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Old 04-19-2004, 08:54 AM   #1
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Weeping Willow HB User
Help me help my friend

My best friend since the 7th grade is depressed. The story may be long but here's her deal. I would appreciate any words of wisdom to help her cope w/ this.

In Dec. she started seeing this guy. He had just gotten out of jail AGAIN. He has NO job, NO car, and all he does is hang out with his "buddies" and go clubbing. He's not even suppose to be in a bar BTW.
Right after they started talking she gave him a key to her house. He would come there to eat, sleep, and hang out with his friends. Most of the time she would be at work when he would come by. There were times "his friends" would bring girls there. It never phased her. I can't understand that. She has a daughter and that is their home. Not the Holiday Inn. It's untelling what diseases they could have drug in there. The first month or so he stayed w/ her often. Then it started slacking off to almost nothing. He would never call her, when she called him he would promise to call her back......never did. For some odd reason she fell madly in love w/ this loser.
About 2weeks ago she ran into him at the club. He was all up on this skanky girl. When it upset my friend he told her she was nothing but a lay and they weren't dating. He came to get his clothes last week and left her key on the counter.
She's so upset. She calls him daily from payphones and other friends cell phones, she drives by his house, etc... She says she has to talk to him to tell him that she loves him. She thinks those magical words will make him fall to his knees.
I know she's hurting and I feel for her. She's in the boat I'm in, problems at work, bills, her car was repoed last month, etc.... I know all that will make the heartache seem worse. I have no idea on what to say to her. I have tried telling her she's better off, things will get better, blah blah blah but it's useless. What else can I do?

 
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Old 04-19-2004, 09:04 AM   #2
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Re: Help me help my friend

God what a hard one because we've all been in the position of being you AND your friend. meaning we've all loved someone who's not loved us or taken the pi$$ out of us, and we've all also been you, having to pick someone up from this mess.

There really isn't anything you CAN tell her or do. A woman in love, or at least THINKS she's in love, is like a dog with a bone. She cannot comprehend WHY this man doesn't love her and she will somersault through many hoops for him before she will FINALLY get the message. And that's when you need to be there. Right at the end, when she gets the message that everyone else saw weeks/months ago. And that is the meaning of friendship.

Sorry I couldn't offer more immediate advice but honestly, she's not going to listen right now because she thinks she understands his 'inner self' even though you and I know he's just a dawg.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 09:22 AM   #3
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Re: Help me help my friend

It sounds like she has a horrible self-esteem problem. She doesn't think enough of herself to think that she deserves someone better than this loser. The only thing that you can do as her friend is tell her that she is worth more than this guy and she deserves better. Also try to make her see that she is teaching her daughter that it is ok for a woman to be treated poorly and that it is ok to desperately go after a loser. She needs counselling too but with her money problems that may not be practical.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 10:40 AM   #4
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Weeping Willow
My best friend since the 7th grade is depressed. The story may be long but here's her deal. I would appreciate any words of wisdom to help her cope w/ this.

In Dec. she started seeing this guy. He had just gotten out of jail AGAIN. He has NO job, NO car, and all he does is hang out with his "buddies" and go clubbing. He's not even suppose to be in a bar BTW.
Right after they started talking she gave him a key to her house. He would come there to eat, sleep, and hang out with his friends. Most of the time she would be at work when he would come by. There were times "his friends" would bring girls there. It never phased her. I can't understand that. She has a daughter and that is their home. Not the Holiday Inn. It's untelling what diseases they could have drug in there. The first month or so he stayed w/ her often. Then it started slacking off to almost nothing. He would never call her, when she called him he would promise to call her back......never did. For some odd reason she fell madly in love w/ this loser.
About 2weeks ago she ran into him at the club. He was all up on this skanky girl. When it upset my friend he told her she was nothing but a lay and they weren't dating. He came to get his clothes last week and left her key on the counter.
She's so upset. She calls him daily from payphones and other friends cell phones, she drives by his house, etc... She says she has to talk to him to tell him that she loves him. She thinks those magical words will make him fall to his knees.
I know she's hurting and I feel for her. She's in the boat I'm in, problems at work, bills, her car was repoed last month, etc.... I know all that will make the heartache seem worse. I have no idea on what to say to her. I have tried telling her she's better off, things will get better, blah blah blah but it's useless. What else can I do?

Is this the first real love that she has ever had or in a long time. Its looking to me she never really had this attention living alone and thats why she is so clingy to him.

She will eventually get over this but it takes time. Since you both having a tough time spend time with her as a good friends and feed her suppport. She did nothing wrong and need to be told that. This guy is the loser that went out with this other girl.

I wouldn't have never gave him the key right off and let him party with friends while I wasn't home but that was her doing. For some reason it seems she wanted to feel wanted and this guy gave it to her

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:03 AM   #5
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Re: Help me help my friend

okay, we all know here she is better off than him...it might take her some time to realize this...i think she needs some therapy and i think the best thing you can do as a friend right now is just listen to her when she needs somebody to talk to...

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: Help me help my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
Also try to make her see that she is teaching her daughter that it is ok for a woman to be treated poorly and that it is ok to desperately go after a loser. .
Refreshing to see someone offer the most important issue here. The idea is that parents, at the point of becoming a parent, makes a contract with their child to love them care for them, and demonstrate for them lifeís lessons that will aid them in living a happy and healthy adulthood. This obligation takes precedence. Kids deserve to be raised in a mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy environment and it is the parent's responsibility to live up to the contract.

Since there is no advise she can be given that will unite her with this man, my advise would be to offer to this woman that concern over her child is a better way to channel herself than with guys of this ilk. I have no doubt this woman is fully aware she has low self esteem and low self worth, so advising her of this would be useless. The limited power you have is to keep trying to educate her that self esteem comes only through personal accomplishments, such as in serving others or putting great effort into some effort that is enriching and satisfying. Try to get her into something that will cause her to see herself as valuable and useful. This is not a prolem that talk will resolve.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:52 PM   #7
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Re: Help me help my friend

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have spoke to her about seeking help. She has an appt tomorrow morning to talk to the doc about her depression. She wasn't crying tonight, which is a plus. She did call and talked endlessly about him and about who she thinks he's seeing now.
She's such a good person. I do agree w/ whoever said something about her self esteem. The last guy she dated was also an ex-con (that luckily is BACK in the pen), he stole from her, used her car to cart around other women, and also had a key to her house, etc.... He really messed her over. I told her, everyone else told her, but she wouldn't listen. He was also dating my cousin at the same time. She just feels the need to have somebody. I really wish I could do or say something to snap her out of this but there's nothing that can be done or said. I'll just be a shoulder to lean on. I guess that's about all I can do.
I really believe she needs therapy but how the h&ll do I go about telling her? I mean I have had my fair share of losers too.....just as we all have but there is a breaking point with me. She doesn't break when it comes to taking crap.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:24 AM   #8
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

This girl has been through alot in relationship terms and its good to hear that she is on the right path to talk to somone about it. Hope thing turn for the better

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:30 AM   #9
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

She's not been through that much in relationship terms. Her problem is she seeks solace in crap men and then cries when envitably everything turns to sawdust.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:32 AM   #10
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

nooooooooooooo Her past relationships must have been tough and she still dreads on that. Seeking help may be the only thing to help her in this cause.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:34 AM   #11
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Re: Help me help my friend

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO she has put herself back in the same position time and time again therefore it's self inflicted. What she needs therapy for is to find out WHY she continues to put herself in this position.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:57 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadSkillzGal
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO she has put herself back in the same position time and time again therefore it's self inflicted. What she needs therapy for is to find out WHY she continues to put herself in this position.

And I believe thats what I stated:

Remember:

This girl has been through alot in relationship terms and its good to hear that she is on the right path to talk to somone about it. Hope thing turn for the better

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:06 AM   #13
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

I think what everyone should be concerned with is what she is putting her DAUGHTER through, not herself. After all she chooses to mix with and date such lowlives. Her daughter has no say does she? I have no sympathy really sorry.

Wow I'm so sharp I could be Simon Cowells' niece! That was Atrocious with a capital A.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:19 AM   #14
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Help me help my friend

Her daughter is a great deal of concern but the problem is this girls emotions and head is so messsed up it may not matter her opinion. If she does speak up you think a mom like this is going to smarten up and listen to daughter...nooo.

This women need a lot of help so she can realize what she is doing to her daughter and her life also. Her daughter does need a good life but mommy needs to be strong before that can even happen.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:21 AM   #15
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Re: Help me help my friend

She needs a kick up the a$$ is what SHE needs. She's not just an irresponsible single woman anymore shes a damn mother. And needs to grow up.

 
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