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Old 04-28-2004, 09:47 AM   #1
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annebash HB User
Im sick of being punished...

My husband called last night from work. I was avoiding his phone calls yesterday so I could "detox" from his horrible visit during his week off (he works out of town). The phone just kept ringing and ringing and I felt bad for letting him wonder, so I picked it up right before bedtime. And of course, stupid me starts crying. Like a ninny. Im just so hurt. I have realized that since I was upfront with him about how I realized the things Ive done wrong in our relationship, he is using that as an excuse to blame me for everything. Our problems were caused by both of us. I probably should have just kept my mouth shut. He has been punishing me for months now. Im starting to think he is just plain evil. So, on his last week off, he tortured me the whole time, alternating between being mean and acting annoyed with me, to being totally unavailable, leaving ALOT, and emotionally abandoning me. I guess the crying wasnt such a horrible thing. He admitted to me that he was afriad it was going to end, and being angry and obtuse was a defense mechanism. He told me he was very sorry for hurting me, and that he does love me. Im already dreading his next week off, and I have a whole week before he comes back home. Here I sit, caring for my 2 girls, emotionally battered, and my period is late. Great timing. OUr youngest is two, and after a miscarriage, I couldnt get pregnant. this would just be perfect. ugh. My husband isnt the guy I married anymore. The guy who told me he loved me more than anything, they guy who said he wanted to take care of me. Ive been last on his list of priorites for the past year, and instead of taking care of me, hes dumping on me. period. He was so nice last night. He truly felt bad. But it doesnt seem to prevent him from doing this to me. It isnt all my fault. I dont deserve to be punished, and have him withhold love and affection from me. I dont have low self-esteem, and Im halfway out the door here. Im sure I could do better than this. It hurts to hear stories of men who love their wives and do things to show it. My husband used to be like that. My neighbors husband is out of town right now, and our kids were playing together in her garage. There was a note taped to her door that said "Melissa and Maddy (her and her daughter) I love you and miss you so much". It made me want that again.

 
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Old 04-28-2004, 09:58 AM   #2
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

Maybe you could suggest going to see a marriage therapist together? There is some underlying issue that you guys aren't seeing... it's not a bad sign. If he's willing to work on it with you and give it a shot - you don't have anything to lose at this point. You're hurt, frustrated, angry and emotionally tired - seeing a therapist couldn't make that any worse, but it could make it better.

That's just what I'd suggest, if you're really just done with it, you might want to start considering how you can work on a split... something's gotta give. It won't be easy, but you guys either need to agree to really work on this, or really give up

 
Old 04-28-2004, 11:16 AM   #3
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

I agree, get help from a marriage counselor before things become irreparable. Having your husband home only on the weekends can be very, very, straining on a relationship. Things can get unresolved, then put off, then everything builds up, and whamo! They are no longer the person you married.
I was happily married for 7 years, then my husband got a job that made him only home on the weekends. After 3 years of this, all of our issues got so out of control and unsurmountable. I begged us to go into therapy, he was too wrapped up in his job, and said I was the one needing help, not him. We are now divorced, but still friends. He emailed me the other day saying the biggest mistake he made was not going to a marriage counselor when we needed it. Too late now! Looking back, I can see a definite line that was crossed in our marriage, and I just stopped caring anymore.
Don't let your marriage get to that point! Best wishes, take care.......

 
Old 04-28-2004, 11:40 AM   #4
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

Annebash, I'm in the same holey pair of sneakers right now too. I do have a little more insight though. I think your admitting it is being used against you because it was an adult move forward on your part and he knows that he's not ready to admit is screw ups and is taking it out on you.

I know, makes to sense at all, but what men do? My husband has done this to me for years and I allowed it because I felt that because of my health problems and what I was limited in doing, I deserved it. It wasn't until I got my meds and started making progress that I realized I deserved to be loved and put first, regardless of my health. If that wasn't in the cards, then it wasn't going to work.

We would have talks and my admissions were definitely used against me many times and I finally told him that the only reason they were admitted was because I knew I had to change, was taking responsibility for it and doing it....he was not doing the same. He continued to put me last, although in his mind, he did not. I hated being mean and pointing it all out, but being subtle did not do it.

I had to hurt him to make him see the hurt I went through. I hid this for a long time because he is an honestly good person and I didn't want him to hurt, I just wanted him to see the situation for what it was......lopsided! Yes, he works and pays the bills, but he forgot to look at what I did.

I had to point out everything: I was left alone to face a man who sexually assaulted me several months before and at the time of court I was 9 months pregnant and in full blown labor! I had to tell the judge I didn't know if I would make it to be recalled because I had been in labor the whole time! He about fainted. Then I had to point out going to detectives by myself, all my pregnancy visits alone (alone, I mean w/ a friend but not my husband), physical therapy for my jacked up hip, found out I was having a boy and he forgot to be there after being called 5 times that very day and daily reminders for a month, being taken to labor and delivery for pre-term labor and being left so he could go to work and having to find my own ride homes, crawling on hands and knees around the house because not a single family member would help me, etc.

He blew at me over not being able to help his best friend move, yet again and I got ******. He couldn't understand, so I unloaded. I told him how hurt and angry I was that I get, "I gave him my word that I'd be there," but, what about the times you gave me your word that you'd be there for me and bailed or forgot about me and I had to reschedule appointments w/ neurologists that took months to get! But, it didn't factor in. He was raised in a home where mom did everything and dad did nothing.

He actually went as far as to say that he helps me with the kids because he plays with them ocassionally when he gets home! I told him that was part of being a FATHER! Not an inconvenience for him for helping me. I finally snapped. This time when he said, "Guess I'm just a selfish bas****!" I said, YES YOU ARE! I had always molly cottled him before, but not today.

I finally felt justified to tell him (keep in mind, before I got to this point it was after researching all my conditions and realizing that I accomplished a lot more than many do in my shoes!) that I deserved emotional support. I didn't give a flip about a pay check and I didn't pitch a fit when he was working 50-60 hours a week, leaving me to fend for the kids in a state beyond exhaustion and paying for it with my health. I kept my mouth shut, but it was time for him to support me in ways that have nothing to do with working.

I told him that he had a whole file cabinet of printed information on my conditions that he never even bothered to pick up and read and I was sick of it. He never asked any questions, but said, "Well, I've listened to you when you tell me you found something new on the internet." WooHoo, what more can a girl ask for??? Oh, wait, EMOTIONAL SUPPORT! I also pointed out that he was the type of person who would still have all this without me in the home, the only thing was the stress of paying for my meds.

I couldn't believe it...here we go again. Over the last few weeks we have gone the rounds and it would slide right back to nowhere. I would feel uplifted and like he understood and poor even more of the energy I don't have into the things important to him and got nothing in return. The silliest thing was the final straw...I asked them to rinse their dinner dishes, that was it and I walked in and my 9 yr old did it, I did mine and the baby's and there was his. I just detonated!

I started bawling and told him that if I didn't matter enough to him to try, then I would move down stairs until my friends trailor came open and move out. At first he acted like it was solely my decision and he had not fault in the matter. When I was still sobbing and packing stuff up several hours later, he realized that I was serious, I wasn't playing games and I was emotionally spent.

I found him finally reading information and couldn't help but grin when I knew he was reading all the wrong stuff! I finally told him that if he pain attention, he'd know that those weren't my main problems. When I asked him what they were he could name only two! Depression and cataplexy.

Now, let me tell you what I have....Brain injury (causes many cognitive defecits and something called post-concussive syndrome), Grave's disease (treated w/ radiation and now am extremely hypothyroid), Narcolepsy (neurological sleep disorder, uncontrollable sleepiness, etc..the cataplexy is part of it, but not the main problem), fibromyalgia (still arguing w/ doc on this, don't want it, so therefore, doesn't exhist!), migraines (from a fractured vertebrae in my neck and also referred pain from base of skull, down arm and shoulder blade), a shifted pelvis (that causes extreme pain in hips and all ligaments in the lower body, to the point of being unable to walk at times), depression (for obvious reasons!) and dealing with a childhood of sexual/verbal/emotional/physical abuse (again, I keep these issues to myself because they don't make sense to him) and all during this, I'm taking parenting classes to improve as a parent, self-help on-line since I don't have insurance and can't afford counseling, plus dealing with all the medical bull....

AND I STILL MANAGE TO SMILE EVERY DAY AND FIND SOMETHING ENJOYABLE ABOUT LIFE!!!! In the mean time, if he has one bad thing happen (wrong part comes to the shop) it ruins his whole day! HUH???

So, here we are, still struggling...he has been trying a bit harder, but still has more options than he knows. He just says that he can't do that stuff right now because he's so overwhelmed with everything else. WHAT ELSE?? I worry about the kids, the house, groceries, dinner, homework, taking care of everyone when they're sick, doing the laundry when I have to use my bigger dog to place the bucket on her because my hips are going out and I will get stuck in the basement! All while chasing a toddler who is beyond busy....a combo of Lilo and Stitch!!! Seriously!

He doesn't even have to worry about his meds. I make sure if he's sick that I have extra pill bottles to put all his herbs and vitamins in, for each dose and a scheduled time on them! If I don't bring a drink with the pills, he won't take them!!!

I finally laid all this on the line. As you can imagine, he was blown away! It's because I burst the little plastic bubble he was living in all this time. I was partly to blame though because I just got to the point of not wanting to hear him whine about missing work that I bent over backwards to keep it from happening! I even rescheduled EMERGENCY GALLBLADDER SURGERY! He said that it was my choice and he had no say! I asked what man in his right mind would let his wife hobble out of the ER when the docs are trying to prep her for surgery and called the surgeon on call, just so it didn't screw up his work schedule? He thought about it and you could see it hit him!

I went home for two weeks, taking care of a new born, and a then 7 year old, a great dane and great pyrenees, plus my almost 30yr old child, in pain...and it never registered!

It's honestly not that he didn't care, but he didn't have a clue! And I perpetuated it by protecting him from the reality of my life, my illnesses and the risks to my health, just so I wasn't more of a burden than everyone already told me I was. It was always him being the victim of me.....no one saw it for what it was.....never will.

I think he does love you, but he may be another clueless wonder and needs to be educated. Don't allow him to hang anything over you head. If he does, tell him that you can admit them because you're not blind and feel it is worth fixing the problems that you can, rather than wait for divorce papers and if he really thinks you matter and loves you, he'll take note and do the same.

He can't hang it over your head if you don't let it. Mine tried this a couple weeks ago w/ the comment, "Well, you always want me to change, you never do anything. What are you doing that's so hard?" Well, wrong thing to say. I flipped open two drawers of my file cabinet filled with self-help information and dealing with my medical conditions and said, "Well, where would you like to start sweetheart?" His chin hit the floor and he left the room. What could he say? He knew better. But they feel if they take aim at us, they won't have to work on themselves and hopefully aiming at you will keep you changing for the better and they won't have to.

I know, rambling, it just hit me when I read this because I'm going through it right now and it's too much some days.

I hope this helps. I'll re-read this and see how much sense it makes and somethings more helpful that may have been missed. Good luck honey! You're going to need it.
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Old 04-28-2004, 12:50 PM   #5
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

Oh, god, angel, if I were you id have left a long time ago. dont think i could put up with that much crap. My husband used to be wonderful and caring and always there. Just right now hes mad and pouting and has been "on strike" for a while. I hate passive aggressive bullcrap like that.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

Angel....I am really without words. All I can say to you Ms. Princess of Power and Strength is WOW!! You are like the Woman of Steel!!!

 
Old 04-28-2004, 02:52 PM   #7
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

Yup! Passive-Agressive stinks! They're worse than those of us who show our colors because everyone else thinks they are shy/sweet/quiet, etc. and we're the hot heads or whiners!

As far as woman of steel, far from it. Just someone who keeps getting run over by the steam roller and going back because I wasn't sure it was a steam roller. It's sheer stupidity at some points and at others it's just because I can still see with my heart what is hidden beneath everything else.

If your hubby was caring, something had to make him stop, whether he knows it or not. Many people are so far disconnected from their emotions that they treat people horribly, don't think they do, but it's rooted in some feeling somewhere.

I called hubby on this once when he said that he just doesn't say anything about what bugs him. I told him that it didn't matter if he said it because at least I would know why he's walking around with a chip on his shoulder! He still treated me the way he was feeling, just never verbalized it. People aren't good at hiding their true feelings, just disguising why they are acting the way they are.

Everyone has some good in them and that's when it becomes a choice on how to act and communicate. If you choose to be hostile and silent, don't blame me! I can't fix what I don't know is broken. So, if you are mad at the way I do dinner or something and keep mum, quit treating me like crap when you haven't given me the option of changing it, once I know.

You can't hold a grudge against someone when they have no clue they've hurt you. Now, if you tell them and they still choose to do nothing, they are telling you w/o words what they think of you or themselves. Some people get to a selfish point in life and the world has to revolve around them. Everyone needs a little selfish time, but then they need to be willing to give the other their "me" time. Nothing wrong with wanting to do for yourself, but when you put yourself above all else in your life, you'll soon find that there's no one to come home to.

This is the same thing I told him. I told him that I was changing for him as well as me. I knew it was important to him, so I started the changing process and one of two things would happen....either he'd changed with me and treat me the way I deserve and make changes that help me (BTW, the ones I want are compliment me once in a while, pay attention to my life and goings on, remember to mark my big events on your calendar-not just the stuff important to you, put me first-not over common sense things, but I need to hear and know you value me, etc) and if he chose not to, I'm none the worse for it.

I just changed myself and added to the package and if he chooses not to go with the flow, then I changed some bad habits, improved my life and person and will have just that much more to give to someone who realizes it. It kinda shocked him.

What he doesn't realize is that he truly is the love of my life and I don't want anyone else. All I want is the man who used to value me and treat me like someone special. That person can't be gone forever, it just is effort now...question is, is he willing?

You need to sit down and write out the good and bad of hubby and you also need to list things about yourself that you have improved on, things you are working to improve and how you are going to do it. Then, sit down with him and show him. This way he knows you're not attacking. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean he won't flip out. People who know they're in the wrong tend to wig initially because they don't like having it made obvious that others do notice. Then, give him his space to mellow out and things to sink in. He'll probably pout for a bit and stomp around like a toddler, but it's a self-defense mechanism.

No one likes to look in the mirror and realize that they have a choice in how their life is going and how they should be acting. We get to a point of comfort (even if comfort is painful) over a period of time and usually don't realize just how bad things have become and therefore, no real reason to try to change it. Then, someone points out what you've known all along and you flip. How could someone know that I know I should change this and just don't want to put in the effort??? UhOh! Hurry, detonate and hope they leave me alone! Usually works.....hmmmmmm

So, bomb goes off sending debris everywhere in the way of flinging hurtful comments in hopes that you'll be wounded enough to shut your mouth and leave the bomb alone. Then, comes the day that we don't tip toe through the mine field.....we grab a flippin' Humvee and drive over every single one of them! Yes, we'll come out with a few dents but there's no more bombs in the field, right?

That's basically what I just did. I pulled the pin out of the grenade and then got the hell out of the way. Don't need any more battle scars. When the detonation is over, I go back in and pick up what I need to and leave the rest for hubby to figure out.

I played a large roll in letting it get this far, by bowing to him because I felt I should. After all, he put up with me and my poor health for so many years and my health is what bankrupted the family. He always told me that he puts up with a lot from me and that many men would have walked by now....yeah he's right. And there are men out there who would have held my hand and walked with me through it all. What I failed to see is that it was not okay for someone to feel burdened by me and treat me that way.

He was no more a victim than I was. I had the illnesses that were out of my control and he had to live in the house with me. We both suffered, only everyone ran to his side every time they had a chance. They kept giving him the idea that he was a victim of me, not that we were both "victims" of circumstance and neither at fault. They rallied behind him every time his tail fell off, in the mean time, all they had to say about me was how horrible it must be to be married to someone like me....so he came to believe it and I allowed it because I felt like they were right.

Now, here I am, knowing that most won't battle half as much or half as hard to live a half-assed life, but I did and will continue and if he doesn't find it valuable, someone will and best of all, I do now.

This is what you need to think about Annebash....what is it that will make you feel good about you as a human and let you know that you are worth it, just because you are here, not because you've pulled one of the strings attatched. You will have to keep changing because you will benefit from it and there may be a day when you have sprouted wings and are ready to fly and he'll be there scratching his head wondering what happened.

Something I also told my husband was that there might come a time that I have changed so much that I'm done with him because he refused to love me the way I needed and once it dawned on him, it may be too late and after I became the person he finally felt was worth loving, I'll love myself enough to walk away from someone who didn't know it until it was too late. I don't see that happening right now, he does seem to "get it" now, but I'm not willing to comprimise any more. I don't ask for much and yes, I may be a financial burden, but I am not and never will be an obligation.

I am learning to love myself, ugly and all and beginning to feel in my heart something I never felt before....MY OWN SELF-WORTH AND VALUE! It's mine, I "earned" it, fought for it and now that it's mine, giving to me, by me, no one can take it away. That's a powerful feeling! Makes me smile as I type that and say it "out loud.'

Please, know that you are worth every ounce of it too and he needs to open his eyes and be honest with himself. Know that it's going to hurt and sting a lot in the beginning, he may have feelings about you that you aren't prepared to hear...but the one thing that was funny in my case was that the feelings he heaped on me were really his insecurities of himself and his knowledge that he should help me and doesn't that he couldn't deal with so he put them solely on my shoulders.

So, his feelings of anger and resentment were really aimed right back at himself. That's a hard pill to swallow, some won't do it, some will lose the love of their life to save face......hopefully he's not one of them. So, take with a grain of salt, what may come flying out of his mouth. Don't internalize what you aren't responsible for and don't take responsibility for things that you can't or are not yours to fix. Then, let the chips fall where they may and hope a tornado doesn't take a detour and blow all the chips away.

Okay, got on another tangent and have no clue if I made sense! Brain damage talking! I have to say that it's a bonus to have brain damage, narcolepsy and be blonde! I have several things to "cover" up my less than brilliant moments!

OH YEAH! ANYONE WHO IS STRUGGLING, KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR, NO MATTER HOW TWISTED! YOU'LL NEED IT AND IT WILL HELP YOU THROUGH SOME PRETTY NASTY TIMES.

Also, Annebash, what's the things you admitted to and what is it in particular you want from him to feel loved?
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Old 04-29-2004, 09:58 AM   #8
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

I admitted to being mean. I was mad at him for a long time because I felt neglected. He wasnt spending any time with me. period. Not having conversations with me. He goes through these "phases" where he watches too much tv, gains weight, and is generally unpleasant. I suspect his frustrations at work and home turn into depression,which contributes to these phases. I got mad. I nagged. I yelled. all the things you should not do. lol. It became a pattern and we spent nearly a year like this. Im not mad anymore. Ive made huge strides to find other ways to express myself, and Im definately not being a nag. However, lol, Im still the neglected wife. His insane work schedule has been good for me lately. I know I can handle the kids and the household alone for long periods of time, and Id never get mad at him for working, like he should be. But when he is here it hurts because he is defensive and emotionally cuts me off. He says he does it because he is afraid it wont work out, and he feels the need to separate himself, in order to aviod being hurt too badly. That approach wont work , because I will end it due to this behavior. Being with him is so incredibly lonely. I cant stand to have him here and SEE him doing this to me. When he is gone I have my family, my friends, my neighbors, my pets and I feel pretty happy. He goes back to work for the week, and calls me all evening long to apologize and tells me he loves me. The only time I see the old him is when he calls from work. When we are face to face, it gets bad. Its ironic, Ive improved myself sooo much, and he is doing the opposite.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 01:31 PM   #9
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

You're still the neglected wife because he's thinking, WooHoo! She's changing and doing wonderful things and I didn't have to do a damn thing or expend any energy to get it! What he's missing is the fact that you're changing because you want to be a better person and if he doesn't follow suit, you'll be done with him and he'll be clueless as to what happened.

I think it's great that you've made the huge strides of improvement, but it also rubs in just that much more how much you don't seem to matter. My hubby told me he didn't have a choice, that there are other priorities in life that just come first. This was last night. I burst into tears and told him off. I told him that if he couldn't find time in his busy life to understand me and put forth the effort to show me I'm loved, then I'll leave. He said I was being exteme and I told him that the only extreme here was my stupidity in allowing him to treat me like dirt.

He still tried to defend his position and then actually asked me why I keep dwelling on this situation and always bring it up....like he would never be forgiven for the past. I told him it wasn't the past and I didn't expect him to fix it, but I'll be damned if I sit by and watch the future go down the can. He has a choice and knows how I feel, either he puts the effort in or helps me box up my stuff. He said he couldn't be perfect like I expected...yet another cop out. Blaming me, saying perfection is unattainable. Duh! I'm not expecting perfection, just effort! Which, there's been none.

Then he proceeded to say how he didn't get how I could be up all through the night because of nightmares or night awakenings and then really stay up with our toddler. So, what was the truth? Was I sleeping all day or not being honest. He just couldn't understand. So I pulled out a lovely folder full of narcolepsy info...he said there was no need, he understood. Nope, not good enough. You are going to understand this and not try to say it's a cop-out. I have problems at night because that's how it is and I truly have no choice but to walk around like Forrest Gump on downers at times, barely able to move, but have to stay awake or risk something happening to our son.

So, we were up until 2:30a.m.

Sorry, I'll post the rest in a minute, he's climbing a book case and the frozen pizza is done! Yumm Yumm!
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Old 04-29-2004, 01:54 PM   #10
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Re: Im sick of being punished...

I told him the only reason he was going to keep hearing my "attitude" about the things were was because he just kept offering up excuses and that I wasn't going to let them slide, so every time I got an excuse, he got a dose of reality. He would say, well, I had to work, what should I have done? Reality check: You could have worked on Saturday (like you do to help friends/family), you could have just stood your ground, you could have called from work to keep checking on me, since you HAD to be there and they COULDN'T live with out you......any other things I missed? Or, sometimes, you just have to put me first and let the rest just happen, not let me twist in the wind.

He tried saying how I wouldn't be there for all his stuff, and he can't take off for every flippin' appointment, etc. So I asked him how many times have I asked him to go to checkups, what were the appointments I did ask him to be at, what happened when it came down to it, who was inconvenienced? etc...Oh, wait, ME!!! Then he asked when I jumped up to help him....OH BOY, ANOTHER CAN OF WORMS HE SHOULDN"T HAVE OPENED!....how about the times....you were in the ER w/ heat stroke, or the boiling antifreeze, cut finger/hand open and needed sutures, metal shaving in your eye, even the freakin dentist! What else would you like to know????

Not much to say after that. But, I, like you am done backing down, molly cottling him, pretending I don't hurt and deserve not to be put first, etc. We both have the right to be loved and their excuses aren't good enough and won't continue to be. And the excuses that they are having a hard time or it's just not them, too bad. I'm not Martha Stuart or June Cleaver, you may have to settle for Rosanne Barr at times, but considering I grew up in a home w/ Mommy Dearest as a role model, count your blessings and appreciate the fact that I can admit my problems and then take action to keep making progress to change myself.

Don't let him hang anything over your head. You didn't admit it so he had leverage, you admitted it because you were grown up enough that you saw a need for a change and not only that, you took the steps to make it happen. How many times can he say that he's done the same.

Hold to it and if worst comes to worst, maybe we can be roommates! LOL---hopefully they'll both get a clue though, I rather love the man, I just want it to be mutual and actually expressed.

Also, don't let him hide behind depression because it is treatable and quite easily compared to some things. He may also be bi-polar considering the mood swings to the extreme. I think mine is. Who knows, if it's not lopped off at work, he isn't going to do anything about it but complain to me and wait for me to wiggle my nose and cure him. Well, never could wiggle my nose, if I could, I would have the body of barbie, Bill Gates bank account, a full help staff to keep everything up, nannies for the kids so I can enjoy the fun stuff in life with them and OH YEAH, NEVER KNOW HEARTACHE AGAIN AND HAVE MY HEALTH BACK! Not too much to ask, is it?? LOL

Okay, getting on a pallet of soap boxes here, but just frustrated to be going through this and seeing someone else go through it and knowing how bad you are hurting. It just isn't right and tends to get my nose out of joint!

Has he made any progress or attempts at all? When he says he's sorry, to just say okay and then hope it changes (I did, doesn't work)? What was his home life like? Was mom June Cleaver and dad Al Bundy? Is it something he learned or something he took advantage of? Have you stopped doing for him? I finally quit doing his laundry, he's got two pairs of underwear left and I'm not doing them! I didn't wear them....maybe they will appreciate our Non-Effort if they had to do the effortless things too.

I hope things work out for you, me too....this is just wrong and even worse when you know that you're not the only one.

Hope to hear from you soon. Feel free to vent as much as you want. Sometimes it is what gives you the strength to realize that you deserve it and start feeling better about yourself as a person and mom/wife/maid....etc.
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Old 04-30-2004, 10:37 AM   #11
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annebash HB User
Re: Im sick of being punished...

guh!! a new development has occurred. I was a little late, bought a pregnancy test, it was very very positive. But now I think Im miscarrying. After a miscarriage over a year ago, I havent been able to conceive, so we got a little sloppy with the birth control. Id only be about 4 weeks pregnant at this point. Im pretty much in touch with my body, so its early to know Im pregnant, but I knew something was off. Im also almost positive Im having an early miscarriage. Ive been bleeding and passing clots. Its not too bad and Im not bleeding alot, and Id rather avoid the hospital. Every time I go there they keep me. Im just watching and waiting right now. The pain is minimal and ive cleaned the house and gotten groceries already. Hubby knows what is going on. Im not sure what his take on all this is. I felt like a burden before, now I feel like a double burden, even though its not really my fault. For a while they were thinking I would not be able to conceive anymore. Now it looks like I just cant sustain a pregnancy. Ive had bad chronic infections from my late miscarriage, and an incompetent cervix. It just sucks becausse I have to go this alone, probably he wont be very supportive, but right now hes actually pretending to care, somewhat. ugh.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 11:27 AM   #12
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 901
Angel77 HB User
Re: Im sick of being punished...

Oh Annebash.....just plain rotten. I'm sorry. I miscarried on hubby's birthday 2 yrs sept. and not a thing from him. Men are clueless with this stuff. It's not real until it's tangible and you can see and hold it. They don't understand the connection the minute you know or suspect you're pregnant.

I'm glad he's showing some compassion right now. But, sweetie, you need to get over feeling like the burden. You are not a burden or obligation to ANYONE! You deserve to be loved and respected because he chose to marry you and you are a human being. You need to find in yourself things that you are proud of so that you realize how much you are worth and how much it's worth the fight to show it. I felt like a nothing for sooooo long and let my health problems be the reason. I felt that because of my poor health that he was justified in ignoring me and my needs...it wasn't until I researched it and actually saw what I have overcome.....COMPLETELY ALONE!!!! That I realized how much I was worth and what I did deserved, then started the fight.

So, sit your pretty little self down with a notepad and pen and start writing all the things that are valuable about you....even if you don't feel it, if someone said it to you, write it down....you don't always see the good that others see. I know I didn't. When people would say something nice, I'd find something else to pass it on to because I couldn't take it as something good about me, just something good I learned.

So, write it down, read it every time a negative thought about yourself go get it and read it, then write down every positive thought about yourself that crosses your mind. It will seem so awkward because you've spent so long feeling worthless that you'll think you're unjustly building yourself up, when all you are really doing is seeing yourself for who you really are, a wonderful and strong human, not what you've been led to believe.

Heck, why don't you post it on this board? Let everyone else know where you shine. You have every right to brag about what you've accomplished and the things about yourself that you are proud of.

As far as the struggle at hand right now, I'm so sorry. You will get through it and things will turn out. My SIL went through this and the baby didn't come until she was in a secure job that had daycare and her health and weight were under control. If she had maintained a pregnancy earlier, she and/or the baby could have lost their lives. She had diabetes and didn't know it. Since then, she's been on weight watchers, lost 20lbs. and is on a healthy diet to control the diabetes.....now, baby is on it's way. Just as it will be for you when it is time. It doesn't take the hurt away from what you're experiencing now and never will.

But, do take comfort in knowing that even if you don't have the support at home, you will have it here and best of all, we're free and open for business 24/7! I'll check back in a few, the narcolepsy is kicking in and my toddler is almost asleep....so I'm going to snag a nap before I turn into a pumpkin, Cinderella!

Take care of yourself and know we care and will be here. Good luck, hon, we're rooting for ya. Keep us posted on how you are and what's going on. Talk to you when my brain checks back in.
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If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 04-30-2004, 11:32 AM   #13
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 68
annebash HB User
Re: Im sick of being punished...

Yeah, well it should be fine. I dont even feel too bad right now, all things consideref. I will let you know what happens.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 11:35 AM   #14
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 901
Angel77 HB User
Re: Im sick of being punished...

I'm not worried as much about your physical health as I am about your emotional health. You may be able to talk yourself around it right now, but the lack of support and the grief that most experience is bound to hit you. Just be prepared and let us know what we can do to help. I want you to still start your list. The sooner the better....and right now you could use some words that show you how special you are.

Take care of you and keep us posted.
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If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 05-02-2004, 06:47 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 901
Angel77 HB User
Re: Im sick of being punished...

Annebash,

How are you doing? I'm worried, haven't seen you in a bit...I know you're on the pregnancy board but didn't have a chance yet to read it.

How are things going with you and hubby? Do you think things are going to at least move forward a little bit? I'm praying for ya and hoping it all turns out well and you won't feel so lonely.

Please check back in and let us know how you are holding up. Best wishes, Angel
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