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Old 04-21-2004, 01:54 PM   #1
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wendipeach HB User
Unhappy Crazy? In love?

Iíve read thru a couple post and Iíve read a few that are similar to my situation but Iím finding it hard to pick out the advise that might help me. Hopefully somebody can take a look at this situation and give me some advise.
Iím 23 years old. I just grauated last May from college. I never planed on staying here in this college town but my parent encouraged me to buy a house, I found a job, and I met my now boyfriend. Iím in, what I consider, a serious relationship. Weíve been together for more than 10 months. Heís not the most charming man in the world but I pride myself in not being superficial or close-minded. Iím usually a timid, shy, easy going person. Things have gotten more serious in the past month with my boyfriend. He told me a few weeks ago that heís going to marry me some day, heís told me that he loves me so much and that I mean the world to him. Weíve gotten closer emotionally but last night after a fight I felt like we took a huge leap back. I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY, i cheked his phone for messages, i woke him up in the middle of the night....ect. Iím trying to figure out if I should just stop here and walk away or if I need to change my perspective and really try to work this out.
The problems:
1. He talks of his exís, past girls heís slept with and it makes me terribly jealous. He STILL talks to a few of his exís whom want to get back together with him. He gets mad at me that I get jealous. Yet when he hears of one of my exís or an old friend calls, itís perfectly fine that he gets jealous and mad. And he inadvertently make it all my fault.
2. Arguments usually end in Iím right, youíre wrong. Arguments are very sarcastic and hurtful. They become harder and harder to recover from. He treats them as unnatural events. And usually double standards emerge. Exp: Itís ok for me to talk with these girls because theyíre my friends. Itís not ok for you to talk to those guys because they arenít your friends. Itís ok for me to flirt with these girls cause Iím just being stupid and it doesnít mean anything, but if you look at another guy that means you want to go home with him.
3. He gets short and snotty with me when heís had a bad day. He hardly ever comes to me. I always come to him for comfort, friendship, love. This was a huge issue not too long ago. He always wants me to come on to him or come to him when Iím upset. Yet he can never come to me when heís upset and he rarely comes on to me. I get bitchy after a hard day but Iíve made extra effort to be in good moods around him, to come on to him and show affection, why is it so hard for him?
These are just the problems I can think of at the moment because they are fresh in my mind.
The questions:
1. Why does his history bother me? If he was promiscuous in the past does that mean he will be in the future?
2. Why does he still talk to/think about his exís?
3. Why does he try to talk to other girls when he goes out with his friends? Why does he talk to other girls when Iím not around? Is this appropriate behavior? What does it say about him?
4. How can we discuss tender issues without getting motional or mad? How can I discuss my problems with him without him getting turned off or me feeling like its just pushing him away?
5. Are arguments unnatural? Is it wrong to stay in a relationship that has problems so early on? Should I be looking for a relationship that has NO arguments?
6. Why do I fell like heís being arrogant when he wants me to come on to him, do what he wants to do? Why doesnít he like to do what I like to do?
7. Why does he play on my fears and insecurities either sarcastically or jokingly?
8. Why canít I get frustrated or upset? Why canít I have a bad day?
9. Why does he have double standards?
10. Why canít I trust him? Should I?
These are just a few questions I had. Any advise?

Last edited by wendipeach; 04-21-2004 at 01:58 PM.

 
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Old 04-21-2004, 02:14 PM   #2
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

wendi....I have much to say regarding your post, but am walking out of the office in just a sec. I will post a worthy response first thing in the morning. Until then, keep your chin up. You're gonna be ok.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 02:44 PM   #3
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promisez HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

The minute someone uses the word sarcastic I just have this need to let them know what it REALLY means. I for one wouldn't treat a lady like that at all but if you feel its acceptable, and you allow yourself to be treated that way then all the other disrespect falls neatly into place and I can promise you it will get worse. All your questions can be answered easily when you ask yourself "Why am I allowing HIS behaviours to control my emotions and actions". Another aspect you should consider is why you allow him to compare you to others in his life rather then treat you as an individual, intelligent attractive woman. This really isnt about his behaviours, its about how you've allowed him to disrespect you and you both define it as "love". What you've described above isn't love to me, it's more like ownership. Tread carefully, you may lose yourself in the process.

Entry: sarcastic
Function: adjective
Definition: nasty
Synonyms: acrimonious, arrogant, austere, backhanded, bitchy, biting, bitter, brusque, captious, carping, caustic, contemptuous, cutting, cynical, disrespectful, evil, hostile, irascible, ironical, mean, mocking, mordant, needle, offensive, ornery, salty, sardonic, satirical, saucy, scorching, scornful, scurrilous, severe, sharp, sneering, taunting....

What I'm not seeing is trust, respect, honour, love, adoration or even an item called "you had a bad day, let me run you a bubble bath" anywhere in that.

Last edited by promisez; 04-21-2004 at 02:48 PM.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 02:47 PM   #4
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

[QUOTE=wendipeach]
The problems:
1. He talks of his exís, past girls heís slept with and it makes me terribly jealous. He STILL talks to a few of his exís whom want to get back together with him. He gets mad at me that I get jealous. Yet when he hears of one of my exís or an old friend calls, itís perfectly fine that he gets jealous and mad. And he inadvertently make it all my fault.
Its not your fault that you get jealous over this. We all get jealous over different thing. No, its not right for him to get jealous when you talk about it. I think he is just being a baby over this. You both need to communicate you issues if you don't want to fight over these thing.

2. Arguments usually end in Iím right, youíre wrong. Arguments are very sarcastic and hurtful. They become harder and harder to recover from. He treats them as unnatural events. And usually double standards emerge. Exp: Itís ok for me to talk with these girls because theyíre my friends. Itís not ok for you to talk to those guys because they arenít your friends. Itís ok for me to flirt with these girls cause Iím just being stupid and it doesnít mean anything, but if you look at another guy that means you want to go home with him. Once again he is trying to control your thoughts and he is acting like a baby over this.

3. He gets short and snotty with me when heís had a bad day. He hardly ever comes to me. I always come to him for comfort, friendship, love. This was a huge issue not too long ago. He always wants me to come on to him or come to him when Iím upset. Yet he can never come to me when heís upset and he rarely comes on to me. I get bitchy after a hard day but Iíve made extra effort to be in good moods around him, to come on to him and show affection, why is it so hard for him? Guys hate dealing with emotions and they will hide it so thier macho image doesn't get ruined. We hide things hoping it goes away but it just builds anger and that why he take it out on you. Then again yes men always want to know whats wrong and if you don't tell them they get mad at you which causes another fight. I know I have a bad rep. Continueing asking whats wrong and that turns into a whole knew fight. We should be open and willing to talk in any relationship but for some reason we all hide from it.

The questions:
:
1. Why does his history bother me? If he was promiscuous in the past does that mean he will be in the future?
His history may bother you because it something that you never saw in you future. There are thing he did you couldn't imagine being with him with but you love him and thats why you stayed with him.

2. Why does he still talk to/think about his exís?Now, He should be talking to his ex's at all. That pops a flag in my head if he talk and hang with them. I understand if they just talk under good friend terms over the net or something but not a phone call everynight

3. Why does he try to talk to other girls when he goes out with his friends? Why does he talk to other girls when Iím not around? Is this appropriate behavior? What does it say about him? Talking with other girls I can see it being ok coming from a guy like me but it draws a line when he is flirting and getting numbers. It doesn't say too much if he is getting numbers and flirting but if he is just talking to these girls and dowing invitations to their house it say he has good respect for you.

4. How can we discuss tender issues without getting motional or mad? How can I discuss my problems with him without him getting turned off or me feeling like its just pushing him away? The only good way to talk with out him nor you fighting could be leaving him a letter with and extra paper as a response note then you both can talk after or go see a couselor.

5. Are arguments unnatural? Is it wrong to stay in a relationship that has problems so early on? Should I be looking for a relationship that has NO arguments? Arguement are ver natural but doing it all the time is not healthy. I think its ok to stay in a relationship that has some arguements at first because it could solve issues in the long term but if they are big fights you need out.

6. Why do I fell like heís being arrogant when he wants me to come on to him, do what he wants to do? Why doesnít he like to do what I like to do?
Lack of communication...You need to sit down and under stand why he is being a baby over small stuff like this.

7. Why does he play on my fears and insecurities either sarcastically or jokingly? Boy(not males) do this to test thier love feeling for them. It sounds cruel but they do little testing to see how strong the love is and whether if you are going to stay or leave.

8. Why canít I get frustrated or upset? Why canít I have a bad day?
lol...You are aloud to have a bad day and if he can't tend to your need the proper way then you need to go to a friend and lean a shoulder on them. If this guys continues then whats the point of showing emotions for a lifetime with someone like this?

9. Why does he have double standards? He's a male hasn't hit man hood yet.

10. Why canít I trust him? Should I?

This isn't the matter of trust it seems he is trying to run your life and making you revolve around him. You have to understand you have a life to live also and don't need a man playing mind tricks or trying to put you through a test.

The least I can say is talk to him. If he don't want to listen then pack up and go. You gave him a chance to listen and if he doesn't want to shape up then why do you need someone that will bring your self-esteem down and always make you wonder what they are up to. He shouldn't be sneaky...he should be very open.

This is also not at all crazy, I am sure you are in love with this guy but the question is does he feel the same? It sounds like you are fresh into this relationship and if this is starting out this bad then I can only imagine what the future may hold.

My current relationship stared out rocky but we worked out alot of thing with communication and we are doing better than even. So things can get works out if they are rocky to start but you both need to communicate and not hide you emotions.

If seems you are playing your part but he rather do the doggish thing and hide his tail inbetween his legs and run off scared. I am sure he can be opened up and it may take time..I did it But the other thing is he need to lay off the head games and notice the good person he is with. We are all going to get jealous over our loves talking to the opposite sex but if they truelly loved us we have nothing to worry about...Right?

Last edited by eightball61; 04-21-2004 at 02:53 PM.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 02:51 PM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
This isn't the matter of trust it seems he is trying to run your life and making you revolve around him. You have to understand you have a life to live also and don't need a man playing mind tricks or trying to put you through a test.
Excellent point Jeff

 
Old 04-21-2004, 03:03 PM   #6
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
All your questions can be answered easily when you ask yourself "Why am I allowing HIS behaviours to control my emotions and actions". Another aspect you should consider is why you allow him to compare you to others in his life rather then treat you as an individual, intelligent attractive woman. This really isnt about his behaviours, its about how you've allowed him to disrespect you and you both define it as "love". What you've described above isn't love to me...
Bravo!

There will be many folks that will be very happy to provide answers to all those "Why" questions, even though no one can possibly know why. This requires a deep knowledge and insight into a myriad of details that you cannot possibly provide here. So, after reading each one and sifting through the conjecture and guessing and presumptions, I very much hope you take the quickest path back to Promisez' reply. It says it all. No trying to reply to the impossible ďwhyĒ questions. Just a direct answer that puts the burden on you, where it belongs.

He behaves badly towards you. How will knowing ďwhyĒ he does this have any effect on the fact that they are bad behaviors. Do you imagine you will take the ďwhyĒ answers and change him with this knowledge? If you can live with them, stay where you are. If not leave before you have more vested.

Promisez has whittled it down to the most appropriate ĒwhyĒ question of all: "Why am I allowing HIS behaviors to control my emotions and actions".

 
Old 04-22-2004, 06:52 AM   #7
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

Oh.....My......God......
Wendipeach - YOU...my girl have SO much going for you. You graduated from college, Your parents gave you advise to invest in a home, you listen to them....You have a good job....You have Alot to Be Proud of at your age!

So, you mentioned you don't want to be close minded in your 10month relationship....Well then...You asked alot of WHY's...You need to be Open Minded this guy of yours...What you see is what you get...I will Ask You WHY would you be involved with someone who is so seflcentered around himself and bringing YOU DOWN? He is the close minded person that you don't want to be....

It's all about HIM and HIM only...Is he living in YOUR HOUSE? You may love him but he loves himself and his own self worth..
It's ok for him to keep in touch with his ex girlfriends but not ok for you? You are not allowed to come home tired or upset and want to talk? He's bullying you and making you ask all the WHY's which then you are asking yourself HOW you can work on this relationship? He has no intentions of asking himself why he does the things he does, he's letting you figure this out on your own...ask yourself How can you let this man treat you in a manner You don't want to be treated, and how to just end it with him.

Don't ask anymore "why's" when it's How can he do this to you! Because he can...that's "why". And as long as you give in to him or as long as he sees he can bully you around to make you come around to HIS thinking you will become a doormat to him, he will succeed in breaking you and your spirit of life. NOW, ask yourself How can you put up with this? How can you break away from him? YOU DESERVE BETTER then this guy will ever offer you.
Forget the marriage proposal - who cares...I wouldn't want to marry this kind of man...You are TOO GOOD FOR HIM! and that my friend is WHY!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 06:58 AM   #8
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

I'm backing GirlHarley and promisez on this one....all the way. She took the words out of my mouth!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:21 AM   #9
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

If someone doesn't seem to want to meet you HALF way in a relationship and you are the one going to him, you will always carry the LOAD in the relationship. You will find yourself handling all there is in a relationship, and guess what---he's still out there talking to ex's or making new friends, while you bust your A$$ getting your house paid for, career off the ground and children raised. Been there and done that---girl, the WHY's in your questions--all have an answer only you can find. Many great suggestions here BTW---take some much needed advice and determine if you want a weak partner the rest of your life. He's displaying obvious weaknesses, self esteem issues. Good luck.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:38 AM   #10
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annebash HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

selfish. Period. Maybe selfish due to immaturity, which in time could change, but maybe not. In a good relationship, noone would put so many wierd little rules on you. He wants it all to revolve around him. He wants total control over what goes on in the relationship. He doesnt want the inconvenience of dealing with your negative emotions (bad moods) yet probably reserves the right to have a bad day himself. Now, he may be doing this out of fear. Its hard to be in a relationship because you not only have to deal with your own emotions ,you have to deal with someone else's, which can have a huge effect on your feelings. That has always scared me about being married. I know that having a partner can mean double trouble lol. If he has a bad day, it affects me. If I have a bad day, it affects him. Actually, he tends to get too upset over me being in a bad mood, and I sometimes end up feeling like I dont have the right to be annoyed, tired, irritated. For us, thats not a huge problem, though. Maybe he is just not emotionally ready to deal with someone else on that level. Relationships are hard. You cant try to control them and make them easier by imposing stiff rules on your significant other. What he is doing is crappy. But I do sympathize a bit. Maybe he will grow up. But like I said, maybe not. If you are in a better place maturity-wise right now, you may want to seek out someone on that same level. You have alot going for you. But if your boyfriend becomes more receptive, maybe you could help him grow and mature emotionally.. It all depends on how willing he is to grow.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:50 AM   #11
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elatedgiraffe HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

I'm 25, graduated college at 23 and started a relationship which I am still in at this time. When I met my boyfriend he talked to several girls he was friends with, he also got mad if I showed any type of jealousy. I had dated a man for 4 years previous and he cheated on me. This was the cause of my insecurity about him talking to other women. I told him about being cheated on and that it takes alot for me to trust a man. You need to ask yourself why you are jealous about him talking to other women? Point is, communication is the key. If you haven't already, sit down with him and have a mature adult conversation about your worries and let him know exactly how it makes you feel, etc. I think you two are going through some power struggles. These happen in every relationship. He wants to know what you're up to 24/7, but its okay for him to go out and do whatever. Its important that you talk to him about it, not nag, not threaten, talk. Hopefully he will respect your feelings and stop some of the behaviors which are bothering you. You ultimately have to choose whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. My boyfriend and I fight often, but it is the way we communicate and we always know whats going on with the other person. Fighting is normal. You need to way your pros and cons with this guy. NO relationship is perfect. No man is perfect. I dated alot of guys before my present man. Based on that I know I have a good guy and the problems we have don't out weigh the good things about the relationship. I think you need to lay down some "rules" of what you expect from him. If he loves and respects you he should try and respect your feelings on these issues. Relationships are tough, especially at our age. You have to decide if you are happy. Do you want to marry him? Does he think he can talk to his ex's when you are married, etc? You need a good heart to heart with this guy. Good luck!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 02:27 PM   #12
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promisez HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
My boyfriend and I fight often, but it is the way we communicate and we always know whats going on with the other person. Fighting is normal.
If thats what works for you thats great but I believe those behaviours are far from normal. I can see disagreements and talking things through but when one refuses to give an inch, as does the other, thats when the fighting starts. A lack of someone agreeing to disagree while both force how "right" they are leads to the fighting. Unfortunately, the usual outcome of fighting is both parties ending up in a courtroom getting protection orders but the wife usually can't get there until she's released from the hospital and he's released on bail. Open honest communication, the ability to agree to disagree, move on and respect the others opinions has always worked for me. The knowledge of how to make a really good bubble bath for your loved one also helps

 
Old 04-22-2004, 05:39 PM   #13
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
If thats what works for you thats great but I believe those behaviours are far from normal. I can see disagreements and talking things through but when one refuses to give an inch, as does the other, thats when the fighting starts. A lack of someone agreeing to disagree while both force how "right" they are leads to the fighting. Unfortunately, the usual outcome of fighting is both parties ending up in a courtroom getting protection orders but the wife usually can't get there until she's released from the hospital and he's released on bail. Open honest communication, the ability to agree to disagree, move on and respect the others opinions has always worked for me. The knowledge of how to make a really good bubble bath for your loved one also helps
Well, Promisez, I think this time you might have used an extreme example. Most "fighting" in your average, non-abusive relationship does not land the woman in a hospital or the couple in the courtroom. Arguments, to a degree, are normal and unavoidable. Actually, I read somewhere that it's not the arguments per se but HOW people fight and how they deal with conflict that makes or breaks the relationship. To an extent, arguments could be healthy, because each person can voice something that bothers them, or that they are categorically opposed to. You can't always pretend everything is dandy when it's not, just to avoid an argument. And think about how much "making up" fun you'd be missing!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 06:05 PM   #14
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promisez HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

I can agree with arguments but the word fighting was specifically used. Then again, I did four years in the Marine Corp during the Vietnam war so the term "fighting" has one definition only for me. A lot of people have those "grey" areas they can go to, I'm still pretty much a black and white person. Guess that comes from only having 2 brain cells left that still havent stopped arguing

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:23 PM   #15
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wendipeach HB User
Re: Crazy? In love?

I can't tell you all how elated, overwhelmed, and fortunate I am to see so many reponses! This is helping me out more than I could imagine. It's alot of food for thought and I hope that I can make use of it all. I think I'm getting the general jist of it all too. I'm not getting the respect that I should be getting. And I think the first place to start is myself. I've noticed just in the past few days how much I lay down to him. I'm not respecting my own desires so how could he? I can also see that not everything that happens is my falut and I need to stand up for myself. We had a good talk lastnight, it's not over, but it was a good start. If he wants to really be a part of my life then he needs to start showing it. I also need to get over the fear of being single agin if it just simply doesn't work out. I think that was probably the answer to promisez first post. I was letting his behavior effect me bacause I was scared of losing him and ending up alone, so I compensated myself, which made me even more frustrated.

Every single post has wonderful advise and I hope they not only help me but help others in similar situations.

Last edited by wendipeach; 04-22-2004 at 07:25 PM.

 
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