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Old 04-27-2004, 06:54 PM   #1
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jamehol HB User
lying, can we overcome it?

Ive been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We moved into an apartment together a few months ago and the for about the last month or so I've noticed a change in the way we interact. We just haven't done all of the little things that made me fall in love with her in the first place.

A few days ago I gave her a call on her cell on my way to the office like I always do but this day I was about an hour early. She answered and acted very weird and seemed like she was trying to get rid of me. So I checked up on her by calling the house and no one answered. I called again and told her I knew she wasnt where she said she was, she got all upset and told me that we needed to talk so I turned around and we talked. She told me that she had gone to her sisters house and didnt want me to get mad because I dont really like her sister.

So I accepted that, kinda, but it something was still fishy. NEWay long story short, after about 2 days and 5 or 6 different layers of lies she told me that she met someone, had exchanged phone numbers, and was at his house. I love this women and after finally getting to the bottom of everything it seems that she still loves me. She says that shes that nothing happend, that she met him about a week and a half earlier, and doesn't know why she gave him her number. She says that she just liked the attention someone was willing to pay to her. She says that shes willing to work on this, that she understands it will be hard, and she can't lose me. My question is, how will I ever be able to trust a word she ever says to me again? How can I believe that the next time a guy hits on her she wont give him her number when he asks. The thing that got to me the most was how she lyed to me so easily. Every time I caught her she had something just a little worse to say so she wouldn't get in too much trouble. She told me that she was so affraid of losing me over this that she had to lie. She even came up with whole scenerios and conversations that never happened. I've always thought that she could be the one for me and I want to make it work out so much. We talked about maybe going to a councilor at her work so we can work out our issues. Where do we start? How can she build that trust back up? Will this work?

Last edited by jamehol; 04-27-2004 at 06:59 PM.

 
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Old 04-27-2004, 07:09 PM   #2
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Brooke~Lynn HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

trust is a major thing when it is broken...i should know, i am in a similar situation right now....only i didnt lie, i asked my fiance if he wanted to see other ppl and he said yes then that same night...i met a guy and things went way to far...well as far as things can go then the next morning i told him (because i knew it was the right thing to do) and anyway he is having a hard time forgiving me, and i am haveing an even harder time forgiving myself.....
but others will tell you that she is lying to cover her butt up, maybe so, but if she is really wanting to make it work then she probably means it...i know i sure do, i wish i could turn back time...i hate myself for what happened
i wont lie..it will be hard to build trust again, i feel like me and my fiance will never be the same....sometimes when hes holding me i just break down and cry because i absolutly hate myself....and i tell him he deserves someone better....
so she could seriously be sorry, and yes you can make it work! but both of you have to really want to make it work!
goodluck i pray things work out for you!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 07:43 AM   #3
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Destea HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Honestly? Just be careful.

Being cheated on is one of the hardest things to overlook, it's a breech of your love, your trust, your confidence - everything! And with so many lies interwoven in her little story... well it has to make you wonder if she's lying about nothing happening between them, doesn't it?

If you and she really want to make this work, she's going to have to put some serious overtime into your relationship. A therapist isn't a bad idea, it's never a bad idea to get a non-involved person with experience in mediating these kinds of situations to offer advice and help. You need to find out exactly what the root of all of this was too - I mean, why did she feel she needed to get affection from other men? Where did that come from?

It's going to be a long road, but if you're willing to forgive (I, myself, have never been that gracious with my heart) and try to rebuild what she's broken - good luck to you Tons of people have done it in the past, it's not impossible...

 
Old 04-28-2004, 08:57 AM   #4
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TeTr01 HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

My question to you - do you feel that after you 2 "work on this" that you will always be able to 100% trust her? I know that if my BF ever did that to me, as much as I love him, I don't know I would trust him for a long time, but I think I would give him another chance to prove himself b/c I do love him so much. It would be really hard to get past tho & I can't imagine going thru that. But, If she lied about giving this guy her # & lied about hanging out over his house, what is stopping her from lying about them having done anything?

I know this sucks, I have been there. I was PG & found out that he had cheated on me - amoung other things - I knew that I couldn't trust him again. Maybe it was easier for me b/c I wasn't in love with him? I dunno, but I think that you need to be very careful for your feelings & make sure that you don't continue to get hurt by this girl who claims to love you.

But, everyone is different & I don't know her - you do. If you think that she is being totally honest about wanting to work on your relationship & you think that from now on she will be trustworthy - then go for it! You do love her, after all.

Good luck!

Last edited by TeTr01; 04-28-2004 at 09:02 AM.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 04:37 PM   #5
Mara
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Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Maybe things happened to soon. Maybe you need to backup and slow down. It does not sound like she is ready for committment even though she moved in. If she wants to date others, she is not ready and should move out on her own.

What is it she going to work on that is so hard to do, staying with you? If it is that much work being together 1-1/2yrs, living together a couple of months, she is not ready. The reason she gave her number out is because she wanted him to call her. She liked the attention he gave her? Did not take her long. If she finds her own apartment she can figure it out what she wants. You may love her but it's clear she made a mistake moving in with you because she was not ready to comitt. Let her go.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 05:31 PM   #6
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maybe helpful HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Reading your post was almost like reading about myself.

I have broken the trust in a current relationship, for another relationship, and it is a hard thing to over come. I dont believe it can EVER be overcome, there will always be a question in the back of your mind about whether or not she is being truthful with you. Not only so you need to repair the damage that has done, you both need to keep in mind that the question will always be there. She should ex[ect you to be suspicious, and you need to be willing to realize it is possible the question of trust will never go away.

Personally, and I know this, as Im living it right now, it is a VERY tough thing to go through. From your side, you need to REALLY stay suspicious, but DONT accuse her, cause that will damage things worse. If you decide to stay, and work it out, and trust her, then be fair to her, and do what you say you will do.

Good Luck, Drea J.
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Good Luck and Be Safe

 
Old 04-29-2004, 07:23 PM   #7
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Bill Magic HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooke~Lynn
trust is a major thing when it is broken...i should know, i am in a similar situation right now....only i didnt lie, i asked my fiance if he wanted to see other ppl and he said yes then that same night...i met a guy and things went way to far...well as far as things can go then the next morning i told him (because i knew it was the right thing to do) and anyway he is having a hard time forgiving me, and i am haveing an even harder time forgiving myself.....
but others will tell you that she is lying to cover her butt up, maybe so, but if she is really wanting to make it work then she probably means it...i know i sure do, i wish i could turn back time...i hate myself for what happened
i wont lie..it will be hard to build trust again, i feel like me and my fiance will never be the same....sometimes when hes holding me i just break down and cry because i absolutly hate myself....and i tell him he deserves someone better....
so she could seriously be sorry, and yes you can make it work! but both of you have to really want to make it work!
goodluck i pray things work out for you!

I'm totally missing something here..You asked your fiance if he wanted to see other people and he said yes. You then went and saw someone else. Why are you so upset at yourself? He did say he wanted to see other people right?

 
Old 04-30-2004, 05:20 AM   #8
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Yes, you can overcome lying. How long depends on you and your girlfriend.
You have lost trust in her and she will have to wait for your trust to return.
You can work on it all you want - but time will tell if you can trust her again.

Something that caught my eye though about your post, your girlfriend lied about going to her sister's house because YOU don't like her sister.
Ummm, So what that you don't like her sister...You don't have to visit her but are you stopping your girlfriend from visiting her own sister?

Last edited by GirlHarley; 04-30-2004 at 05:21 AM.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 07:01 AM   #9
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

If it was me in this situation, one of us would be moving out. There is absolutely no reason for me to put up with the aggrevation this has the potential to cause. In other words, "she is not the only Coca Cola in the desert", and there are some Pepsi's out there as well.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooke~Lynn
trust is a major thing when it is broken...i should know, i am in a similar situation right now....only i didnt lie, i asked my fiance if he wanted to see other ppl and he said yes then that same night...i met a guy and things went way to far...
That was fast. Sounds to me like you had it all pre-planned and you were just seeking his approval for you to act. It wasn't until he reacted negatively that you also felt (looking back) that it was not exactly one of the best spontaneous Kodak moments.

Your situation is not a trust issue. It is something completely different. Work out these type fantasies early in life and get them over with. Then get on with your life developing a serious trusting relationship. I hope things work out for you both.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 09:16 AM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jamehol
Where do we start? How can she build that trust back up? Will this work?
Lying is somthing that we do in our life. There is an exception to what you lie about. Lying is never a good thing but we do it to make the other person involved feel better. Of course, if the other person found out the truth about the lie it makes things worse.

You ask if the trust can build back...Yes, you can forgive her but you won't forget what she did. Things like this take time and you'll eventually get over it if it works out.

This could work but it will take time and if it doesn't then there will be someone else for you.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 10:14 AM   #12
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: lying, can we overcome it?

i just had to reply here...first off, my heart goes out to you...i somewhat understand how you are feeling...about a month ago i found out my hubby not only went to porno sites after i asked him not to (don't care about that anymore though), but he also went to chatrooms, dating sites, exchanged e mails with girls (the worst one for me emotionally was the one where he told this girl she was gorgeous) and him and a couple girls all got naked for each other on webcam....

my whole view on him now has changed and i think you can understand where i am coming from when i say that....the innocense is gone...i'm like you...i love my hubby so much and i want us to work things out...the trust is a very difficult issue...i trust him as far as i can throw him now...you might never forgive and you might never forget, but you can only move forward....dwelling on what happened too much can only lead the relationship to destruction...i'm not saying to forget it...you have every right to be angry and hurt right now...and make sure she knows just how badly this has made you feel....

just promise me that you won't begin to blame yourself...NOBODY deserves to be cheated on...and nobody deserves one person to be unfaithful....

one thing you might want to consider is focusing on the why she did it rather than what she did...that's what i'm doing....and i'm realizing that back when all this was taking place i was pretty self absorbed...i had just gotten promoted to manager at my job and i was really focused on that...plus, we worked different hours....that's still no excuse, but it made me realize that maybe he was feeling a little neglected...and crossed some boundaries....

and in a way i can understand...right now, he's been busy with his job and spends a lot of time studying at home...so i'm the one feeling lonely...and i got to thinking one day that the only time i do feel beautiful anymore is when a guy tries flirting with me or something....but i'm not going to cross any boundaries...i make sure that these guys know i'm happily married....i've also been giving my guy hints about what makes me feel special...maybe you can suggest that to your girl too...how can you fix what you don't know is broken?

i really hope the two of you can find the help you need and you can find the strength to work it out and move on from this

 
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