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Old 04-27-2004, 11:01 AM   #1
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silverandgold HB User
Money Changes Everything....

Does anyone have any words of wisdom regarding this subject? My BF and I have been together for a few years and we've had our ups and downs, like any couple. I decided to end the relationship because I felt we were "too different" (i.e. I always felt disappointed that we didn't go anywhere nice; he dressed like a slob, didn't have a decent job and didn't make much money; got fired and lazed around for 7 months). Ok. So he's straightened up his act (btw, he's not a "loser", he's a very smart man but can be immature for a 33 year old!) He's dressing better, got a job (again, not high paying - he lacks experience - but he's working), and wants to do more things together. There is no doubt that this man loves me with all his heart, and he is dedicated and loyal and shows me every day. I've been thinking this over and over in my mind and asked myself this question: If he were well-off financially, how would that change my perception of him? Curiously, I think all these "little issues" (his social awkwardness, for example, even his sloppy clothes) wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm beginning to wonder if the biggest obstacle here is the fact that he doesn't make enough money. I feel so shallow - but -- has anyone else felt this way? I'm 34. I make decent cash and have supported myself since I was 21. I don't want to be the breadwinner & have to support HIM too. I want to have kids and NOT WORK and live a nice life, a nice house and a nice car like all my friends. I don't want to have to scrimp and scrape to get by. But should I throw away a good guy that loves me dearly for such a shallow reason?? And who's to say that in the future he won't be successful?

 
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Old 04-27-2004, 11:42 AM   #2
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

If it is simply the MONEY that would change things and not the fact that he would be showing some AMBITION and DRIVE...yeah, you are shallow. If having someone support YOU while you stay at home is that important to you, though...find someone who doesn't mind that. Oh....you want someone who brings home plenty of cash, supports you 100%, loves you with all his heart, and he is dedicated and loyal and shows you every day, wait....don't let me leave out "lets me keep up with my girlfriends, because everyone knows THEY have the perfect life".....that's a pretty tall order. Sounds like you would rather have a millionaire sugar daddy who lets you "keep up with the Jones'" than someone who is decent, loving, and generous in other ways.

If this guy is wonderful to you and is pulling his own weight but can't make enough to support both of you....that is one thing. If he can't provide for himself, though, that's a completely different issue. I also think it's kinda of hilarious how this very issue flies in the face of the "independant-woman-I-have-taken-care-of-myself" ideology that you even mentioned in your post. You would resent having to support someone financially. But by god, they better be willing to do it for you. Is that a double-standard or what??

 
Old 04-27-2004, 12:15 PM   #3
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

i concur....i do think you are a wee bit shallow....a man shouldn't have to make millions to prove he's worthy mate...

 
Old 04-27-2004, 12:15 PM   #4
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

silverandgold...i can understand wanting him to be independant finacially, i can also understand wanting to have children and be at home with them, (i am thankful i can be home with my daughter, i think day care can be a joke and no one will take care of your child better than you will) but how does he feel about it? that is something you both have to want....
another thing, you are lucky to have a guy who really cares about you...you may go out in search of exactly what you are wanting and find that, yeah they got the money....but where is the love? and maybe not....but i dont think i would risk losing a good guy searching for a perfect one. its been my experience that they dont exist.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 12:23 PM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

He doesn't make enough money, he's socially awkward, he's sloppy when he's dressed....but if he had a lot of money that would be acceptable to you. You don't want to support him but you not only want him to support you, you want the house, the car, the white picket fence and the nail appointment weekly. So what your saying is you can be bought. I'd rather date a shallow person to be honest. I can honestly say as a guy that I would be grateful if you broke it off with me. I really hope that helps you to think a little bit.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 01:21 PM   #6
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
He doesn't make enough money, he's socially awkward, he's sloppy when he's dressed....but if he had a lot of money that would be acceptable to you. You don't want to support him but you not only want him to support you, you want the house, the car, the white picket fence and the nail appointment weekly. So what your saying is you can be bought. I'd rather date a shallow person to be honest. I can honestly say as a guy that I would be grateful if you broke it off with me. I really hope that helps you to think a little bit.
That's what I was trying to say! As usual, promisez, you did so much more eloquently. (Good thing I can support myself, eh? Otherwise I might get dumped for being "verbally awkward." lol )

 
Old 04-27-2004, 01:33 PM   #7
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blue_eyed_girl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

It sounds like you want to break up with him and you are making excuses for your guilt. If you don't want to be with him, that is ok. I don't believe in changing someone. If they want to change on their own, that is great! Don't force him to be something he isn't, you both will end up unhappy. As for being shallow, again, I think you are just looking for a reason to get out.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 02:06 PM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

Your friends may have all the nice things that you wish for...BUT are they happy? Are they in debt up to their eyeballs? Isn't it a woman's dream to have the White House with the picket fence, be a stay at home mom, 2 nice cars, a trip to the Islands once a year or to Florida? YEAH, everyone wants this...There is nothing wrong with thinking or wishing this...

SO you have a great guy...and He can't support you...Well, you can support yourself right...Then you don't need a man...THEN you won't have those thought of being shallow..

Now, on the other hand...Ask yourself...Can your boyfriend support himself?
SO. If he can support himself, and you can support youself...HOW, would you be supporting him? You want someone to Support YOU...Doesn't everyone want to be supported...I do too...but I can't...I have a kid to raise and college to think about...I am not expecting my boyfriend to support me or my son...BUT....together...with our combined income...WE can afford alot of things in life...I don't live in a $500K home, I live in a WHITE house no picket fence. it's modest...BUT...I also have the TOYS, they may not be the newest or the best...But, I have them...and I'm a Proud woman because I have bought them myself....

Now, if you want the Big MCmansion house that everyone is building or buying these days, you want to be a stay at home mom, then you need to find yourself some Big Professional Men who works 80+hours a week, makes lots of $$$ to support you and you can keep up with your friends...You won't have a husband to be there for you because he is too busy working, he will make lots of money and with that lots of money...he can also afford a woman on the side because HE makes the Big Bucks and can afford it...You will be lonely at your beautiful home, rasiing the kids all alone, carting your kids to all their games alone....

I would rather have a man who makes decent money, loves me, is there for me, and can't afford to spend his money on another woman...He won't have any money left to do it because I have it all....

Oh, and the slob thing...Since you make good money...Why can't you buy him some clothes that YOU would like to see him in?
Thoughts to think about...

 
Old 04-27-2004, 02:51 PM   #9
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

Amen Girlharley!!!!!

 
Old 04-27-2004, 02:57 PM   #10
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

lol i dont live in a white house with a picket fence and my fiance is not a buisness man who works more than 40 hrs a week (he isnt even a buisness man, he works at a plant and we live on a VERY tight income), and i do not feel like i am a bad person because i dont work...it is my choice to be home with my daughter, i did not have to marry a big buisness man, i am with a great guy....stay at home parenting is about being here 24hrs a day formy baby, giving her the care i know no other person could possibly give her, and loving her like i know no one else could!
i dont think anyone is bad for wanting that!
as i also dont think anyone is bad for wanting to have a job and children too...
and even if you do marry a buisness man it doesnt mean he wont be there for you, or that they will be a bad father! (granted some are not good ppl, but some are.)
sorry if i took it wrong......

Last edited by Brooke~Lynn; 04-27-2004 at 02:59 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 02:57 PM   #11
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smartgal HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

I wonder if it's a money issue or a respect issue here. I need to have a man I can respect, and I guess that means he should make as much money as me. It shows that he is intelligent and works hard. You don't need new clothes to be neat and clean, but being neat and clean shows respect for yourself. I could be wrong, but I think that's the real issue here.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 03:08 PM   #12
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CoreyP HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

"I need to have a man I can respect, and I guess that means he should make as much money as me"

So a male School Teacher can't marry a female investment banker because she can pay for most of the "possesions". And you wouldn't respect this person? That is .... I'll stop now.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 04:28 PM   #13
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

I hope I didn't come off rude...I was hurrying to write my post so I could make it to my son's baseball game...LOL

I did want to mention to the post...and I'm sorry I didn't the first time, I'm not saying you are Shallow, I am not downing you for wanting everything you want out of life, I was just giving you an example of some of the things I have seen in life with my very own friends or people I have met in my own town thru my son's sports...I live around many people with the BIG Hugh houses and now they went from driving the SUV's to Hummers..Some of these people are so in debt, or miserable as hell....

I do agree that I did want a men who made more money then me, I wasn't looking for a rich guy but someone who could support himself and had a life of his own with interests and hobbies...I was into the How He Dress mode too, didn't like an unkept guy...But as many of my girlfriends told me I needed to look beyond that because some guys DO NEED a woman to help them dress. AND, I did find that out with my very own Fiance...On our 4th date he asked me if I mind taking him shopping, helping him pick out some new clothes, I love shopping as well as I take good care of my self and like with the lates fashion (within my budget) SO I tooked him shopping and had a ball dressing him but I also stayed true to who he was - A levis & workboots guy.
5+years later I am STILL him!
Well, I can go on but I'll stop here cause I have to go.

CIAO

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:55 AM   #14
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Audrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

Okay, so your guy lost his job and didn't do anything about it for 7 months, maybe you lost some respect for him during this time, feeling he wasn't keeping up his end of the financial side of the relationship. Well i don't think any woman should put up with a man who just wants to laze about doing nothing, but you say he did get a job eventually, although not on a high salary. You need to give him a break. So long as he's working and bringing money in you shouldn't care that he's not on a six figure salary. He likely needed to take any job and when you are new on the job you usually start at the bottom and need to work your way up. Maybe he is happy where he is. Not all people are career driven or for that matter, materialistically driven.

You need to analyse your feelings for him now and if you don't like who he is or what he does, you need to release him so another woman can have a chance with him and him with her. Some women aren't fussy and so long as a guy has a job and is decent, doesnt get drunk and bash them, is faithful etc, they will take him no questions asked. You shouldn't compare yourself and him to other couples. So many couples who seem to have it ALL are actually miserable. Not all professional males are cheaters, but a lot are as they have the finance and the schedule to have flings or affairs on the side.

I feel through your post that it's other things which are making you question your relationship with this man and not so much his salary. Just remember, all relationships have one downside and no relationship is 100% smooth. If it's not a problem with the husband it might be something to do with the kids or your parents or the inlaws or your/somebody elses health in the family. Lifes like that, rarely do people have perfection.....always a fly in the ointment somewhere.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 06:24 AM   #15
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Money Changes Everything....

Quote:
If you ever 'got dumped" I would catch you before you hurt yorself hitting the ground.
awwww.....promisez......that was so sweet!! <blushes>

 
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