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Old 04-27-2004, 03:31 AM   #1
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Acis HB User
My fiancee and her ex-bf

My fiancee is an artist. She wants to work on a 6-month project and touring in Europe (4 weeks at least) with a guy she have been sexually active with before meeting me. He is single and I do not like him. The problem is that she always told me that she NEVER had sex with him in the past. However a mutual friend told me the truth, and she implicitly admitted it when I confronted her. She added that at that time she was not committed to me, she was lonely and free to sleep with any guy she wanted.
Now I am suffering because she lied to me and I feel very unconfortable she wants to work with him.

How should I react? What I can say to her? I do not want to control her, I love her, and I do not want to interfer with her carrier but I know I will suffer tremendously if she goes.
Thank you very much in advance for your helpful advices
Acis

 
Old 04-27-2004, 04:42 AM   #2
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promisez HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

She's lied to you and places her time with this guy ahead of you. As for "What can I say to her"? Thats easy, say goodbye and find someone that will at least respect your feelings rather then brush them off. In other words, act, dont try to find a reaction. You deserve better it sounds like to me.

 
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Old 04-27-2004, 04:53 AM   #3
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Blizzard45 HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

She lied about her ex and then wants to spend long periods of time away from you. With him. In Europe. I think she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for her.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 05:00 AM   #4
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Thats easy, say goodbye and find someone that will at least respect your feelings rather then brush them off. In other words, act, dont try to find a reaction. You deserve better it sounds like to me.
Ditto!!!!!!!

She had an option that did not require lying. She could easily have told you, it's none of your business. Pine over your feelings for her all you want, just don't fool yourself in the process. Try not to look past lies through love colored glasses.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 06:19 AM   #5
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

Acis - This is your Fiancee? I feel for you...
Well, you can continue to love her, let her go to Europe with her ex-sex/love and continue to feel lied to, torture yourself wondering what she is doing,
be miserable, unhappy, stressed out, and drive yourself CRAZY with insane thoughts...

Your right, you can't control her, nor should you be telling her to be careful, don't do anything while out there in Europe with this guy....

BUT, you can control your own life and your own thoughts of what you should be doing....Tought call, but maybe reconsider loving her or thinking of marrying her, Love doesn't have to be anguish thoughts, lied to, wondering if she is going to sleep with this guy again, and Love should not be suffering.

Good luck.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 08:26 AM   #6
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always confuzed HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

if she had to lie about the sex with this ex, and now wants to take off to europe with him and leave you behind, i dont think its u she has in mind.
For one it doesnt sound as if there is a whole lot of trust for youd never have to doubt if there was. And a marriage will not last if there is not trust, not a happy one anyways.
If it were me and i know its not so i understand its easier said than done, but i would tell this girl she can go wherever she watns with this guy because you are no longer going to be involved with her. I dont agree with what she is doing and has no respect for your feelings. Not a person you need to marry. Marry someone who will go places with U not other men!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 12:40 AM   #7
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Acis HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

Dear All, thank you very much for your reply...you all seem to agree I should leave my fiancee... but please, come on, I am truly in love with her, and I am suffering so much now....

But what would YOU do if your fiancee has to work with a former lover?? would you really quit her/him??

ok...the lie...there is a lie...but look:

I think that she really cares about her job, and she is not longer sexuallly interested in this guy (I hope). This job might be a real opportunity for her carreer.
Also, my fiancee knows that I have problems in accepting her working with ex-lovers, thus I understand well she preferred not telling me anything about this guy. What if she is really thinking to work with him and not being anymore sexually involved? She is committed to me
now, and this is what she tells me all the time. And I know she is honest with that.

so, yes, she lied to me...but in a sense I can see why. Do your gfs or you bfs ever lied to you? and did you leave her/him because of that? it's not soo easy, right?

What makes me really SHUDDER is the length of time involved in that job. If the job was for one/two days...ok, I would have no big problems with that. But 6 months! + the tour in Europe (btw, she said it might be only for two weeks..)
I trust her, but don't trust HIM! So many things can change and happen in 6 months, right? I know that they work mainly in the evening (they both have a day-time job) and over 6 months...how many dinners together, drinks afterwards (and my fiancees becomes a big flirter when she drinks) coming home late at night...what a hell is waiting for me...

Is there anything I can do (except leaving her)?? Is there anybody out there with a fiancee/gf/bf/wife/husband who has to work with a former lover of her/him?
am I the only one in the world? Thank you for any helpful word.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 04:11 AM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

OK, yes..I dated a co-worker many years ago, told me he loved me. We were not engaged. He had to go on a bus.trip to Canada for a week with this girl who really liked him, I tried to convince myself that it was only a week and what could happen. YES, they slept together.

Listen, this may not happen to you & your fiance. Your in a tough position because like you said...She is going to be gone for 6 months with an ex-lover.

For me...I'm lucky because I don't have a fiance who has to travel out of the country for 6 months or if he did have to travel for work (construction) he wouldn't be traveling with a woman...It would be men. My boyfriend has mentioned he would like to work in Florida for 6 months during the winter months of New England, he is putting this type of dream off till my son graduates HS and goes off to college so I can travel with him...But, I'm a woman without a career - by choice. I know you can't just up and leave your job for 6 months. And your right, there has got to be another option to your question but I'm sorry....I don't have one..

Is there anyway while she is in Europe that you can visit her for 2 weeks out of the 6 months?

 
Old 04-28-2004, 04:48 AM   #9
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promisez HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

Well, I for one told you what you didn't want to hear and now you want someone to tell you something you want to hear. Sorry, I can't do that. The only other option I see for you is to start trusting her. Then again, she lied to you once and you made an excuse for that so whats to stop that from occuring again. (First she said it happened because she wasn't commited to anyone and said she can be with anyone, now she says she did it because she respected your feelings??) From the sound of it you will stay there anyway so it's really a moot point, right?

Last edited by promisez; 04-28-2004 at 04:55 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:06 AM   #10
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always confuzed HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

i know you're in a tough spot and no i don't ever wanna be in that spot. I also know youre having a rough time, but it will be even more rough when she goes and you are sitting home wondering. No, i wouldnt quit my job or make a spouse quit if they had to work with a co-worker they had been involved with. But I would if i had to go on a board because im not feeling secure in what they are telling me, leaving me to doubt the whole scenerio-and whether you want to admit it or not, you wouldnt be on here if you werent thinking even the slightest bit of what we have all told you.
you asked "what if she is really thinking to work with this guy an not being sexually involved?"
For one, you shouldn't have to question that, to question it means there is some dobt deep down. Or at least some trust issues.
No i wouldn't break up over a lie, cmon the divorce rate would be even higher than it already is if we all broke up over a lie or two. To work a few days or even a couple weeks is one thing, but 6 months? and shes just leaving you behind? thats all fine and dandy but it dont sound as if you are thrilled with that and ultimately its up to you to wait that long for her. Nobodyon here can do that for you.
You also said u trust her but not HIM. Well he cant do anything to her that she doesnt want done. You can't take a person from someone unwillingly, they obviously wanted it just as much. Flirting and whatnot is no big deal, at least not for me. If it went beyond that then its a big deal. But if she is participating she wanted to, he didnt make her. And if he did, well thats a whole diffo story.
why is it a big deal if she works with a past lover? if shes over him then why are u so worried? I dont agree with going overseas or whatever for 6 months with a past lover and hell no i wouldnt allow that, but in general i dont think its a big deal.
You are going to drive yourself nuts over this and even more so when she goes. Is this how you want to spend 6 months? I know alot of ppl do it everyday, as there are soldiers overseas and whatnot that men have to do for a year at a time sometimes. But some ppl are able to handle that but u apparantly arent one of them, and thats okay too, u cant help that. Id go nuts myself. Like you said ppl change. So you have to ask yourself how ur going to be for those 6 months and if its something ur willing to go through.
Im sorry if we sound so harsh to you but we cant sugarcoat our responses or you arent going to get the clear message we are trying to send. You sound as if you dont trust her completely for you are full of doubt and that right there says something.
I feel for you for i know this has to be very hard. Best of luck to you!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:17 AM   #11
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

I would also like to mention - She will be gone for 6 months.
Well, shouldn't she be concerned about How you will be in the six months she is gone? Who is to say that YOU don't meet up with someone while she is gone? OH....I know I will get some heat for this...because yeah, I know your commited to her, you love her, you would NEVER cheat on her, your love is strong, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not suggesting tit for tat that you go off and cheat on her or She will cheat on you...BUT, it still doesn't change that SHE Is going to be gone for 6months..away from HOME..You will be home, in your comfront zone with plenty to do.....

BUT...Your focus is so much on HER with her ex-lover going off in Europe for 6months, your forgetting about YOURSELF....You have options for yourself and what you can do for yourself...INSTEAD, you are driving yourself crazy
(not that I wouldn't be too) but YOU need to start thinking about Yourself and what you can do for yourself while she is off in Europe.

HERE is something I just read...and I like this saying so much That I am going to use it....Something to think about and how you want to use it. It's not saying to breakup with your girlfriend but something about the mind thoughts.

Attachment leads to suffering.
Detachment leads to freedom.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 09:16 AM   #12
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TeTr01 HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

I must say, you are a good person to have so much trust in her after she lied to you about sleeping with this guy, who she is now planning on going away with for 6 months. That is a LONG time... I understand it's a big career move - but what about YOU, her fiance?? How do you feel about her being with him & not you (even if there is no sexual activity or flirting or anything). KWIM? I am sure this must be eating you up inside & as much as you love her, you've got to feel hurt by all of this.

It's up to you if you decide to stay with her thru all of this. But just remember that you deserve to be happy & I can't see you staying home & her being away for 6 months thinking about the possibilites & you being happy about that...

 
Old 05-05-2004, 09:56 AM   #13
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LuvMyBostons HB User
Re: My fiancee and her ex-bf

I agree with everyone here, especially GirlHarley.

If you can't handle the thought of your fiancee in Europe with her ex-lover (red flag here!!), please keep in mind it's cheaper to break off the engagment rather than going through a divorce down the road.

You gotta think of YOURSELF! However, if you think you can handle worrying constantly about your fiancee and her ex-lover, fine! It's your decision. Personally, I would set her free and go on with my life. I ain't going to worry all the times! I want to enjoy my life! Remember, life is too short to worry or be upset over small things. Hey, who knows you may meet someone else even better than your fiancee?

I wish you lots lots lots of good luck!

 
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