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Old 04-19-2004, 09:20 AM   #1
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MAJOR PROBLEM that is absolutly killing me emotionally....

Ok, I have another post! I already relayed alot my of information in my post about "what do you do when his friends don't like you?", but I will start again.
It is a long and complicated story, I appologize in advance!

I am 20 years old. I met my boyfriend (Chris) right when I turned 19. I had actually met him online about three years before. We hit it off because we had both shown horses, and read a lot, and felt the same about alot of things. Not to sound self loathing, but neither of us have had an easy life. Chris is the most amazing person I have met. He started having major health problems when He was 12, I won't list them all because he wouldn't be comfortable with that even though he doesn't know I am posting, I want to respect his wishes, but they deal in sexual function and emotional responses in general. I did not grow up normally. I started having major depression, bulimia, anxiety, social withdraw at a young age and refused to go back to school, so I was home schooled. Due to the fact that I had little to no contact with people my own age (aside from when I was showing horses with other kids), I matured very early and quickly. To this day, I do not feel comfortable around people my own age because I never interacted with them. I hardly dated, had no friends all my teenage years, and basically hid away in my room.
When Chris came into my life he literally saved MY LIFE. If I hadn't of met him, I do not think I would have survived much longer on my own. We got very close very quickly. We were both scarred, emotionally and physically, and felt alone. We didn't feel so alone with each other, and we fell very much in love. But due to the fact that we lived 3 hours apart, we had to make a decision to move in or break up. Chris has been the strong one in the relationship. It probably was not wise for us to move in together, because we are very different. Different interests, personalities, want different things in the future. But if he had broken up with me, even though he thought it was for my own good, I probably would have committed myself to a mental hospital. I absolutely could not and still can not go back to being all by myself. So we live together now, and my emotional problems have still increased. My shrinks have put me on such strong drugs that they have ruined my mind and body. I am in the process of getting off of them as we speak.
I thought that when we moved in together, he could somehow fix me. I thought that when I fell in love, I would not cry and think about death and be hopeless. He was my white knight, and when he wasn't able to fix me, I resented it and I was horrible to him. God, was I awful. I was terrible to the one person who did more for me than anyone else because I was so angry at God that falling in love didn't fix me. I have said horrible things to him, and we have gone through a lot. I wanted him to be something he couldn't and will never be, and I resented him for that too.
But I love him, I can't tell you how much I love him. The thing is, I can't ever go back home to living with my parents again. It was my own privated hell. I will go back to not leaving my room and go back to my eating disorder and probably waste away and die, and that is not an exaggeration. I swore when I met Chris that I would NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN, I For my own safety I CAN'T.
Chris thinks If I stay here with him (in his city) He is going to ruin my life. He does not think he can make me happy here. I am not very fond of this city, it is in financial ruin. In all probability, he will live here forever and take over his boss' shop, which he knows I will be dissapointed with. He will not break up with me, or kick me out, or send me back home, because He knows #1 I will not go back home and #2 if I lose him, I might as well committ myself because I won't trust myself not to try and kill myself. Does he love me still? Yes, he does. Is he madly in love with me? not so much anymore. The stress of him thinking he is going to ruin my life longterm is killing him. He loves me so much, he will stay with me for years and years if he thinks it is for my benefit. In a way though, he also thinks I am using him to some respect, because I do not want to be alone and I can't go back home. So in a way he thinks I just want to stay here not because I love him so much, but because I have no other options. (which is partly true, but I DO LOVE HIM)
So now I am either faced with the option of us breaking up now, my landing in the hosptial, trying to kill myself, and If we break up I don't think I will be able to go to college or date anyone or even work for a year or more, it will kill me. Or I stay here, we stay together, we are reasonably happy as we can be with all the stress, I go to college here and get through and have some kind of security in my life, but by that time I would have build a life for myself in this city with him, and if we break up then I am going to have to leave everything I know and my friends up here any everything. I do not have any friends at home. I don't have many here, but I do show horses up here and knows some kids and their parents and go to some social functions.
Basically, living here, I atleast have some contact with the outside world, I function somewhat with other people, I am making a little money, and I am not alone and have Chris be with. At home, I have no friends, no job, I will deteriorate in my room and will probably never end up finishing college. I just can't go home, I can't. Meanwhile I have to live with the guilt that Chris only keeps me here because he cares about my well being so much, he doesn't have the heart to break up with me because he knows it would kill me. He tried to break up with me once, To "set things straight" he said because he said it was a mistake for us to move in, it was going to ruin my life eventually, and I swallowed a bottle of pills.
I don't know what to do, I want to best for him but I can't be without him.
I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for listening.

 
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Old 04-19-2004, 09:36 AM   #2
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Re: MAJOR PROBLEM that is absolutly killing me emotionally....

I am so sorry that you have had and continue to have so many emotional problems. Personally, I think that you have a bigger psycological problem than anyone on any Internet message board will ever be able to help you with.

You say that you are seeing a doctor, have you talked to him/her about your quandry with Chris and where to live? Has he offered no better perspective?

I cannot give you any advice really but I have lived in a somewhat similar situation. I was not living with him nor married to him, but my ex boyfriend went through several serious physical illnesses and I honestly would have left him a lot sooner if I hadn't thought that he might kill himself if I did. He even admitted that he would have killed himself if I had left him in the heat of his physical pain. He almost did it anyway. I don't know what I would have done if I had ever thought that someone killed themselves because I could not stick around and stay in a relationship.

But...that is too heavy a burden for anyone else to carry. If Chris decided he no longer wants to live with you then it is NOT his fault how you react to that! You are the only one who can control your own actions. It is not fair to place such a responsibility for someone else's very life like that onto someone else.

Are you sure that you only have two options, either staying and living with Chris or going back to your parents and dying? There has to be more than two options for your life. I don't know what they are, but life is not so black and white that you only have two choices like that.

Last edited by trystme; 04-19-2004 at 11:43 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 10:18 AM   #3
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Re: MAJOR PROBLEM that is absolutly killing me emotionally....

Medical help is definitly warranted but it sounds almost as if whatever they may suggest you have excuses and/or fears why you can't do it. Very convenient to do things "my way" but of little use for any long term growth. My suggestion would be to try things a doctors way, even if it requires hospitalization, your way doesn't seem to be working at all. I'll be praying for you.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:52 AM   #4
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Re: MAJOR PROBLEM that is absolutly killing me emotionally....

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
I am so sorry that you have had and continue to have so many emotional problems. Personally, I think that you have a bigger psycological problem than anyone on any Internet message board will ever be able to help you with..
Agreed. You may find some value in knowing others have read your plight and are sympathetic to your troubles. However, there is little any advise from an internet forum will do to help you. Please, commit further to getting help from professionals and also in working hard on your own to understand and address your fears. Consider reading book that focus on how to resolve your "disorders" not on books that simply exist to describe them.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 01:22 PM   #5
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Re: MAJOR PROBLEM that is absolutly killing me emotionally....

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate a bit to what you're experiencing. I think you have to take baby steps. You've put the weight of the whole world on your own shoulders. You're only 20 and you're worrying about the whole rest of your life, and the rest of Chris' life as well.

I think the first thing you need to understand is that love is like the fourth leg of a chair. It gives your life balance, but it's not the only thing holding it up. You have to have the other elements in place as well. I think seeking professional help is a good idea. I read somewhere once that healthy love says "I need you because I love you, not I love you because I need you." It sounds like you love Chris because you need him so much. You need to find ways of standing on your own two feet, with or without Chris. Find a good professional who can help you build your self esteem and your social skills and your options and help you find a better balance in life. Feel free to come here and vent as well, we're all ears. Good luck to you.

 
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