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Old 04-27-2004, 09:46 AM   #1
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annebash HB User
gonna focus on me for a while...

Ive been through such an emotional rollercoaster with my husband lately. First he was unhappy and contemplating a divorce. Then, he loved me again and wanted to try. Now, he is not sure again as I am not doing the things he wants me to do (at least in the timeframe he has set up for me). He has been working out of town lately, so hes gone for a week, then home for a week. I enjoy it when he is gone. I have our 2 daughters and we do our own thing. I am looking for a job. That is his biggest issue at the moment. We live in a small town, and since his schedule is ever changing and very demanding, i need to find something that A) has daytime hours that work with childcare and B) pays enough for me to do more than break even after childcare expenses. It limits me somewhat, and being saddled down with 2 small children, one who is sick alot (toddler) I have to find the time to do this. Im making time, following up on leads, and submitting resumes. I havent finished my degree yet. I put off school to have children, so my husband is the only one with his bachelor's degree at the moment. I guess that limits me as well. My short term goal is to find a job, my long term goal is to finish my degree. My husband is very passive-agressive. It took me a while to finally figure out that he was being a total jerk to me because he was frustrated with me not finding a job yet. He didnt just tell me, he literally emotionally tortured me until I dragged it out of him. He was being mean, cut himself off from me emotionally, and was making himself totally unavailable to me during his time off. I feel so dumped on. I think the biggest obstacle for me right now is him. He is no help, is totally unsupportive with anythng i am trying to do, and then expects me to feel I deserve it because Im not as "important" as him, because he is the one earning the money right now. I picked up the pace this week, and am spending all of the time I can scrape together to get a job. THAT will be my job until I find employment. Honestly, we need the second income. Ive broadened my search and began applying for things I hadnt considered before. Im going to get this done without his help and support. I sucked it up and asked my parents to help watch my children sometimes while I do this. I also gratefully watched him go for the week yesterday. This man is an emotional vampire. He is sucking the llife out of me. Im beginning to realize that every time something is not going his way, he will probably take it out on me and cut me off emotionally again. I dont think I can do that. I used to be sad, now Im just angry. Im doing alot to get it together, because not only do we need the money, I need to be in a position where I can leave if I have to. I dont like being manipulated. I decided that this week, I would limit my phone conversations with him. I need to keep my head straight to get things done, and when I speak with him, it is distracting. Im not really asking for advice. Im just venting, and getting my thoughts straight. But feel free to respond. Its funny, Im doing the things he wants, but Im sure as heck not doing them for him. Its all for me. When I reach a point where im employed and happy, I will be able to focus more on what I need to do about him. Im sick of being "punished" all the time. Passive-aggressive people are so annoying!

 
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Old 04-27-2004, 10:32 AM   #2
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Location: Easton, Pa
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promisez HB User
Re: gonna focus on me for a while...

Fine, he feels you need a job. Then he can take time off to watch the kids, pick them up from daycare, clean and maintain the house, help pay the bills and quite frankly its about time he started washing his own underwear. If he feels thats unfair then too bad. Unless you are making 300 bucks a week, all you are covering is daycare for 8 hours a day. Tell him to stop acting like a child, take you to dinner and then follow a budget if he's unwilling to help out around the house. You already have a full time job....complete most of your degree online if possible.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 10:54 AM   #3
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Location: south carolina
Posts: 983
excaliburgrl HB User
Re: gonna focus on me for a while...

vent all you want girl! it helps....you DO need to focus on yourself and do things just for yourself...you can't go thru life trying to please him because where is your happiness? keep up the good work....looking for a job is a full time job and i'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out for ya...

 
Old 04-27-2004, 11:47 AM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 179
PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: gonna focus on me for a while...

Quote:
Originally Posted by annebash
This man is an emotional vampire. He is sucking the llife out of me. Im beginning to realize that every time something is not going his way, he will probably take it out on me and cut me off emotionally again. I dont think I can do that. I used to be sad, now Im just angry. Im doing alot to get it together, because not only do we need the money, I need to be in a position where I can leave if I have to. I dont like being manipulated. I decided that this week, I would limit my phone conversations with him. I need to keep my head straight to get things done, and when I speak with him, it is distracting. Im not really asking for advice. Im just venting, and getting my thoughts straight. But feel free to respond. Its funny, Im doing the things he wants, but Im sure as heck not doing them for him. Its all for me. When I reach a point where im employed and happy, I will be able to focus more on what I need to do about him. Im sick of being "punished" all the time. Passive-aggressive people are so annoying
I sometimes wonder if every relationship is emotionally draining. Then physical comes 2nd. I understand your situation---and geez I'd say let him put you through college/get your degree honey!!!! <<< I regret not ever getting mine, while he went to schools we scraped to pay for--and then, never used them to further himself or his career and we starved. If you have to hang in there until this is done, or in some cases certain states force the hubby to do their part and pay for it even in the end.

For me, I have been with a partner 3 yrs. You'd think we'd all be comfy with each other---and almost 2 yrs ago found herself in an almost affair--everything but the sex. While our lives went back to normal and we've come along way healing over it, the aftermath is our sex activites are declined from the emotional scars. So if I get all geared up and ready--then I get told she has an anxiety complex and refuses to perform. I have been on a war path the past few days in our house because after all these years, this is one thing I've never heard from by her, or even suspected. Then I blew the engine in my car, and she made a comment that maybe I could catch a ride to work because she didn't want the miles on her car---we needed to make it last since the payments are so high and I am the one driving 30 miles one way a day...!! I blew a total gasket. Maybe I'm the one reading more into these excuses by her. I am expected to take someone who has anxiety performance and could care less if I've had sex in 9 mos (considering 4 mos is healing from surgery) and she can be pleasured? Which leaves me to wonder what is it with me? I've never had anyone complain before that I leave them with this complex of performance anxieties. And in the heat of the argument I say its her guilt for screwing around on me--knowing I didn't deserve it, and her coping with her mistake, and now she's left me totally like angry and my stomach is full of it by this lame excuse. I really don't want to even go home today and see her face... thats how hurt I am.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 12:34 PM   #5
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: gonna focus on me for a while...

you have a full time job with the children! men just dont get it sometimes! i went through this with my fiance too when our daughter was born...but now he sees there is now way we can afford childcare.....even if i got a job i would spend every last dime paying to put them in day care (and quite frankly i dont like day care centers or baby sitters) i am completely aware that ppl have to work to support their children and i think that is wonderfull but he needs to get it.....taking care of two children is no easy task and if he was home alittle more often he might see just how hard to are working....doesnt he think of you? how you put your dreams on hold to have children? how you dont have the option to go back to school at this point because you have to take care of the children? and that you getting a job means you have to send them to day care so you can go to a dead end job and bust your butt to just make a little more than it cost for their day care?
i think i would sit down and have a LONG talk with him.....well when he comes home.....i would start making a list of what you do all day for example:
girls up and dressed
breakfast
dishes
laundry
folding it
putting it away
entertaining the girls
lunch
run errands
pay the bills
dishes
cleaning up the house
dinner
dishes
well you get the idea, and then give it to him so he can see what all you do!
and if you want a job to get out of your situation...i cant blame you, but it wont be easy! i am sure you know that...and i wish you and your girls all the luck in the world!

Last edited by Brooke~Lynn; 04-27-2004 at 12:37 PM.

 
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