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Old 04-16-2004, 05:33 AM   #1
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Why is cheating SO devastating...

...Because it requires the betrayed lover/spouse to accept that love can include behaviors they previously considered utterly incompatible with love.

The reason infidelity is the closest thing to impossible to resolve and work through is because it completely shatters the most basic foundation of a relationship. The normal thing to say here is that is "trust". And of course trust lies at the heart of the problem of reconciliation. However, it really is about the meaning of love. If you love someone, you may not be able to define it 100%, but whatever it means, it completely and totally excludes the possibility of infidelity.

The betrayed will forever be faced with the reality that love will never mean what they thought it meant, at least as long as they are with the betrayer. Most cheaters will say that, while in the affair, they truly loved their betrayed partner. The human mind and emotion is not able to correlate that someone can love you and can also betray you. This leads the betrayed to always be aware that this persons expression of love carry’s with it no guarantee that that love will be enough to keep them committed in the future.

A person that can express genuine love for another and still rationalize an affair is perceived as a tormenting dilemma to the betrayed spouse. Love moves from being a source of comfort to a source of confliction in their mind The difficulty in reconciliation has to do with the betrayed not being able to eliminate the dissonance and confusion that comes with being told by a person, I love you, while that same person is engaged in sexual and emotional activities with someone else.

In order to fully move forward, the betrayed must be able to redefine love to include the possibility of behaviors they would never ever have considered possible before the infidelities. And for many, this mental and emotional exercise is just impossible to fully resolve.

 
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Old 04-16-2004, 06:51 AM   #2
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Maybe it's a bit off topic, but I'm feeling slightly irritated and depressed today, so my opinions will be radical. I just don't understand all these people who are in good relationship and supposedly "love" their spouse/significant other very much, and yet are able to cheat on them. It's just beyond my scope of comprehension. Don't they think about how their action will affect their spouse and the relationship?? I don't get it. I have never ever cheated on anyone and I think it's pretty safe to say that I never will. It's not "in me" to do it. During the four years I was living with my ex boyfriend, I had quite a few opportunities to cheat; but I just did not allow myself. Now that I've been single for a while, I appreciate the value of a loving, committed relationship even more. The way I see it, I would have to be seriously on drugs to risk a great relationship and hurt someone I love so deeply in the name of a stupid roll in the hay. No, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. I'm just angry and resentful, yes-resentful, that so many o fthese cheating lying people have great partners who they don't appreciate and are willing to hurt on a whim, and I am single. If you have a great boyfriend you're going to cheat on, give him to me!

 
Old 04-16-2004, 07:01 AM   #3
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I just don't understand all these people who are in good relationship and supposedly "love" their spouse/significant other very much, and yet are able to cheat on them. It's just beyond my scope of comprehension.
Sophia, your have perfectly expressed what it is I was trying to say. Your inability to resolve this apparent conflict is the core issue. As you note, it is beyond the scope of most folks comprehension.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 07:02 AM   #4
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
And for many, this mental and emotional exercise is just impossible to fully resolve.

May add great info:


Also, I can't imagine the hurt of somone that you loved cheated on you. From the help of these boards I have learned alot about cheating and how it can kill a relationship and the one you love. I hpoe I never go through this but I can't predict the future. I wish for the best though

 
Old 04-16-2004, 07:26 AM   #5
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Sophia, your have perfectly expressed what it is I was trying to say. Your inability to resolve this apparent conflict is the core issue. As you note, it is beyond the scope of most folks comprehension.
Yes, Salinas, it's true that the dissonance between "loving" someone and cheating at the same time is too great to be made sense of. In that case, a reconcilliation, even if attempted for a period of time, might feel "fake" because you're trying to fool your heart and mind into feeling like such an issue could be resolved. I can compare it to a child who is severely abused by his mother, and yet the mother claims to "love" him. The child might rationalize the abuse and try to believe his mother loves him, but deep down he knows that the pain his mother inflicts is not consistent with love. Of course the child might not be able to form this opinion based on logical reasoning, but it just won't "feel" right to him. Cheating is an act that is not consistent with love. It's that simple.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 08:51 AM   #6
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Then of course it seems the person having the affair seems to want to personalize it by having it with the other persons friend. The affair itself is devastating, the circumstances involved make it cruel.

Last edited by promisez; 04-16-2004 at 08:52 AM. Reason: spelled seems wrong, it is way to early for typos :)

 
Old 04-16-2004, 09:03 AM   #7
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
The affair itself is devastating, the circumstances involved make it cruel.
Some say that the details are all painful and should not be the focus. However, I contend that to say a slap is a slap is a slap is nonsense. The act of physically striking someone can be shocking and always inappropriate and humiliating. Leaving a red mark is quite a different thing that crushing someone’s face in.

I think affairs can be similar. All affairs are devastating. However, the details and circumstances can mean the difference between making a recovery and having no hope for reconciliation. As you note, the circumstances involved can raise the bar.

Last edited by Salinas1; 04-16-2004 at 09:03 AM.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 09:34 AM   #8
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

I don't necessarily disagree with any of the above posters but I did want to give my perspective as a cheater. I cheated on my ex-boyfriend many, many times over the years that we were together and I can say with certainty that I did love him. We were not married nor did we ever live together. He was my first love, my first sexual partner, and we were together for 13 years.

The reason (not excuse, I was wrong no doubt about it) was that my needs were not being met by him. Instead of breaking up with him and moving on like a mature person should do, I stayed with him and looked to get my needs met elsewhere. Even though, he did not meet all of my needs, I still loved him and he was my best friend. When I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him, I missed him so badly and still loved him for a good while.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 09:45 AM   #9
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
I don't necessarily disagree with any of the above posters but I did want to give my perspective as a cheater. I cheated on my ex-boyfriend many, many times over the years that we were together and I can say with certainty that I did love him. We were not married nor did we ever live together. He was my first love, my first sexual partner, and we were together for 13 years.

The reason (not excuse, I was wrong no doubt about it) was that my needs were not being met by him. Instead of breaking up with him and moving on like a mature person should do, I stayed with him and looked to get my needs met elsewhere. Even though, he did not meet all of my needs, I still loved him and he was my best friend. When I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him, I missed him so badly and still loved him for a good while.
That's interesting, considering your screenname.....how many times did you tell him what you needed from him before you decided to "take the matter into someone else's hands?"

 
Old 04-16-2004, 09:50 AM   #10
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

hmmm, i know some are probably waiting for me to reply to this post...i really can't add much....i don't think i will ever understand why he cheated...i keep seeing so many people say that there was something missing in our relationship (affection, passion, whatever)...but that was never really the case...i went out of my way to meet his needs...

sometimes i doubt that i will make it thru this...i sometimes doubt that he never physically cheated...and i sometimes doubt that he'll never do it again...only time will tell if i can move on from this or not...

 
Old 04-16-2004, 09:52 AM   #11
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
Even though, he did not meet all of my needs, I still loved him and he was my best friend. When I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him, I missed him so badly and still loved him for a good while.

I am sorry to say but I don't agree with your decision at all. You betrayed him how can you love someone continuelly for 13 years and cheat on him just to get your jawlies satisfied.

This is a perfect opinion on how cruel a love can be. I can't see how any other future guy can trust you in a relationship. This is just hormones...there are other ways of getting pleased like massages, surprisises, or just being there.

Different people have different hormones...If his was low that is not his fault. Loving him mean that he is suppose to trust you, which that didn't go well. You did the right thing ending things but now you put a scare on him for future relationships.

I guess it could be just my misunderstand but I could never see the fact of cheating because no NEEDS were taken care of. Man I have those needs just like everyone else but I am just as happy if I get other needs satisfied.

Why does this happen?

Last edited by eightball61; 04-16-2004 at 10:05 AM.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 10:00 AM   #12
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

if somebody isn't having their needs fulfilled by their partner why don't they just tell them instead of going elsewhere....grrrrr....

 
Old 04-16-2004, 10:08 AM   #13
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Ahhh............. Communication


They key to a does relationship

 
Old 04-16-2004, 10:21 AM   #14
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
I don't necessarily I cheated on my ex-boyfriend many, many times over the years that we were together and I can say with certainty that I did love him.
I am glad you contributed. Your perspective is of value.

At the heart of your position is the question of how do individuals define love. What is love? Most people, even if they don' take the time to break it down as such, see love defined as a feeling reinforced by behaviors. Among those behaviors ascribed to love are loyalty, commitment, concern, dedication, etc.

To say I love someone, and to not honor these behaviors that are inextricably tied to the use of the word love leaves most highly suspicious of anyone that freely uses the term but does not apply the behaviors. Most would say that love is of minimal value were it not or these behaviors to accompany this "feeling".

Now to my question. Do you define love as something beyond a "feeling"? Do you say that love cannot exist without certain behaviors associated with it? Can someone love someone and beat them, for example? If someone abuses another person and insists they love them, is this possible in your concept of love? If it can, can you descibe the value you might associate with a "love" that can be accompanied by "unloving" behaviors. How would that kind of love be defined?

Genuine questions here and not meant to be leading or judgemental.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 10:23 AM   #15
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Re: Why is cheating SO devastating...

I am sorry if I made anyone angry. Like I said, I know that I was wrong and you are certainly right I DID betray him and more than once at that. I can tell you more of the story but I hope that you don't think that I am trying to make excuses for what I did. I know that what I did was wrong. I should have left him long before I did.

Yes, I talked to him many, many times about what I wanted. It was not just a matter of his libido was smaller than mine. His libido was plenty big. There were certain things that he just refused to do and he was always more concerned with himself during love making than he was with me.

Then he got sick and couldn't do certain things. (I'm new here, not sure how much detail I can or want to get into.) During his illness, I knew that I wanted something more, but I did not want to kick a man while he was down so to speak and thought that I would be a **** poor human being (some may say that I am anyway) for breaking up with him when he was going through this. So I was there for him through every surgery and through the recovery. Once he was back on his feet and had found a good job again, that is when I broke up with him.

You are also right about my username. I came up with this name when I placed an ad to find a man to have a discreet afair with. I am now married to the man who answered my ad and I have just continued to use this name online because I like it. We have been married for almost 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I have never even continplated cheating on my dh.

 
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