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Old 04-23-2004, 09:41 AM   #1
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newlywedgurl HB User
Sweet or Selfish???

Your S.O. says "I know something you don't know" meaning "I have a surprise for you." They then tell you they ordered something from Fredrick's...it'll be here Monday. I'm really ticked off by this!! Here I am trying to think of special things I can do to surprise Dh for his B-Day and his "surprise" for me is something from Fredricks?!?!

I'm just livid right this moment.......I was obviously disappointed when he told me where it was from. THe only reason you shop there is to get things women wear FOR men.....so it wasn't really a "prize" for me....not like it was for him. It was only a pair of shoes and a shirt, but that is beside the point.

He has spent $600 in the past 2 mos. on new clothes for himself, we just spent $1000 having his vehicle fixed, and are going to the beach for 4 days. Cancelled my hair appt. last night to take him to the eye doctor for an eye infection, rubbed him down so he wouldn't peel from us going to the tanning bed.......and he's going to "surprise" me with something from Fredrick's??

His thinking? I was trying to do something nice for you. You don't buy yourself new clothes, thought I would get some for you. Mine?? If you only wanted to get me something new to wear, you wouldnt have been shopping online at Fredrick's.

Go ahead, flame me for being mad about something so superficial.........tell me I'm being a B*t*h.....

Am I??

 
Old 04-23-2004, 09:57 AM   #2
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Re: Sweet or Selfish???

You're married. Get used to it. They think different than us. Period. Accept his gifts now and gently let him know 'next time' what you might like different. Let him know you really like him thinking about you and buying you things BUT ......
this is a never-ending senario that will continue no matter who you're married to or how long. My co-worker and I just had the same conversation this morning about our husbands

 
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Old 04-23-2004, 10:02 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
THe only reason you shop there is to get things women wear FOR men.....
You not...

Anyways this still shouldn't stop you from doing something nice. He does it all the time and you should have expected it to happen again. When you go on your get away you should still suprise him with something.

As goes for the gift he is getting you..... well. ......Its pleasure for the both of you. He got it for his sake of entertainment but he is also doing it to spice some other things up to have a different setting (if you get my drift).

I understand you are mad but don't let this stop you from doing somthing special. If you plan to bring this to your getaway plan something special suprise with him for that night.

Last edited by eightball61; 04-23-2004 at 10:05 AM.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:03 AM   #4
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by jomotah
You're married. Get used to it. They think different than us. Period. Accept his gifts now and gently let him know 'next time' what you might like different. Let him know you really like him thinking about you and buying you things BUT ......
this is a never-ending senario that will continue no matter who you're married to or how long. My co-worker and I just had the same conversation this morning about our husbands
Ugh.....I'm still mad. I probably wouldn't have been, except that while we were waiting for the eye doc to show up after hours, hubby and I were talking about those "stripper" heels--you know...the ones that have the platform bottom and chunky heels that lace all the way up the calf?? I KNOW that's what he was looking for. And that's really what made me angry. And he's gonna play it off like "Oh no, sweetie, I was trying to do something nice. Pat me on the head."

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:12 AM   #5
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Ugh.....I'm still mad. I probably wouldn't have been, except that while we were waiting for the eye doc to show up after hours, hubby and I were talking about those "stripper" heels--you know...the ones that have the platform bottom and chunky heels that lace all the way up the calf?? I KNOW that's what he was looking for. And that's really what made me angry. And he's gonna play it off like "Oh no, sweetie, I was trying to do something nice. Pat me on the head."
Wait a minute, isn't this the same guy that surprised you with dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant one evening, woke you up from a nap to find a bubble bath and chilled wine that he had sent up. And then added an appetizer at dinner that just happened to be a pair of pearl earrings that he had snuck out to buy you while you were asleep. Is he also the same guy that you said surprises you all the time & tends to go all out.

Which of these things is not like the other?

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:31 AM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
Wait a minute, isn't this the same guy that surprised you with dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant one evening, woke you up from a nap to find a bubble bath and chilled wine that he had sent up. And then added an appetizer at dinner that just happened to be a pair of pearl earrings that he had snuck out to buy you while you were asleep. Is he also the same guy that you said surprises you all the time & tends to go all out.

Which of these things is not like the other?
Thats what I mean lol. This is the same guy that always suprises you why wouldn't you think he would have done it this time. You both are going away soon plan somthing for him don't let this one get to you.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:36 AM   #7
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Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Your not a b......I know how you feel.
I'm in the same boat as you...I get surprised all the time with my finace.

Because you mentioned the dollar amount...I think that's what's buggin you?
Your married, you like surprises, but not when the bill comes in....

 
Old 04-23-2004, 10:49 AM   #8
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promisez HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

I'll let you decide just how superficial it is. If he was buying something women wear FOR men, you can bet your butt I would have bought you a negligee unless I got really turned on by your shoes and shirts. I'll admit, I am a bit biased, I live alone making about 10 bucks an hour so a haircut? Thats a luxury about once every two months. A rubdown? Nope, in Japan I learned how to do a Shatzu massage, takes about an hour but cannot be given to oneself properly. A grand to fix a car? I'm sure he didnt go out of his way to force it to breakdown so he could spend money on it. My car isn't even worth that. Its price tag consists of two words, scrap value. Tanning beds, beaches. (sigh) Luxuries I may never see again. My answer to your final question? Yes. Now I'll get you even more mad at me and explain why. You referred to that gift as a "prize". Exactly what game are we playing, who can pick the best gift? I spent 4 months in a homeless shelter through the Christmas holidays four years ago and learned the true value of "stuff" versus emotions like love and consideration. The most wonderful gift I could receive would be a hug, a kiss and the eyes saying I love you. Everything else is fluff.

ps..I was given a pair of knee high steel toed trucker boots but that doesn't mean I'm going to drive a tractor trailer

Last edited by promisez; 04-23-2004 at 10:55 AM.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:18 AM   #9
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
Because you mentioned the dollar amount...I think that's what's buggin you? Your married, you like surprises, but not when the bill comes in....
GH, I sense that it is not the money, it is that he bought something under the guise of being for her, but it's really for her to wear for him. So it isn't so much for her after all. She said, "THe only reason you shop there is to get things women wear FOR men.....so it wasn't really a "prize" for me...."

She is mad because he really bought it for him but wants to present himself as having bought something for her. Of course that he spends money on himself likely ads fuel to the fire.

Still, I don't get it. She has said how much he does surprise her and does buy her things. Maybe just not as much as she would like or in parity with what he buys for himself.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:28 AM   #10
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
GH, I sense that it is not the money, it is that he bought something under the guise of being for her, but it's really for her to wear for him. So it isn't so much for her after all. She said, "THe only reason you shop there is to get things women wear FOR men.....so it wasn't really a "prize" for me...."

She is mad because he really bought it for him but wants to present himself as having bought something for her. Of course that he spends money on himself likely ads fuel to the fire.

Still, I don't get it. She has said how much he does surprise her and does buy her things. Maybe just not as much as she would like or in parity with what he buys for himself.
Yes!!! Yes!! Yes!! That's exactly what it is.

The example I gave was from our honeymoon, all of those things occurred in the same night, which was back in DECEMBER, as well. Seems like its been a while since he's done anything like that...... in the meantime, I feel like I have been making quite an effort to do those "little" things that are actually big things--I would assume for both of us.

Can't remember the last time I asked him to do something w/o getting the *heavy sigh,* though to his credit, it has been their busy season and he has been working like crazy. I'm not a needy, demanding person--he'd tell you that as well. But, as I have tried to express to him, sometimes I need a "recharge" too.....

No, promisez, it's not a contest...not as far as I'm concerned, though that is one area that I try to talk to him regularly about. Not everything has to be a contest of who's "right" or who's "wrong" or some mindless power struggle.....I don;t know if he believes me though! lol

GirlHarley--the money IS part of the issue. He's never been out on his own before and he's certainly never been broke. I don't think he understands that you have to plan ahead to a certain extent. We just got caught up on everything....and I dont want to get behind again....

But Salinas NAILED it. That is exactly why I'm upset. And yes, he admitted that he was hunting those shoes. They didn't have any. So he ordered some other ones. And no, they weren't stripper shoes! But it's still the PRINCIPLE of it!!

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:50 AM   #11
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Re: Sweet or Selfish???

I wrote to your other thread about what to do to surprise him that you should buy yourself some lingerie and surprise him by wearing it. But, my computer froze and I didn't get to post it. :lol

I totally understand why you would have a problem with this and you can even tell him that this present is for him and not for you but I wouldn't dwell on it or put too much stock in this. Once he knows how you feel, just let it go.

One time I asked my dh what he wanted for his birthday and he told me that he wanted me to get dressed up for him so I bought an outfit complete with shoes that I couln't walk in. I've worn it about three times in the last three years. Men are just into these things but it does nothing for me.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 11:56 AM   #12
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Well, it's not like I don't wear lingerie. But that is something that I do for him kinda on my own terms. I feel like that is my "gift" to him, so to speak. So by him "surprising" me with something like that, he's taking MY choice out of it....it ends up coming across as something I feel like I am obligated to do (which takes all the fun out of it).

Salinas is still right, though. It was the fact that he was trying to doing something for himself and was trying to pass it off as though he was doing it to be sweet to me instead of doing something that was genuinely sweet and selfless.....it wasn't about what I might need or want. It was about him....at least that's how I feel.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 12:03 PM   #13
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Why can't anyone except the fact of having a present to enjoy for 2 rather than 1. Its like buying a house, going to dinner, or having a baby: We do it together. It may seem its more into his favor but shouldn't you be happy that he got you a present?

This present is something you both can enjoy together. You both can't share it but enjoy it. Alot of times presents are just meant for one person but once in a while bend the rules and get something for 2.

I really don't know much about you and you may not be exceoting into something like this but he though it would be decent for you both to have and enjoy. What happens if you were to get a gift to share for him like a mirrow for the bedroom. He will love it because you got it as a gift but he doesn't have much use and time for it being a guy.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 12:35 PM   #14
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Re: Sweet or Selfish???

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Your S.O. says "I know something you don't know" meaning "I have a surprise for you." They then tell you they ordered something from Fredrick's...it'll be here Monday. I'm really ticked off by this!! Here I am trying to think of special things I can do to surprise Dh for his B-Day and his "surprise" for me is something from Fredricks?!?!
Suprise him, buy him a cheap toolset like Craftsmen or anything Black & Decker! That will teach him!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
I'm just livid right this moment.......I was obviously disappointed when he told me where it was from. THe only reason you shop there is to get things women wear FOR men.....so it wasn't really a "prize" for me....not like it was for him. It was only a pair of shoes and a shirt, but that is beside the point.
I don't get it. Isn't the reason everyone one dresses up in many cases is for the benefit of others. I mean, this is the guy you thought enough about to have married only a few months ago. Do you really think that his intention was entirely for his own selfish benefit. There are a lot of women who would be flattered to know that someone feels she would look good in anything from Fred's or Vicky's.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
He has spent $600 in the past 2 mos. on new clothes for himself, we just spent $1000 having his vehicle fixed, and are going to the beach for 4 days. Cancelled my hair appt. last night to take him to the eye doctor for an eye infection, rubbed him down so he wouldn't peel from us going to the tanning bed.......and he's going to "surprise" me with something from Fredrick's??
Oh Yes. This really is about money to a big extent as much as you don't want to admit it. Not necessarily in a selfish way, but still the issue is about money. You could have saved some money by getting a tan at the beach, BUT!, you want to look good "for the benefit of others" or how others are going to see you. Why not look good for your husband as well?... It's about money.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
His thinking? I was trying to do something nice for you. You don't buy yourself new clothes, thought I would get some for you. Mine?? If you only wanted to get me something new to wear, you wouldnt have been shopping online at Fredrick's.
Yes, I agree. A his and her's toolset with matching coveralls would have been better. You could have fixed your own vehicle and saved more money.

Seriously, you are not being superficial and you are not being a "beach", but you do have a long way to go in this marriage, newlywedgurl.

Last edited by Hoop; 04-23-2004 at 12:36 PM.

 
Old 04-23-2004, 12:47 PM   #15
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annebash HB User
Re: Sweet or Selfish???

first off, Im not surprised that salinas totally "got it". She is unbelievably perceptive. Secondly, my husband doesnt do much for me. I would kill for a little "surprise" from him. Im so attention starved, that when he brings me home trashy (but cute) undies to model, Im very very flattered and I wear them for him. Im just glad that I still turn him on. Is that sad???lol

 
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