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Old 04-23-2004, 08:38 AM   #1
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kbell HB User
what would you do if?

here's my situation and I'm just looking for people's opinions so feel free to put your 2 cents in. I am with someone I've been dating for 6 months and I are at somewhat of a crossroads in our relationship (maybe I'm the only one at a crossroads). We were together for a little over a month before we told each other we loved each other. I was stupid in love with this guy and still am. About a month ago, I asked him if he was cheating on me. I had no proof, no basis for the accusation, and no reason but my own abysmally low self-esteem and irrational fear at the time (depression). He understandably got angry with me and stopped feeling any love for me. He is no longer upset with me and we're still exclusive with each other. I don't want to waste my time waiting around for his feelings return but I do love him and don't really want to be with anyone else. So I here's the age old question, Joe Strummer said it best, should I stay or should I go?

 
Old 04-23-2004, 09:08 AM   #2
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

I believe you should stay. For one you were going through a tough time with depression and he should have seen that but by asking a man that question and they are not cheating that can lose the sense of trust. Another words by you asking is he cheating without any visible evidence it was a set back to him. He feels as if you don't trust him. He will gain back what he had before but with something with this magnitude it may take some time. Just be patient.

 
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:11 AM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Please, oh please - do not let your abysmally low self-esteem and irrational fear win out. If you are in a relationship with a man that is having sex with a person he has no feelings for, GO!!!

Or stay and let your self esteem dig a hole even deeper. If you do, it will.

Last edited by Salinas1; 04-23-2004 at 09:12 AM.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 09:39 AM   #4
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Re: what would you do if?

I don't know how old you are, but you do identify low self esteem. Please take the time for yourself to explore why you feel this way - you will have a difficult time fully enjoying a good relationship (and probably draw men that will exploit your feelings of lowness) unless you learn to love and except yourself first. better to be alone than have a man around in a relationship that magnifies low self esteem - you can do that on my own! Take the time to find your own value, find the root cause of your low self esteem - then the 'right man' will come along and it will work. Don't get into a relationship just to make you feel worthy - there's something else going on here that you're ignoring. Just my opinion. Good luck.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 09:49 AM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: what would you do if?

If one is "stupid in love" and love isnt stupid, its a no brainer.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 09:50 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Salinas1-

She had no proof he was cheating. She was going through a rough time when she asked him. I don't feel she should just go yet. She ask a question that had no logical evidence to support. How do we know he was cheating?

Asking this questioning to anyone would pull them back especially if nothing is happening. A question like this can set anyone back from trust. This question is simply saying that you don't have trust for that person and you have to ask it without anything to back it up.

He stayed with her which is a great thing but it will take some time for him to finally think she does have trust for him.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:01 AM   #7
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
Salinas1-Asking this questioning to anyone would pull them back especially if nothing is happening. A question like this can set anyone back from trust. This question is simply saying that you don't have trust for that person and you have to ask it without anything to back it up.
He stayed with her which is a great thing but it will take some time for him to finally think she does have trust for him.
Jeff, it has nothing to do with him cheating or not.

From what she says, he is neither distrusting of her or upset with her. He feels no love for her . Heís not simply ďpulling backĒ. He has already backed out all the way. What man would stay and have free sex with a woman he has proclaimed no love for. Wait a minute - donít answer that. I know what kind, and itís not a pretty picture.

This is not some sulking man who is just trying to milk it. She says he does not love her. When you add to this that she, of her own admission, has abysmally low self-esteem, it is a combination for emotional disaster.

Jeff, he doesn't love her. What is there to wait for and why would you?

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:20 AM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Love is not a Light switch with feelings being turned off and on....

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:24 AM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Salinas1~


He does love her and she even stated that but after she asked this question he backed off. Its sort of like he got lost with a mix of feeling and emotions. She has no evidence she is or has cheated and as far as I am concerned he isn't.

If he didn't love her then he would have left felling she has no trust. Being approach with a question like this when you know you not doing it can hurt. What kind of evidence can you support he doesn't love her? He said it only after a month going out and still is with her. I am sure you may get feel lost if you Hubby/BF said somthing like this...wouldn't you feel they don't have any trust for you?

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:25 AM   #10
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kbell HB User
Re: what would you do if?

ok. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't trust me but then I don't fully trust him either. It's not something I give freely or easily because I did at one time and got burned for it. I don't suffer from abysmally low self esteem now. That was a product of my depression which is now under control. I know my worth. He does too because he's flat out told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else just doesn't feel the love he once felt for me.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:41 AM   #11
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kbell
ok. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't trust me but then I don't fully trust him either. It's not something I give freely or easily because I did at one time and got burned for it. I don't suffer from abysmally low self esteem now. That was a product of my depression which is now under control. I know my worth. He does too because he's flat out told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else just doesn't feel the love he once felt for me.

Ok, you just said you don't give out your Trust easily, then why did you give your love out freely? I have to TRUST someone before Loving them..
Then...you said he Flat Out told you he doesn't feel the love he once felt for you...SO....how can you trust you love for him?

Take a break and see where it ends.....
That's all the advise I can think of...

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:01 AM   #12
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eightball61 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kbell
ok. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't trust me but then I don't fully trust him either. It's not something I give freely or easily because I did at one time and got burned for it. I don't suffer from abysmally low self esteem now. That was a product of my depression which is now under control. I know my worth. He does too because he's flat out told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else just doesn't feel the love he once felt for me.
If theres not much trust there then you know what needs to be done if it can't be fixed. But he loves you and his trust yours will regain but it will take time, effort, and communication to solve this.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:11 AM   #13
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
If theres not much trust there then you know what needs to be done if it can't be fixed. But he loves you and his trust yours will regain but it will take time, effort, and communication to solve this.
Jeff, I try very hard not to make up possible scenarios when people post what they post. In the original post her exact words were:

He understandably got angry with me and stopped feeling any love for me.

Stopped feeling any love for me. I don't know how you equate this to him still loving her. Where did you see this in her post? I can imagine a lot of scenarios based on what she didn't say, but I can only know for sure what she did say. Stopped feeling any love for me seems pretty clear. Of course, I realize in her second post it has softened to doesn't feel the love he once felt .

That is a different animal with a completely different meaning.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:28 AM   #14
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Just my two cents, but it sounds as if he wants to punish you for not trusting him and for accusing him of cheating, so he's told you he's going to withhold his love for you until further notice. I may be missing something, but if he's not willing to forgive you and understand it was part of your mood disorder and not an issue of trust, and he still wants you all to himself but tells you "but remember, I don't love you like I used to," it sounds like a head game to me. I agree with Girlharley, true love doesn't turn on and off like a faucet. If I were in this situation, I'd ask him why he's not willing to forgive me my low self esteem and paranoia, and why does one slip kill the love he had for me. Sorry, but to me, this guy doesn't sound terribly committed. It's hard for me to imagine a happy ending here.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:29 AM   #15
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: what would you do if?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kbell
ok. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't trust me but then I don't fully trust him either...

...I know my worth. He does too because he's flat out told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else just doesn't feel the love he once felt for me.
Something is just not right here. You need to put this "love" thing out of the equation for a bit, think with a clear head, and do some serious soul searching to make a decision that only you can really have the answer for.

 
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