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Old 04-17-2004, 07:27 AM   #1
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daisy6 HB User
help me! am i being unreasonable....

..... hi i really need some advice here, i'm 8 mths pregnant and although my sex drive is completely fine my partner has lost his completely as he feels uncomfortable with the baby being so near. this has been ok with me and i have understood 100%, however when our cell phone bills have come it tuns out he has spent a fortune on sex chat lines and downloading images. it seems its me that repulses him and he seems to think he's done nothing wrong as ' at least he hasn't cheated'.

am i being unreasonable??? i thought that we should be dealing with things together, after all my libido's fine and i've felt like i've been missing out while he's going through this and now feel that it's been thrown back in my face.

please help

 
Old 04-17-2004, 11:27 AM   #2
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

It depends on what boundries you have personally set. I believe cybersex on a computer is the same as cheating because the person is going through all the emotions in their mind, just as if doing the act physically. Others see it as a game, sometimes even a weapon to be used on a mate. It all boils down to how you view this behaviour by him with the phone. Oh, he didn't lose his sex drive, he just chose to have it with others, not you. The sad part is, you're 8 months pregnant, didn't say he was your husband, didn't even call him a boyfriend, just a "partner". I really hope you aren't thinking about being dependant on this....ummm...person. This to me has nothing to do with the lack of sex as you post, this to me is about controlling behaviours.

 
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:59 PM   #3
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

Personally I think he should have talked to you about this first.....
I know when my wife was pregnant I was actually SCARED TO DEATH to have sex with my wife. I was afraid i would hurt the baby. I personally find pregnant women to be VERY VERY sexy but I did do the same....I found another way to satify my sexual desires and protect my child (at least in my eyes). My wife got upset too just so you know.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 12:24 AM   #4
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

You guys should both go see your doctor and discuss what is and isn't safe for the baby. There are most likely things you can do to get satisfaction for both of you without actual intercourse. Running to porn and sex chat lines does strike me as very immature, and it wouldn't sit well with me, either if I were in your shoes. Some men have a weird thing about having sex with a pregnant woman, too. That might be something you want to discuss with him as well. Elvis Presley refused to have sex with any woman who had ever given birth. He stopped sleeping with Pricilla and took mistresses after Lisa Marie was born.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 12:49 AM   #5
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

When I was married (thank God for divorce lawyers BTW) my ex H REFUSED to hug me, kiss me, much less anything else. I was so hurt and upset. I never found him doing anything that you described, I couldn't even imagine what you're going thru. I really needed companionship, at least closeness, when I was pregnant and I felt he deserted me when I needed him most. Our marriage was horrible from the get-go. He was an obssessive/control freak but I held onto a lot more anger/resentment from the pregnancy issue more than anything else.
Good luck. I have no advice. Everything I tried, he shot down. If your relationship is otherwise good I would suggest talking to him and even going to therapy TOGETHER. I know some men are scared, but booo freakin' hoooo, so are we. It's one of the most amazing but scariest times in our life. We NEED and DESERVE the attention and NEED to feel wanted and loved. I really hope everything works out for you.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 04:32 AM   #6
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

In my opinion you are not being unreasonable. I would be livid if I were you too. First, because he refused to give you what you need (you can have closeness and orgasm without intercourse if he has some sort of hang up about the baby.) And secondly because he was spending valuable money getting off with someone else on the other line.

As to what to do, I have no idea except to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Someone else suggested counselling for the both of you and that is a good idea too.

My dh was great when I was pregnant and never had any sexual hangups about it. We did it every single night in the last trimester. It is a good thing too because once the baby came, we were rarely able to make love.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 06:05 AM   #7
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

Like discussed before and I agree with Promise here, when this entitles chat I also consider it cheating because the share of emotions from a person to person talk.

When dealing with images of adult models, I don't consider that a threat unless these are amature pictures of girls he met. Looking at the model pictures is just a males way of escapeing to dream world with these girls.

I am sure he loves you and adores you to the fullest extent. Just talk with him to see what he says about his actions. Personally, I believe you have nothing to worry about because adult images is somthing most guys look at at any age. The only thing that concerns me is chatting...does it concern you?

 
Old 04-18-2004, 08:24 AM   #8
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

Quote:
I am sure he loves you and adores you to the fullest extent.
If he does adore her to "the fullest extent," he sure has a very peculiar way of showing it. Correct me if I'm wrong but he is calling sex chat lines and talking to women on the phone while his 8-months pregnant girlfriend is left completely neglected. Where's the "love and adore" part here? I don't care if he is afraid to have sex with a pregnant woman, or whatever his reasons are. Still no excuse to have sex chats with other women, and he's spending a fortune on that, which shows you he's doing it A LOT. And this woman is more than happy to have sex with him, or do other sexual things that would satisfy them both. Imagine a situation where the wife has advanced cancer or some other debilitating disease and is unable to have sex for a period of time. Would it be justifiable if her husband was going for sex elsewhere? Sorry but I just don't buy the "well, he's a man, he needs sex" philosophy. We are not animals. This pregnant woman needs a man who will cherish her, stand by her, and do everything to make her feel good in the time of her pregnancy. She's carrying HIS baby, for god's sake. Can't he have any respect for the mother of his baby? What's next--physical cheating. You'd be surprised but I used to work at a dr's office, and we had this patient who would come and get tests for stds and HIV because while his wife was pregnant, apparently he was having unprotected casual sex with other women. Oh, poor, poor, sexually frustrated man.

Either way, you cannot allow this behavior to continue. I guess talking to him would be the first step and depending what his response is, you have to decide what to do next. Does he know that you're open to sex that doesn't involve intercourse (if he's afraid of hurting the baby)? Bringing him to your doctor for a talk might also help to ease his fears. Good luck with your pregnancy, and hope things work out.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:24 AM   #9
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

I never said that these chats were fine. I am actually against that he is calling and chatting. A one on one communication is a form of cheating in my book.

The point that I am trying to cross is I don't see anything wrong with looking at an adult book because that is something that all men do at any age. This is not a form of cheating...If she spoke to him before about the books and he continues to do it then this would fall in the catagory of respect.

I believe he does love her but does he respect her decisions?

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:37 AM   #10
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
I am sure he loves you and adores you to the fullest extent.
Jeff, I too am confused by this statement. First, how can anyone here know to what extent he does love her. I mean, it sounds nice, but how can you know this? Second, is this really the behavior of someone that loves a women to the "fullest extent"? I guess I have a different concept of how one demonstrates love, especially to the fullest extent.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 07:02 AM   #11
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Re: help me! am i being unreasonable....

You can still love somone while doing wrong. Right now he doesn't see that he is doing any wrong. But by making these call and chat he is. She needs to say something to him..Thats the only way to get the point across.

Looking at adult pictures is not wrong and he can still love her for while he does this. The only time where it is wrong is she says that she doesn't like it.

His doing is wrong but he thinks its going to be ok until otherwise. But the statement to the "fullest extent" is in regards to that he is not with another women and just getting is happiness off in the wrong ways but his love is still there.

 
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