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Old 04-28-2004, 04:34 AM   #1
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Joseph Orion HB User
Taken Advantage Of

Hey all,

As many of you know, I have been dating someone I met off of a dating website. I hyped it all up and everything seemed so good. I accepted all of her faults and she accepted mine. Everything seemed so perfect. I had changed myself for the better after my last relationship that lasted almost 5 years. I made sure that with this relationship, I was going to put in 110% and do everything in my power to make this girl feel special.

I really did think things were great. I helped pay her bills. I offered to take care of her daughter in the mornings (around 6-7am) so that she can get some extra hours of sleep. I paid for 100% of her entertainment. I brought her and her co-workers dinner all the time. I would send roses on monday and tell her that it's a new week and to be positive and to keep her head up. I waited on her hand and foot. Never denied her anything. And treated her like a princess.

Come to find out, all that was in vain. It's things like this that upset me and make me wonder why I even try to be a nice guy anymore. So I had planned on talking to her about why she doesn't show me affection like any other girl would. Like being more physical, cuddling on the couch, etc. And why she seemed to have no interest in pursuing intimacy with me. I planned on bringing this all up this weekend so we could talk it over and hopefully change things with both of us. After sending some emails out to some friends, I decided to clean out my email. I come across the first email she sent me, that was from the dating site. I looked at the button that said "click to see my profile" and I knew that if I clicked it, I'd be unhappy.

Now here's the thing. When we first started dating, she took her profile off of this site. I then told her that she should put it up so I can get her pictures off of it and show my co-workers, etc. She said ok and it was back up. So after all this time I decide to go ahead and click the little button so I can see her face and behold! In big pink letters "active within 24 hours" That didn't upset me that much because I figured she's probably browsing around and I don't really have a MAJOR problem with it. And so I start to read her profile just for kicks and I had the thing practically memorized anyway. Imagine my disappointment when I saw that she had changed a bunch of things in her profile to bring it up to date. Not a couple of months up to date...but CURRENT up to date. Like the age of her daughter, what she has done recently, etc.

I'm not sad about the whole thing. I'm very angry though. I did everything for this girl and this is what I get. Her best friend even said "she can be a b**** sometimes but I'm sure you already know. You're a very VERY nice guy and she appreciates everything you do but don't let her walk all over you" That had set off some alarms when I heard her best friend tell me this.

And then to top it off, this past weekend, I find out that her best guy friend said "this guy is the best for you. He accepts you and your daughter like no other guy would. No one will accept your daughter the way he does" And I was drunk at the time but I remember that very distinctly because I knew something was wrong with that but couldn't figure it out. The next day I remembered and I was floored. Like "I guess she's settling for me".

I feel like Listening to Alice Cooper's No More Mr. Nice Guy because it's how I truly feel. I feel very betrayed and even after I put all my effort, all my trust, and everything I am into this relationship, I get a big slap in the face.

She was well asleep by the time I saw this dating site junk and so I sent her a txt message that said

"Nice to see you still have your profile on *insert dating site*, that you've been active in the last 24 hours, AND that you've updated it with current up-to-date information. So when am I going to be replaced?"

I kind of chuckled when I sent it. Because it's just silly. She was talking about moving in together soon. Even about marriage and all that. So much for wishful thinking.

Tomorrow, I'm going to call it quits. Am I doing the right thing?

 
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Old 04-28-2004, 05:02 AM   #2
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Joseph - I'm sorry to hear what just happened.
Sounds like You are a giver and She is a taker....

Your giving so much and what are you getting in return?
Your old enough to know what you want, you know how to give, and you know yourself better then we do on what you want to receive.
You want affection, you want to feel appreicated, you want to feel loved, you want respect...So you keep giving to someone who is too selfiish who can not supply you with your needs..BUT, you are supplying her with her needs.

You were paying her bills? Are you freakin kidding? WHY?????? I'm sorry, but I'm a woman and I would not have a MAN pay my bills! I have a fiance I live with and HE DOES NOT PAY MY BILLS! I work and he works...He has bills, I have bills, and We have bills..but we own a house together and that is different. BUT...I have NEVER had some boyfriend pay my bills...You pay 100% of entertainment?....HAS she EVER surprised you with a night out or a weekend away?

My boyfriend, always paid when we went BUT...I did take him away for a weekend. I would treat him to lunch or once in awhile I would agrue to pay for dinner for us. Or I made him dinner at my house. (before buying our house together) I cleaned his house, I bought him flowers to put in his house. It's called giving and sharing...Not just taking...

Are you doing the right thing by calling it Quits? I think so...If you are the only giver in this relationship and she is doing all the recieving, what will marriage or living with her be like? Maybe, instead of calling it quits...Take a step back, take a break from her, take time for yourself and spend all your money on yourself.

GOOD LUCK!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:03 AM   #3
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promisez HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Yup, but don't judge all women by this one. Seems even her best friend knows how often she uses people. I'm sure she will start "explaining" things when she realizes the gravy train is leaving the station but, like a small fish, just toss her back. She can then modify her profile all she wants. The right lady for you will show up when you least expect it.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:07 AM   #4
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Yup, but don't judge all women by this one. Seems even her best friend knows how often she uses people. I'm sure she will start "explaining" things when she realizes the gravy train is leaving the station but, like a small fish, just toss her back. She can then modify her profile all she wants. The right lady for you will show up when you least expect it.

Your post was Awesome!
I go into this long speech and you really hit the nail on the head!
SO, Promisez...I think when I have a problem with my fiance..I'm just going to send a Post to you....
Have a Great DAY!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:22 AM   #5
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promisez HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Actually you may want to just date her best friend, at least she knows a good guy when she sees one it seems.


Thanks GH
You've hit the nail on quite a few that I dropped the ball on and you still are much easier on the eyes then I am lol
Have a beautiful and blessed day young lady

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:33 AM   #6
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Audrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Seems to me, Joseph, that you have already made you decision and you are just posting on here to reassure yourself. Well the decision is yours to make and if you do leave her, i doubt anybody would blame you one little bit. The thing is, taking a break from the relationship wont necessarily change her and at the back of your mind you will always be wondering if she is keeping her profile "updated". You sound like a guy who has so much to give to a woman and the right woman is out there somewhere waiting for you. Don't let this female make you bitter towards all women. Unfortunately there are both undesirable men and women out there and you have to date some bad ones to find/appreciate the good ones.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 07:36 AM   #7
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

Where were you hiding when I was single? Good grief, this is the kind of male attention most women would kill to get. It greatly depresses me that this stupid woman wouldn't appreciate it in the least bit. I guess some women like more of a challenge?

You don't need this in your life, I can assure you there are plenty of women in the world who would love to have the kind of affection and devotion you apparently put into your relationships. Don't waste it on someone who refuses to appreciate all you're giving her - including your love.

I'd say you're doing the right thing, being the one who gives and gives in a relationship is not going to end in a healthy scenario - and this dating thing she's pulling just proves it.

Good luck, and I'm sorry it worked out this way

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:58 PM   #8
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

I'm so sorry Joseph. How long have you been dating this woman? Something very similar has happened to me. I was dating the guy for almost a year, and turned out, he still had his profile up and updated on several dating sites, logging on daily and lying about having a kid. There are horrible, dishonest people out there who are looking to take advantage of nice people who fall for them. Know that this happens to both men and women and your changing into a bitter "jerky" man because of this experience will not help you. Obviously, you can't trust this woman, so you have to answer yourself whether you can stay with her knowing she might have profiles up on dating websites while talking about marriage and moving in with you. Are you willing to keep monitoring her and checking up on her every so often to see if she has put up a new profile somewhere? People like that are dating addicts--their goal is to keep swimming in the dating pool forever, not to get out of it. I don't think she deserves you. ANd please, try to be more careful in the future and take things slower and DEFINITELY DO NOT pay any woman's bills!!! That should have been a huge red flag right there. If someone you've been dating for a relatively short time starts asking you for money or to pay their bills--most likely they're looking to take advantage of you. Refuse politely, and see how long they're willing to stick around after that.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 03:06 PM   #9
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

Hey Joseph. Do you think its possible that you gave or are giving too much. People here may disagree, but I think woman even subconciously need somewhat of a challenge. Flowers every monday I think makes the flowers less meaningful. Do you think you came off as too desperate and trying to hard. Maybe trying to be the perfect boyfriend instead of who you are. Again I am not saying she is right, but we can't change other people, so we have to look at ourselves first. You sound like a real nice guy, but my advice is to not try so hard. Your trying and desperation may have pushed her away. Let her try a little, I think if you do have a talk about ending it, she may see the error in her ways and how she has been taken you for granted. Who knows. Just contemplation. Sorry about your troubles.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 04:26 PM   #10
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Quote:
Originally Posted by CoreyP
Hey Joseph. Do you think its possible that you gave or are giving too much. People here may disagree, but I think woman even subconciously need somewhat of a challenge. Flowers every monday I think makes the flowers less meaningful. Do you think you came off as too desperate and trying to hard. Maybe trying to be the perfect boyfriend instead of who you are. Again I am not saying she is right, but we can't change other people, so we have to look at ourselves first. You sound like a real nice guy, but my advice is to not try so hard. Your trying and desperation may have pushed her away. Let her try a little, I think if you do have a talk about ending it, she may see the error in her ways and how she has been taken you for granted. Who knows. Just contemplation. Sorry about your troubles.

Very Impressive Corey - good post.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 04:41 PM   #11
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Blizzard45 HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

Yeah I think Corey's right. It sounds like you've got alot of personal insecurity leftover from your last relationship. I'd say just relax for a bit. Don't get mean, just stop doing all that extra nice stuff and see what she does. You never said you enjoyed doing all those things for her anyway. Maybe she thinks you don't really mean it.

I wouldn't break it off yet though. You're actually in a pretty good spot right now. You have a ton of good karma built up from treating her so nice. You deserve a break. Sit back and see what she does for YOU.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 04:54 PM   #12
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

I agree with SophiaM about not paying a woman's bills. A friend of my husbands met a woman over the net. She lived interstate and was going through a very bad divorce. He was rather taken with her or maybe got sucked in by her story. After a VERY short while she had him paying her mobile phone bills, then somehow she told him that her exhusband had found out and had gotten all the details of the guy who had paid the bills on her behalf (not sure how he got these details). Our friend then had to cancel his credit card. Instead of her being thankful that he got her out of a spot of trouble with her bills, she got angry with him. Needless to say they are now over.

The same friend of ours got sucked in by another female who apparently was an addicted gambler, but he didn't find this out till much later, losing a lot of money and also having her steal some out of his wallet.

Some guys are so nice, maybe too nice and willing to please and willing to believe that just b/c they are honourable that the other person will be as honourable in return.

I'd say paying somebodies bills and paying for all across the board at the start of a relationship would be a distinct red flag.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:30 PM   #13
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Joseph Orion HB User
Re: Taken Advantage Of

well, a minor update.

Apparently she didn't get my txt message from last night. She called me early in the morning today was cheery and asking me if I could bring the car seat that was in my car to her best friend's house whenever I woke up tomorrow. She said she didn't want to even ask me during my work days because she wants me to relax and sleep and have that time to myself. I said ok. And she said "Are you excited that your weekend begins tonight?" And I told her "I guess so" and she asked what was wrong and I said "you didn't get my txt message at all?" and she said she didn't. And so I just told her about the dating site and all of a sudden, all that cheer she had was totally gone. And she had a very serious tone to her voice and said "it's not updated" and I felt like being such a smartass and saying "well then, that dating site is pretty freakin smart to know your current routine and your daughter's age" but I left it at that and just said "Yes. It is" and I told her that she had logged in within 24 hours and she swore up and down that she didn't. And finally I just got super ****** off and said "you know what? You really REALLY shouldn't be lying to me right now" and she kept on acting innocent. I told her to go check it out herself if she didn't believe me and she said. "I'll go look at it and call you back" Of course I don't expect her to call back so I just roll over and go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later she calls and she says "I found out why it was updated." and then she goes on to tell me that her friend has her password to this site and that she went in there and updated it because she thinks that my girlfriend should be "dating other people" and my girl told her that she was happy and that her relationships are none of her business. etc. She then goes on to tell me that she has never logged on since I told her to put her picture up.

I want to believe her. I really do. But I still have doubt. She's going on like nothing happened pretty much but I'm still over here bothered by it.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 07:26 PM   #14
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph Orion
well, a minor update.

Apparently she didn't get my txt message from last night. She called me early in the morning today was cheery and asking me if I could bring the car seat that was in my car to her best friend's house whenever I woke up tomorrow. She said she didn't want to even ask me during my work days because she wants me to relax and sleep and have that time to myself. I said ok. And she said "Are you excited that your weekend begins tonight?" And I told her "I guess so" and she asked what was wrong and I said "you didn't get my txt message at all?" and she said she didn't. And so I just told her about the dating site and all of a sudden, all that cheer she had was totally gone. And she had a very serious tone to her voice and said "it's not updated" and I felt like being such a smartass and saying "well then, that dating site is pretty freakin smart to know your current routine and your daughter's age" but I left it at that and just said "Yes. It is" and I told her that she had logged in within 24 hours and she swore up and down that she didn't. And finally I just got super ****** off and said "you know what? You really REALLY shouldn't be lying to me right now" and she kept on acting innocent. I told her to go check it out herself if she didn't believe me and she said. "I'll go look at it and call you back" Of course I don't expect her to call back so I just roll over and go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later she calls and she says "I found out why it was updated." and then she goes on to tell me that her friend has her password to this site and that she went in there and updated it because she thinks that my girlfriend should be "dating other people" and my girl told her that she was happy and that her relationships are none of her business. etc. She then goes on to tell me that she has never logged on since I told her to put her picture up.

I want to believe her. I really do. But I still have doubt. She's going on like nothing happened pretty much but I'm still over here bothered by it.
Is this the same best friend who told you she can be a real b**** sometimes? I don't know, it sounds like her friend could be trying to make trouble. I'm just guessing, but if this update of her profile is the only thing you have to go on that maybe she's not sincere, I'd give it a little more time. If she seems steadfast otherwise, I wouldn't let this one incident weigh too heavily on the relationship. Give her the benefit of the doubt for a while. BUT...as far as being a nice guy goes, I'd say don't be shy to bea nice guy, but what out for why you're doing it. It's really hard to explain, but I knew a guy who thought he was a really "nice" guy. We got together to work on a mutual interest project, and I made it clear from the very start that I wasn't interested in romance at all, he still had designs. Like, I would come over to his house to work, and he'd say "but you have to stay for dinner." We went to a club and he wanted to buy me a drink. This was when I still didn't know him that well and I just don't like men i don't know buying me drinks, and they didn't have what I wanted so we went to a drug store a few doors down and i took an ice tea out of the store fridge, and he grabbed it and twisted it out of my hand and said in a stern, almost angry tone of voice "I"M going to buy you a drink!" Now, he thought he was being nice by buying me a drink, but how many points do you think he lost by how he went about it instead of just respecting my desire to not have a strange man buy me a drink and giving me my space? The truth was he wasn't a nice guy at all, he was a control freak and used being a nice guy as the means of establishing control so when I finally had to distance myself he could make himself feel better by saying "that b****, I was so nice to her, I did everything for her." When all he really did was try to control me. Sometimes I think men use the "nice guy" disguise as a means to assert control. Be careful that's not what you're doing. It's great to be kind, generous and nice, but only if you do it because you think it's just the right thing to do and you don't do it to get love or to assert control over someone and make them feel indebted to you. That will backfire every time. Don't just show your affection and appreciation for her by smothering her with gifts and attention and offers to do her favors. show her your appreciation by just listening to her when she talks, understanding when she's having a bad day, loving the way her mind works, loving what's in her heart, what she thinks is funny, her spirituality, her passion for sports, music or politics, the way she sings at the top of her lungs to the radio in the car, the way she loves her family/friends, etc etc. If you only love her for how much she lets you feel like a "can do" guy by letting you do things for her and how much she grovels in gratitude afterward, you're loving her for the wrong reasons.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 07:57 PM   #15
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Re: Taken Advantage Of

I totally agree with the guy who said you're not being enough of a challenge. No woman wants a doormat who she can walk all over and who will do anything for her at her beck and call. That's what a butler is for, not a boyfriend. Start standing up for yourself, save flowers for special occasions, and don't bend over backwards to be such a nice guy. It's a turnoff, because it looks like you have no backbone and will desperately do anything to keep her approval. Ironically, it's having the opposite effect, and I'd imagine that's the case with most girls, even if they say otherwise.

 
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