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Old 04-28-2004, 11:00 AM   #1
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Unhappy trust issues affecting relationship?

I was in a relationship last year for about 10 months with someone that cheated on me, lied to me, and pretty much used me without me knowing until he ended things [or rather, I ended them when I caught him with another girl]. I am now dating someone different and have been for the past 5 months. The problem is that I'm afraid he still cares for his ex-girlfriend whom he dated for a year [who broke up with him about three months before we started dating]. My trust issues from the past relationship have me cautious, and I notice little things that he'd otherwise hide from me [like his password including her name and 'love' and a painting she made on his wall and her name listed as speed dial "1"].
I'm so unsure of what to do. Are these just my trust issues blowing things out of proportion? If this actually is a problem should I address it?
Any help/stories/support would be appreciated. I'm dying here...
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Old 04-28-2004, 11:13 AM   #2
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

I was in a similar situation. I was with this guy for a year & 3 months & he was totally using me & I was too blind to see it. The difference is, I became PG after only being with him for 3 months & I was 18. I was so scared to be alone & be PG, so I guess I just didn't realize the things that were happening. I mean, I knew that he was drinking a lot, smoked weed everyday & he partied with his friends all the time. Then I would have to go pick him up, ***** faced b/c we only had my car. I also knew that he was spending a LOT of our $$ on this stuff... what I didn't know what that most of the $$ was actually going towards coke. I always just assumed it was the alcohol & weed - but those were just covers. I also found out that he had cheated on me while I was PG. I found all this out when my daughter was 3 months old & of course I left him. He begged me not to go & asked for another chance, but at that point he was just asking for too much, he had already promised me (at least once a month) that he was going to straighten up & stop doing these things, but it kept on going. Then he promised that it would change once the baby was born b/c he wouldn't want to be a bad father... but he couldn't even do that! My whole stay in the hospital, he would leave early in the even to go party (but he told me it was to clean our place, so I wouldn't have to worry about it) but the next day he would come back smelling of alcohol & wearing the same clothes, I might have been niave, but I wans't stupid. I knew that he wouldn't change, at least not for me & that I had enough to deal with, I couldn't be his mommy as well & always keep tabs on him & all that crap - not only that I couldn't do it, but I simply wouldn't. I didn't want my life to be a constant worry about where he was & what he was doing - as was my entire PG.

Another difference is that I got back with an ex of mine that I was with before I was with that guy & I am happy with him & can trust him. So, the issues I had with that guy, they didn't follow me into this relationship.

Sorry that I really didn't help you.

 
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Old 04-28-2004, 12:21 PM   #3
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

It doesn't sound like he has completely let go of his ex in his mind. He probably did not take enough time after she broke up with him to get over her before he started dating you. That doesn't mean that your relationship can't work but maybe you could talk to him about what he still may feel for his ex and see what he says.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 12:56 PM   #4
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

Or it may just be that he hasn't "rearranged" after the break-up. Meaning, he hasn't replaced her number or changed his password. As far as the painting goes, I dont know that that is such a big deal. But the only thing you can really do is ask him about these things....

 
Old 04-28-2004, 01:16 PM   #5
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

I'm just sitting here wondering HOW you knew about that certain password. But if you want answers, it's just as newlywedgurl said, you have to ask him.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:20 PM   #6
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
Or it may just be that he hasn't "rearranged" after the break-up. Meaning, he hasn't replaced her number or changed his password. As far as the painting goes, I dont know that that is such a big deal. But the only thing you can really do is ask him about these things....

I agree with Newlywedgurl too and I'm also wondering how you knew about a password thing?

You have only been seeing this guy for 5 months. You were in a 10month relationship prior to that, he (the guy your dating) in a relationship for a year and starting seeing you 3 months after....
DOES ANYONE TAKE BREAKS ANYMORE????

I don't blame you for having a trust issue - per se with MEN because your exboyfriend cheated on you and now your going to think every guy does this.
I know not every guy does this, and you know not every guy does this but that is what your mind is going to be telling you. Then, you hook up with a guy who has only been broken up with his exgirlfriend for 3months.HELLO!

OK, sorry-I'm not trying to be harsh here...but I'm trying to point out some things here so you can see for yourself.

On the other hand...Guys are not like us Women...he could have really forgot about the speed dial thing, or has not given it a thought- not like us girls - they **** us off and we delete them from speed dial to make us feel good or validated. Why are you afraid if he still cares for his ex-girlfriend? He may still have feeling for her and you should have known this going into this relationship.

What your really asking is, you met this guy, you hooked up, your sleeping with him and want to know where you stand with him after 5months dating and your snooping around to find out because you have your doubts and you haven't asked him. Right or Wrong?

Last edited by GirlHarley; 04-28-2004 at 05:21 PM.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 07:41 AM   #7
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

I am sure he cares for you at this time and NewlyWed girl maybe right. If these two just broke up then he probably hasn't change thing around yet. The thing that get me is you been together for 10 months. This is meaning to me he has had 10 months to do all that. Some guys do take there time with things like that because a month ago I just erased every girl that was in it except for my GF's number. We were dating for 6 months before I dis that.

You have to let him know that he needs to change these things because its bothering you. My GF did and thats why I erased those numbers.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 08:59 AM   #8
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

They've only been dating for 5 months, Jeff. She dated the last guy for 10 months (who in return, like a jerk, cheated on her).

Honestly I have to say this is the kind of thing I'd privately suffer over in any of my last relationships because I was afraid of confrontation. However, I've found in my most recent relationship that there's really no sense in making yourself suffer if there's a relatively easy way out of it: just ask him.

Mention that you noticed she's still listed as the #1 speed dial and you're a little concerned, just be honest. If he gets defensive try to explain simply that you had a rough time in the last relationship and at this point you want to be very open and honest about everything to avoid any issues that could result in that insecurity. I have a billion and one insecurities myself, and I find myself constantly going to my boyfriend and trying to bring up every little thing that I might be concerned about so that I don't ALLOW myself to think all negative thoughts (trust me, the downward spiral is no fun).

It's really important for you to hear from his lips that he is no longer feeling anything for this ex girlfriend, in fact, he should've cleared that up before dating you. My boyfriend had broken up with his girlfriend of a year and a half about 3- 4 months before we started really considering dating. I'd broken up with mine for about maybe - MAYBE - 2 months before I was ready.

The difference was, when I finally ended my previous relationship (which was also a year and a half), I decided to do it as all of my feelings had died, there was really nothing lingering in the feeling department for me as I was fed up and finished. He on the other hand was dumped, and was having a hard time. We discussed this several times and I finally told him that if he needed time that was fine - but I'd be keeping my options open. I guess that finally got him into thinking mode and he realized that wasn't what he wanted. We've been together a year now and couldn't be more stoked about how it worked out.

What I'm trying to say is - try not to focus on the 3 months thing. I know a great deal of people who get over the 'rebound' phase of their life before they graduate from school, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't have jumped into this (and certainly not for 5 months!!) if it was a rebound situation.

Just bring up your concerns with him in a non-threatening way. Explain you realize part of this is insecurity over the last one, and you don't want to compare you're just feeling a little uneasy and want to work with him in a trusting way (by talking to him you are trusting him with your feelings!) to fix things before they get too big to deal with down the road.

You might be surprised!

 
Old 04-29-2004, 10:21 AM   #9
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Re: trust issues affecting relationship?

5 months or 10 months those number should be gone is she says somthing. It is a concern for her and he should change that if he does cares.

The only thing that I am not getting is did you both date right after the 10 month breakup?

 
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