I'm 23 years old and I feel like I'll never be able to start my life. I've never dated and even though I've been feeling more and more lonely lately, I don't think I can start dating until I'm happy with myself. I still have about 45 lbs to lose and even though my friends and family say I look fine, I just can't give myself a break. I've been asked out a few times but I always turn the guys down because I feel like they are asking me out because they feel sorry for me. It has come to a point where the rest of my life depends on my losing the weight. It's been hard. I'm doing Atkins but I've found myself slowing it down thinking what's the point. I can't bear the thought of turning 24 in June and still having the weight I have promised myself every year would be gone before my next birthday. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep motivated and not feel so washed up before I've even begun to have a life?
ok ....here is some advice (maybe a little harsh) but advice non the less.....are you turing down guys because you thing they feel sorry for you?, or are you are turning them down because you feel sorry for yourself???
maybe call one of them up and ask them out....
and with the weight....keep working at it, you can do it!
your life is what you make of it....you can either set there and do nothing or get up and make it better! you can do this, and never let anyone tell you otherwise!
i wish you the best of luck!!!!!
Thanks Brooke, I guess you're right about me feeling sorry for myself. As for calling up one of the guys, I just can't. I don't feel ready yet. That's what frustrates me. Is it possible to get over this. I know I keep making excuses like "I don't have enough time for a relationship" and "my school grades will suffer" but how can I stop? It's hard to start dating when your my age. Most people start dating in their teens and that prepares them for future relationships. I don't have that and the thought of starting now scares me. Is there anyone else out there who knows how it feels?
Why do you feel you have to lose the weight before you "start" your life? You need to live life to the fullest every day. A man cannot "make" you feel better about yourself. You don't need a relationship to be whole. In fact, if you aren't "whole" before beginning a relationship, it will never work. Honey, you need to be confident in who you are and love yourself before anyone else can love you. You need to realize you are worth it. Losing weight will not make you a better person. You don't want a man that only wants you due to your outward appearance. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what. It's the only way the relationship will survive the other ups and downs that come with it. So, get out there and start living today, knowing that you are trully worth it. God loves you exactly as you are. Your weight is not who you are. Good luck and I am sure you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
P.S. My daughter has weight issues and I stress to her every day that she is a beautiful person. She has trouble dealing with her weight but she knows her weight does not decide whether or not she is worthy of being loved.
sgibson...well said....everyone is worthy of being loved no matter what physical or (in my case) metal alliment (i have obsessive compulsive disorder and it cause me and my fiance' a whole lot of fights) but he does love me....he loved me when i weighed 110lbs and he loves me now (after our first child was born) at 132lbs lol.....what she said is true, true615 a person who really loves you will no matter what, and you dont have to lose the weight to find that person....
but there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight for YOURSELF, but it should never be for someone else!
Last edited by Brooke~Lynn; 04-27-2004 at 08:50 PM.
Let me focus on your goal. Yes it is true that you should not base your whole self image on just your weight because that is not reality but let me just comment on your weight loss goal.
Loosing 45lb is a long-term goal. It is not a short-term goal. It is hard work. You need to have some short-term rewards for your work to keep you motivated meanwhile. Set up some short-term reward system for every 4 lb you loose. I don't know what you like but go get a massage, start smiling, get your hair done, something, and yes of course go out even if you think they are asking you out because they feel sorry for you-so what-enjoy the movie or whatever keeping in mind that you will keep getting closer to your goal. You have to be rewarded during that time otherwise it becomse very very difficult to stick with it.
Forget the physical appearance reaching a difficult goal that is hard to achieve in and of itself is very rewarding if you allow yourself to be rewarded for it.
23 and feel like your washed up? Are you kidding...You have lots to look forward to in your life and your letting your weight control not only your body but your mind? Your letting your WEIGHT lead your life? Come on....
YOU, should be proud of what you have lost! Instead your feeling sorry for yourself. What about these dates you are turning down? Why do you think they feel sorry for you? Your thoughts are Negative and you will come across that way, so I'm surprised you were asked out with Negative thoughts. You need to be Positive and Proud of what you have accomplished!
Girlfriend, most of us woman struggle with weight problems and yes we do become miserable..BUT we don't let our weight issues CONTROL our lives.
Dating is scary, don't think of going on a date as a future Husband or Boyfriend. Think of it as meeting a New Friend, you don't have to tell a date your life story, you have to go and find something FUN to do on a date as if you were going with a friend. Something that interests both of you or something that you are willing to be OPEN to trying. When your ready to date someone - you want to be comfortable with that date not scared out of your mind. So, practice with a male friend if you have any or these guys that have asked you out...Do you like them? Do you know them? Get to know them by meeting them first for a coffee or drink, something that only takes an hour or two so you can see for yourself if you are comfortable with a date with them. AND, remember...It's a date to make a Friend not a boyfriend and watch what happens!
Good Luck to you, THINK POSITIVE and BE PROUD Of the weight you lost!
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in." just kidding that was in an e-mail someone sent me. So really now....
You tell people how to treat you. If you walk around all day self consious about how you look and feeling terrible about your self then people will treat you as an outcast.
If you hold your head up high. Go out when you are asked out. Smile and laugh!
Walk like you are proud of your self then people will want to be around you no matter what you look like. When you look in the mirror look at yourself like you are slim not fat. That also helps you stick to a diet.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!!!!! Look around you and count the number of people that are overweight and compare that to the number of people who aren't. We are not alone out there!
Fix your hair, put on some make up and go OUT AND HAVE FUN!! I guarentee you will feel better.
I think there is something deeper going on here than what can be "solved" through a message board. You state, "I've been feeling more and more lonely lately," "I just can't give myself a break," and "I feel like they are asking me out because they feel sorry for me." From these statements, I think you have little or no self-esteem. A message board with people telling you to feel better about yourself isn't going to create the difference that you need, considering "my friends and family say I look fine," and those are the people who know you the best.
I suggest that you see someone professional because this is something that will require you to change the way you've been thinking about yourself for 23 years, and changing something that's been engrained for so long won't be able to be changed because a few anonymous people on a message board told you to feel better about yourself.
I understand what you're saying catm but it's not totally accurate. I guess it's my fault for not explaining a little bit more about myself. The only area (an important one for me) that I'm having problems with is social interaction. What everyone has said to me has been very helpful. I don't hate who I am, just what I look like and my lack of social skills when it comes to relationships which comes from inexperience. I am proud of myself spiritually and I consider myself a good person. I don't have any problems with my family or friends but when it comes to attraction and romance, I feel kind of out of the loop. I do think I'm going to continue losing the weight. All your messages made me realize that I don't just want to lose weight to look good to other people but also, and more importantly, for myself. I want to feel better about myself physically so that it matches the way I feel spiritually. I want to feel good all around. Right now I just feel incomplete. Thank you all for your words. I know I have to deal with this on a day to day basis but it actually feels really good to have people supporting me, even if you are all strangers. I'm new to the boards but I think I'll be staying for a while. Thanks.
Physical appearance, including weight, has VERY LITTLE to do with one's ability to be in a happy relationship. My sister is overweight and happily married to a guy who's in great shape and adores her. I, on the other hand, am in what you would consider a great physical shape, yet I'm very lonely and miserable. For years, I've only met guys who wanted my body but who didn't love me or appreciate me and didn't even bother to see the good person in me. Trust me, the guys who ask you out don't do it out of pity! They ask you out because they find you interesting and attractive-yes--attractive. You don't have to be "perfect" in order to have a relationship. There are people who are missing limbs, or people who have gone through debilitating treatments for cancer, and even they find someone who sees the real beauty in them. And no, you're not to old to start dating. 23 is too old?? Are you kidding? Be glad you didn't have to go through many unfulfilling, hurtful relationships which would have left you scarred and your spirit crushed. Give a chance to the guys who are asking you out--one of them could be your true love! You will never know if you keep hiding behind the excuse that you need to be "perfect" first. There is NO such thing as perfection. And as far as the weight, it will be easier to lose it if you don't focus so much on it. Paradoxical, yet true. Eat when you hungry, stop when you're full, avoid junk food. That's my diet and it works for me.
I noticed you said that you feel incomplete. Please don't think that losing weight will somehow complete you. You say that you are a spiritual person, then know that only God can help you to feel complete. I KNOW that a persons weight doesn't make them feel complete. I am 5'4" and my weight fluctuates between 85 and 95 pounds. YET, I look in the mirror everyday and think that I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's all about self image. My daughter suffers from obesity. She is only 13 and I tell her everyday she is beautiful and that her weight is only an issue healthwise. She gets angry with me and tells me its easy for me to say that because I am so small. Her father and his family are all obese. Not just overweight but clinically obese. I hurt for her because she thinks losing weight will change her entire life. Teenagers can be really cruel to each other. I try to tell her a positive self image goes a long way toward how other people see you and treat you. She is extremely intelligent and of course most of the girls her age are jealous of her academic achievements. They make comments about her weight to make themselves feel better. Please, please realize that your weight doesn't define you and never will. My husband's family loves to pick on me because of my weight and let me tell you, jokes about being skinny are just as hurtful as those about being overweight. We all struggle with our own "demons" and cannot "complete" ourselves by changing one little aspect of our lives. And by the way, I do not think that guys are asking you out because they feel sorry for you. Men don't do that. These men are trully interested in YOU! Believe it, accept it, and most importantly act on it.
Next time say " I would love to". Try it. Go out with them and most importantly, just be yourself. I'm sure these men see what a wonderful person you are and just want to get to know you better. I'm sorry this was so long, but I just want you to realize how special you already are. Good Luck.
Yes, As good a post as it was, if you don't take it from the girls here, take it from me. I am a 28 year old guy with alot of other guy friends. And Guys DO NOT ask girls out because they feel sorry for them. Just doesn't happen. They were attracted to you and liked you. So take some confidence away from that. Don't be so hard on yourself, focus on your positives. Go out with one of these guys, they are probably at home feeling sorry for themselves because that cute girl they met wouldn't go out with them. Good luck.
Sure thing Sherry. And thanks a lot Corey. I was really glad to get a guy's point of view. It's really kind of incredible how helpful a few comments from others can be. I think I will accept the next invitation. Only if I consider him a good person of course. I don't think that will be anytime soon though since I'm kinda busy with finals and stuff. I promise to let you know what happens when it does. Thanks. God Bless You Guys.