I didn't know where else to post this. I feel justified, but I'm trying to just vent and let some of this out before I'm in contact with my boyfriend and rip his head off -_-
Okay. He just bought a house, which has been an interesting topic of conversation as he's not yet ready to live with me (despite the fact we basically stay at eachothers homes on a rotating daily basis :| Two rents for 50% living arrangements.. whatever). Anyway, trying to be the positive girlfriend I offered to take him out for a nice dinner as a 'congrats' gift.
He said we should go tonight, I thought that was a good idea - so we tried to think of a place. Couldn't, so when he left work he asked what I wanted to do, and I told him I wasn't sure, I'd think of a place and let him know when he calls me a little later.
He just called a little while ago, as I was finishing up really cleaning up the house so it was nice for when he comes over, and said "Hey! Ash (a coworker/friend of ours) said his girlfriend is bartending for the first night at this bar, do you want to go have a few drinks with them?"
I replied, "Er.. I thought we were going to go do your dinner tonight?" *trying not to be angry*
"I thought you said you weren't sure if you wanted to go anymore?" (him)
(me) "Uh, no I said I wasn't sure where and that I'd tell you when you called."
"Oh.. well do you want to go have drinks..?"
"Why don't you just go."
"Okay, well I'll go and call you a little bit later okay?"
"Eh, whatever works."
"It's not really an all night kinda thing, I'll call you later."
"k. See ya later."
*STRING OF CURSES*.
How.. can he not see.. how friggin' inconsiderate this is? I'm trying to do something nice for him - FOR HIM - he asked to do it tonight, I got happy about it and tried to plan around for it - cleaned up for a nice little romantic night after a nice dinner. And he picks up on the first other fun thing that pops up and basically cancels our plans.
God, I am SO MAD. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I didn't blow up at him, I'm trying to relax and be calm, but I feel so... hurt.
I don't know what to say when he calls, I don't know know if I want him to come over afterward...
OK, girl, take a deep breath. You told him you didn't really know where you wanted to go -no concrete plans- so when he calls and suggests something you get angry and tell him to go by himself? He was trying to include you in some plans, and I would think would give you enough time to figure out where you wanted to go dine later, and would more than likely end up at your cleaned up place for romance. It's pretty hard for a man to feel romantic, let alone ask someone to live with them, if all they're getting is bitter anger and cursing. Where is the root of your anger coming from? If you feel he's being unfair then maybe you should move on?
No I didn't get angry with him over the phone, I just said he should probably go alone (I didn't want to drive 30 minutes to go have some drinks when I was cleaning!). I didn't give him any attitude about it...
Thing is we were going out to hang out with him until 8 - 8:30, so dinner plans were pretty much out of pocket at that point And he knew it -_-
He doesn't even know I'm upset about this, I was very pleasant on the phone with him (which was actually not easy, but I don't get mad often if ever .. so yeah).
I'm angry that we finally had a day to spend dinner and a few hours together and that he changed his plans to go with the first thing that someone else suggested. We did plan on going to dinner, we just weren't sure where we wanted to go.
Does that make sense? I hear what you're saying, but I'm a pretty far cry from demanding and we rarely get angry or argue with eachother... so it's not like this happens often hehe.
I'm just upset that he didn't consider that I had still wanted to go to dinner as we'd discussed earlier, it hurts my feelings that he'd jump at the first thing that struck his fancy when he knew we were trying to do something together...
We've been dating almost a year, I guess maybe he just doesn't appreciate the nice dates once in a while like I do anymore..?
Going over your first post I'm wondering if you work together or somewhat together (same building?). Are you too accessible to him. When I was a kid (20's) I would be too ready to meld into whatever someone wanted in order to become whatever I thought would be 'loveable'. And I would get angry by myself because of 'him being so selfish' and ended up in a lot of arguments. My root was fear of rejection steming from my childhood of false beliefs. I would always start off being myself (which was what attracted in the first place) and then change to please (not attractive) Any of you in this? I have had a lot of experiences in relationships and took too long to actually be OK with who I was with or without a man in my life. Any of you in this?
Mmm, not so much aside from working together. I've learned a few new sports I find interesting but I haven't changed anything else ... ? I like who I am and who I was before him, if he wanted that to change who I was why be with him at all?
Well, my 2 cents, Destea - I think you had some great ideas for dinner planned for him, and then worked on the assumption that he would be *completely* open to them. HE worked on an opposite assumption, that you'd be open to anything he suggested since the two of you hadn't come up with a concrete suggestion earlier in the day. It's simply a case of disappointment that you're experiencing, because your goals have been thwarted. Unfortunately, he has no idea that you had come up with this great idea and had slaved away cleaning the place for him.
I wonder if a situation like this could have been avoided (or be avoided in the future) if either of you just *called* each other the moment you made a decision on dinner?
Regardless, my suggestion is to let this one go. I mean, there are major issues that warrant fighting over, but this isn't *major* and it's really not worth the hassle. In a year from now, will it matter that you didn't have your congrats dinner with him on this particular date?
I'm the type that makes lots of assumptions and gets disappointed and angry quite easily, and being w/my BF has really taught me that I need to pick my battles.
Anyway, just my thoughts on it. Good luck w/whatever action plan you decide to take!
When he got to my place later last night, we did talk about it. Ultimately he has a tendency to have going-out ADD. If someone calls when he has plans and thinks something else sounds like more fun he'll do that. We've talked about it a few times, but it can be a little hurtful when the plans are with me.
Anyway... we talked it out, I let him know it did make me feel a little disappointed as we'd basically discussed 3 restaurants and I thought I'd just tell him one of those and we'd be done with it, I just wasn't sure which one yet because I had to check menu's online.
Ultimately it worked out okay, I didn't approach him with any animosity or anything, but just truthfulness. I think next time over the phone I'll just bring up something like "Well, I'd like to take you to _____ for dinner tonight... would that be okay?" and see what he says. At least make the interest more known, if not the importance of it to me.
Anyway... thanks guys. I appreciate all of your input.
Ugh Less than a month now.. he leaves May 19th. Now he's just purchased a home and basically a lot of his time and effort is going into that escrow situation (inspections, appraisals, loans etc.) until he leaves, he gets the keys the day before he flies off.
It's been a whirlwind girl A big bad whirlwind haha.
Im just a little worried for you, though, since you two have been together for a year, but he is not really behaving as though he thinks things are as serious as you. Which may just be my interpretation from your posts, but he's buying a house with no plans for you two to marry or even move in together, is going on this lengthy trip with his buddies (and that random chick), and isn't considerate when it comes to plans that you try to make with him.....I guess it would just make me really uncomfortable. I think I'd feel like I was more of a spectator than a participant in his life......
Believe me, we've had that discussion too. I told him a few days ago that I don't feel like he has room for me in his life, like I'm just a random part of it like everything else. He does keep mentioning how he looks forward to moving in, and having me over there and how peaceful and good it will be for us to be in the forest together. The house thing for him is a personal achievement he feels really good about - it's difficult for me because I sort of look at it the way you do (doesn't want me to move in, isn't ready for that, no plans for marriage etc.) but he views it differently. Partially because of his parents (extremely religious, though he is not), and partially because he wants to take it slower than I do (as a result of his last relationship, unfortunately).
I know that I am currently further ahead in the relationship than he is. And he knows it too, we haven't mixed up words when it comes to that subject in the least. I've made it open and clear that I feel ready for some kind of next step (moving in together, something), and he's made it clear he just isn't quite ready yet. I can exhibit some patience in this, but I think inside myself I'm starting to set limits, I can only put off what I want and need for so long... but again, it's only almost been a year, it's not like we're an old-time couple or anything... he still has some time before my clock ticks out And I know he's doing his best, it's just not what I want - I can deal with that for a little while.
Thanks for your interest though, it's nice to hear I'm not crazy in feeling the way I do about the house or the trip.
The trip for me... eh, I understand it. I do NOT like it, one bit, but I understand it. Once in a life time for a guy that loves to travel and explore. He only see's this friend of his once every few years, so he's really looking forward to that - plus the wedding aspect of his best friend for the first 6 days...
What do you do? It's one of his loves... I hate how long it is and I hate that a bit of the time will be spent with some strange woman touring he and Brian around (though, Brian is single, so maybe he'll take care of that issue hah!!).
One of my major problems in the relationship is his tendency to be (stupidly) selfish. He doesn't try to be, he doesn't specifically think "OH this is what I want to do so forget everything else!", but he's used to it. We've talked about it, he recognizes and actually does want to change it, but... it's going to take some time. He just asked that I gently remind him if I feel he's doing something selfish so he can learn to recognize and rethink actions as he's going through them
Is he a lot older than you?? I'm getting that "I've been a bachelor too long, I'm never gonna settle down" vibe from this situation. Please be careful. You have a lot more emotionally invested in this than he does.....
He's 31, but definitely wants to start building up for a marriage and children. He already feels behind the ball on all of that, he just wants to be sure. I can wait another year and a half more than likely, but beyond that I'm not willing to see if someone needs 7 years to decide they don't want to have me around forever :P
One of my major problems in the relationship is his tendency to be (stupidly) selfish. He doesn't try to be, he doesn't specifically think "OH this is what I want to do so forget everything else!", but he's used to it.
I always say that there is no consolation to knowingly hurting people, so long as there was no malicious intent.
I just love it when I hear a perpetrator of infidelity say, I didn't mean to hurt my spouse or family. The knowledge that what you are doing will be hurtful is the only important point. That you did not set out to do this as your main objective is irrelevant. No one says, I had an affair because I was looking forward to you finding out so that you would be hurt. No one says, I am going to be selfish on purpose in hopes that you will somehow be hurt by my selfishness. So why do we even phrase these things as though this is a norm?
If a person acts in a way that they know full well will be hurtful or painful to their spouse/bf/gf, then they are just as culpable as though they did it with the intent to hurt. If you know your behavior will cause pain, after being made aware of it, you can choose not to do it. If you chose to do it, you are knowingly and willfully hurting the one you love. Direct intent doesnít matter.
Consider these behaviors seriously. I trust you have told him that his "selfishness" is hurtful to you.
Well, when you put it that way, yeah.. you're right.
Last night I told him when things like this come up it makes me concerned that we aren't going to make it.
He brought up the idea of going with me to my therapist once or twice (she also does couples counciling) to see about getting another perspective. I can't say all of the problems are on him, though some are, because I'm certainly at fault for things too. (A little too dependent sometimes, clingy etc.)
Either way, I'm definitely going to think about what you just said.