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Old 04-19-2004, 10:36 PM   #1
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couger2347 HB User
Unhappy abandonment fear

I just can't seem to feel secure enough in my relationship which is now going on 8 years. I know I'm not feeling worthy since Im out of work and have been quite ill for sometime. My girlfreind has by her own words said she wants to be with me but I still feel she will one day figure out she dosnt need or want me anymore. Ive heard about self fullfilling prophecy and try hard to hide this feeling. I know that Im dealing with stress everyday not knowing what will happen with me which leads to the feeling that if Im a burden and that she will leave me. I try not to dwell on it but it keeps creeping back. I need to find a safe place so that I don't worry myself all the time. The reassurace I need is not possible and that in itself scares me. If anyone has advice for me I would surely appreciate it. I need more than spiritual advice but rather a practical solution if there is any. If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 04:14 AM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Any suggestion or advise would all be based on speculation. You don't offer enough deetail regarding your illness, your work history and work potential, your girlfriend or your own history with these feelings to offer any substantive or meaningful advise.


Quote:
Originally Posted by couger2347
If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.
A book on what - anxiety, worrying, coping with illness, increasing self esteeem, learning to be happy with who you are, making necessary changes in your life? A book on what? What is the core issue for you?

Last edited by Salinas1; 04-20-2004 at 04:19 AM.

 
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Old 04-20-2004, 04:18 AM   #3
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Re: abandonment fear

Let me at first say that not being gainfully employed can eat at a person's self confidence in a really big way. And being sick on top of it is a double wammy.I've been fighting these feelings myself. Last year I quit my profession of 19 years because it was driving me crazy. I have spent the last year looking for something else, but my job was so specific, it's been hard. I've ended up doing odd jobs here and there to get by. I used to be at the top of my field, and now I can't get a coffee house job.Those weeks were I do nothing are really hard on me. I keep thinking my BF is going to see me as a worthless freeloader. I start hyper-focusing on my faults, our age difference ( I'm older), my weight, etc.. And ,yes, you are right. If you feel like a loser, people eventually start seeing you as a loser. Knowing his makes me even more paranoid. I can only tell you what has helped me to pull myself out of this funk.
You said you are ill, so if at all possible, stay busy! Volunteer, exercise if you can, get into a routine of getting up at the same time everyday. Go for a walk if you can, go to the library, find books about your illness, depression, etc.. Do not watch TV, it's depressing. It sounds like your GF wants to be with you, but the illness has you questioning if she stays out of pity. Ask her what initally attracted her to you, what she loves about you. Use her answer as fuel for your mind everyday.
I hope this helped, Good luck.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 04:23 AM   #4
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Re: abandonment fear

Why can't you work? You say quite ill, i mean do you mean physically or mentally?

 
Old 04-20-2004, 04:29 AM   #5
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: abandonment fear

I agree with desertdweller -

You didn't mention what your Illness for the extent. Well, today..go to your local bookstore and Read everything about your illness and how you can heal yourself or cope with it. Don't sit around dwelling on what you have do something about it. Work on your health, then if your strong enough seek employement. YES, I do know how bad the employment rate is at the present time because I am currently laid off also seeking employment.
It is a Tough market right now. But most importantly, work on your health, if you live with your girlfriend of 8 years..Help around the house, do things for her as well as yourself.

Being home unemployed or with health issues can really dampen your spirits and fall into depression you need to focus on dealing with your illness but still have a fullfilled life. Stop dwelling on the negative and start looking at the positives in your life and work towards them.

Good Luck.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 04:39 AM   #6
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by couger2347
If you know of a good book on the subject I would like to know about it.
Okay, I read some of you other posts and have a better understanding. My advise is to seek out a CBT therapy group and start with the following book, "Been there, done that? Do this!" by Sam Obitz. You MUST take this type of action if you want to do more than find a solution that has you "coping" for the rest of your life. You need to get involved in specific thinking and behaviors and CBT will put you on that path.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 04:45 AM   #7
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Re: abandonment fear

Ok I've read a few of your posts now too and I feel that (correct me if I'm wrong) but by and large your illness is mainly psychological. Get help. Get real help. Address your problems. Try to engage yourself in some form of employment even if it is just part time. It will build up your self worth and your gf will respect you so much more.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-21-2004 at 11:10 AM. Reason: harhness

 
Old 04-20-2004, 08:13 AM   #8
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Re: abandonment fear

Madskill is right, and I offer you the same advice. Please do not become complacant. Work toward improving your health, mental well being, and employment. That will help you see yourself in a better light as well as your gf seeing you in a better light.

When my ex got physically ill and lost his job I lost all respect for him because HE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He did not take action for many years to improve things becuase he kept thinking that it would just go away on it's own. He kept thinking that he just had bad luck right now and that things would look up soon. Well, inaction only makes these things worse, not better. I did not lose my repect for him because he was ill or because he was unemployed, I lost respect for him because he refused to do anything about it. By the time that he finally did do something about it, it was too late, I couldn't get my respect back for him.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 09:30 AM   #9
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Unhappy Re: abandonment fear

Thanks
I really did not get into detail about my illness. I have been diagnosed with panic disorder and Im on disability cause of it. It haunts me since as a man I feel I should be more of the go getter. My girlfreind is very active and I find myself questioning why she stays. Because of the anxiety I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue which doubles the wammy. When she met me I had some money saved and thought I could overcome the illness in time to find work so I would not run out. Each day I get better but still find it hard to imagine being in any stressful situation. The stress of worrying about my situation gets me down and I have to keep up a front. I think my overall fear is that I wont be able to work and will run out of money. I think I anticipate what will happen if I cant carry my load.Im trying to get well and am proactive in that case but still I have a problem. I get hints of reassurance but that only lasts for a day. My analytical mind puts the part together and comes to the conclusion this will finally end when my money runs out.I could without working and disability hang on for another two years but then Ill be broke. I start thinking how easy it would be for her to meet a man who is working who does not have all these issues. I seem to be obsessed and worry she will stop loving me. She has a practical side to her so I just wonder when she will also come to that conclusion. Other than the money issues I know she loves me for who I am. But in my mind I could just hear somebody saying you dont need him and his problems. Because of my disorder I feared a relationship and usually ran from them. But I finally took this chance and Im under more stress cause of it. I dont know where to find safety since I have a tendency to panic. I read everything I can to dismiss these thoughts but they keep creeping back. Even admitting to this fear makes me feel she would look to me as weak. Thanks again for your feedback. I hope this answers some of your questions.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 09:40 AM   #10
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Re: abandonment fear

You are digging your own hole here. You can and should take control of your illness and your life. You have 2 approaches you can take here: 1) I am a victim, I cant do anything about it and all I can do is feel sorry for myself or 2) I can and will find a way to overcome my fears, become independent again, and TAKE CHARGE of my life. You are only a victim if you choose to be. I know that panic disorders can be a big deal, but ultimately, a panic disorder is a result of not dealing with stress, or dealing with it the wrong way. You need to resolve this. Medication, therapy, CBT (i have heard SO MUCH about this last suggestion) even if its simply buying a book at first. Take the first step towards showing yourself that you are strong. I have seen people lose their entire lives to things like this. It doesnt have to happen to you. To me, there is nothing more inspirational than someone who seems so hopeless and gone, that turns it all around and takes charge. And, trust me, Ive been there. Ive been sick. I know how it is. Granted, mine started out physical (cancer) and turned emotional. I was so traumatized by the fact that my cancer could return and someday kill me, that I was afraid to live and enjoy life. I thought the minute I let my guard down, it would come back and get me. I wasted 5 years of my life like that. Now, 12 years after the cancer, I am still cancer-free, married, and have 2 daughters. I never thought I would have a future, let alone my own kids. In a sense, you are keeping yourself down the same way. Wake up. and yes, my physical problems are stil annoying. My cancer treatment literally destroyed my immune system, so I get sick, sometimes alot. but Ive learned to live for the healthy moments and take advantage of what I CAN do, instead of moaning about what I CANT do. And Ive found that in doing this, I can do alot more than I thought, even when Im sick.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 09:43 AM   #11
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annebash HB User
Re: abandonment fear

And also, You have got to find a way to deal with stress, point blank. LIFE IS STRESS!!!!!

 
Old 04-20-2004, 11:07 AM   #12
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by annebash
And also, You have got to find a way to deal with stress, point blank. LIFE IS STRESS!!!!!
You make some very good points, anne. I want to offer that stress, in an unhealthy fashion, is very often associated with irrational worry. There are things that one worries over that they have some direct or indirect ability to effect. Those that are sick with stress and panic often worry about things that they have absolutely no ability to effect. It is this worry that digs the hole deeper and deeper, because there can be no respite from worry that involved those things that are totally out of your control to effect. The mind can only take so much. When there is overload of worry, even th tiniest of events and sensations get magnified. The basis for worry and panic has to be attacked and put in its place.

CBT can give you the tools that you need to put into practice the advice you receive. Your brain has been programmed this way for a long time. You have repeated and repeated the lessons over and over and your brain is doing what you taught it. It is almost a certainly that you cannot reprogram your brain out of this cycle without assistance. This assistance must come in the form of concrete, well understood tools to deal with your irrational thoughts and worries. Simply “realizing” you should not think this way won’t do it.

You need the tools to think in completely different terms and reinforce this thinking with behaviors that support the new thought processes. Have you tried CBT or read any book that use CBT as a basis for therapy?

Last edited by Salinas1; 04-20-2004 at 11:09 AM.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:56 AM   #13
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eightball61 HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1



A book on what - anxiety, worrying, coping with illness, increasing self esteeem, learning to be happy with who you are, making necessary changes in your life? A book on what? What is the core issue for you?
I agree with with these and a books may not help...It may pleasure you but not to help you out in any way.

I have cope with some of these things and still am. The best way I found to get through it is fight the feeling and make sure that she is supportive with you.

One good thing is keep yourself busy.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 09:12 AM   #14
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annebash HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Jeff makes a great point, keep busy. The more time you have on your hands, the more time you have to sit and ruminate about your stress, your anxiety disorder, panic, etc... Probably why you have been unemployed for so long. A job would help with distracting you. Im so busy, the only time I get freaked out is at bedtime, when I am alone with my thoughts. during the day, I dont have the time to obsess.I just roll with what comes at me...

 
Old 04-21-2004, 09:21 AM   #15
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: abandonment fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by annebash
A job would help with distracting you. Im so busy, the only time I get freaked out is at bedtime, when I am alone with my thoughts. during the day, I dont have the time to obsess.I just roll with what comes at me...
A job might help, but in cases such as his, jobs are often the source of intolerable conditions. Prescriptive and specific proven steps must be committed to. Simply acknowledging the panic and telling himself it is irrational and staying busy will help very little in cases as progressed as his. He must get help to specifically address his disorder. He is not merely stressed out. He is, in many ways, non-functioning.

I hope you contact a CBT therapist and get involved in a CBT support group. Or start by reading up on therapies...do something. Stopping this simply by acknowledging it is like as an alcoholic being able to stop just because they see they have a problem. It takes action and this needs to be from a proven direction.

I hope you will help yourself through the tools and assistance available out there. As long as you think you can think your way through this, you will continue to suffer as you have.

 
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