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Old 04-18-2004, 07:02 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Honeychild HB User
Please Help Me Save My Marriage

<font color=blue>I need some good advice here please.

I have been married for almost 15 years. Got married very young, I was 19.

Well within the last several years, there is just no spark/magic left in the relationship, and this saddens.

He says that I still turn him on immensely in the bedroom, and it's obvious, so the problem is not there, but with the chemistry and emotional part of the relationship.

BUt, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Treats me like I am a queen, spoils me immensely, shows me love. For instance, just yesterday when I got home from work, he told me he had a surprise for me, and pulled out a box. It was a gorgeous piece of jewellery, that I had been wanting, and he went outlooking for it, and bought it for me. Not just that, but he is a male that takes care of his personal hygience, NOT a slob around the house, helps out, is caring etc. I am very lucky, but I just feel like there is somethng missing from the relationship.
I also think I lack respect for him on some level. Last night, we had an argument, and I said some nasty things to him, that I feel so terrible about today, but I had a very stressful day, not that that;s any excuse for bad behaviour, but I feel so bad about it today.

I don't want to get a divorce, because I don't think I will find a man as good as he is. Sure we have had our problems in the past, but we always managed to get over them.

I wonder if , when the magic goes out of a relationship, does this mean it's truly time to move on, and look for someone else? But if so, then evrytime a relationship loses that spark/fire, you will be constantly moving / flitting from one relationship to another. That doesn't sound any good either.

please help and give me some advice to save my marriage!

Thank you in Advance</font color>

 
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Old 04-18-2004, 08:41 PM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I have a solution: give him to me! I want a man who spoils me, gives me nice gifts for no reason, shows me love, and treats me like a queen. And who has a good personal hygiene to boot! You have no respect for him, no problem, I will treat him like a king. Yep. Don't worry, you don't have to feel the least bit guilty. Your man will be in great hands. I've been with nothing but jerks in my entire life, so I will happily take this nice man from you. Just tell me where to pick him up. Thanks! One requirement: he has to be tall. And have good breath.

Last edited by SophiaM; 04-18-2004 at 08:44 PM.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 09:19 PM   #3
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promisez HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I call this "cashier syndrome". One can have 500 wonderful happy customers and one bad one. Do we hear about all those wonderful ones? Nope, we hear all about the bad one and ignore all the positive ones. Maybe what you are missing is the abusive husband, the one that demeans you and treats you like crap since thats about all I see this one not doing. In other words, focus on the positives. As with all relationships though, if you're not happy, get out of the relationship. All I ask is you send him to Sophia, she deserves happiness.

Last edited by promisez; 04-18-2004 at 11:18 PM.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 10:12 PM   #4
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Matt1981 HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life.
I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 10:19 PM   #5
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Weeping Willow HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I'm with Matt. No need to sling crap. I feel for her. I also ENVY her, but that's another story.
Honeychild......you married young. I'm sure that's a major factor in your problem. What we want at 19 is NOT what we want in a few years down the road. We all learn and grow everyday. Sometimes we learn and grow with our partners, and sometimes not. We also need to be smart enough at 18, 19, and 20 to live our lives and take time for us before settling down. I know, 2weeks after my 18th birthday I married.
I have no sound advice but communication. Be open and honest about your feelings to him. Think of what made you love him in the first place. Do things that you use to do when you were dating. Find that spark and build on it. If all else fails seek therapy before throwing the towel in.
Relationships are good and bad times, hate and love, joy and sorrow all wrapped into one. We have to take the bad times to enjoy the good. I hope you can find your good times again.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 11:15 PM   #6
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promisez HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt1981
Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life.
I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.
Must be Judgement Day

(I edited this so Guardian didnt choke on his/her coffee

Last edited by promisez; 04-19-2004 at 05:25 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 02:36 AM   #7
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I settled down at a very similar age to you. The problem is my love is that by settling down so young you've not lived life. You haven't done things according to your age and comparable with your peers. You forced yourself into an adult world at a time you may have looked adult, but mentally were still a child.

You're basically looking for fault with him because you want to get out there and live a bit. Possibly date other guys, relive those 'heart stopping' moments again of the first time you kiss someone or have sex. Go out clubbing, get drunk, girlie nights, etc All very normal. Deep down you know he's good to you and that's why you aren't willing to take the chance of throwing him over in search of a more exciting life, as you would if you were merely dating.

Whether you will get out of this frame of mind who knows. Many women try to but fail. The turning point is usually when the woman is mid 30s-40 and the kids have grown and they realize they are still young enough to start again, and are NOT willing to waste anymore years on a man who no longer ignites their flame.

Your husband sounds kind but he's possibly boring to you. You no longer look forward to the sex part because he's probablymechanical and unimaginative. You want a man who now makes you feel 'alive'. I don't blame ya. Try and make it work, but quite honestly. I'd take that 'feeling' over any kindness or gift a man would buy me.

Personally if I don't feel the "IT" factor, I'm gone. Because otherwise I'd just be married to a 'room-mate' if you get me

 
Old 04-19-2004, 05:18 AM   #8
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ana_24 HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I think you and him just need some time alone to bring back the spark to your relationship. When was the last time you went away on a romantic holiday? Do something crazy and silly and maybe then you'll reconnect. It sounds to me like you have a great relationship going. Don't throw it away!

Maybe a few nights of drinking and going out with your girlfriends is exactly what you need to make you realize the value of what you have. It'll be fun for the first couple of times but then you'll feel the emptiness and uselessness of what you are doing and you'll be glad to go home to a loving husband and a nice home.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 05:39 AM   #9
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt1981
Wow, I'm a little surprised by the negative responses so far. I'm 22 and unmarried, so I'm probably not really qualified to comment.
But, Sophia and Promisez, I can say that we should all be as happy as possible. No need to drag people down because they are trying to improve their life.
I'm sorry I can't help, Honeychild, but I wish you all the best.
I didn't see any problem with Sophia or Promisez. There are a hundred folks here more than willing to offer the feel good, you poor dear responses. It is refreshing when there are the occasional, wake up and smell the coffee posts. I am 48 years old and I will never forget the single most effective moment I ever experienced as the receiver of "advice". I was 20 years old. I was stunned by what I heard. It was not at all what I wanted to hear and, at the time, I felt the giver was anything but sensitive to my "feelings". The person that gave me the talking to would have been utterly lambasted by many on this board as being rude and mean spirited. However, I learned big time from that and would like to think I made a significant change of course based on what I heard. I do not know how long it would have taken to make that change had I not received that input in the direct and somewhat harsh manner. I thank that person often for no being afraid to say it like it was to me. I have seen it over and over that people come here to hear what they want to hear and get “offended” when it doesn’t turn out that way. I think both Sophia and Promisez made valid points in their responses.

Matt, you say we should all be happy as possible. I have no idea, in this context what that means. Does it mean she should leave her husband or stay with him. Does it mean she should try hard to create happiness where she is or abandon a loving husband in search for happiness with someone else. What are you proposing her to do to be "as happy as possible"?

Last edited by Salinas1; 04-19-2004 at 05:40 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 05:54 AM   #10
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bridget 48 HB User
Thumbs down Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Hi, I guess what you have to ask yourself is am I better off with or without him. Another consideration is do you have kids. If so you owe it to these children to stay within a stable marriage whether it makes you feel wonderful or not. It sounds like you are becoming bored with the hum drum unexciting life , well you know not everyone still feels that old time feeling with their spouse 24/7. If more people put aside the ME first attitude this world would be a much better place to live in. If you have kids your priority should be to stay with man you married and not screw up their life. Remember the grass may not be greener on the other side. Regards Been there and done that!!

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:52 AM   #11
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haylee31 HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I have been with my hubby for 22 years. I was only 16

when we met. We have four kids and still going strong 22

years later. We have had times over the 22 years were we

have been bored with each other but its temporary. Hang

in there good chance things will work out given time and

even try counsling. best of luck Haylee

 
Old 04-19-2004, 08:08 AM   #12
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annebash HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Im with Salinas. Sometimes the best advice is the hardest to hear. At least its true in my case. suck it up. I did and am grateful for people who were blunt with me.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 08:17 AM   #13
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

I'm frequently being told I'm too blunt when people ask for advice. However when I'm proved right, people change their interpretation of me as honest. Go figure.

Sadly the truth isn't always pretty.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 01:38 PM   #14
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I have a solution: give him to me!...Your man will be in great hands. I've been with nothing but jerks in my entire life, so I will happily take this nice man from you.

Hey now, wait a minute, I want in on this too!!! LOL! Seriously, I haven't read all the posts but in the original post, I didn't really hear a problem. Things are still great in the bedroom, he loves you, you love him, he cleans up after himself, etc etc. The original poster did mention a lack of respect. Perhaps a nice sit-down heart to heart talk about how you've been feeling. How you love him and appreciate his gifts and love and attentiveness but "when you speak to me like this or do that, I feel the other etc..." or perhaps a counseling session or two. Marriage counseling doesn't necessarily mean "uh oh, we're breaking up." Marriage is work. It just sounds like yours just needs a little maintenance, that's all.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:55 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Please Help Me Save My Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeychild
<font color=blue>I need some good advice here please.

I have been married for almost 15 years. Got married very young, I was 19.

Well within the last several years, there is just no spark/magic left in the relationship, and this saddens.

He says that I still turn him on immensely in the bedroom, and it's obvious, so the problem is not there, but with the chemistry and emotional part of the relationship.

BUt, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Treats me like I am a queen, spoils me immensely, shows me love. For instance, just yesterday when I got home from work, he told me he had a surprise for me, and pulled out a box. It was a gorgeous piece of jewellery, that I had been wanting, and he went outlooking for it, and bought it for me. Not just that, but he is a male that takes care of his personal hygience, NOT a slob around the house, helps out, is caring etc. I am very lucky, but I just feel like there is somethng missing from the relationship.
I also think I lack respect for him on some level. Last night, we had an argument, and I said some nasty things to him, that I feel so terrible about today, but I had a very stressful day, not that that;s any excuse for bad behaviour, but I feel so bad about it today.

I don't want to get a divorce, because I don't think I will find a man as good as he is. Sure we have had our problems in the past, but we always managed to get over them.

I wonder if , when the magic goes out of a relationship, does this mean it's truly time to move on, and look for someone else? But if so, then evrytime a relationship loses that spark/fire, you will be constantly moving / flitting from one relationship to another. That doesn't sound any good either.

please help and give me some advice to save my marriage!

Thank you in Advance</font color>
Honeychild - Your post reads Please Help Me Save My Marriage -

First of all...Good for you! Your not asking for a divorce, your not asking to cheat on your husband...You just want that loving feeling back.
So you have a great husband and you know it, getting that Spark back into the relationship...Well, you've got your husband right by your side so go back to dating him again...like it was when your 19..
Put on those Old Tunes the two of you used to listen to, go to a second hand store and buy some clothes that were in..15 yrs ago..and have a Dance Party...Your marriage has become a habit, same old same old..
Well, you can look back at the happy times and also Start Up something New as a new phase in your marriage...You got a great guy with you so why not go on a vacation, invest in a second summer home if you can afford it, think of a new adventure that you & your husband/your bestfriend can do.

When the magic goes in the relationship...It's time to redefine the magic and come up with NEW things with yourself and your husband. YES, it's normal to see that passion die...Your with your husband day in and day out, we on this board are not. You know those little things he does that bugs you because you have been married so long. They used to be cute in the beginning and now they annoy you. But as you said...You have a great husband, and you must be a great wife too...Because of how well he treats you Even after 15 yrs of marriage..HE is Still bringing you surprises..
Now, think of Surprising HIM with something.....

Good Luck!

 
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