never truly alone. Not only will it help them through it better, it will endear them to you and make your relationship even stronger.
Now, back to the subject...thankyou Promisez for your kind words. You are truly a unique spirit. The type that this world could definately benefit from. It also helped some of those who have posted to share memories that they may not have been able to share with those in their lives. As we all know, most people are not comfortable dealing with grief or even sharing good moments, once that person is ready to share them. It's something we all need to feel free to express whenever we want. They lived, they shared some great moments and bottom line, profoundly effected our lives. We deserve to share that and they deserve to be remembered.
Happy Mama's day to all....especially you excaliburgirl! You are and always will be a MUM! No one can change that or take it away. Do me a favor, send yourself a mother's day card, celebrate it and get a big white balloon, put a letter in it to your baby and send it to heaven...they'll be watching! It may not physically make it, but in your heart you will know that they got it.
Best wishes and blessings to all of you. Wonderful people, wonderful stories and wonderful memories to still be made. Hugs to all of you walking on two feet and those flying high above...........................Angel
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If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!
