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Old 04-24-2004, 10:22 PM   #1
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Getting too hard...

My partner and I seperated for about the fourth time 3 months ago. 3 years prior to that we went through very rough times. Unfortunately I was suffering some trauma experienced through her. I was distant to her children and blaming of her. It was all resolved about 2 months ago. During the three year period we had a beautiful baby son, who I see three times a week. So I get to see her as well. About three weeks after the actual split I told her that the healing had finished, apologised for not being able to cope and not having control, and explained to her how sad I was for the pain I had caused her. I told her I wanted to take care of her and that I was back to having the same feelings I had for her from 5 years past (it is strange how overcoming trauma works). So for the last 2 months I have been trying to build a relationship again. I will visit and tell her how I felt, and she would say she would think about it. At the same time I noticed that a car was always there ( I never go inside). I asked her who it belonged to and she just said a friend of her girls, recently she said it belongs to just a friend. Every night it is there. Basically someone has moved in. But she tells me she is seeing no one and that she is not in a relationship. I know that it is a guy and he is there every night, which I am struggling to deal with. I love this woman so much. It feels to me as if I were asleep for three years and just woke up. Only the feelings now are 100 fold.

She has recently said she will go out on a date with me. All she says to me is the car belongs to just a friend. I ask her do you have feelings for this person and she just says it is just a friend. I admit I feel like nothing knowing some guy is making love to the person I believe God sent me. But when I ask her she says no she is in no relationship.

Now she has accepted to going out on a date but this person is there. Because she has kids she will not just let a guy into the house so she must have some feelings for him. What do you think. I will strive to win her heart again because I truly feel God sent her to me but this is getting too hard for me.

 
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Old 04-25-2004, 06:01 AM   #2
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Re: Getting too hard...

Let me try to understand. You've split four times, she's traumatized you, she has another male in the house and you aren't allowed in. On top of that you don't trust her in what she says and you've got them bedding down together in your mind. You've been trying to reform a relationship that she wants no part of it seems. If this is Gods gift to you I REALLY wonder what you did to deserve all that crap! When or if she asks for child support you better demand a blood test, sounds more like the kid is this guys.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 06:53 AM   #3
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Re: Getting too hard...

Quote:
Originally Posted by HonestTruth
I will strive to win her heart again because I truly feel God sent her to me but this is getting too hard for me.
While God may offer us opportunities to test our character and will, I hardly imagine that He would be responsible for sending you your intended parter only to enable the scenario you have described.

You make a point of not asking for any specific input or suggestion. This being the case, are you posting to see your own thougths in print.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 07:45 AM   #4
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Re: Getting too hard...

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Let me try to understand. You've split four times, she's traumatized you, she has another male in the house and you aren't allowed in. On top of that you don't trust her in what she says and you've got them bedding down together in your mind. You've been trying to reform a relationship that she wants no part of it seems. If this is Gods gift to you I REALLY wonder what you did to deserve all that crap! When or if she asks for child support you better demand a blood test, sounds more like the kid is this guys.
We met over 5 years ago. At that time she was in an unhappy marriage. She had gone trough a very rough child hood. For example her dad left her mum when she was young. When she was 13 her mother committed suicide. She got shipped around (trauma has nothing to do with this. Something that happened later on in life).

She was the first ever relationship I had ever been. I loved most finding that special person underneath all the hurt and seeing her smile and be alive when she no longer felt inferior. During the first 2 years she was still living with her exhusband. This was very difficult but she is so special.

Just before she moved out and we moved together is when the incident that cause the trauma occurred. When she moved out from her exs, she moved 500 miles away. I stayed behind for work. So at the beginning of our actual time with just us it was long distance. After 6 months she moved down with me. Just didn't want to move the children straight in with me from the split. This is the basic beginning of the three year period.

The child is mine. She is not promiscuous. Beautiful beautiful boy.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 08:08 AM   #5
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Re: Getting too hard...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Salinas1
While God may offer us opportunities to test our character and will, I hardly imagine that He would be responsible for sending you your intended parter only to enable the scenario you have described.

You make a point of not asking for any specific input or suggestion. This being the case, are you posting to see your own thougths in print.

I want to know what people think? Why someone so fast? Why say she will go out on a date wth me? Has she moved on but cannot say it even though I ask her directly while looking at her and she answers as if they truthful. So confusing, always worried I am going to loose her I mean some other guy is there. Just wanted to know what people thought.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 09:35 AM   #6
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Re: Getting too hard...

Lose her? It doesn't sound like you ever HAD her. If this is the only relationship that you've ever had, I think that you owe it to yourself to move on and find someone else.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 11:02 AM   #7
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Re: Getting too hard...

Sounds like she has always "needed" someone there with her and she has that now. Unfortunately, its not you at this point so you may just want to start your own relationship and give her the space and time without the 20 questions or the mental innuendoes.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 11:03 AM   #8
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Re: Getting too hard...

I suspected you were going to get hammered on this one. If you've split 4 times in the past already, I can imagine her dealing with believing anything you have to say having any merit anymore.

You screwed up. You need to realize this and be prepared for whatever decision she eventually decides to make. You mentioned that you met her when she was still married... It's coming around now. The guy is probably more than just a friend. Accept it and quit asking her about it.

The way you talk about her now, you need to get your actions and your feelings in synch. If this other guy is just slightly any better at treating her with the attention an respect she deserves, you better be prepared to move on.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 09:03 AM   #9
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Re: Getting too hard...

You both have a a rocky relationship. Right now she is on a path to find someone that is right for her. She has accepting you on a date but she still wants to explore her options.

She sees that this relationship is rocky and thats why she is trying to find someone able to commit to life with her. She won't just let any guy into the house I am sure for the protection of the kids but if she finds someone who she thinks is capable of being with her and handling these conditions then she will open the door.

For now you need to think on what you want. I am sure you sone means the worls to you but think of the reason on why you both split up 4 times. Is that enough to say it make work long-term?

 
Old 04-26-2004, 06:01 PM   #10
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Re: Getting too hard...

I agree with Hoop. You can't just go back and forth and fluctuate in your feelings like that. This woman has children and had some rough relationships in the past, so she doesn't need any more instability. Why couldn't you marry her when the two of you were together, especially after having a child? Why did you break up so many times? And now, how do you know who lives in that house? Have you seen this person? Do you know for a fact that this is a man, or are you just assuming things? If she agreed to a date with you, she might still be considering taking you back, but you have to show her that you are a stable person, not changing your mind back and forth. Sorry if I misinterpreted your post, but i'm trying my best, given the information you presented. Do you only want her back because you can't have her?

 
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