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Old 04-25-2004, 08:44 PM   #1
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She's come back...but what am I to do?

Late last night I get a phone call. The caller ID says it's from a hotel not too far from where I live. I pick it up and it's my ex gf. Many of you remember me and my situation with my ex about 5 months ago and how some of her actions weren't making sense and so on and so on. But you also know how much this girl meant me. She meant everything to me. And in her words, I meant everything to her...or so I thought. Anyway's she called to say she was in town and that she really needed to talk to someone and I was the first she thought of. I hesitated, but remembered telling her before I ended the relationship that I would be there if anything should happen. Well, it did. So, I decided to go ahead and pick her up and talk. I picked her up and we went out for coffee. Couple weeks after our break-up she started seeing someone else. She said he was a good guy from the start but soon felt as though he was cheating on her. There were obvious signs like him staying out late and coming home drunk smelling like perfume. First thing that struck me was the fact she moved in with the idiot almost right away. Anyways, she kept going on about that until she showed me her bruises. Her bf had thrown her against the wall and hurt pretty bad. She also had bruises on her legs and right arm. Now if you guys remembered, her previous bf BEFORE me was also abusive and treated her the same way. Now the bf AFTER me was basically the same kinda guy. It hurt seeing her like this but I knew I couldn't really do anything but listen. I had the tendency to get up and drive over to the cowards house and beat him just as bad but I knew that wasn't reality. After coffee we spent the whole night in my car talking and I swear it was though we were together again, though just for a while. To hold her again and to know that she was safe in my arms, made us both feel like, why? Why did it really end? Is it my fault I didn't help her in the beginning with her first bf? If I hadn't ended it, would this had never have happened? It seemed as though all of these thoughts rushed into my mind at once. But at the same time I felt as though everything was now going to be all right. I really didn't expect her to go through this ***** again. But she has, and once again, I'm at a loss. Like many of you know, she doesn't have many positive people in her life. It makes me sad to know that she has no one to really talk to but me. Even though this is the first time we've spoken since the break-up. I really still do care for this girl. Maybe more now than before...but what am I to do?????

 
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Old 04-25-2004, 09:22 PM   #2
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

I missed your previous post. It seems she didn't hesitate to show you her bruises. Seems she can really pick some losers with you being the exception. Assuming these bruises are not self inflicted in an effort to win back your sympathy, you need to have a more serious talk with her. I get the impression she either needs your help to get back on her feet and get away from this creep or she may want to get back together with you.

I think we are talking about two kinds of hurt here. The physical abuse she recently has had to endure and the emotional hurt she inflicted on you on when you both split up. She really needs to understand this, that she is not the only one that was hurt by all that has happened. It may help her grow up, realize what she has with someone like you and quit picking losers.

You seem to have a good heart. You'll figure out what to do.

Last edited by Hoop; 04-25-2004 at 09:28 PM.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 08:05 AM   #3
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

The odds are against her...2 out of her last 3 boyfriends beat her. Right now she sees you as a safe guard and thats why she came to you. You are only one of the few men in her life that she could openly discuss her problems.

What you need to do is be there for her as a friend and make sure she gets back up on the right track. She needs somone like you because she is not very strong.

For now you need to stop thinking about you and her getting into another relationship. You even said it that she doesn't have a lot of positive thing. Treat her in a friend;y matter and if you things taken a turn just wait to take that next step. Her mind is confused and she needs to refigure who she is and what she actually needs in her life.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 10:07 AM   #4
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr_DoOoOoM
I really still do care for this girl. Maybe more now than before...but what am I to do?????
Pick up a phone book and look in the yellow pages for Social and Human Services, Domestic Violence or similar, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get the names and numbers of agencies in your area. Then help your friend get involved with the services that meet her needs. This really isn't a situation you can handle, no matter how much you care, because you don't have the tools. Unless she deals with the issues that cause her to keep opting into destructive relationships she'll keep repeating the pattern. Encouraging her to get help might keep both of you from being victimized.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 10:51 AM   #5
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

She sounds like she is just one of those girls, that will be with this kind of guy no matter what. You can give her advice and all but nothing will ever help. I say just never talk to her again, it will just cause you mixed emotions that you don't need. If you go back with her again, history does have a way of repeating itself. As she has clearly shown.

Oh. Hello everyone its been a while.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 10:57 AM   #6
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

your friend has to want to get out of this situation in order for it to happen...i know it's hard to get that strength, but i know from experience it can be done...she needs to realize she is better off without him and there ARE men in the world that won't beat you...take my hubby for example...if he sees a woman being mistreated like that in public, he'll step in...makes me so proud of him...also, we were at a rowdy concert once and there was this girl there by herself...she was being pushed all over the place...my hubby stepped in and protected her and me...and we were all able to enjoy things...

she needs to sit down and think about what it is about these guys that always draws her to them...that way it won't happen again...

right now, i think you need to be just her friend...she needs somebody to give her that nudge to get away...

and hi corey

 
Old 04-26-2004, 11:28 AM   #7
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CoreyP
She sounds like she is just one of those girls, that will be with this kind of guy no matter what.
Hey Corey ,

I am sure she doesn't just go up and pick these guys out. It may be a certain attraction she has when looking for a guy. She may be looking at the rough kind of guy. This is the guy who thinks he may be bad and wears the clothing to do so. These guys may put a good impression but when she gets to know them they are not the good guy she once knew.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 11:43 AM   #8
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

That must be a very difficult situation for you. I'm sure you still care about the girl, but whatever you do, I would not get involved with her romantically, at least not for a while. It seems that she is prone to make very wrong choices in men and she needs help to change whatever it is in her that allows her to get involved with abusive men, time after time. You can encourage her to get the help she needs and be a supportive friend, if you can, given the fact that she broke your heart to be with this abusive guy, but unfortunately, you are not qualified to help her on a large scale. She needs a professional, like a therapist to resolve these problems she has. What about her parents, maybe they could help her get into therapy?

And Corey, welcome back! hope you had a great vacation.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 11:55 AM   #9
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
She needs a professional, like a therapist to resolve these problems she has. What about her parents, maybe they could help her get into therapy?

I agree

He did state that she is around a lot of negative people and her parents are in the same catagory then the only hope this girl has is him and a perfessional. Its good that he is so kind to her and she does see that. I don't think he should pass a move until settled down and a professional may be the best route.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 02:14 PM   #10
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

hello Jeff,

I wouldn't be so sure about that. I know lots of these women, that go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. Sounds like one of these girls. She subconciously looks for them.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 02:35 PM   #11
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CoreyP
hello Jeff,

I wouldn't be so sure about that. I know lots of these women, that go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. Sounds like one of these girls. She subconciously looks for them.
Maybe I am not getting it but I find it hard to believe she knows when a guy is abusive and thats why i think its the attraction. You see I find it hard to predict the actions of another person whether if I know them or not. So how can she know how this guy maybe abusive?

Thats why I am saying thats it the attraction. When she sees this type and the way they dress, hang, or thier attitude; she feels she needs a badboy and this is what happens.

 
Old 04-26-2004, 08:56 PM   #12
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

I have yet to speak with her since our last time together. Although, I do believe she called like she said, but I was gone all day so I didn't have a chance to catch her. Most of you are dead on in your advise and I really do appreciate the help. Like many of you said, I also believe this cannnot go any further than a friendship. But she is still in a dangerous position and I cannot turn away from her now. I'll keep you posted once I talk with her again and trust me I'll be using some of your guy's advise in the convo, you can bet on that.

Last edited by Dr_DoOoOoM; 04-26-2004 at 09:04 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 07:34 AM   #13
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

Good for you, As long as you know what you are doing you should be fine. I didn't read through every post, but did she have an abusive or traumatic childhood? I have been with girls who always seem to end up with one of these men. They always had a father that was just like the men they date.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 10:50 AM   #14
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

good, keep us posted on what happens...i hate the thought of anybody getting abused, but it's everywhere it seems...i'm glad you are going to take that step and try to help her...

 
Old 04-27-2004, 02:39 PM   #15
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Re: She's come back...but what am I to do?

I heard somewhere once that love contains within it the contradiction of trying to return to the past, and trying to undo the past. If her father was abusive, on some subconscious level she is attracted to men who behave like her father, and then she hopes she can undo the past by forming a relationship with these guys and making it turn out better, "fixing" the past by being with a man who's abusive like her dad, and then winning his love. It's like winning her father's love. What she needs to do is figure out what she's trying to undo, whether it's her father, brother, first love, or whatever, and get professional help to make her understand it wasn't her fault that man abused her and she can never undo the past by trying to relive it and make it come out better. She needs to move forward. She is most likely going to need counseling to get through this. I agree, keep it platonic for now. Let her know you're there for her, but keep romance on the back burner till she gets her head together. When she realized love doesn't have to hurt and she doesn't have to pick a man like the one who first abused her to feel like she can earn and deserve love, she may just be ready to give you another try and you may find the girl underneath all this mess is the one for you. And by all means, keep yourself safe. Don't try to get into it with this guy of hers, If he starts hassling you, don't hesitate to file a police report. Abusive men usually feel threatened when another man enters the picture and tries to intervene. He'll see you as "peeing on his territory" so to speak. Be careful and wary of him.

 
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