I just can't seem to feel secure enough in my relationship which is now going on 8 years. I know I'm not feeling worthy since Im out of work and have been quite ill for sometime. My girlfreind has by her own words said she wants to be with me but I still feel she will one day figure out she dosnt need or want me anymore. Ive heard about self fullfilling prophecy and try hard to hide this feeling. I know that Im dealing with stress everyday not knowing what will happen with me which leads to the feeling that if Im a burden and that she will leave me. I try not to dwell on it but it keeps creeping back. I need to find a safe place so that I don't worry myself all the time. The reassurace I need is not possible and that in itself scares me. If anyone has advice for me I would surely appreciate it. I need more than spiritual advice but rather a practical solution if there is any. If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.
Any suggestion or advise would all be based on speculation. You don't offer enough deetail regarding your illness, your work history and work potential, your girlfriend or your own history with these feelings to offer any substantive or meaningful advise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by couger2347
If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.
A book on what - anxiety, worrying, coping with illness, increasing self esteeem, learning to be happy with who you are, making necessary changes in your life? A book on what? What is the core issue for you?
Let me at first say that not being gainfully employed can eat at a person's self confidence in a really big way. And being sick on top of it is a double wammy.I've been fighting these feelings myself. Last year I quit my profession of 19 years because it was driving me crazy. I have spent the last year looking for something else, but my job was so specific, it's been hard. I've ended up doing odd jobs here and there to get by. I used to be at the top of my field, and now I can't get a coffee house job.Those weeks were I do nothing are really hard on me. I keep thinking my BF is going to see me as a worthless freeloader. I start hyper-focusing on my faults, our age difference ( I'm older), my weight, etc.. And ,yes, you are right. If you feel like a loser, people eventually start seeing you as a loser. Knowing his makes me even more paranoid. I can only tell you what has helped me to pull myself out of this funk.
You said you are ill, so if at all possible, stay busy! Volunteer, exercise if you can, get into a routine of getting up at the same time everyday. Go for a walk if you can, go to the library, find books about your illness, depression, etc.. Do not watch TV, it's depressing. It sounds like your GF wants to be with you, but the illness has you questioning if she stays out of pity. Ask her what initally attracted her to you, what she loves about you. Use her answer as fuel for your mind everyday.
I hope this helped, Good luck.
You didn't mention what your Illness for the extent. Well, today..go to your local bookstore and Read everything about your illness and how you can heal yourself or cope with it. Don't sit around dwelling on what you have do something about it. Work on your health, then if your strong enough seek employement. YES, I do know how bad the employment rate is at the present time because I am currently laid off also seeking employment.
It is a Tough market right now. But most importantly, work on your health, if you live with your girlfriend of 8 years..Help around the house, do things for her as well as yourself.
Being home unemployed or with health issues can really dampen your spirits and fall into depression you need to focus on dealing with your illness but still have a fullfilled life. Stop dwelling on the negative and start looking at the positives in your life and work towards them.
If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.
Okay, I read some of you other posts and have a better understanding. My advise is to seek out a CBT therapy group and start with the following book, "Been there, done that? Do this!" by Sam Obitz. You MUST take this type of action if you want to do more than find a solution that has you "coping" for the rest of your life. You need to get involved in specific thinking and behaviors and CBT will put you on that path.
Ok I've read a few of your posts now too and I feel that (correct me if I'm wrong) but by and large your illness is mainly psychological. Get help. Get real help. Address your problems. Try to engage yourself in some form of employment even if it is just part time. It will build up your self worth and your gf will respect you so much more.
Last edited by Administrator; 04-21-2004 at 11:10 AM.
Reason: harhness
Madskill is right, and I offer you the same advice. Please do not become complacant. Work toward improving your health, mental well being, and employment. That will help you see yourself in a better light as well as your gf seeing you in a better light.
When my ex got physically ill and lost his job I lost all respect for him because HE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He did not take action for many years to improve things becuase he kept thinking that it would just go away on it's own. He kept thinking that he just had bad luck right now and that things would look up soon. Well, inaction only makes these things worse, not better. I did not lose my repect for him because he was ill or because he was unemployed, I lost respect for him because he refused to do anything about it. By the time that he finally did do something about it, it was too late, I couldn't get my respect back for him.
Thanks
I really did not get into detail about my illness. I have been diagnosed with panic disorder and Im on disability cause of it. It haunts me since as a man I feel I should be more of the go getter. My girlfreind is very active and I find myself questioning why she stays. Because of the anxiety I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue which doubles the wammy. When she met me I had some money saved and thought I could overcome the illness in time to find work so I would not run out. Each day I get better but still find it hard to imagine being in any stressful situation. The stress of worrying about my situation gets me down and I have to keep up a front. I think my overall fear is that I wont be able to work and will run out of money. I think I anticipate what will happen if I cant carry my load.Im trying to get well and am proactive in that case but still I have a problem. I get hints of reassurance but that only lasts for a day. My analytical mind puts the part together and comes to the conclusion this will finally end when my money runs out.I could without working and disability hang on for another two years but then Ill be broke. I start thinking how easy it would be for her to meet a man who is working who does not have all these issues. I seem to be obsessed and worry she will stop loving me. She has a practical side to her so I just wonder when she will also come to that conclusion. Other than the money issues I know she loves me for who I am. But in my mind I could just hear somebody saying you dont need him and his problems. Because of my disorder I feared a relationship and usually ran from them. But I finally took this chance and Im under more stress cause of it. I dont know where to find safety since I have a tendency to panic. I read everything I can to dismiss these thoughts but they keep creeping back. Even admitting to this fear makes me feel she would look to me as weak. Thanks again for your feedback. I hope this answers some of your questions.
You are digging your own hole here. You can and should take control of your illness and your life. You have 2 approaches you can take here: 1) I am a victim, I cant do anything about it and all I can do is feel sorry for myself or 2) I can and will find a way to overcome my fears, become independent again, and TAKE CHARGE of my life. You are only a victim if you choose to be. I know that panic disorders can be a big deal, but ultimately, a panic disorder is a result of not dealing with stress, or dealing with it the wrong way. You need to resolve this. Medication, therapy, CBT (i have heard SO MUCH about this last suggestion) even if its simply buying a book at first. Take the first step towards showing yourself that you are strong. I have seen people lose their entire lives to things like this. It doesnt have to happen to you. To me, there is nothing more inspirational than someone who seems so hopeless and gone, that turns it all around and takes charge. And, trust me, Ive been there. Ive been sick. I know how it is. Granted, mine started out physical (cancer) and turned emotional. I was so traumatized by the fact that my cancer could return and someday kill me, that I was afraid to live and enjoy life. I thought the minute I let my guard down, it would come back and get me. I wasted 5 years of my life like that. Now, 12 years after the cancer, I am still cancer-free, married, and have 2 daughters. I never thought I would have a future, let alone my own kids. In a sense, you are keeping yourself down the same way. Wake up. and yes, my physical problems are stil annoying. My cancer treatment literally destroyed my immune system, so I get sick, sometimes alot. but Ive learned to live for the healthy moments and take advantage of what I CAN do, instead of moaning about what I CANT do. And Ive found that in doing this, I can do alot more than I thought, even when Im sick.
And also, You have got to find a way to deal with stress, point blank. LIFE IS STRESS!!!!!
You make some very good points, anne. I want to offer that stress, in an unhealthy fashion, is very often associated with irrational worry. There are things that one worries over that they have some direct or indirect ability to effect. Those that are sick with stress and panic often worry about things that they have absolutely no ability to effect. It is this worry that digs the hole deeper and deeper, because there can be no respite from worry that involved those things that are totally out of your control to effect. The mind can only take so much. When there is overload of worry, even th tiniest of events and sensations get magnified. The basis for worry and panic has to be attacked and put in its place.
CBT can give you the tools that you need to put into practice the advice you receive. Your brain has been programmed this way for a long time. You have repeated and repeated the lessons over and over and your brain is doing what you taught it. It is almost a certainly that you cannot reprogram your brain out of this cycle without assistance. This assistance must come in the form of concrete, well understood tools to deal with your irrational thoughts and worries. Simply “realizing” you should not think this way won’t do it.
You need the tools to think in completely different terms and reinforce this thinking with behaviors that support the new thought processes. Have you tried CBT or read any book that use CBT as a basis for therapy?
A book on what - anxiety, worrying, coping with illness, increasing self esteeem, learning to be happy with who you are, making necessary changes in your life? A book on what? What is the core issue for you?
I agree with with these and a books may not help...It may pleasure you but not to help you out in any way.
I have cope with some of these things and still am. The best way I found to get through it is fight the feeling and make sure that she is supportive with you.
Jeff makes a great point, keep busy. The more time you have on your hands, the more time you have to sit and ruminate about your stress, your anxiety disorder, panic, etc... Probably why you have been unemployed for so long. A job would help with distracting you. Im so busy, the only time I get freaked out is at bedtime, when I am alone with my thoughts. during the day, I dont have the time to obsess.I just roll with what comes at me...
A job would help with distracting you. Im so busy, the only time I get freaked out is at bedtime, when I am alone with my thoughts. during the day, I dont have the time to obsess.I just roll with what comes at me...
A job might help, but in cases such as his, jobs are often the source of intolerable conditions. Prescriptive and specific proven steps must be committed to. Simply acknowledging the panic and telling himself it is irrational and staying busy will help very little in cases as progressed as his. He must get help to specifically address his disorder. He is not merely stressed out. He is, in many ways, non-functioning.
I hope you contact a CBT therapist and get involved in a CBT support group. Or start by reading up on therapies...do something. Stopping this simply by acknowledging it is like as an alcoholic being able to stop just because they see they have a problem. It takes action and this needs to be from a proven direction.
I hope you will help yourself through the tools and assistance available out there. As long as you think you can think your way through this, you will continue to suffer as you have.
MSG we are telling to keep busy by getting some work or even trying a hobby. These things will limit his stress of being alone. I think this is the main reason why he is like this because he feels alone and needs someone there to talk to him and comfort him. Keeping busy will get rid of all these thoughts.
MSG we are telling to keep busy by getting some work or even trying a hobby. These things will limit his stress of being alone. I think this is the main reason why he is like this because he feels alone and needs someone there to talk to him and comfort him. Keeping busy will get rid of all these thoughts.
NO, NO, NO!! This man has been medicated on serious benzo drugs for chronic panic and anxiety. This is not a case of "keep busy". This is not a case of simply being over stressed. This is not a case of feeling alone. People, he has serious problem that will only be resolved though dedicated therapeutic work. No amount of "busy work" will resolve the ingrained and habitual spiral of negative thought processes of a chronic panic sufferer.
NO, NO, NO!! This man has been medicated on serious benzo drugs for chronic panic and anxiety. This is not a case of "keep busy". This is not a case of simply being over stressed. This is not a case of feeling alone. People, he has serious problem that will only be resolved though dedicated therapeutic work. No amount of "busy work" will resolve the ingrained and habitual spiral of negative thought processes of a chronic panic sufferer.
Well then thats my apologies for not seeing that........but I still do stand by that he needs somthing to do. Maybe not work but how about hobbies?
Thankyou all for responding to my post. I am especially surprised at what salinas1 had to say in reference to heavy medication. I did not want to get further into the details of how I got to this place but in responce to salinas1 I must say he seems pretty insightful. To fill in a little more of the story it does have something to do with meds. I took zanax for more than fifteen years in pretty high doses to control the anxiety. As a side thought I must tell you I was only prescribed this benzo to stop the side effects of an antidepressant I was first using which was to help with the panic. Upon taking this antidepressant I started from the side effects to feel shaky. My doctor told me to take the zanax to help with this shakiness not for the panic. I at that time was very concerned about getting addicted but was reasured that would not happen or this knew drug was much safer. Anyway fifteen years later I began to taper slowly. After tapering for nine months I still felt lousy. Heres where we run into trouble. I belong to a benzo group where protracted withdrawal is very common for many of its members. Its hard to believe but many ex-benzo people have long term effects from these drugs. One since its a muscle relaxant is to all of a sudden be using muscles that have really never worked on their own. Anyway in my case I had and stil;l have after 8 years severe muscle pain and exhaustion from working as hard as possible to carry what seems to be a hundred pound weight around.I know this is hard to believe for anyone who has not experienced it. Going through this experience has been very frustrating. I have researched every disease you can imagine to see what to call what I was feeling. Ive been to many doctors mainsream and holistic. The panic was still with me and then this frightening expeience just overwhelmed me. This I hope gives you alittle more insight into me. My nervous system has been on high alert during and after this experience. I find myself very sensitive to strong emotions.
When I met my girlfiend she knew of the changes I was trying to make with the benzos. I was especially scared at that moment to start a relationship since I had no idea how long that would last. Well I have been one of the unlucky ones It is still difficult 8 years later. I get up in the morning hurting and exhausted. I find it hard to think or concentrate without going into high alert. This is all the energy I have just to get anything done during the day.
When I feel this I immediatly start to think sad thoughts about how I might lose my relationship and why does she stay. Im on a race to get well before she gets fed-up. Its really about being able to work. Some days I feel I might be ready others I'm completly washed out. I really have tried everything but unforunatly this healing is just a matter of time. Just a reminder I know many will find ways to blame it on excuses and thats all right. I myself first jump to that conclusion when I hear people complaining. This is real.
It is hard to fight this disease and eventually you'll get over this hump..Things take time and the best way to do this is take it one step at a time rather than force it through.
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