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Old 04-18-2004, 11:53 PM   #1
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KittyKat24 HB User
Why Now??

I feel like I'm going crazy...maybe someone can help me...

This past summer I met a really great guy. We either talked to each other or saw each other every single day for the first month of going out, then we settled down to seeing each other a few times a week for the next two months. He was the first one to say "I love you" and brought up the topic of marriage and kids, etc. In the very beginning I had some niggling doubts as to whether we would stay together for a long time, due to religious differences, and our individual outlooks on life (quite different). But the more time I spent with him, the came to believe that these differences didn't matter to me, and that as long as we communicated and talked about everything, I didn't have a problem with anything. But...as they say "all good things must come to an end" and in November we were talking about where we saw ourselves 10 years from now...and the talk went on to getting married, having children, raising children when parents have such different spiritual backgrounds, etc. and he told me that he couldn't see himself raising children with a wife whose beliefs are so different from his own. Then he told me how he wanted to raise his children and it was quite different from how I've always imagined myself doing it...anyways - to make a long story short, we talked about everything relating to the future for both of us, and I realized that those doubts I had had at the beginning, he was now having, and thinking about. So, we broke up, but said we'd remain friends. The first 3 weeks I was so upset. We were still talking and hanging out together as much as we had when we were going out, so I always put on a happy face when I was with him, but at home I was crying every time I thought about him. After those first weeks, I realized that all my crying wasn't going to change anything, so I became determined to be a really good friend to him and I ended up really enjoying just being with him in a "friend" capacity. I also saw him objectively, and realized that it was good we broke up when we did, before it had progressed too far, and just through talking with him, I realized how different we actually are, and that we're not "right" for each other romantically.

Phew!

Now...it's 5 months later and I've been having a great time hanging out with him, doing buddy stuff, etc. but in the past month I've started crying about him all over again, and I don't understand why!! He's also started working at another job, which doesn't give him lots of extra time to hang out with friends (he's working 7 days a week in 2 restaurants), but I find myself missing him incredibly and if I don't talk to him for a week or two I get horribly upset and imagine all sorts of scenarios, like he's out with his church friends and having a good time without me, or he's out meeting new girls, or he's met a new girl and is spending all his time with her. Ack!! I really don't want to feel this way and I really want to stop crying over him. He is a wonderful guy, and I want him to be happy, so I don't know why I'd be jealous of him meeting someone new and going out with her...it's just driving me nuts trying to figure out why I'm so upset all the time!

Can anyone help?

 
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Old 04-19-2004, 04:03 AM   #2
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Why Now??

Well I'm sure everyone will disagree and tell me it's really 'great' to be friends with someone after a relationship split. I totally DISAGREE in the strongest terms, well at least until space and time have been given. You cannot just leap from a romantic loving relationship into being friends. The head and the heart can't cope with it.

The reason you are still crying is because you haven't let go in any way. You are continuing to hang out with the guy and although you may not be sleeping together anymore, he's still very much part of your life so your head hasn't had to deal with the rainbow of emotions that come from a relationship split. Therefore when he's seeing other girls, you're acting jealous and hurt. Because subconsciously he's still your bf.

You need to let go at least for the time being and put some space between you. I was like this with someone once and I used to heap more and more hurt (and he did too!) upon myself because I figured I'd rather be hurt than to totally let go. What a fool I was with hindsight, because after I was forced to let go, after a few weeks I felt soooooooooo much better. My head was clearer and my decisions were derived from a clear mind and slowly but surely I realized that I didn't want nor need him or another person like him in my life at all.

Men are very selfish and ignorant at times. They 'know' you have feelings for them but they still continue to 'let you know' of their new girlfriends etc. Anyone who has such poor regard to your feeling really deserves to have no place in your life. After all if someone had lost a baby you wouldn't go to their house and boast about your baby would you? you'd be careful of their feelings......maybe a slightly controversial metaphor...but I think you see my point.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 04:55 AM   #3
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Bigbay HB User
Re: Why Now??

Mad you are right in one way put wrong in another. Why can't people still be friend after a break up. Just because people have diff way of life does not mean they have to hate each other. It is a good thing that they found out early that they have diff in life. Too many people find out after the marry that they are not the same. When people break up badly, it make people with comments like yours, it but a chip on their shoulder for the other sex and they take it to next next person and the next ant the next.... This is how bashing starts.

KittyKat24, I am very glad to hear you make a very sound chose in your life. It will take time to go on in life. I think it is good for people to be good friends first before getting married. Maybe being good friends might put you two together later, if you to really love each other. Being friends will give you the time to really see if you can work things out or not. Who knows you two could change in life. Hang in there, do not worry, it will take the heart time to heal.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 05:01 AM   #4
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Why Now??

Nowhere in my post do I say people have to hate each other. But my point is this...it's very easy to turn a friend into a lover....it's bloody difficult to turn that lover back into a friend. Because lines have been crossed that only lovers cross and feelings start to come into it. It's easy to see a friend in a romantic light. It's very difficult to be just a friend with someone you've loved or been intimate with because very rarely do two people walk away from a relationship feeling nothing but friendship. One person, at least, usually leaves it feeling completely sick to the stomach because they still loved that person and you cannot just be friends then, because that person will continue to look and hope for signs that they are not 'just friends' and that's when it gets messy.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 08:37 AM   #5
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Why Now??

The close BF/GF relationship that you both once had has grown into a close friendship now. His caring for you has never stopped but he sees you more as a bestfriend now than anything else. I am sorry that you can't control your feelings for him but I don't want to see you in pain either.

You have mentioned that you both hang as buddy's but he is still meeting other girls. I am sure he may be a great guy and thats why you both asre still such great friends but see doesn't see the future as a family with you at this time.

Its hard to tell what the future may bring and the future may bring his warm heart back to you but for now you need to take this guy as a close friend and don't let your emotions for him in the way. Its ok to talk to him about it but don't do it in such a way that you may lose him.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 09:03 AM   #6
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trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: Why Now??

I have to agree with madskill. I am not saying that being friends after being lovers isn't possible because for some it is possible and I have seen it happen once to people that I know. But, I tried to be friends with my bf after we broke up and it most certainly did not work at all. We ended up parting ways never to see each other again and that turned out to be the better decision.

In my opinion, as long as you continue to see one another on a friends only basis, it will only cause you heartache.

 
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