<font color=blue>I need some good advice here please.
I have been married for almost 15 years. Got married very young, I was 19.
Well within the last several years, there is just no spark/magic left in the relationship, and this saddens.
He says that I still turn him on immensely in the bedroom, and it's obvious, so the problem is not there, but with the chemistry and emotional part of the relationship.
BUt, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Treats me like I am a queen, spoils me immensely, shows me love. For instance, just yesterday when I got home from work, he told me he had a surprise for me, and pulled out a box. It was a gorgeous piece of jewellery, that I had been wanting, and he went outlooking for it, and bought it for me. Not just that, but he is a male that takes care of his personal hygience, NOT a slob around the house, helps out, is caring etc. I am very lucky, but I just feel like there is somethng missing from the relationship.
I also think I lack respect for him on some level. Last night, we had an argument, and I said some nasty things to him, that I feel so terrible about today, but I had a very stressful day, not that that;s any excuse for bad behaviour, but I feel so bad about it today.
I don't want to get a divorce, because I don't think I will find a man as good as he is. Sure we have had our problems in the past, but we always managed to get over them.
I wonder if , when the magic goes out of a relationship, does this mean it's truly time to move on, and look for someone else? But if so, then evrytime a relationship loses that spark/fire, you will be constantly moving / flitting from one relationship to another. That doesn't sound any good either.
please help and give me some advice to save my marriage!
I have a solution: give him to me! I want a man who spoils me, gives me nice gifts for no reason, shows me love, and treats me like a queen. And who has a good personal hygiene to boot! You have no respect for him, no problem, I will treat him like a king. Yep. Don't worry, you don't have to feel the least bit guilty. Your man will be in great hands. I've been with nothing but jerks in my entire life, so I will happily take this nice man from you. Just tell me where to pick him up. Thanks! One requirement: he has to be tall. And have good breath.
I call this "cashier syndrome". One can have 500 wonderful happy customers and one bad one. Do we hear about all those wonderful ones? Nope, we hear all about the bad one and ignore all the positive ones. Maybe what you are missing is the abusive husband, the one that demeans you and treats you like crap since thats about all I see this one not doing. In other words, focus on the positives. As with all relationships though, if you're not happy, get out of the relationship. All I ask is you send him to Sophia, she deserves happiness.
Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life.
I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.
I'm with Matt. No need to sling crap. I feel for her. I also ENVY her, but that's another story.
Honeychild......you married young. I'm sure that's a major factor in your problem. What we want at 19 is NOT what we want in a few years down the road. We all learn and grow everyday. Sometimes we learn and grow with our partners, and sometimes not. We also need to be smart enough at 18, 19, and 20 to live our lives and take time for us before settling down. I know, 2weeks after my 18th birthday I married.
I have no sound advice but communication. Be open and honest about your feelings to him. Think of what made you love him in the first place. Do things that you use to do when you were dating. Find that spark and build on it. If all else fails seek therapy before throwing the towel in.
Relationships are good and bad times, hate and love, joy and sorrow all wrapped into one. We have to take the bad times to enjoy the good. I hope you can find your good times again.
Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life. I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.
Must be Judgement Day
(I edited this so Guardian didnt choke on his/her coffee
I settled down at a very similar age to you. The problem is my love is that by settling down so young you've not lived life. You haven't done things according to your age and comparable with your peers. You forced yourself into an adult world at a time you may have looked adult, but mentally were still a child.
You're basically looking for fault with him because you want to get out there and live a bit. Possibly date other guys, relive those 'heart stopping' moments again of the first time you kiss someone or have sex. Go out clubbing, get drunk, girlie nights, etc All very normal. Deep down you know he's good to you and that's why you aren't willing to take the chance of throwing him over in search of a more exciting life, as you would if you were merely dating.
Whether you will get out of this frame of mind who knows. Many women try to but fail. The turning point is usually when the woman is mid 30s-40 and the kids have grown and they realize they are still young enough to start again, and are NOT willing to waste anymore years on a man who no longer ignites their flame.
Your husband sounds kind but he's possibly boring to you. You no longer look forward to the sex part because he's probablymechanical and unimaginative. You want a man who now makes you feel 'alive'. I don't blame ya. Try and make it work, but quite honestly. I'd take that 'feeling' over any kindness or gift a man would buy me.
Personally if I don't feel the "IT" factor, I'm gone. Because otherwise I'd just be married to a 'room-mate' if you get me
I think you and him just need some time alone to bring back the spark to your relationship. When was the last time you went away on a romantic holiday? Do something crazy and silly and maybe then you'll reconnect. It sounds to me like you have a great relationship going. Don't throw it away!
Maybe a few nights of drinking and going out with your girlfriends is exactly what you need to make you realize the value of what you have. It'll be fun for the first couple of times but then you'll feel the emptiness and uselessness of what you are doing and you'll be glad to go home to a loving husband and a nice home.
Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life.
I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.
I didn't see any problem with Sophia or Promisez. There are a hundred folks here more than willing to offer the feel good, you poor dear responses. It is refreshing when there are the occasional, wake up and smell the coffee posts. I am 48 years old and I will never forget the single most effective moment I ever experienced as the receiver of "advice". I was 20 years old. I was stunned by what I heard. It was not at all what I wanted to hear and, at the time, I felt the giver was anything but sensitive to my "feelings". The person that gave me the talking to would have been utterly lambasted by many on this board as being rude and mean spirited. However, I learned big time from that and would like to think I made a significant change of course based on what I heard. I do not know how long it would have taken to make that change had I not received that input in the direct and somewhat harsh manner. I thank that person often for no being afraid to say it like it was to me. I have seen it over and over that people come here to hear what they want to hear and get “offended” when it doesn’t turn out that way. I think both Sophia and Promisez made valid points in their responses.
Matt, you say we should all be happy as possible. I have no idea, in this context what that means. Does it mean she should leave her husband or stay with him. Does it mean she should try hard to create happiness where she is or abandon a loving husband in search for happiness with someone else. What are you proposing her to do to be "as happy as possible"?
Hi, I guess what you have to ask yourself is am I better off with or without him. Another consideration is do you have kids. If so you owe it to these children to stay within a stable marriage whether it makes you feel wonderful or not. It sounds like you are becoming bored with the hum drum unexciting life , well you know not everyone still feels that old time feeling with their spouse 24/7. If more people put aside the ME first attitude this world would be a much better place to live in. If you have kids your priority should be to stay with man you married and not screw up their life. Remember the grass may not be greener on the other side. Regards Been there and done that!!
Im with Salinas. Sometimes the best advice is the hardest to hear. At least its true in my case. suck it up. I did and am grateful for people who were blunt with me.
I'm frequently being told I'm too blunt when people ask for advice. However when I'm proved right, people change their interpretation of me as honest. Go figure.
I have a solution: give him to me!...Your man will be in great hands. I've been with nothing but jerks in my entire life, so I will happily take this nice man from you.
Hey now, wait a minute, I want in on this too!!! LOL! Seriously, I haven't read all the posts but in the original post, I didn't really hear a problem. Things are still great in the bedroom, he loves you, you love him, he cleans up after himself, etc etc. The original poster did mention a lack of respect. Perhaps a nice sit-down heart to heart talk about how you've been feeling. How you love him and appreciate his gifts and love and attentiveness but "when you speak to me like this or do that, I feel the other etc..." or perhaps a counseling session or two. Marriage counseling doesn't necessarily mean "uh oh, we're breaking up." Marriage is work. It just sounds like yours just needs a little maintenance, that's all.
<font color=blue>I need some good advice here please.
I have been married for almost 15 years. Got married very young, I was 19.
Well within the last several years, there is just no spark/magic left in the relationship, and this saddens.
He says that I still turn him on immensely in the bedroom, and it's obvious, so the problem is not there, but with the chemistry and emotional part of the relationship.
BUt, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Treats me like I am a queen, spoils me immensely, shows me love. For instance, just yesterday when I got home from work, he told me he had a surprise for me, and pulled out a box. It was a gorgeous piece of jewellery, that I had been wanting, and he went outlooking for it, and bought it for me. Not just that, but he is a male that takes care of his personal hygience, NOT a slob around the house, helps out, is caring etc. I am very lucky, but I just feel like there is somethng missing from the relationship.
I also think I lack respect for him on some level. Last night, we had an argument, and I said some nasty things to him, that I feel so terrible about today, but I had a very stressful day, not that that;s any excuse for bad behaviour, but I feel so bad about it today.
I don't want to get a divorce, because I don't think I will find a man as good as he is. Sure we have had our problems in the past, but we always managed to get over them.
I wonder if , when the magic goes out of a relationship, does this mean it's truly time to move on, and look for someone else? But if so, then evrytime a relationship loses that spark/fire, you will be constantly moving / flitting from one relationship to another. That doesn't sound any good either.
please help and give me some advice to save my marriage!
Thank you in Advance</font color>
Honeychild - Your post reads Please Help Me Save My Marriage -
First of all...Good for you! Your not asking for a divorce, your not asking to cheat on your husband...You just want that loving feeling back.
So you have a great husband and you know it, getting that Spark back into the relationship...Well, you've got your husband right by your side so go back to dating him again...like it was when your 19..
Put on those Old Tunes the two of you used to listen to, go to a second hand store and buy some clothes that were in..15 yrs ago..and have a Dance Party...Your marriage has become a habit, same old same old..
Well, you can look back at the happy times and also Start Up something New as a new phase in your marriage...You got a great guy with you so why not go on a vacation, invest in a second summer home if you can afford it, think of a new adventure that you & your husband/your bestfriend can do.
When the magic goes in the relationship...It's time to redefine the magic and come up with NEW things with yourself and your husband. YES, it's normal to see that passion die...Your with your husband day in and day out, we on this board are not. You know those little things he does that bugs you because you have been married so long. They used to be cute in the beginning and now they annoy you. But as you said...You have a great husband, and you must be a great wife too...Because of how well he treats you Even after 15 yrs of marriage..HE is Still bringing you surprises..
Now, think of Surprising HIM with something.....
WOW! THANK YOU so much to ALL of you who responded. You are all so kind and helpful. I did not think any of your responses were unkind or uncalled for. Not at all. Sometimes when one is caught up in a situation like mine, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, if you know what I mean.
An update:
The next morning after our argument, I called him at work, with my tail between my legs, to apologize for my behaviour. He really must think he has a rather "batty wife" at home.
So I apologized for my irrational behaviour, and all he could say was "don't worry about it, it's okay." And all he was worried about was me. Telling me to make sure to have something to eat before I go to work, as I didn't want to neglect myself. He is a very caring man. Even when he got home that night, he went out and got us takeaway food for dinner. He is so kind, how he doesn't hold grudges or resentments. He says "how could I stay mad at you"? He is sweet.
Someone mentioned that i should surprise him, as he is kind enough to buy me presents and such. Well, I did surprise him in a rather intimate way, but that was BEFORE our argument.
I have tosay after reading some of the responses, it makes me appreciate what I got. He is a very tolerant, patient man, maybe too patient to put up with the likes of me. Honestly, I wonder sometimes what I ever did to deserve someone like him. I have gone through some rough times in my life, especially with men. Had an extremely abusive father, and had trust issues with men. My husband is the exact opposite. I think that I was glad to havesomeone so opposite, because I had enough of that kind of suffering at the hands of men. There were other issues with men in my life too back then.
Again, thank you all so much. I think I need to appreciate what i got, and make it better. Just got figure out how to get that spark back, or maybe I am expecting too much. I do think it's true that day-to-day living can become a bit routine.
No, we don't have any children yet even though we been married almost 15 years, but next year looks like the year possibly.
I settled down at a very similar age to you. The problem is my love is that by settling down so young you've not lived life. You haven't done things according to your age and comparable with your peers. You forced yourself into an adult world at a time you may have looked adult, but mentally were still a child.
You're basically looking for fault with him because you want to get out there and live a bit. Possibly date other guys, relive those 'heart stopping' moments again of the first time you kiss someone or have sex. Go out clubbing, get drunk, girlie nights, etc All very normal. Deep down you know he's good to you and that's why you aren't willing to take the chance of throwing him over in search of a more exciting life, as you would if you were merely dating.
Whether you will get out of this frame of mind who knows. Many women try to but fail. The turning point is usually when the woman is mid 30s-40 and the kids have grown and they realize they are still young enough to start again, and are NOT willing to waste anymore years on a man who no longer ignites their flame.
Your husband sounds kind but he's possibly boring to you. You no longer look forward to the sex part because he's probablymechanical and unimaginative. You want a man who now makes you feel 'alive'. I don't blame ya. Try and make it work, but quite honestly. I'd take that 'feeling' over any kindness or gift a man would buy me.
Personally if I don't feel the "IT" factor, I'm gone. Because otherwise I'd just be married to a 'room-mate' if you get me
Hi MadskillzGal
I just had a quick question for you.
Eventually most if not all relationships will settle into something less intense and full of "fire" like it was in the beginning. That is if ther is going to be any longevity to the relationship, then this is bound to happen, right? Or have you been in a long term relationship (I mean several years) where that first intensity and "in love" sparks/chemistry continued constantly.
So if it does settle to something more "stable" in the relationshp, what does one do? Should one pick up, move on to the next man, and when that relationships' fire starts to dissipate, move on to another man?
I don't know about that. It seems to be a doomed cycle, if one expects there to be constant intensity/passion like it was in the beginnng when two people are first together.
Agree or not?
anyone else want to share their thoughts on this please?
I've read some of your other posts, Honey, and I really do think you are at a very interesting point in your life. Please don't overreact when I say this or take it the wrong way, but I think you might benefit from speaking with a psychiatrist or therapist. I don't think you are crazy or anything like that, I just think that someone like that, unbiased and open ears, could help you sort some things out.
I think you are like all people. I certainly don't think your situation is unusual. You seem to be searching for a deeper and true-er (that is not a word, I know) meaning and value in life. A lot of people roam about like this, and their jobs, *relationships*, health, etc. are affected.
For me, it was not until I grew spiritually that things changed, and for the better. I'm still growing and still changing. I always will be.
There is no quick and easy answer/solution for what you seem to be going through.
It is a process, a part of life. And guess what...you've just got to live through it.
Find someone who can help you out. Many hours of pondering, talking with friends, husband, yourself, etc. are ahead of you. I encourage you to spend time spiritually, perhaps seeking "the higher power that you believe in." (I'm trying to be politically correct here, hah). If you are not religious, I am biased in that I think all should be. You may disagree with me, but either way, I think that human conversation with someone like a psyhiatrist would help you out a lot.
Good luck.
Thanks so much for taking the time to help me out, LittleLostSoul
Spirituality is VERY important to me, and i truly think that's where I am lacking somewhat. I think once that opens up for me, it will be easier to be happy and accepting of other aspects of my life. ACtually,I notice that when I start to accept myself more and be more tolerant towards myself, I can accept my husband more and others too, and their failings, and not be as harsh or as critical.
Do you mind if I ask you what your "spiriituality" is in your life?
Eventually most if not all relationships will settle into something less intense and full of "fire" like it was in the beginning. That is if ther is going to be any longevity to the relationship, then this is bound to happen, right? Or have you been in a long term relationship (I mean several years) where that first intensity and "in love" sparks/chemistry continued constantly.
So if it does settle to something more "stable" in the relationshp, what does one do? Should one pick up, move on to the next man, and when that relationships' fire starts to dissipate, move on to another man?
I don't know about that. It seems to be a doomed cycle, if one expects there to be constant intensity/passion like it was in the beginnng when two people are first together.
Agree or not?
anyone else want to share their thoughts on this please?
Thanks
Honeychild
Well to answer your question I'm 36 and spent almost 16 years with the same husband before conceding defeat. So I think I can qualify for the 'several years' status.
For me, I just grew more and more discontented by the day. I got to a stage that I had never really recognized in myself before, I started really having sexually rampant thoughts and at first my husband thought it was great and then I found myself looking at our real differences. He wasn't imaginative in bed and I started to dread sex because it had been the same ole same ole each day, each year. Intellectually we were both on completely different planes too. He would buy little presents now and again but they lacked real thought and creativity - the usual crappy box of chocolates or flowers. To me it was meaningless because there was no effort in anything and towards the final few years if I dared to actually insinuate there were real problems then he would get very abusive and insulting.
I dont actually know if I could settle down again. I LOVE and I mean LOVE being single. I get to get the best of men as and when I WANT it. I own my own house, I work, I mean I don't actually NEED a man as such.....well only sometimes
Of course, I'm not even going to pretend I'm just a scorned woman with no heart. I like to give that aura sometimes, but for those who know me well, I'm a sucker at times myself. I'll quite happily admit I've fallen for the wrong men. And fallen hard.
I don't want that level of STABILITY anymore....where we settle into cosydom. I don't want a partner who I will take for granted or vice versa. If I ever marry again it's GOT to be someone I'm crazy about in every way - they have to keep me stimulated mentally and physically and I expect to do the same. I'm not a teenager anymore, so what was important to me back then isn't important now...infact my requirements back then were downright silly so I don't expect to make the same mistakes.
If I had to choose either settling down and having boring stability or not settling down and having the company of a few select men who constantly make the effort...I'll take the latter every time.
To comment on your sentence about it seems a 'doomed cycle' I would argue that to stay within a lifeless marriage is about as doomed as you could ever get. It is only once you step outside that box you are able to fully appreciate all the endless possibilities available to you. We are taught the grass isn't always greener on the other side. In some cases that's true. However sometimes IT IS!!!!! A lot of women venture outside their marriage and NEVER go back....what does that tell you? The grass can be greener on the other side.
I've never understood why women or men tolerate situations simply because of a marriage licence. They wouldn't tolerate it if dating. I mean how many boyfriends in the past have you ditched because they weren't loving enough or they bored you? Well agreed marriage isn't tantamount to dating in any respect, but I think someone somewhere has to draw the line and say ENOUGH so further years don't go down the drain. You have one life only....life it and be happy.
Before people say that's not fair on the spouse I would argue....if I was married to someone and they thought I was crap in bed or they were bored with me, I'd want them to let me go so I could find someone who would appreciate me. I myself wouldn't want to be with someone who could only highlight my negatives.
Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 04-20-2004 at 01:44 AM.
Well to answer your question I'm 36 and spent almost 16 years with the same husband before conceding defeat. So I think I can qualify for the 'several years' status.
For me, I just grew more and more discontented by the day. I got to a stage that I had never really recognized in myself before, I started really having sexually rampant thoughts and at first my husband thought it was great and then I found myself looking at our real differences. He wasn't imaginative in bed and I started to dread sex because it had been the same ole same ole each day, each year. Intellectually we were both on completely different planes too. He would buy little presents now and again but they lacked real thought and creativity - the usual crappy box of chocolates or flowers. To me it was meaningless because there was no effort in anything and towards the final few years if I dared to actually insinuate there were real problems then he would get very abusive and insulting.
I dont actually know if I could settle down again. I LOVE and I mean LOVE being single. I get to get the best of men as and when I WANT it. I own my own house, I work, I mean I don't actually NEED a man as such.....well only sometimes
Of course, I'm not even going to pretend I'm just a scorned woman with no heart. I like to give that aura sometimes, but for those who know me well, I'm a sucker at times myself. I'll quite happily admit I've fallen for the wrong men. And fallen hard.
I don't want that level of STABILITY anymore....where we settle into cosydom. I don't want a partner who I will take for granted or vice versa. If I ever marry again it's GOT to be someone I'm crazy about in every way - they have to keep me stimulated mentally and physically and I expect to do the same. I'm not a teenager anymore, so what was important to me back then isn't important now...infact my requirements back then were downright silly so I don't expect to make the same mistakes.
If I had to choose either settling down and having boring stability or not settling down and having the company of a few select men who constantly make the effort...I'll take the latter every time.
To comment on your sentence about it seems a 'doomed cycle' I would argue that to stay within a lifeless marriage is about as doomed as you could ever get. It is only once you step outside that box you are able to fully appreciate all the endless possibilities available to you. We are taught the grass isn't always greener on the other side. In some cases that's true. However sometimes IT IS!!!!! A lot of women venture outside their marriage and NEVER go back....what does that tell you? The grass can be greener on the other side.
I've never understood why women or men tolerate situations simply because of a marriage licence. They wouldn't tolerate it if dating. I mean how many boyfriends in the past have you ditched because they weren't loving enough or they bored you? Well agreed marriage isn't tantamount to dating in any respect, but I think someone somewhere has to draw the line and say ENOUGH so further years don't go down the drain. You have one life only....life it and be happy.
Before people say that's not fair on the spouse I would argue....if I was married to someone and they thought I was crap in bed or they were bored with me, I'd want them to let me go so I could find someone who would appreciate me. I myself wouldn't want to be with someone who could only highlight my negatives.
Hi MadSkillzGal
Hmm, well, that's given me a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, because some of it resonated within me, I guess. I normally like to refute or debate these kinds of points, but I can't think of much to refute here.
Except this. You say that you rather be witha select few. What happens when that "select few" become "boring" to you. do you ditch them soon after for another, and another and another? Sometimes it sounds a bit like an adrenaline/excitement "junkie" almost.
What happens when you get older in life, and no longer "attracting" men you want, or if your looks change with age and men are no longer attracted to you, and want a young thing? Will you end up having to live on your own indefinitely when you get older? I have a friend who just recently split up with her defacto, her choice. Now sshe said to me one night before leaving for her home,"oh well, I guess I will go home now with nothing more to do than look at the four walls tonight". I found that sad.
Seems there are more people who regret leaving their life partner for the "greener grass", than those that are "happier" about divorcing. Thats been my experience of others who have chosen to leave because of monotony/boredom.
I think when people make these tough choices in life, they need to remember that these are decisions that will affect their future long term, and they will have to live with the consequences of sszuch and the "grass not always being greener".
I think for me, when it comes down to it, would I feel better with my husband out of my life? NO. No way.
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage 
