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Old 04-16-2004, 01:20 PM   #1
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haffeys HB User
The End (finally)

Well the end has finally come....

She finally decided she wants to be with him and I decided I dont care anymore. I have spent to much time and energy trying to save our marriage. She called him today and told him she wants to be with him and will be moving out there in 6 weeks. Reason for the delay, our oldest daughter (my step-daughter) doesnt finish school for another month and he is in the Army National Guard and has to go to training for a month next week.

I have decided I tried and she didnt so I am not as hurt as much as I was last year when she cheated. I am going to move on with my life...sort of
I am moving back in with my parents (fun fun) and I will be filling for a divorce next week. After talking it over with my mother alot, I have also decided that I will be filling for full custody of my daughter (the youngest one) because I dont want her to grow up thinking it is ok to use men how ever she sees fit as well as changing from man to man. Let me explain, since our oldest daughter was born (my step daughter) my wife has changed man to man and our daughter has seen this. She already thinks it ok to change men whenever you get tired of one. I have no legal ability to do anything about the oldest but I do when it comes to my youngest.

Its kinda funny but my wife and oldest daughter are very close and my wife convenced my daughter that it was a great idea to leave me and move to another state and move in with another man.

This is going to get ungly because I know my wife and she is going to fight and complain about everything but **** happens

 
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Old 04-16-2004, 02:32 PM   #2
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: The End (finally)

I can't say I'm surprised at this but I am honestly sorry. Marriage breakups, especially where kiddies are involved, are so traumatic. You may actually find that she has been so caught up in a whirlwind of 'illusion' with this guy and probably the reality of living with him may send her home quicker to you than you imagine. You may not however think you want her then, but that's probably anger. Personally I think this 'relationship' with the other guy will last about as long as a fart, but that's something she needs to figure out herself and trust me she will.

Listen, when a woman has doubts about a man (as you are fully aware she does) that means she KNOWS something isn't quite right herself...so therefore from that you can assume that this isn't 'loves young dream'. Typical story...bored, neglected wife, seeks solace with someone else, thinks she finds it, abandons her old life in search of love with new life, realizes she's picked a duff plum...goes home feeling like an azzzzzhole.

Try not to do anything to rash right now, as tempting as it might seem, because it is very early days and rule NOTHING out right now. If she does realize she's made a mistake, it's got to be on different terms. Things will never be the same as they were before and neither of you would want them to be because this is how it ended up.

Either way, it's not easy for either of you or the kids. Keep your chin up.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 07:48 PM   #3
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haffeys HB User
Re: The End (finally)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadSkillzGal
I can't say I'm surprised at this but I am honestly sorry. Marriage breakups, especially where kiddies are involved, are so traumatic. You may actually find that she has been so caught up in a whirlwind of 'illusion' with this guy and probably the reality of living with him may send her home quicker to you than you imagine. You may not however think you want her then, but that's probably anger. Personally I think this 'relationship' with the other guy will last about as long as a fart, but that's something she needs to figure out herself and trust me she will.

Listen, when a woman has doubts about a man (as you are fully aware she does) that means she KNOWS something isn't quite right herself...so therefore from that you can assume that this isn't 'loves young dream'. Typical story...bored, neglected wife, seeks solace with someone else, thinks she finds it, abandons her old life in search of love with new life, realizes she's picked a duff plum...goes home feeling like an azzzzzhole.

Try not to do anything to rash right now, as tempting as it might seem, because it is very early days and rule NOTHING out right now. If she does realize she's made a mistake, it's got to be on different terms. Things will never be the same as they were before and neither of you would want them to be because this is how it ended up.

Either way, it's not easy for either of you or the kids. Keep your chin up.

Thanks for the info and advice....BUT this is actually the second time this has happened in one year with the same guy. I tried to win her back last time and all it did was push her right to him. After a few months I gave up and tried to move on with my life and that is when she reallized she still loved me and was confused. She ended up spending 2 weeks in person with her and at the end of that she said she couldnt wait to take him to the airport. About a week or two later she wanted to talk to me if I was willing which I had to think about for many many hours before deciding to give her an ear. That was 9 months ago and that is when we got back together. We made promises to one another and started rebuilding our marriage from scratch. Our marriage was no where close to perfect but it was a 1000 times better than it had been. Last month though I guess I started to fall short and slip back into my old habits (at least that is what she told me). I read another posting "Help me forget the past" which I was totally surprized that it is almost exactly what is going on here. After reading it my eyes opened so wide and I saw more of the issues going on here than I had even reallized. I guess this isnt the end as I stated at first....After my wife told me she had decided to leave I lost it (yes im stupid) and I spent most of the morning just going on and on about how she was being a stupid ***** (more or less) and after a few hours she finally broke down. I looked at her and asked why she was crying if she wanted to leave and she said she didnt want to at least she didnt think so...so now we are back to the same damn thing.

I have issues myself.....I feel like "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" since at times I can be so calm and just be content with the idea of her staying but in a split moment I snap and I think she is leaving and cant control my emotions or my actions.......**** IM SCREWED UP!!!

NEways.....hopefully she will stay and if she does i will find everyway to show her she is loved, cared about, and maybe we will try to do more things together. Besides that I plan to get some counseling.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 08:20 PM   #4
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Angel77 HB User
Re: The End (finally)

Hiya...I'm sorry to see this happen, but sounds like you're ready to move on. I have a suggestion on custody, since it's hard for men to get the children without a huge and documented reason....not fair, just is. You need to document any issues that have happened that you feel adversely effect your daughter, what it caused, etc. Also, from here on out, document every ounce of convo about divorce, custody, etc. Date, time, place, convo and anyone who witnessed it. It may seem overboard, but you forget things you never think you will and if you have it all documented, you will be the more believable party.

Also, since you say yourself that you have issues, get yourself in counseling and parenting classes. It may go a long way with the judge to show that you are responsible and want and will do what's best for your daughter. Signing up for parenting classes is not an admission of being a bad parent, but a parent who strives to learn better ways to handle situations. Everyone has something they can learn, those who will apply it are those who sign up of their own free will, not court ordered. If it's forced, you don't take as much from it. I'm in classes now, where they come to me, since I'm housebound/disabled. They have helped me tremendously. Just knowing how it is from a child's point of view makes it easier to cope with their less than fabulous moments and melt-downs. I've actually gotten to the point that when my oldest throws raving fits, I don't yell, get angry or nearly as stressed. I'm irritated, but it doesn't effect me like it used to.

You are not screwed up though by wavering between being okay with her leaving and wanting her to stay. You loved her and still do, even though she's hurt you. Sometime's, love just isn't enough, that's when it's time to walk. You won't do yourself any favors by ignoring your emotions. You are normal. No one walks away with out emotions. You may not see them on her face, that's because she used him to move on from you without ever being alone. She just traded one man for another. There will come a time that she'll feel what you are...it will just be delayed and chances are poetic justice. She'll probably realize how much she misses you and wants you about the time her relationship w/ rebound falls apart and you're with someone who values you and respects you enough not to waffle from one man to another.

Again, right it all down. Get therapy so you adjust to it in a more rational and healthy way and sign up for the parenting. If you can't afford it, there may be some free programs...like the one I'm in. I think it will go a long way when fighting for custody and improving your relationship with your daughter.

Also, one valuable tidbit of advice....do not, no matter how hard it is...involve your kids in this, say anything negative about your soon-to-be ex-wife, or ask questions about what she is doing. It is not their place to play referee or junior spy. This is hard at first, but that child will love and appreciate you for not using them to get to the other. If she says something negative about you and your child asks you or repeats it to you, respond w/ something like, "I know that mom says things that aren't nice about me, but she's mad and saying things that aren't fair/true/appropriate, etc. I know it's hard for you, but you know in your heart what is right and it's okay to ask me if you have questions." If it's something like, "Mommy says you don't love me as much as she does.....Mommy says it's all your fault, etc." Respond with, "Parents have a hard time believing that someone can love their child as much as they do, so maybe she is just having a hard time sharing you." "When mommy says it's my fault we aren't married any more that isn't true. Adults can make bad choices and sometimes things change that adults can't get along and it's better for them to be apart, than together. I know it hurts when mom says those things, but she's confused and doesn't realize that what she is saying to you hurts. Everyone has good and bad, sometimes the bad is what people remember."

If you stay on the high road and don't retaliate with "Oh, yeah, well mom was sleeping with another man..." something a lot of parents would do....sling mud at the other mud slinger...it only confuses and hurts the child. They know they are a part of each parent and need to know that just because a parent made a bad choice, does not mean that the child is bad. Kids internalize and assume that bad actions mean that the person is bad...not just the action.

I don't remember how old you said the youngest was, but she will see in her own time what is going on. You need not say anything negative about your ex, she will do it to herself. Ya know the saying...give 'em enough rope.... It's so true.

Please take care of yourself and that little girl. Stay on the high road and you'll have devoted children and if your ex takes the low road, she'll also reap what she sewed.
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Old 04-17-2004, 02:37 AM   #5
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: The End (finally)

Judging by his reactions I wouldn't say one bit he's 'ready to move on'.

Look, it doesn't matter if it's the second, third, fourth or five time she's done this. The point you are missing is this. She keeps coming back. What does that tell you? It tells you that she WANTS to believe this new man is her dream man, she wants him to sweep her off her feet so they can live happily ever after, but the fact she even came back to try to make it work tells YOU there's an element of doubt for her. Don't think she came back purely for matrimonial responsibilities...you are wrong. Trust me, if a woman, whether married or not, falls in love, she aint coming back to the guy she considered an azzzzhole. No way!

I honestly think you guys are just caught up in an intense vicious circle. You're going round and round and round torturing each other. The problem with infidelity is that it blows wide open a marriage and every time there is a little disagreement, the person who was cheated on, continues to think they ARE being cheated on even if it's not true and the other person, tires of trying to prove themself innocent. So they argue argue argue and in the end -in your case- the wife thinks ahhh eff this im going back to Mr True Love because I don't get this grief from him.

Of course she doesn't get the same grief from him because let's be fair there's a lot of factors she's not taking into account.

1. He don't share the same history with her as you do.
2. You guys have kids together and I really don't believe this guy wants to be dad to your kids. After all he is not doing a very good job of keeping themselves together if she's backwarding and forwarding like this.
3. I honestly don't think he cares for her anyway. It's probably the sex for them both at the core. If he loved her, as in totally loved her, he'd demand she be there with her cases packed NOW and wouldn't have tolerated her going back to you because that would have been too painful for him. The fact he's allowed her back tells me he kinda sees her as a bit of a Miss Right Now...easy come, easy go.

Don't quite give up on your marriage yet. Seriously. Every one will say nah chuck her out, she's done. But you and I both know that things aren't quite that easy right? Coz the one thing that everyone on this board can't feel right now are your feelings. And if you didn't love your wife still you wouldn't be on this board continuing to ask for advice or updating us. By you doing this alone, this tells me, you haven't moved on. Because people who move on don't want to discuss it in other than a factual way...but it's a "closed case", if at all, because they just don't care.

You and I both know marriage isn't a bed of roses. It's hard to take advice from people who haven't either had to WORK and I MEAN WORK damn hard to make a long term marriage work, or also subsequently watch that marriage breakdown for the final time. It's one of the hardest things ever. No one just says "ok, that's it. hey thanks for the past blah blah years but i'm out". There's tears, anger, shouting, throwing, words of abuse in retaliation.

As a woman, I'll almost judge this situation accurately for you because I've seen it time and time and time and time again. This man isn't 'THE man' for your wife. He's Mr Right Now because she's forgotten what it is like to feel SOMEBODY and he's merely reminded her. How LONG it will take for HER to realize this, I don't know because I'm not psychic. But I somehow don't imagine it to be years. More like months or even weeks. Trust me the thrill of an affair goes very quickly when you are caught out and have to live it as 'real life'. It's a bit like having sex out of doors.....it's the thrill of being caught that makes it exciting. Well now this is ALL out in the open, everyone knows....let's see where the excitement is now huh?

Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 04-17-2004 at 02:44 AM.

 
Old 04-17-2004, 04:42 AM   #6
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: The End (finally)

Quote:
Originally Posted by haffeys
...and if she does i will find everyway to show her she is loved, cared about, and maybe we will try to do more things together.
When you are more clearheaded and have a stronger sense of self repect and personal worth, you will come to understand this has nothing at all to do with you. There is no amount of showing her anything that will affect her character. And this is where you are failing in your assessment of the problem. This is all about character - doing the right thing. Not that staying together is necessarily the right thing. But how you go about any objective has a right way and a wrong way. Bad character is like poison to anyone sharing a relationship with that person. You somehow think her lack of character is related to you or what you do. IT IS NOT.


Quote:
Besides that I plan to get some counseling.
Please, please do this for your sake. You are not staying because of teh virtue of doing the right thing. You are begging her to stay because of your need. Get some help for that.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 12:24 AM   #7
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haffeys HB User
Re: The End (finally)

ok a few things......
First I would like to thank Angel77 for your words.....I am only 24 and my daughter (the youngest one) is only 4. If worst comes to worst I will do what is required to win.

MadSkillzGal:
WOW, thank you too...I think you understand what is going on better than anyone which is odd since I have NO CLUE who you are...LOL
Yes, i would love to move past this and fix our marriage at all cost. I know I love my wife and I am not trying to save this marriage just for the sake of the kids nor just because I feel comfortible with her. I truly do think with help and time this marriage could be a great one. The quote is, "What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger", well if this issue doesnt kill the marriage it can make us strong with some outside help. I am trying to give my wife some time to reallize this is a HUGE mistake but Im not sure emotionally I can wait long. I feel like Dr. Jekyle and Mr. Hyde...At times I show her I love her and care about her...talk to her about our future together..remind her of the great times we have had and the great times we will have. Then their is the reverse, I go off and blow up.....yelling at her that she is destroying our family, that all she cares about is herself..you know. It was so wierd tonight she openly admitted to me that she knows what she is doing is wrong...and then stop talking. All I could think was, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IT??? We had a huge fight yesterday and she left and while she was out she called him and told him she was moving there in 6 weeks.....he responded by telling her he will start looking for a place for them. I feel like I cant win, If i try to care for her she says I am pushing her to stay and smoothering her but if I dont do anything and act like nothing is going on then I feel like i am pushing her away right into his arms. I really wish this would just end (either way at this point) so all the anger and hurt I am trying to hold in would GO AWAY!!!

LAST, Salinas1 thank you for your comments as well but just like many ppl i have talked to you think I am wrong and need to just walk away. That I am being stupid for staying and putting up with this crap. This is true love for me, I am sure my wife loves me but is confused or something. Yes I need counseling both personal and marriage, that I will not deny.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 03:00 AM   #8
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: The End (finally)

I'll tell you why she reacts like that. Because she KNOWS she has done wrong and sometimes it's easier to just 'make a go' of the messy side relationship she has embarked on than to stay there and 'accept your punishment'.

When people have affairs, they are probably punished by the other partner for this more than any other misdemeanour. It's the ULTIMATE betrayal. Of course it hurts. But in life I have honestly learned that no one is above it. We all like to think NOT ME, I wouldn't do that, I wouldn't accept that. But in the right circumstances of being neglected, who's to say whether you would or wouldn't. By the same token, IS it so easy to walk away from possibly the only person you've ever loved to such a degree.....hell I dunno if I could despite how 'strong' I think I am. I now know we all are capable of making huge errors of judgement, its not about age, experience, or even financial stability.....it's all about emotional stability.

But to you I would say, back off a little. The fact she keeps returning home tells you that something keeps drawing her back to YOU. So play smart ok. Stop tormenting each other with cruel comments - it's pulling you further apart as you well know. If you are to make a go of this marriage you CANNOT keep bringing it up everytime there's a disagreement. That's not fair. That's also NOT making the marriage move past this episode and work. So like I said, play smart, she WILL watch for signs in you to see whether she's made a mistake. So show a united happy front with your kids. Be welcoming to her and STOP throwing it in her face. I know you are hurt, but I bet the thought of her leaving you forever would kill you far more than her infidelity....if it didn't you wouldn't love her. This is where most men fall down. They act on basic caveman instinct and completely miss what us women ACTUALLY want. So listen to me.....BE SMART and 'romance' your wife back to you, much like the other man 'romanced' your wife away from you. Good luck.

Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 04-18-2004 at 03:04 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 07:31 AM   #9
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maak823 HB User
Re: The End (finally)

I really feel for your situation, I have been there myself. After reading your last post- I feel VERY compelled to tell you - that IF she is moving out of state- you need to take LEGAL ACTION NOW. Get an attorney and file for divorce with custodial parental rights. You need to get this in the court system BEFORE she moves. If she moves out of state with your daughter without any visitation or custodial orders- you will be screwed. Sorry to be so blunt- but I really want you to get my point and read this ASAP. Right now, you can take your daughter with you when you move, the courts can do nothing until there is an order in place, but if she moves across state lines, you are in for an uphill costly battle for visitation and custody due to the young age of your daughter. It is extremely difficult to get things done with while you are in different states- however; a temporary court order will lay down the law with visitation and will keep her from moving until all is settled.

BTW- I totally agree with Madskills advice as well. Good Luck to you - I wish you the best.

Also- you need to DOCUMENT everything that is occuring - and I mean everything, put a tape recorder in your pocket and tape your conversation- also- if you record your phone calls, its legal as long as you know its being recorded- AND despite what people may tell you- it is admissable in court.

Best of Luck to You!!!!




Quote:
Originally Posted by haffeys
ok a few things......
First I would like to thank Angel77 for your words.....I am only 24 and my daughter (the youngest one) is only 4. If worst comes to worst I will do what is required to win.

MadSkillzGal:
WOW, thank you too...I think you understand what is going on better than anyone which is odd since I have NO CLUE who you are...LOL
Yes, i would love to move past this and fix our marriage at all cost. I know I love my wife and I am not trying to save this marriage just for the sake of the kids nor just because I feel comfortible with her. I truly do think with help and time this marriage could be a great one. The quote is, "What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger", well if this issue doesnt kill the marriage it can make us strong with some outside help. I am trying to give my wife some time to reallize this is a HUGE mistake but Im not sure emotionally I can wait long. I feel like Dr. Jekyle and Mr. Hyde...At times I show her I love her and care about her...talk to her about our future together..remind her of the great times we have had and the great times we will have. Then their is the reverse, I go off and blow up.....yelling at her that she is destroying our family, that all she cares about is herself..you know. It was so wierd tonight she openly admitted to me that she knows what she is doing is wrong...and then stop talking. All I could think was, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IT??? We had a huge fight yesterday and she left and while she was out she called him and told him she was moving there in 6 weeks.....he responded by telling her he will start looking for a place for them. I feel like I cant win, If i try to care for her she says I am pushing her to stay and smoothering her but if I dont do anything and act like nothing is going on then I feel like i am pushing her away right into his arms. I really wish this would just end (either way at this point) so all the anger and hurt I am trying to hold in would GO AWAY!!!

LAST, Salinas1 thank you for your comments as well but just like many ppl i have talked to you think I am wrong and need to just walk away. That I am being stupid for staying and putting up with this crap. This is true love for me, I am sure my wife loves me but is confused or something. Yes I need counseling both personal and marriage, that I will not deny.

 
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